Another one bites the dust

This is my second blog today, I just have to write some things down, at least so they are out there. There’s a fear inside of me, a part of me that is very scared. My social inability is the main thing holding me back, tomorrow night there is a work party for someone who is leaving , as soon as I found out about this on Tuesday, I started fretting…thinking of embarrassing moments that could occur and worrying who will be down there. I know my fears are irrational, but I just cannot help them. Ever since my time at upper school, I’ve been a wreck socially. Tomorrow night is like a test, if I don’t go….I’m backing out and I won’t even have respect for myself, it could be the prototype for the rest of my life, always ducking out of challenges and avoiding what should be enjoyable fun. I said to myself after this summer is out, it’s a new term and it has to be beginning to something different, perhaps a different me or at least a more confident me. I’ve been waiting around for too long and so what if I have to get embarrassed a few times or if I have confrontations, that’s part of life and I have to take part. It is scary and while a lot of people probably wont ever have to face these kind of inner-demons, I’d like to know people who feel how I do.
The 3 years since leaving school has been a re-building process, one of my best friends and I used to hang out everyday until I called It off last year, it had to stop…I had to take that risk then and now I have to take risks again. Its just about confidence and belief. I know if there is anyone who will ever actually read this, they will think “what a loser” but I just can’t help the way I was made. G’night all