Whatever
They are due every now and then. The last time I had this was 2 years ago. A point in life where a new page is turned.
As I await my exam results which will possibly spin me off in a variety of ways, I sit here now realising that it is all set to change again.
The last 3 weeks have been extremely difficult. It has been an ugly and negative period. A time when I’ve felt utterly alone and afraid. Nina and Melissa go away tomorrow and I should have been going too but a road block presented itself in the form of an e-mail stating that I couldn’t get the time off work.
On the way to work this morning I thought about all the times in my life when something has occurred (or not occurred) which has caused my life to go down a different direction.
Decisions, motives, ambition…part of our life’s blueprint.
The older you get, the more responsibility lies upon your shoulders.
I’d say for the first 16 years of my life, the major decisions were generally made for me but here are some that I did get to choose.
When I was about 14 my old mate Simon used to stick to me like glue. It got to a point where I had a choice….ditch him and become independent, or live with it. He was very quiet and we got to the point where there was no conversation but he would just follow me about. I couldn’t stand it anymore but part of me felt guilty.
Rated: Good decision
I started taking guitar lessons but gave up 6 months later.
Rated: Terrible decision
My friends started to drink at about 15. They invited me and Ben over to drink with them but we chickened out. You have to understand that our confidence at this point was non-existent.
Rated: Undecided
After my GCSE’s I didn’t know what to do so I just went along with whatever Ben pointed out.
Rated: Bad decision
There were plenty more of these kinds of decisions at that time but not all of them I can remember or want to go into. I now move onto the decisions made between 16-18.
When Ben quit college after only 3 months and I decided I wasn’t going to give up and that I would continue.
Rated: Good decision. This was the first time in 5 years that I hadn’t relied on Ben to be there all the time.
I quit that course eventually but on my own terms. I had simply no interest in pursuing a career of that type.
Rated: Good decision.
Me and Ben were unemployed and not at college so we decided to try and write for a living.
Rated: Good for a while…turned sour later. We let it go on for too long (for nearly 2 years of this lifestyle)
I got fed up of Ben trying to control me so I blocked him out of my life. He had turned very nasty towards me the last time I had seen him.
Rated: Good decision.
I was 17 and I had been offered what some people would call very good, full time jobs. But I turned them down.
Rated: Good decision - I would never have seen daylight if I had taken one of those jobs.
So while it looks asif I made the correct decision for myself in many parts of this period, there were lots of errors I made. Being lazy was the worst one.
So from 18 - to the present day it has been crazy. The loneliest time of my life, the scariest time of my life, but ultimately, and this is what keeps dragging me up when I’m on the floor, the part of my life with the most potential.
I can do whatever I want. I am free.
I just need to sort my personal life out. The brain don’t work if the heart ‘aint fixed. But at least I’m free.
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to say whatever I
Whatever I like
If it's wrong or right it's alright
Always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fuss
Get a grip on yourse
lfIt don't cost much
Free to be whatever you
Whatever you sayIf it comes my way it's alright
You're free to be wherever you
Wherever you please
You can shoot the breeze if you want
It always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fussGet a grip on yourself
It don't cost muchI'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Here in my mind
You know you might find
Something that you
You thought you once knew
But now it´s all goneAnd you know it's no fun
Yeah I know it's no fun
Oh I know it's no funI'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright
As I await my exam results which will possibly spin me off in a variety of ways, I sit here now realising that it is all set to change again.
The last 3 weeks have been extremely difficult. It has been an ugly and negative period. A time when I’ve felt utterly alone and afraid. Nina and Melissa go away tomorrow and I should have been going too but a road block presented itself in the form of an e-mail stating that I couldn’t get the time off work.
On the way to work this morning I thought about all the times in my life when something has occurred (or not occurred) which has caused my life to go down a different direction.
Decisions, motives, ambition…part of our life’s blueprint.
The older you get, the more responsibility lies upon your shoulders.
I’d say for the first 16 years of my life, the major decisions were generally made for me but here are some that I did get to choose.
When I was about 14 my old mate Simon used to stick to me like glue. It got to a point where I had a choice….ditch him and become independent, or live with it. He was very quiet and we got to the point where there was no conversation but he would just follow me about. I couldn’t stand it anymore but part of me felt guilty.
Rated: Good decision
I started taking guitar lessons but gave up 6 months later.
Rated: Terrible decision
My friends started to drink at about 15. They invited me and Ben over to drink with them but we chickened out. You have to understand that our confidence at this point was non-existent.
Rated: Undecided
After my GCSE’s I didn’t know what to do so I just went along with whatever Ben pointed out.
Rated: Bad decision
There were plenty more of these kinds of decisions at that time but not all of them I can remember or want to go into. I now move onto the decisions made between 16-18.
When Ben quit college after only 3 months and I decided I wasn’t going to give up and that I would continue.
Rated: Good decision. This was the first time in 5 years that I hadn’t relied on Ben to be there all the time.
I quit that course eventually but on my own terms. I had simply no interest in pursuing a career of that type.
Rated: Good decision.
Me and Ben were unemployed and not at college so we decided to try and write for a living.
Rated: Good for a while…turned sour later. We let it go on for too long (for nearly 2 years of this lifestyle)
I got fed up of Ben trying to control me so I blocked him out of my life. He had turned very nasty towards me the last time I had seen him.
Rated: Good decision.
I was 17 and I had been offered what some people would call very good, full time jobs. But I turned them down.
Rated: Good decision - I would never have seen daylight if I had taken one of those jobs.
So while it looks asif I made the correct decision for myself in many parts of this period, there were lots of errors I made. Being lazy was the worst one.
So from 18 - to the present day it has been crazy. The loneliest time of my life, the scariest time of my life, but ultimately, and this is what keeps dragging me up when I’m on the floor, the part of my life with the most potential.
I can do whatever I want. I am free.
I just need to sort my personal life out. The brain don’t work if the heart ‘aint fixed. But at least I’m free.
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to say whatever I
Whatever I like
If it's wrong or right it's alright
Always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fuss
Get a grip on yourse
lfIt don't cost much
Free to be whatever you
Whatever you sayIf it comes my way it's alright
You're free to be wherever you
Wherever you please
You can shoot the breeze if you want
It always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fussGet a grip on yourself
It don't cost muchI'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Here in my mind
You know you might find
Something that you
You thought you once knew
But now it´s all goneAnd you know it's no fun
Yeah I know it's no fun
Oh I know it's no funI'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright
posted by A.Lee at 11:27 AM
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