This is the bad time

I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure these last few days.
A pressure which makes you feel empty inside. Things have happened which just keep making me feel smaller and smaller. I’ve tried to contact people over the holidays, people I thought were friends but not one of them had replied back. An old mate said I could come down to Kent and when I text him back for details he didn’t get back to me. What is going on? Why are these people being so rude? I’m not really bothered but it does highlight the fact that I don’t really have anyone to count on anymore…which makes me feel sad.
I woke up yesterday with a feeling of emptiness. I was out Saturday night and it was OK. I couldn’t pull again. I didn’t much try either ‘cos after all the rejections you kind of give up rating your nights out based on if you pulled. I prefer now to just go out for funny’s.
I’m going through a period of not feeling intelligent enough, not feeling talented enough and not feeling good looking enough.
I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I am doing.
Why do I bother going to work? For the money. Most of which I am not spending. ’cos it’s not enough to do something amazing. Why I am bothering with college? I believe there’s a chance I might get a career I really want. But really I don’t know if I even want it.
There is nothing to drive me. Everything just feels so empty. The only things that I’m having any pleasure doing at the moment is listening to music. I wasn’t even going to jot these thoughts down but then my mum screamed at me because I was ignoring her. I wasn’t ignoring her, I had music on and couldn’t hear her. I yelled back because it was totally unacceptable how she acted.
Little niggles like that are annoying and keep popping up. I need some inspiration man. I need some colour to filter through into my life. In the form of what I don’t know but I will just keep on going because I honestly don’t know what to do.
Anywho.
I’m going to get another guitar. It will be the third time I have tried to learn it.
Is it possible to be such a fan of guitar yet have absolutely no ability to play it at all?

My name is Alex and I have an online dating profile

I have two weeks off and as you know I have no friends to hang out with. I also have no girlfriend.
So it doesn’t leave much to do social wise. I’ve picked up a couple of great PC games which run really well on my new computer but I’ve been playing them a lot this holiday.
I’ve been feeling the absence of not having a girlfriend for quite some time and since my efforts on nights out are, to be honest, laughable, I decided to go online ad search for some lasses I could perhaps get to know.
I plucked a website to sign up on from google and then had to complete a profile. The profile gives you a chance to show the other members what you are made of. So I told them my favourite bands, my fave hobbies and begrudgingly told them what my career at the moment was.
Great. So I’m all signed up and ready to go. I narrow the search for suitable members by area and age. The first lady I came across was a member called deepthroat7.
Interestingly she put in her profile “looking for…long-term relationship”. Good luck love! Her picture did nothing to convince me otherwise as she was dressed in some S&M gear.
I then come across a girl called slash bitch. I wasn’t going to send her a message but I liked the look of her so I did. I told her that I thought she sounded a bit scary in her profile.
One profile I discovered was called “candy girl”. She sounded very sweet bu then at the bottom of her profile she put “Things I like…Communism”.
Hmm, ok. Holidays to Cuba if we ever get married then eh?
A couple of other profiles I liked the sound of so I sent them a message and I will have to wait and see if they get back to me.
I will keep you updated!

Come on!

For the first time in goodness knows how long, Sky Sports will not be subscribed to again for the new football season.
My passion for football has been diminished to the point where I don’t give a damn about the new season.
The premiership was shite last year. Barely any decent games, non-stop talk about the financial aspects of the game and players trying to earn their Bafta’s and Oscar’s.
Leeds played well for a period of time through the season. Not that well, but still good enough to propel us into a playoff place.
But oh dear. We play hocking in the final and have to succumb to another lacklustre season in the championship.
The world cup came along and it was supposed re-ignite my passion for the game. Then England played Paraguay.
Every England game was shit.
Every single one.
The best England played was when potato man got sent off. We are constantly told about how good Gerrard and Lampard are.
They are the most over-rated pair of midfield players ever. Yes, they do score outstanding goals…but how influential is their general play?
Answer. Not very, definitely not for England anyway. Yes Lampard looks great playing against Bolon. What a phoney.
Then those two shmucks miss vital penalties, showing the mental fragility of a 12 year old.
The main culprit of course is Erikson. This balding, sexed up toss pot has wasted wondrous talent that we haven’t seen for donkeys years.
I hate Sven. I don’t really hate people I’ve never met, and at this point, I can’t say I hate any people I have met, but I hate Sven.
I hate that he got paid so much for so little return. I hate that his cock has been up Beckhams arse for the last 5 years. I hate that he’s had scandal after scandal and still managed to keep his job.
Most of all though, I hate what he did our boys.
Now fuck off back to Sweden.

Everyone is a friend

“Well you know you’re a cute little heartbreaker”
I’ve recently gone a few nights out with a mate I used to know from school. Now I’ve never met anyone, bar myself, who has, at one time or another, had as much misplaced optimism regarding a particular member of the opposite sex as I.
He introduced me to the object of his desires on a buzz filled Saturday evening a couple weeks back. She seems fine but my friends first complaint was “She doesn’t drink. Not at all. Not even on nights out.”
He believed this to be making his task even harder to accomplish. I quietly supped my pint and watched this female creature for a few moments. She planted herself in the middle of the dance floor and swayed from side to side while attempting what you could only describe - if you didn’t know she was sober - a drunken display of movement. My friend then informed me that this would be her position for the entire course of the night. Yup, she would just dance the night away…
Meanwhile, my friend would spend the entire night devising ways of trying to get her attention. At one point she came over to us and asked him to dance with her. Moments later he crawled back over stating “I forgot I couldn’t dance.”
On the surface I showed empathy towards my buddy and tried to help forge plans for the rest of the night but on the inside I was feeling quite delighted that there was someone else this incompetent at gaining the favour of t’other sex. Incompetence is the only word for it really. He has a naïve vibe about him, the same as me.
You see it is a long, dull summer when you are single. That last few weeks I have been out has been for the sole purpose of meeting someone.
So far it has failed. I can see the look of dread attach themselves to these young girls faces when I approach them in a semi-drunk condition. I’m then forced to retreat in the direction I came…back to the place of shame with the other single breed.
I like to think I have a type. But I don’t, not really. As long as I’m attracted to them it does not matter , I wouldn’t cut myself off because they don’t match my pre-determined type. Actually, my only requirement is that they have a pulse.
But what hurts really is how much I like the female sex and how little they reciprocate this feeling. Especially the young ladies. In the advent of self analysis and the age of trying to improve ones self, you must first admit fault. I have the kind of personality that makes mothers go “ahhh he’s a nice lad.”
I wish I was more rebellious, outlandish, confident and daring but that’s simply not who I’m not. Even typing that sentence makes me feel more guilty for thinking it.
Sometimes I feel like a weirdo. Which I kind of like because at least it gives me a uniqueness. Sometimes I feel like a boring old tree. One that simply exists.
I don’t want to give the impression of a depressed desperado and basically one sentence sums it up.
I DON’T WANT TO BE SINGLE.
There was this one girl I remember from Friday night. I saw her and I felt like someone had injected me with a paralyzing drug. I literally couldn’t move. It wasn’t that she was amazingly beautiful. She wouldn’t be to other guys but to me she had a halo above her head. I approached her but she just pushed past me.
Now if it had only been a movie.

Albion

Basically; My comp broke down, PC world took ages to try and fix it (they ended up giving me vouchers for a new comp which isn’t bad because they gave an amount which equalled what I paid originally), I finished my exams and I really don’t know which way the results will swing, I got back in touch with one of my favourite friends form second school and I have begun seeing a therapist. That’s about it really.
The therapist thing came about after feeling so socially inept that I had to do something. I’d noticed a worrying trend in which I would consume a large amount of alcohol before going for a night out because I was so nervous. So I would drink until I wasn’t nervous - which was a lot.
I can’t be bothered writing anymore about me though. Suffice to say I’m having one of those nights where I really wished I had a girlfriend, know what I mean?
The worst thing about not having a pc for so long was all my music that I couldn’t listen to.
One band in particular I can’t stop listening to is The Libertines. Once again I’ve come to the party late but they just fascinate me on so many levels.
They were super talented, included genuinely interesting band characters, made amazing music, had a great onstage presence (from what I’ve seen).
This is such a shit entry.