killin' me

I’m wondering where I’m going, who I’m going with, what I’d do if I ever got there. The opportunity to go to America next year is great….in some ways.
I was telling someone at work, enthusing “Yea It’ll be a great experience” blah blah blah….the person I was telling asked who I was going with and questioned if it was worth going alone. At first I dismissed this theory, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like it would be pretty empty.
Its like my grandad now who doesn’t have my nan to run around with. Suddenly something simple like winning money on the horses doesn’t mean anything anymore. He said last night that if he got ill he wouldn’t bother trying to cure it…what’s the point the asked, he’s alone.
I require the lonely life in a way and have got used to it, especially over the last year. But my motivation is dwindling, I feel asif I’m only trying to get a career because “I should”, its not like I’m trying to save for a flat or anything else remotely mature.
I know…I am too sensitive about certain things, but extremely blunt with other things. It’s just you realise that feeling alone is crap