Jealous guy
Life spins you in directions you never expected to go.
Ask me the day after I completed my exams in May if I still thought I could forge a career out and I would have said “After that test!?…no way!”
I wasn’t even prepared for the exam…mentally. I got myself worried about it and I couldn’t stop thinking of Nina.
Yet I passed my own expectations.
That exam, however, was taken at a time my soul was filled with hope. Filled with expectation. In a way it spurred me on.
I thought because me and Nina were going to end up together that the gap between myself and society had been bridged.
Instinct got me through the exams. I’d felt stronger at college in those last two months.
I’d done all my coursework throughout the year. The year when there was no-one. My coursework thus ended up being my lowest score., yet I thought I’d prepared best for it.
With my exams finished I could concentrate on the summer. The summer of change.
But it didn’t work out like that.
The events that changed it between myself and Nina were not to be helped and neither of us could avoid it.
It seems selfish to say and I don’t like saying it this way (I also want to reiterate that this entire entry may come across a tad melodramatic, which is not intended) but when Nina’s cousin died she grasped onto everything and everyone in her life. I didn’t see her for 3-4 weeks, during which time she had healed the many fragments in her relationship with her boyfriend. I’m not saying she only wants to be with him because he makes her feel secure but I think it’s a big part of it.
I wanted to tell her that I’d never felt stronger feelings for anyone else. I wanted to tell her that I would always be there for her. I wanted to tell her that no-one else would be right for her except me.
But it’s not as easy as that is it?
When we weren’t even together I could still have these little scenarios run through my head where we were a couple. She was in my dreams too. I remember one particular dream, we are in a building and she’s guiding me through all these rooms while holding my hand. I get a funny feeling in my stomach when I think about it even now. It was so real. We were together. Now I don’t even have those scenarios and she’s not in my dreams. It was killed off during this summer.
It led to 3 weeks of depression. I felt I had no personal life and no profession. Luckily I’ve had a couple boosts in the profession side of things.
The personal life is still just as confusing as ever.
College starts again very soon and I’m gutted I haven’t met anyone.
Ask me the day after I completed my exams in May if I still thought I could forge a career out and I would have said “After that test!?…no way!”
I wasn’t even prepared for the exam…mentally. I got myself worried about it and I couldn’t stop thinking of Nina.
Yet I passed my own expectations.
That exam, however, was taken at a time my soul was filled with hope. Filled with expectation. In a way it spurred me on.
I thought because me and Nina were going to end up together that the gap between myself and society had been bridged.
Instinct got me through the exams. I’d felt stronger at college in those last two months.
I’d done all my coursework throughout the year. The year when there was no-one. My coursework thus ended up being my lowest score., yet I thought I’d prepared best for it.
With my exams finished I could concentrate on the summer. The summer of change.
But it didn’t work out like that.
The events that changed it between myself and Nina were not to be helped and neither of us could avoid it.
It seems selfish to say and I don’t like saying it this way (I also want to reiterate that this entire entry may come across a tad melodramatic, which is not intended) but when Nina’s cousin died she grasped onto everything and everyone in her life. I didn’t see her for 3-4 weeks, during which time she had healed the many fragments in her relationship with her boyfriend. I’m not saying she only wants to be with him because he makes her feel secure but I think it’s a big part of it.
I wanted to tell her that I’d never felt stronger feelings for anyone else. I wanted to tell her that I would always be there for her. I wanted to tell her that no-one else would be right for her except me.
But it’s not as easy as that is it?
When we weren’t even together I could still have these little scenarios run through my head where we were a couple. She was in my dreams too. I remember one particular dream, we are in a building and she’s guiding me through all these rooms while holding my hand. I get a funny feeling in my stomach when I think about it even now. It was so real. We were together. Now I don’t even have those scenarios and she’s not in my dreams. It was killed off during this summer.
It led to 3 weeks of depression. I felt I had no personal life and no profession. Luckily I’ve had a couple boosts in the profession side of things.
The personal life is still just as confusing as ever.
College starts again very soon and I’m gutted I haven’t met anyone.
posted by A.Lee at 1:04 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home