Tops and bottoms
How a person can change?
3 years ago I didn’t need anyone to survive. I think I have to be stronger but it’s just so hard sometimes.
A feeling of vulnerability embodies me.
I see family members who have arrived in their fifties and have never been in a relationship. They have no kids. They have no life.
If I say to parents or pals about such fears I get the same response “Don’t worry, it’ll just happen.”
That’s what my family members got told and look where they are?
There’s 2 sides to my personality regarding this. One side of me was able to cut a friend off I had known for 17 years. The other side of me felt really bad about losing a work colleague who in all fairness…I didn’t know too well. Maybe it’s the fear of losing what that friendship could have possibly meant late-on which made me sad.
Jesus I don’t know.
Even reading back at what I’ve just said makes me feel pretty ashamed.
Yesterday was a family wedding. It was my dads sister was getting married and I hadn’t seen that side of the family for ages. It was so different to when I was a child, as you would expect. The elders weren’t clamouring over to pull on my cheeks or give me long and embarrassing hugs. It was just a few handshakes nowadays.
I was different with them all.
I was a million times more confident and I made them all giggle. I was 100% there.
Yet one person seemed disappointed with the change.
Jill was there who I hadn’t seen for a while. She’s about a year older than me and on a trip to Scotland about 6 years ago, we really seemed to bond.
I always got the impression that she liked me as this insecure, nervous and shy boy. It somehow endeared me to her.
And yesterday was no different. As I was sat in the registry office, she knew of no change . I caught her looking over me at me a couple of times, smiling. It was a smile of intrigue. If I could have read her mind, it would have said “Hey it’s little Alex!”
At the reception afterwards we got chance to talk and I was on top form.
She introduced her boyfriend who I had met a couple of years ago, the last time I’d seen any of them. He was like a cold fish. He didn’t want to know.
And then we went our separate ways and I didn’t see her again until the end of the night. During the course of the night I got drunk and started dancing…it was fun.
Very fun.
At the end of the night I said goodbye to her and it all seemed to have changed. There was no warmth from her anymore.
All the intrigue had vanished. And I knew right there and then that she did not appreciate the new me.
Another person who had changed significantly was my other cousin…Rick. He’s about 3 years younger than me and he was another person who I bonded with on the trip to Scotland. When I saw him 2 years ago he barely spoke either.
But now he was completely different too! He was so chatty and funny.
We talked for ages and had so many similar interests. He is a top lad.
Yea it was a great night and it rounded off a a pretty successful week. College re-started and it didn’t turn out to be the hell that I thought it would be. Ya never know what can happen but fingers crossed it remains the same.
3 years ago I didn’t need anyone to survive. I think I have to be stronger but it’s just so hard sometimes.
A feeling of vulnerability embodies me.
I see family members who have arrived in their fifties and have never been in a relationship. They have no kids. They have no life.
If I say to parents or pals about such fears I get the same response “Don’t worry, it’ll just happen.”
That’s what my family members got told and look where they are?
There’s 2 sides to my personality regarding this. One side of me was able to cut a friend off I had known for 17 years. The other side of me felt really bad about losing a work colleague who in all fairness…I didn’t know too well. Maybe it’s the fear of losing what that friendship could have possibly meant late-on which made me sad.
Jesus I don’t know.
Even reading back at what I’ve just said makes me feel pretty ashamed.
Yesterday was a family wedding. It was my dads sister was getting married and I hadn’t seen that side of the family for ages. It was so different to when I was a child, as you would expect. The elders weren’t clamouring over to pull on my cheeks or give me long and embarrassing hugs. It was just a few handshakes nowadays.
I was different with them all.
I was a million times more confident and I made them all giggle. I was 100% there.
Yet one person seemed disappointed with the change.
Jill was there who I hadn’t seen for a while. She’s about a year older than me and on a trip to Scotland about 6 years ago, we really seemed to bond.
I always got the impression that she liked me as this insecure, nervous and shy boy. It somehow endeared me to her.
And yesterday was no different. As I was sat in the registry office, she knew of no change . I caught her looking over me at me a couple of times, smiling. It was a smile of intrigue. If I could have read her mind, it would have said “Hey it’s little Alex!”
At the reception afterwards we got chance to talk and I was on top form.
She introduced her boyfriend who I had met a couple of years ago, the last time I’d seen any of them. He was like a cold fish. He didn’t want to know.
And then we went our separate ways and I didn’t see her again until the end of the night. During the course of the night I got drunk and started dancing…it was fun.
Very fun.
At the end of the night I said goodbye to her and it all seemed to have changed. There was no warmth from her anymore.
All the intrigue had vanished. And I knew right there and then that she did not appreciate the new me.
Another person who had changed significantly was my other cousin…Rick. He’s about 3 years younger than me and he was another person who I bonded with on the trip to Scotland. When I saw him 2 years ago he barely spoke either.
But now he was completely different too! He was so chatty and funny.
We talked for ages and had so many similar interests. He is a top lad.
Yea it was a great night and it rounded off a a pretty successful week. College re-started and it didn’t turn out to be the hell that I thought it would be. Ya never know what can happen but fingers crossed it remains the same.
posted by A.Lee at 8:37 AM
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