Importance of being idle

If I needed to say the perfect thing at the needed time I wouldn’t trust myself.
I have this tendency to say something weird at crucial conversational key points. It doesn’t always happen. When I feel no pressure I’m fine…but as soon as there is anything external put on it…I say something totally not cool dude.
But anyways.
I’ve been thinking career wise for the last few days. Ideas have been tossed back and forth and I’ve talked with mum a lot. I just can’t give it 100% at the moment. My mind is always elsewhere.
Fears exist that need to be put to sleep. I can’t do it by myself though. Someone needs to come along to solve this shit.
It wouldn’t make my life complete but it would take away the pain, loneliness and fear. I don’t want to end up like those others in my family but it just feels as though all the signs point towards that lifestyle.
It takes me down odd mental passageways when I start to think of solutions and answers.
What a mess things feel sometime.
I remember my old boss always complaining about her lazy son who spent all day in bed. He didn’t work, study or go out.
His mum made out like these 3 things would transform him. Well 2 years ago I was the same and now I do all 3 of those things but there are still hurdles.
But what the fuck am I going on about? All I need to do is meet someone so my brain can shut the fuck up and I can finally believe that I’m not going to do everything on this earth alone.