Missing crew

I can feel it.
When my schedule is full and there are places to be, I can’t wait for it to be over. Then when it is over and there isn’t anything coming up…it feels shit.
I don’t understand the mentality there.
This weekend there is nothing planned and I’m kind of dreading it.
Things feel tough at the minute. I’m having a hard time getting my head round these new courses. There are parts of them that are very niggley. They are perfectly doable but you start to question the motivations when you look at things.
My weeks are like this:
Work, college,1 night out…2 if lucky.
Quite a few weeks there are no nights out.
I just don’t seem to be able to relax and enjoy things. When I go out I’m always nervous and I’m sick of feeling that way. I’m anxious before I got to college and I’m sick of that too. But it’s just who I am.
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. My mum and dad are terrible when comes to them being taken out of their comfortable surroundings. My mum goes on the defensive and my dad gets all wound up and depressed.
Ya know and neither of them have any friends. They lost contact with them all and now they only have family.
I’m scared that I’m destined to just end up that way too.
Its just been one of those periods at the minute. My mood has been good but I’ve been quiet and reserved.
Little things are gnawing at me. Mark left last night and that’s another friend gone. There are barely any left. If I’m honest, there is only Louis who I would consider a proper friend. I feel like I should have more. I feel like I should be able to ring someone up and just go out impromptu. I was walking around town with these two other people from college and they got at least two rings or a text message through the break. I didn’t get either. No-one has sent me a text all week, my phone might aswell have been off.
That’s what’s bothering me. My inability to have friendships. Mistakes I’ve made in the past that sabotaged any possible long term links. Situations that were out of my control that ruined opportunities to get to know someone.
I’ve moaned about not having a girlfriend but that isn’t the root of the problem. It’s this friend situation. I used to know people online but now I know no-one. It’s fucked up and It’s partly my fault but I just didn’t know things would end up like this, I really didn’t know.
I just wanna go out and have fun with y’all.

Evolution

Anniversary of my grans death.
Makes you think about things. Start to regret things. Wish things had been different. Hope things will evolve.
I’m feeling a bit downbeat at the moment.
I’d gone through a period where I was a social extrovert. By that I mean I never felt awkward or quiet when I was out.
But the last few times I’ve gone out I just feel introverted again. It’s without any intention aswell.
I dunno I just feel quieter now.
Nina sent me a video of us doing shots and it’s hilarious. Nothing like that has happened for ages.
Saturday night was a stag party.
It was fun but was strangely dis-satisfying. The strip club was fun, the drinks were aplenty and the company was moderate. At one point I lost everyone. I wondered onto a boat and started talking to these two girls. We hung out for a bit before I left the boat and caught up with the others.
Sunday night I said goodbye to Mark. We had a 4 hour chat about everything. It was really good and I will miss him a lot. I’m very glad to have just met someone like that though.

Buggin'n'weezin

The weeks are completely different now. If I didn’t have time to write in this blog I found time somehow.
But now the week is exceptionally draining.
Work has changed. When your there for full-time days your responsibility level shoots up. Things seem to come back round a lot easier now. The people who you could tolerate because you weren’t there all day…are way more annoying now. The different pressures that appear are very stressful.
Then there is college. A different ball game all together.
To cut a long boring story short….things are extremely busy and hard at the minute.
I’m really enjoying my time off though.
It’s the routine I needed though. For years previous I just simply haven’t worked hard enough to succeed.
So that’s it really. I don’t have time for deep thinking anymore really. I don’t want to waste my spare time thinking about things… ya know what I mean?

Rock on!

I got a very interesting text message today.
Peter (Nina’s now ex-boyfriend) sent me a text asking how things were going.
I found this quite out of the blue as I’ve only spent time with the bloke on two occasions.
Still, we got on very well.
He rang me later as I hadn’t had chance to reply. The call was relaxed and friendly. By the end I felt very sympathetic to his current plight.
Without saying it, he made it very clear that Nina had cheated on him while abroad and she was now dating a Dutch guy.
How could I just take his word for it though? I barely know him. I could tell it was genuine though.
It was confirmed later by Melissa. Nina had been talking to me about going away next year but Melissa warned me off the prospect.
Melissa was practically dumped in favour of this Dutch bloke when away together. She is not too pleased about it.
So that is my plans cancelled for next year. So I’m just going to look for somewhere else to go. I’m not sure where at the moment. I quite fancy the prospect of going to Vegas after having turned 21.
Although Peter had his money problems…I always found him to be a top man. I find Nina’s personality quite revolting now.
I have the day off tomorrow….YIPEE!
I cannot wait for a lay in, since I haven’t had one for about 3 weeks.
I’m a bit pathetic when it comes to sleep. I could sleep 20 hours a day.

I don't really wanna know

I don’t think I’ve ever met a girl who, realistically, I could have a successful relationship with.
I’ve read so many tales of boy meets girl, boy goes out with girl, boy gets fed up with girl, boy dumps girl.
Either that or the reverse.
I was checking the room at work today and putting aside how attracted I was to said person. I considered how things would be if I were with this person every day for a considerable amount of time. The results were sketchy at best.
That was me being completely honest. I often used to think that me and Nina were meant to be but the truth is we’ve never spent lots of time together and the time we have spent together has varied from good to total shit.
She’s also the type of girlfriend that isn’t on your side. She was very sharp with her boyfriend out in public. Almost to the point of humiliating him. That’s not what being a couple is about. When your together you should be on the same side.
Crap relationships all around.
That’s mostly what I see. Relationships out of convenience, relationships out of guilt, relationships out of obligation etc.
Yet I’m waiting for that mind blowing love. Truthfully though, what are the chances of this happening?
I saw a film over the weekend which had two people uniting at the end…they looked asif they were destined to spend the rest of their lives together.
This film should be classed in the fantasy genre.
Real life is but a shadow of this. Real life is a few flutters of passion and excitement when you meet someone before it eventually dies out.
Yea I know that isn’t always the case.
But more often that not it is.
Maybe I’m completely out of touch. Probably. Maybe the fear of never meeting anyone has crippled my enthusiasm.
I just really feel as though there is no-one out there for me.
Ok I need a drink.

International crash

What an odd place I’m in at the moment.
I’m living life without any thoughts beyond the current week. Some would view that as a good thing and others wouldn’t, it just depends what type of person you are.
I don’t feel any particular discomfort or dissatisfaction at the moment…yet it still feels like something is missing.
Maybe we are meant to feel like that? Keep the hunt going.
But then I think about what’s missing and nothing comes to mind.
I’m fine with my job, I’m studying for what I want, I’ve got a social life, I’m in the process of getting a 2 month tour booked for next year.
Yet all of it is kind of impassioned. I don’t feel any great desire or ambition.
Life is weird at the moment. I’m weird.
I got absolutely hammered last night and I had a good laugh etc etc but I woke up today feeling like there was something better that I could have done. Somewhere else I could have been. Someone else I could have been with.
It’s fucked up.

Satanic Hils

…And was Jerusalem built here?
I noticed something Sunday night. I didn’t feel like I was yearning to be in a relationship.
How did I get to that position?
I finally accepted that I had to go into this new term clear of mind. I had made a good start.
But what happens you finally stop yearning for that one thing? Life pops a kink in the armour.
Nina announced she had split from her boyfriend. Her and Sandra had been talking about it and according to Sandra this left the door open for me?
Then Nina e-mails me and tries to lure me into making plans with her next year for a holiday.
Woah, woah, woah.
Why is this happening now? Why, when I have put all those feelings I had, and managed to get rid of them, is she suddenly doing this?
But the whole thing reeked of desperateness. She was so clingy in her e-mails.
And that just isn’t going to cut it for me. She’s panicking because she’s lost her boyfriend. She sees me as an easy pickup and someone to fill the void.
This is a person who hasn’t been out of a relationship since age 15.
And that’s all this sudden interest was. A panic attack.
Now I noticed something when she got off her holiday with Melissa. She’d met a Dutch guy over there and from what I can tell they really liked each other.
Problem is he’s in Holland, but I have no doubt that if he was here…I would not have a chance…again.
And again, that just isn’t going to cut it for me.
She said about touring Australia and America. I was up for a America but I’m not interested in going to Australia straight afterwards. She told me to stop being rigid. I told her that I would love to go to America next year but if she wants to go to Australia she can go with someone else.
And that wasn’t going to cut it for her. She wants a commitment out of me. She wants to be able to think in her own head that she has something guaranteed next year.
Like I said, the whole thing was rushed and reeked of desperateness.
I grinned to myself. If this had of been the last few months, I would have been doing cart wheels.
But I aint going to fuck up the mental position I’ve had to force myself into.
I know what will happen with Nina. She’ll eventually end up with someone else very shortly and she’ll go from one uninspiring relationship to another.
Her first B/F beat her up…her second B/F took money from her and cheated on her.
Me and Nina was just never destined to happen. Just not meant to be.

How's that?

The Ashes are over.
It has been fantastic. I started to watch this England team when Vaughn took over as captain and there has been meteoric rise in the fortunes of the team.
I was delighted we had won but almost sad that it was all over. Richie Benaud said goodbye to English cricket fans and the team celebrated their victory.
I don’t think you can go beyond this Ashes series. I just don’t see their ever being a greater series.
It’s annoying that channel 4 have lost rights to show it aswell. I had enjoyed the commentary team put together and you wonder where these guys will go next…except Atherton who is going to sky. I hope sky does cricket justice…this England cricket team justice.
My fear is that because football is such a big commercial entity, which brings in shit loads of money for everyone involved, now that sky control both these sports, will they just smother cricket and plug football further?
It would be a shame because this Ashes series has inspired young kids to play the game.
I can’t find anything inspirational with football at the minute. Every news story relates to money. Every manager moans. Every petulant player scowls instead of showing their love for the game.
But I ask myself one question…what would be even bigger than England winning the Ashes?
England winning the world cup in Germany of course. So football can always claim something bigger.
Are England going to win next year. Nope. It will be another gutting exit and we will all leave feeling sad.
Oh well.

Never gonna dance again

I got some form of prank today. It was a withheld number and when I answered, all they said was “Ahhh it’s Alex!” in a stupid voice.
So for this entry I want to line up the possible suspects.
1st suspect - Dave
Dave texted me about 2 weeks ago to say he was coming back up. I don’t have his number on my phone but it was withheld anyway so it doesn’t matter. Now the voice had a slight southern tinge to it (southern accent = stupid voice - heh :D) and Dave is from down south so that would make him my prime suspect. Why would he do such a thing? Well, he can be a bit of a cunt at times. Cunt’s do that at times. Ahem.
And it is not Dave from the blogging world either. I want to make that clear before he mobilises his forces and sends them after me.
2nd suspect - Dude from work
It could have been one of the many semi-familiar faces from work. They simply made a mistake. They must have seen a number on their phone (A number they may have called just once to arrange football or something) and decided to give it a call.
My advice on that would be to just simply say hello rather than ahhh followed by is, followed by Alex. Or am I expecting too much here?
3rd suspect - Melissa
Now it was clearly a male voice on the phone. So the chances of it being Melissa, who I consider to have the most feminine voice ever heard (think of Marilyn Monroe on helium - yea its that ridiculous), are pretty slim. But she was talking before about pranking me from Amsterdam when high. She could have got her boyfriend to ring too?
In that case I would question her motive. Unless she was high.
4th suspect - Stalker
Uh-oh. Could I be the victim of stalking? Should I take a wander into my garden and just check there is no-one in the trees with a laptop and binoculars?
Errr nah.
I have pranked one or two times in my life. I remember once calling a friend and pretending to be a radio personality offering him one of 3 wonderful gifts. I hadn’t thought it through though and didn’t know what to say next, so I ended up making stupid noises which I pretended to be interference.
Another time I rang a radio phone in. They were talking about wrestling and I wanted to ring up as fake wrestler and shout obscenities at the DJ. Unfortunately when I got through I bottled it and ended up asking him a question about who he thought would win the world title - I must have sounded like a right nerd.
I officially retired from pranking after that disaster.

Tops and bottoms

How a person can change?
3 years ago I didn’t need anyone to survive. I think I have to be stronger but it’s just so hard sometimes.
A feeling of vulnerability embodies me.
I see family members who have arrived in their fifties and have never been in a relationship. They have no kids. They have no life.
If I say to parents or pals about such fears I get the same response “Don’t worry, it’ll just happen.”
That’s what my family members got told and look where they are?
There’s 2 sides to my personality regarding this. One side of me was able to cut a friend off I had known for 17 years. The other side of me felt really bad about losing a work colleague who in all fairness…I didn’t know too well. Maybe it’s the fear of losing what that friendship could have possibly meant late-on which made me sad.
Jesus I don’t know.
Even reading back at what I’ve just said makes me feel pretty ashamed.
Yesterday was a family wedding. It was my dads sister was getting married and I hadn’t seen that side of the family for ages. It was so different to when I was a child, as you would expect. The elders weren’t clamouring over to pull on my cheeks or give me long and embarrassing hugs. It was just a few handshakes nowadays.
I was different with them all.
I was a million times more confident and I made them all giggle. I was 100% there.
Yet one person seemed disappointed with the change.
Jill was there who I hadn’t seen for a while. She’s about a year older than me and on a trip to Scotland about 6 years ago, we really seemed to bond.
I always got the impression that she liked me as this insecure, nervous and shy boy. It somehow endeared me to her.
And yesterday was no different. As I was sat in the registry office, she knew of no change . I caught her looking over me at me a couple of times, smiling. It was a smile of intrigue. If I could have read her mind, it would have said “Hey it’s little Alex!”
At the reception afterwards we got chance to talk and I was on top form.
She introduced her boyfriend who I had met a couple of years ago, the last time I’d seen any of them. He was like a cold fish. He didn’t want to know.
And then we went our separate ways and I didn’t see her again until the end of the night. During the course of the night I got drunk and started dancing…it was fun.
Very fun.
At the end of the night I said goodbye to her and it all seemed to have changed. There was no warmth from her anymore.
All the intrigue had vanished. And I knew right there and then that she did not appreciate the new me.
Another person who had changed significantly was my other cousin…Rick. He’s about 3 years younger than me and he was another person who I bonded with on the trip to Scotland. When I saw him 2 years ago he barely spoke either.
But now he was completely different too! He was so chatty and funny.
We talked for ages and had so many similar interests. He is a top lad.
Yea it was a great night and it rounded off a a pretty successful week. College re-started and it didn’t turn out to be the hell that I thought it would be. Ya never know what can happen but fingers crossed it remains the same.

Imagine a world without twats? (should have been a line in John Lennon's song)

College started again and it was OK. My first impression of the teacher is…well, I’d give him a B+ so far.
The atmosphere of the class seems to be just pitched right. I hope I can say the same about tomorrow which is a different class completely.
Adam and I have bantered at work for a while and it was fine when it was kept between us but now he’s introduced Liam into the fold.
The guy is…quite frankly…a twat.
A grade A twat.
Why is Yvonne with this guy? She’s giving up her art interest because of this shit.
He put me in a foul mood today. I hate people like him.
He’s the guy who wants to make someone feel bad. He’s the guy who wants to exclude a particular individual. He’s not far off from I would call...a bully.
Yup, it’s that bad.
The banter between us at first was OK. But now it has descended into him trying to humiliate me in front of people.
Twat.
I’m not a person who can command attention with my voice and this guy just rips all over me in front of people.
That’s why the notes were better. At least then…it was even.
He knows this weakness about me and he is exploiting it. Just like the arse-hole he is.
Come on Yvonne…wake up lass!

Brain dead

Are computer games quite dangerous?
Not dangerous in the sense that I might play Grand Theft Auto and suddenly go on killing spree, but dangerous in the sense that hours can evaporate into seconds playing these damn things.
I read about how this guy had been dumped because he spent all his free-time on his computer games. I think it mentioned that he spent over 40 hours a week on games. Scary.
But then I began to think about my weekly amount of gaming. Well it’s not as bad as it once was. The PS2 is dead to me. There just aren’t any decent games for it anymore. That’s not how it was a few years ago. I’d say up to the age of 19 I was some form of addict.
Championship manager…how many hours did I spend on that franchise? Enough to think I could actually manage a football team in real life me thinks!
I am utterly bored with this blogs template. I’m far too thick to figure out how to edit the template or create my own page so I need someone to hold my hand through the process…any takers?
I need someone to leave me a msn contact so I we can go through this together. Obviously for such a service there would have to be some kind of reward. I’ve got !tunes and will offer to buy 3 songs from there and send them to you for free… :D
Come on people…help me! This blackness is killing me!

Produced by Dr. Dre

Still can’t handle groups ya know.
It was the monthly team meeting and I knew everyone there but I could still feel…the fear.
1 by 1 the others sat around the early birds who were already there. I noticed my hand begin to shake. And I mean really shake, like I was having a fit or something. My throat tightened up and I started to sweat.
The meeting progressed and whenever the focus was on me, my face went bright red asif I was sweating blood.
Infact, I was so nervous at one point, I think I actually did started to sweat blood. Well it felt like it anyway.
I wrote a post about how I had proclaimed myself as new supervisor and ripped into the others. Today was the revenge.
And it was bad. Sweet old ladies transformed into vicious vultures, tearing into me like a piece of fresh meat.
It was excruciating.
Everyone got a dig at me.
And it lasted an hour!
They mocked my facial hair for God sake. MY FACIAL HAIR.
They insinuated that I can barely grow any…which they are correct, but it is still a very sensitive issue for me!
Seriously though, I was angry with myself for not being able to fight back. It was like a force had taken over my body that wouldn’t allow me to relax and just enjoy it.
I would have killed them aswell…like I always do when there is less people at once.
Thoughts of this week:
1. Wish I was more intelligent. I feel very limited at the mo.
2. Wish I was better looking.
3. At last I’m getting more sleep!
4. Ashes! Ashes! Ashes!

Lord Vader....rise

This is the last day of the what will soon be known as “the old routine”. Summer ends and I always feel bad about it. For the last few months everyone has let their hair down, now they are tying it back up.
My timetable changes now.
I will only work 4 days a week instead of 6, but the days I am at work I have increased my hours. The rest of the time I’m at college.
And it all starts tomorrow.
I’m very happy that this time has arrived. Time to move on.
I don’t realise sometimes how much I rely on other people. Even if we don’t say a word, it still makes me feel good just to see them.
Like Rick at work. I’ve known him since the start and we hardly ever see each other but when he is there…work suddenly seems friendlier.
As time moves on you learn the importance of other people in your life, especially the importance of how we need other people in our lives. Well I feel like that anyway. Especially since my nans death last year.
Wind up more venerable with people.
I got a text off Sonya today. It’s the first time she’d contacted me in about 3 months.
It was an incredibly suspicious text. She goes to the church and they were having a bash down there tonight. The message was so generic that it sounded like the same message had been sent to everyone on her contacts list.
Still, it reminded me that she exists. This time last year she had just started work.
Tomorrow is a fresh start however. There’s no Sonya anymore and after reading her text I remembered why.
I look back with fondness at the friendship we had but unfortunately we never bridged that gap.

The real deal

I have a growing concern for Yvonne.
You see, her and Adam our trying to buy a house together, and they are planning to get wed next year.
They’ve known each other for 2 months. That’s fine if it’s a true whirlwind romance but it seems asif the whole thing is setup.
Their parents have already met and agreed that they should marry.
What the fuck is that?
Their religion states that all this must be agreed etc.
But where is the love?
Well there isn’t any…clearly.
Yvonne is 21 years old and in a call centre working full-time. She is a great artist and was going to study at college come this September.
But suddenly that’s all scrapped. It just worries me that she’s gonna end up trapped and dis-satisfied. I told her I had enrolled on Thursday and asked if she had done the same. She looked at me and the expression said it all.
This Adam is a dickhead by the way. I saw him in a bar 2 weeks ago and he looks like an even bigger arse on a night out.
What confirmed this belief was today when he totally berated her for wearing white shoes.
Again, what the fuck is that?
I can already see that he is totally controlling her. He kept telling her what time they would go for breaks on, what they would do this weekend and now how to dress.
How does he get away with this? He gets away with it with Yvonne by aggressive manipulation. Other women are still impressed however. Sally summed up it up by saying:
“Yea but he’s gorgeous.”
Ok, so being gorgeous negates acting like a prick?
I want to encourage her to go to college but she makes it difficult for me to do that ‘cos he attitude towards me these last few weeks has stunk.
I’m just gonna sit back and try and be a friend. That means that I won’t involve myself in her personal affairs and I will try to be light and positive towards her.
That’s what I’ve been like all along though to be fair.