These streets you’ve learned to love
The day has the same feeling as yesterday. I woke up feeling worried and anxious. I felt a bit on edge about the Dave thing, I didn’t know whether I felt bad because it has worked out like it has or because I let it effect me. Mark managed to give me a lift to work today, I bithced about Dave a bit, I felt like he was the one person who would understand. I didn’t tell him about the personal stuff, just the professional criticism Dave threw at me. Thankfully Mark supported my view and ended with “Dave is just not a nice guy”
The two new extroverts have changed the dynamics at work now. Before there would be 5 or 6 of us and we would actually talk about things...and it didn’t have to involve drink or drugs. That’s all these two can talk about, and it seems that everyone has to conform. Me and Mark were definitely the two quietest people tonight. I lifted myself and tried to act involved but this only led to another embarrassing group moment…face blood red.
After the red face occurrence Nicola looked disgusted at me and she left the shift without saying a word. Nicola is a friendly girl, she is attractive etc but she has a boyfriend. I thought we clicked a couple weeks back when we both agreed that we were “loners”, but tonight was a different story.
It was the same with Sonya. On Tuesday it was the first time I managed to sit next to her, and I thought we got on fine. I went home with a feeling that “I like this girl”. But today she would barely talk at all, I’d like to write it off as a mysterious mood swing, but she was very chatty with Liam. Liam has all the ladies at his feet though. So I was a bit miffed with all this….but I can sleep easy knowing that I was just simply me, and I can’t be anything else. I’ve tried, oh god I’ve tried, but it the end its doesn’t work. There are some people out there that appreciate my manner, and I know I appreciate my manner…secretly, deep down, I like me. I know that when I meet a person I try and engage in positive interaction and I will never ever discriminate for any reason.
Normally today’s events would have cast a shadow upon me, but I just don’t feel that way anymore…I’ve gone full circle. I’ve blamed myself till I’m laying in bed at night wondering if suicide is the answer.
I know why I don’t have friends, tonight was the perfect example. I can only be invited and I can only give out invitation, If people refuse that is their prerogative.
It is hard to look in the mirror at 19 and realise you don’t have a girlfriend or any mates. Infact, its fucking hard, but I can’t quit…I’m just too damn stubborn for that shit.
Much love to you all, I cannot tell you what a tonic this blog is. And if you read it with love or hate, I would always like for you to know that I poured real emotion out.
Goodnight.
The two new extroverts have changed the dynamics at work now. Before there would be 5 or 6 of us and we would actually talk about things...and it didn’t have to involve drink or drugs. That’s all these two can talk about, and it seems that everyone has to conform. Me and Mark were definitely the two quietest people tonight. I lifted myself and tried to act involved but this only led to another embarrassing group moment…face blood red.
After the red face occurrence Nicola looked disgusted at me and she left the shift without saying a word. Nicola is a friendly girl, she is attractive etc but she has a boyfriend. I thought we clicked a couple weeks back when we both agreed that we were “loners”, but tonight was a different story.
It was the same with Sonya. On Tuesday it was the first time I managed to sit next to her, and I thought we got on fine. I went home with a feeling that “I like this girl”. But today she would barely talk at all, I’d like to write it off as a mysterious mood swing, but she was very chatty with Liam. Liam has all the ladies at his feet though. So I was a bit miffed with all this….but I can sleep easy knowing that I was just simply me, and I can’t be anything else. I’ve tried, oh god I’ve tried, but it the end its doesn’t work. There are some people out there that appreciate my manner, and I know I appreciate my manner…secretly, deep down, I like me. I know that when I meet a person I try and engage in positive interaction and I will never ever discriminate for any reason.
Normally today’s events would have cast a shadow upon me, but I just don’t feel that way anymore…I’ve gone full circle. I’ve blamed myself till I’m laying in bed at night wondering if suicide is the answer.
I know why I don’t have friends, tonight was the perfect example. I can only be invited and I can only give out invitation, If people refuse that is their prerogative.
It is hard to look in the mirror at 19 and realise you don’t have a girlfriend or any mates. Infact, its fucking hard, but I can’t quit…I’m just too damn stubborn for that shit.
Much love to you all, I cannot tell you what a tonic this blog is. And if you read it with love or hate, I would always like for you to know that I poured real emotion out.
Goodnight.
posted by A.Lee at 5:07 PM
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