Planet shift
I feel like the universe has shifted in the last couple of days.
It began last Monday. There was a change in attitude towards me and as the week progressed I started to feel isolated.
I went to a theme park today and it was the first time I’d been without my former best friend Ben.
It was one of those days where I missed our friendship. I was walking around with Liz and Sue and they were making all the decisions as to which rides to go on and I felt like a total third wheel. The rides were awesome but the company wasn’t.
I just felt out of it….
The coach ride there was even worse. Everyone’s chatting away and I’m sat staring out of the window because the person sat next to me was forced to sit next to me and all I kept thinking was “I would not have this problem if Ben was here”.
But every time I reminisce about our friendship I remember what a control freak he was at the same time.
Although it only really became a problem towards the end.
I feel like I’m somewhere new now and I don’t know if I prefer it or not when I compare it to a year ago where I had a certain level of comfort but not necessarily anything fulfilling.
I realise now that I wasn’t lonely last year. Last year I would mutter complaints of possible loneliness when in fact I enjoyed the routine I had. I didn’t want to go out. I couldn’t imagine anything interfering with what I had. Even if it wasn’t perfect at least I didn’t feel like this.
Is it as simple as loneliness? That feeling of having no connection with anyone?
I dunno. I was looking around half pissed in a club at 1:30 on Friday night and I’d lost the people I was hanging about with. I just sat down with a bud in my hand contemplating what life had to offer. I saw friends, family, partners…all hanging out, and I was just sat there…thinking.
I didn’t feel sad completely…it reminded me of the feeling of when Leeds lose….like hopes of a victory have been dashed….and in that moment I had to accept that I could feel lonely for a very long time…maybe forever.
Haha I’m doin ok…think that’s the problem though.
It began last Monday. There was a change in attitude towards me and as the week progressed I started to feel isolated.
I went to a theme park today and it was the first time I’d been without my former best friend Ben.
It was one of those days where I missed our friendship. I was walking around with Liz and Sue and they were making all the decisions as to which rides to go on and I felt like a total third wheel. The rides were awesome but the company wasn’t.
I just felt out of it….
The coach ride there was even worse. Everyone’s chatting away and I’m sat staring out of the window because the person sat next to me was forced to sit next to me and all I kept thinking was “I would not have this problem if Ben was here”.
But every time I reminisce about our friendship I remember what a control freak he was at the same time.
Although it only really became a problem towards the end.
I feel like I’m somewhere new now and I don’t know if I prefer it or not when I compare it to a year ago where I had a certain level of comfort but not necessarily anything fulfilling.
I realise now that I wasn’t lonely last year. Last year I would mutter complaints of possible loneliness when in fact I enjoyed the routine I had. I didn’t want to go out. I couldn’t imagine anything interfering with what I had. Even if it wasn’t perfect at least I didn’t feel like this.
Is it as simple as loneliness? That feeling of having no connection with anyone?
I dunno. I was looking around half pissed in a club at 1:30 on Friday night and I’d lost the people I was hanging about with. I just sat down with a bud in my hand contemplating what life had to offer. I saw friends, family, partners…all hanging out, and I was just sat there…thinking.
I didn’t feel sad completely…it reminded me of the feeling of when Leeds lose….like hopes of a victory have been dashed….and in that moment I had to accept that I could feel lonely for a very long time…maybe forever.
Haha I’m doin ok…think that’s the problem though.
posted by A.Lee at 4:12 PM
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