I don't know what you heard about me
Today I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to wake up and everything be sorted out.
Things just get on top of me and I go under.
Last night was the worst I felt out of these last 3 bad weeks. I went for a long walk and there was no easy answer this time. No thought in my head that just pops in there and kicks me up the arse. When I got home I cursed everything. It went on like this for a couple of hours before I realised…no-one was listening.
And that’s the reality.
I’m only thinking as far ahead as my exam results because after that I don’t know what exists. Feeling bad is fine, we all feel bad sometimes. But when you start to rely on outside forces to help you, that is worrying.
“Why won’t God just make it right for me!?”
Because it doesn’t work that way. I’d been doing alright for a while. This blog may not have always given off that impression but generally I was pretty happy these last few months. But suddenly I didn’t feel like that anymore. Nothing was enough and I was damned if I was going to do anything about it.
I started panicking about my career. “Where am I going?” “I’m not trying hard enough.” “Wasting my life.”
I’ve had to finally calm myself down about this. Wait for my results and then start to make a decision. No doubt I will panic again after I get them but at least I can find out where I really want to go.
Then there is my personal life. Something I’ve felt at odds with for a number of years. Whilst there have been dramatic improvements this year…it is still not enough.
I’m letting the world know that by hook or by crook I will sort things out, through the rough times and the good, not because of unique ability but because there is simply no other way. If I stop wanting and trying…I may aswell throw myself in front of a train. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN - however hard life may feel sometimes.
Leeds lost last night. I felt gutted because I want us to challenge this year and I’m sick of losing to Cardiff.
I also would like Eugene to win BB. I hate Craig the fucking shithead cunt-face. And Macosi (I won’t spell her name correctly because she is a bitch) is one of the most revolting things I have ever seen in my life. Along with Craig.
Things just get on top of me and I go under.
Last night was the worst I felt out of these last 3 bad weeks. I went for a long walk and there was no easy answer this time. No thought in my head that just pops in there and kicks me up the arse. When I got home I cursed everything. It went on like this for a couple of hours before I realised…no-one was listening.
And that’s the reality.
I’m only thinking as far ahead as my exam results because after that I don’t know what exists. Feeling bad is fine, we all feel bad sometimes. But when you start to rely on outside forces to help you, that is worrying.
“Why won’t God just make it right for me!?”
Because it doesn’t work that way. I’d been doing alright for a while. This blog may not have always given off that impression but generally I was pretty happy these last few months. But suddenly I didn’t feel like that anymore. Nothing was enough and I was damned if I was going to do anything about it.
I started panicking about my career. “Where am I going?” “I’m not trying hard enough.” “Wasting my life.”
I’ve had to finally calm myself down about this. Wait for my results and then start to make a decision. No doubt I will panic again after I get them but at least I can find out where I really want to go.
Then there is my personal life. Something I’ve felt at odds with for a number of years. Whilst there have been dramatic improvements this year…it is still not enough.
I’m letting the world know that by hook or by crook I will sort things out, through the rough times and the good, not because of unique ability but because there is simply no other way. If I stop wanting and trying…I may aswell throw myself in front of a train. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN - however hard life may feel sometimes.
Leeds lost last night. I felt gutted because I want us to challenge this year and I’m sick of losing to Cardiff.
I also would like Eugene to win BB. I hate Craig the fucking shithead cunt-face. And Macosi (I won’t spell her name correctly because she is a bitch) is one of the most revolting things I have ever seen in my life. Along with Craig.
posted by A.Lee at 11:31 AM
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