I’ll be missing you
Where do I start?
The weekend.
I think this weekend summed up my own paradoxes in a neat little package.
The drive down to the wedding was the best long distance drive I have ever experienced. I was asleep for 95% of it. I was feeling anxious about the whole thing, the typical social worries that conjure up inside of me built up again. I found myself asking “who am I going to talk to?” and “What the hell do I do with myself”. We stopped at a service station and met up with a couple of my uncles. We had something to eat and set off again. I flipped the radio on and plugged my headphones in. I couldn’t pick anything up at all and I was getting very angry that I would hear a couple of notes of a great song only for it to interrupted by “SHHSHHSHSHSHSHSHHSHSHSHSHSHHSH”, as the radio loses signal.
We were staying for 2 nights on a private estate (all paid for) with a swimming pool, tennis court and games room. The family arrived and everyone decided to have a couple of games of table tennis. I beat everyone….I am officially the greatest table tennis player ever! The mood at this point was one of uncertainty. My cousin who was getting married, was hooking up with someone of a wealthy background. He’s in the army as well, so there would definitely be a few drunk souls floating about. We went to a pub and everyone got settled in. My cousin Tina dropped by. Until last year I had not seen Tina for 10 years. She came up last August for her brothers engagement party and we got reacquainted. We got on and I saw her again in September for my grans funeral. Tina is on my top 5 people list. I don’t know how she judges our relationship, but I’m so glad I got to know her again. We spent Friday night drinking and having a laugh. Her fiancé is a top bloke as well. They said I could go along to his stag doo if I wanted, I said “Just tell me where and when”
My mum doesn’t think much of Tina, I’m not sure why, my mum is a good judger of people however. But I fail to see why there would be any dislike for Tina. The booze awoken my alter ego….happy, confident, smiley man! I am so timid and shy etc, but when the beers have been consumed I come alive. Thank god for beer, otherwise people like me would never have a good night out.
The next morning I got out of bed early. Me and dad played tennis for a couple of hours and then it hit me. I felt like shit. One minute I was running to hit the ball, then suddenly, I was breathless and about to pass out. I told my dad we would miss breakfast if we didn’t go inside that instant - truth is, I didn’t feel hungry at all and my stomach felt like it contained the items of a garbage bin. I sat down at the table and waited for my English breakfast. It was the full works and looked very nice…..I got through the beans and sausages before excusing myself. What really helped me was a cuppa tea, in that moment it was the best drink I ever had. My stomach was still raging and I suddenly got the urge to go to the toilet. I Must have been in the bathroom at least 15 minutes. I took a humongous dump and felt a lot better. Although I had visions of the scene in dumb and dumber where the toilet won’t flush. My god that would have been terrible…..but funny.
It was wedding time. I watched as the ceremony proceeded, with the church packed full, and wondered if I would ever command this kind of attention. I thought about that, and I thought about the loss of my Gran. The bride starred into the grooms eyes, it was an intense look, there was happiness but also obsession. Her eyes were gleaming with a sense of victory “I never have to worry about being alone…”
The reception was terrible. I was sat away from the family and was plotted with some soldier people. Myself, Tina, her fiancé and Phil were sat there, but they all knew them already. I felt left out. Me and Tina talked briefly but barely anything compared to the night before. I started to worry that maybe the drink hid the fact that we were not close. How can we be close, we have only seen each other 3 times? But again, as with some people at work, I just have a special feeling about them. The reception finally ended after horrible food. The speeches began which were all entertaining and funny, the best mans speech was very fitting.
The after party began and I was in low spirits, I trolled over to where all the family was sat and talked to dad for a few minutes. It was time to go to that dreaded place….the dance floor. I stood at the doorway, there was no way I was going to enjoy myself in my current state. I had a choice….do I sit down and “think” all night or do I grab some beer and have a good time.
When I read it like that, there should be no option right? But I just didn’t feel that good, feelings of isolation and loneliness crept there way back in. Ah fuck it, I ran to the free-bar and rank until I felt good again.
…and there I was, dancing to baggy trousers.
Me and Tina went crazy and fell over…I think my knee-cap is shattered.
It was great though…it was really great. The highest compliment I can pay to this whole weekend is that I wish every weekend was like this.
I didn’t get chance to say bye to Tina. I’m really gonna miss not having her around.
The weekend.
I think this weekend summed up my own paradoxes in a neat little package.
The drive down to the wedding was the best long distance drive I have ever experienced. I was asleep for 95% of it. I was feeling anxious about the whole thing, the typical social worries that conjure up inside of me built up again. I found myself asking “who am I going to talk to?” and “What the hell do I do with myself”. We stopped at a service station and met up with a couple of my uncles. We had something to eat and set off again. I flipped the radio on and plugged my headphones in. I couldn’t pick anything up at all and I was getting very angry that I would hear a couple of notes of a great song only for it to interrupted by “SHHSHHSHSHSHSHSHHSHSHSHSHSHHSH”, as the radio loses signal.
We were staying for 2 nights on a private estate (all paid for) with a swimming pool, tennis court and games room. The family arrived and everyone decided to have a couple of games of table tennis. I beat everyone….I am officially the greatest table tennis player ever! The mood at this point was one of uncertainty. My cousin who was getting married, was hooking up with someone of a wealthy background. He’s in the army as well, so there would definitely be a few drunk souls floating about. We went to a pub and everyone got settled in. My cousin Tina dropped by. Until last year I had not seen Tina for 10 years. She came up last August for her brothers engagement party and we got reacquainted. We got on and I saw her again in September for my grans funeral. Tina is on my top 5 people list. I don’t know how she judges our relationship, but I’m so glad I got to know her again. We spent Friday night drinking and having a laugh. Her fiancé is a top bloke as well. They said I could go along to his stag doo if I wanted, I said “Just tell me where and when”
My mum doesn’t think much of Tina, I’m not sure why, my mum is a good judger of people however. But I fail to see why there would be any dislike for Tina. The booze awoken my alter ego….happy, confident, smiley man! I am so timid and shy etc, but when the beers have been consumed I come alive. Thank god for beer, otherwise people like me would never have a good night out.
The next morning I got out of bed early. Me and dad played tennis for a couple of hours and then it hit me. I felt like shit. One minute I was running to hit the ball, then suddenly, I was breathless and about to pass out. I told my dad we would miss breakfast if we didn’t go inside that instant - truth is, I didn’t feel hungry at all and my stomach felt like it contained the items of a garbage bin. I sat down at the table and waited for my English breakfast. It was the full works and looked very nice…..I got through the beans and sausages before excusing myself. What really helped me was a cuppa tea, in that moment it was the best drink I ever had. My stomach was still raging and I suddenly got the urge to go to the toilet. I Must have been in the bathroom at least 15 minutes. I took a humongous dump and felt a lot better. Although I had visions of the scene in dumb and dumber where the toilet won’t flush. My god that would have been terrible…..but funny.
It was wedding time. I watched as the ceremony proceeded, with the church packed full, and wondered if I would ever command this kind of attention. I thought about that, and I thought about the loss of my Gran. The bride starred into the grooms eyes, it was an intense look, there was happiness but also obsession. Her eyes were gleaming with a sense of victory “I never have to worry about being alone…”
The reception was terrible. I was sat away from the family and was plotted with some soldier people. Myself, Tina, her fiancé and Phil were sat there, but they all knew them already. I felt left out. Me and Tina talked briefly but barely anything compared to the night before. I started to worry that maybe the drink hid the fact that we were not close. How can we be close, we have only seen each other 3 times? But again, as with some people at work, I just have a special feeling about them. The reception finally ended after horrible food. The speeches began which were all entertaining and funny, the best mans speech was very fitting.
The after party began and I was in low spirits, I trolled over to where all the family was sat and talked to dad for a few minutes. It was time to go to that dreaded place….the dance floor. I stood at the doorway, there was no way I was going to enjoy myself in my current state. I had a choice….do I sit down and “think” all night or do I grab some beer and have a good time.
When I read it like that, there should be no option right? But I just didn’t feel that good, feelings of isolation and loneliness crept there way back in. Ah fuck it, I ran to the free-bar and rank until I felt good again.
…and there I was, dancing to baggy trousers.
Me and Tina went crazy and fell over…I think my knee-cap is shattered.
It was great though…it was really great. The highest compliment I can pay to this whole weekend is that I wish every weekend was like this.
I didn’t get chance to say bye to Tina. I’m really gonna miss not having her around.
posted by A.Lee at 5:34 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home