It doesn't matter if it's out of tune

Every now and then comes along a time when I realise I must change my eating/sleeping habits. For a while now I have been going to bed very late, getting up very late and eating very little.
The 2 main reasons why this has occurred is the fact that college has ended and I’ve felt all over the place in terms of emotion lately.
I’m really looking forward to a few blow outs in July and August.
So starting from next week…a new regime.
I have nothing planned for this weekend so far but I would really like to see Batman begins. I wouldn’t call myself a huge batman fan (I always loved Superman) but I would definitely love to catch it.
I also adore the new Star Wars film and I’m going to stick my neck out here because I know a lot of people disagree, but I think Anakin Skywalker is COOL!
For many reasons.
He was bratty in Attack of the Clones but in Revenge of the Sith he has almost entirely transformed into a brooding, charismatic and likeable character.
Likeable? But he kills everyone including the younglings.
Yes I know, but I still liked him. I wanted him to beat Obi Wan. He has longer hair in this film and a scar on his cheek…..COOL.
My sporting hero continues his excellence. Rogere Federer is the perfect tennis player and I could watch him all day.
Work was a lot of fun today. Every e-mail I sent to Nina I just flirted or made innuendos and it was fun to see her reaction.

Time to pick it up

I walked into work and there was an eerie feeling surrounding me. On the walk down I had been thinking about what to do if I lost this job and I felt terrible.
I started to think of my situation before I got this job and how horrible it was on the dole. This job was the first place I had been to in 8 years where I felt comfortable and I had just chucked it away.
When I got into work I was immediately asked to go into the boardroom and my managers talked me through what had happened. The people at the top of the company had found out and the situation was very severe.
“Normally this would be an instant dismissal, but because we know your character and the bosses have looked through all your notes etc to build up sense of who you are…you’ve got away with it.”
Wow that was close one. Apparently the circle of people who had found out, who I knew, had pulled a lot of strings to save me from getting sacked. I was relieved and it was very nice to know people would do that for me.
It was at that point that I reiterated “I’m so glad not to be fired.”
That workplace is like a rock for me. The atmosphere created by the people is something I cherish.
I’ve got to try and build from this and I need to start trying harder at work.

Like an arm rest

Yvonne starts her training course tomorrow so she’ll be away for a couple of weeks. I think she, more than anyone else, has helped me cope these last few weeks. Neither of us have August off so we will be battling through that month side by side.
We share a lot of the same philosophies on subjects such as music, humour and relationships and It’s always interesting to sit next to her. I’ve felt agitated all day today and it led to me making a huge mistake at work which could cost me my job. I made a terrible mistake but Yvonne backed me up straight away even though deep down she knows what I’m accused of…I did.
Maybe I should pay the price for it?
In my defence it was not intentional.
But I fucked up because my mind was just not with it. I think if I get fired I’ll just spiral way down.

Gaps

“Gaps.”
“Gaps?”
“Yea gaps. She’s got gaps, I got gaps….together we fill gaps.”
Where the fuck is my gap filler ‘cos I got plenty.

Miss you man

I haven’t had an erection all day long…
What’s going on?

Shrinking fear

It’s always nice to learn something about yourself or at least begin to understand a certain aspect of your nature.
Yesterday I got a taste of the university life. All the standard decorations were present i.e Collected Beer bottles, crazy posters and clothes hanging out everywhere.
Nina’s flatmates started to filter out and we all got smashed and went to Manchester.
It was fine…it was perfectly enjoyable and when we got to Nina’s house again I slept on some mat in a spare room.
The whole time though I just had this instinctive response of “This just isn’t me”
And I knew why and it was kind of reassuring.
Nina and her B/F didn’t seem to have much charisma as a couple. I could see Pete often try and show Nina affection but she would be hesitant to even touch the guy. Ya know it puzzles me to no end that when me and Nina are alone nowadays we don’t really talk. There’s lots of awkward silences and forced conversation but she is always inviting me out time after time. I just wish I could crack open her head and find out what she is really thinking.
But whatever.
Yea it was really good last night and I enjoyed the bars and clubs immensely.

Ridiculous evolution

It has been exceptionally hot the last couple of days and trying to sleep at night is becoming impossible. When I’ve shutdown my PC at night for the last 3 days I’ve laid on my bed for about 10-15 minutes with the lights still on.
I got forced into a conversation at work about Nina. Sally had recently broke up from this other dude and she was talking about all of that. She asked me what had happened with Nina and I was quite shocked to hear that she actually thought the two of us would end up together….which makes it even more bittersweet that we are not. I told her how things had developed and she agreed that that ship had sailed.
The change in attitude with Nina has been unbelievable and quite hurtful. I invited her casually to go to the cinema or to go shopping (with other people there aswell) but she either declines or ignores the invitation completely. So at that point I think “Ok fuck you lady”…and then she invites me to her birthday party. If I don’t send her a note at work…she always sends me one….but when it’s the other way around she can barely muster a response.
I hate all that. Why can we not just be normal friends? I accept that she’s in a relationship that she wants to make work…that’s fine, but don’t have a funny attitude with me…
No-one forced her to kiss me and no-one forced her to say the things she did. If I had a personality like Ben, after a night like that, I would have been bugging her every 2 minutes.
There are times when I wanted to but I kept completely restraint.
It’s like every time I show any affection towards her, it just completely backfires.
If I was a dickhead this is what I could have done. After we had kissed.
1). Told her Boyfriend.
2.) Told everyone at work.
3.) Bragged about it.
4.) Pressure her and bug her to death.
5.) Blackmail her (you’d have to be a nutter to do that though)
I could of done any of those things to make her life uncomfortable, I could have been immensely selfish and tried to force her to be with me.
But I didn’t…why? BECAUSE I’M NOT LIKE THAT. I know people who do those things….and they are dickheads.
So OK I have to move on and it’s hard because underneath all the bollocks I really like this girl. That’s not enough though is it? She has to act like a beeatch.
It’s been nice that Sam has been back at work and if it wasn’t for Yvonne I would have shot myself in the head by now.
I got a serious talking to at work today. Apparently other team managers had noticed me slumping in my chair and talking to other people when a caller is on. They are right though, I have taken the piss lately. Signing on late, taken too long for my breaks and just generally being a poor worker. I just can’t be arsed…I feel too conflicted and anxious to relax and do my job properly.
I like the way things are with Sally. She’s another person with so many layers to her personality. You can see her trying to be exceptionally tough but I’ve seen her in moments of complete vulnerability.
I can’t stand the sight of this guy Nick at work. He is like the devil walking among us. He also happens to be nearly best mates with Nina.
I’m sure he has some influence over her.
I like life…I really do, there is so much to feel inspired by but I just struggle under the weight of so much. Hopefully I’m getting somewhere though.

Stepping out

There is all that potential out there but I just feel crushed under this social pressure. It seems like everyone I talk to has thousands of people to call on at once and I barely have anyone. Nina was talking today about her friends etc and I just feel like nothing in comparison.
I think I would have left home by now had it not been for my mum. She doesn’t have a lot going on. She doesn’t work and has lost contact with everyone outside her family. I feel like I need to live at home just so she’ll be happy.
She confirms this mind set because everytime I’ve talked about moving away she immediately gets anxious and dismisses me.
That really doesn’t help.
It also doesn’t help that I can’t seem to meet anyone. I really feel like I need to be in a relationship now, not only for the companionship and confidence it gives…but also the motivation.
I’d like to be with someone and think “I want to work my arse off to get us somewhere”. At the moment there’s nothing anywhere near that.
I feel smothered by my mum sometimes. I don’t know what she expects from me. If it was up to her we’d spend all day together and at my age I just can’t do it, nay, I don’t want to do it. This was one of my biggest fears since losing my gran…that my mum would become dependant on me. She constantly puts down anything adventuress I want to do. She has always been extremely conservative, her and my dad are perfect for each other….they never go anywhere or do anything.
My dad works all the time and never wants to go away at the weekend and my mum just wants to stay indoors all the time.
I’ve been invited to Manchester by Nina for her birthday at the weekend…I wasn’t going to go until I was just insulted by my mum.
She actually said to me “Me, you and dad could book a weeks holiday away together”
Does she understand me at all? That’s the last thing on this planet I would want to do. So I’m gonna go away this weekend & I can’t wait to see the look on my mums face when I tell her….priceless.

Return of the Christian

Here’s me wanting a perfect world.
I didn’t imagine life at 20 to be anything like this. I didn’t really think about it though. I’m delighted that this year I have found the abundant life centre. The preaching’s that I hear are very reassuring and usually calm me down in all this madness.
I’m having one of those days where I feel haunted by the past and fearful of the future. Time could stand still for me until I figure this stuff out…but it won’t.
There are a lot of issues that are yet to unravel. What do I do from September? How will things work out with the people around me?
I need more companionship but I realise I need to relax. All this time I complained about not having any close friends anymore, yet every night this week Louis has been round and the amount of time I’ve spent chatting with Mark about life in general has been immense.
I just think Sonya’s leaving has screwed me up a bit.
Bit by bit I will claw my way back. I also have to set the record straight with Melissa and Nina.
Melissa’s birthday is coming up and she hasn’t asked me to go yet.
The ball is in her court and she can determine what kind of shot she wants to play.

Episode 3

It’s not a good felling to go back in time.
Sam re-joined work today, he had left last September to go to Liverpool and now he was back. It was an odd feeling because suddenly it felt I’d been transferred back to last September.
I started to think about last September and it was quite an odd coincidence that Sonya started immediately after Sam and then left just before he re-joined.
Today was lousy. I felt like everything had been undone just because one person had left. My team didn’t seem as fun or as friendly anymore and the work seemed even less attractive. And what the hell is going on with Melissa and Nina I have no idea. It seems they have forgot how to be civilised towards me.
With Nina I’m in constant wonder at how someone can profess the feeling she did and then do a complete 180.
Everytime I just try to be Ok with her aswell.
She said she was going to split from her B/F last week and at first, those old feelings of wanting to get together came back but I immediately put that flame out because I realise it’s just all bullshit with her. There is not an ounce of sincerity in her body.
I missed Sonya a lot today. Her spirit, vibrancy and character is something I rarely come across in my life. I realise just how much I depended on seeing her face. I always wanted to make her laugh and when I actually did it was great.
I especially miss the old Sonya, the one I first got to know. She was very soft, very silly and very endearing. That job toughened her up.
She had only just moved from Ireland and she seemed unspoilt by trivial matters such as fashion and hairstyles. She was a free spirit. As time went on she became more materialistic and shallow. She always retained her original personality but you could see the roots of evil were creeping in.
Maybe that’s why she left in the end?
I can think of so many events that occurred that kept us from being close friends and that makes me even more sad about the whole thing. There was a potential for more but fate, for whatever reason, saw not to follow that path.
I will write much more about this, possibly another entry tonight.

Somebody

Last night was Sonya’s leaving dinner. Initially I didn’t think she was having one but it turned out she was.
It ended how it had always been. I spent the entire evening thinking about how much I would miss this person and I ended up barely speaking a word to her all night. At the end we hugged and I got a bit drunk at a nightclub to help alleviate my regret at how the evening had panned out.
Today I felt real gutted that it hadn’t ended with a laugh. I had this worry that because of how limp last night was, she wouldn’t miss me.
I barely talked at work today because I just couldn’t find the enthusiasm. Yvonne was partially subdued but she had her friend, Lisa, sat next to her and they just chatted away. I remember back in February before I did my training that I was feeling isolated at work. New guys had joined our team and I had lost contact with old colleagues. It would turn out that on the course I would finally get to know Liam better but at the start…there was no-one really. You can test how socially connected at work you are by the number of people you can send an e-mail to. Sonya was the only person I could send a note to.
Melissa and Nina decided to have a get together today for lunch so we could discuss about a possible holiday in August. I don’t know why but I must have had sign on that said “kick me” because they couldn’t stop firing little jibes at me.
And it wasn’t a laugh and it wasn’t fun, it was just mean spirited.
Reading that I just realise that I’m particularly sensitive at this moment.

Have a nice life

“The best way I can describe it is that usually with women I am 2-D, but with Sonya I am 3-D. That’s what was never there with Sally. But alas Sonya has a boyfriend, but I’m left hoping and praying that me and Sonya can become good friends.”

I’d searched through the archives of my blog to find something I said about Sonya that summed up how I felt towards her. The above comment is from sometime in January.
Sonya left work today for good. Never to return. I have said things about Sonya in this blog out of frustration for me not thinking we were close.
I always wanted more. I’m not talking about a sexual thing here, I wanted us not to be just friends…but best friends. But you can’t force something like that. I remember days when I would go in and consciously make an effort to make Sonya laugh, I would always fail of course and then when I just relaxed and stop putting so much pressure on us…every thing just flowed naturally.
I received an e-mail from her about half way through my shift and I looked upon on it as the last thing I’d receive from her. However, at the end of our shifts, she had made special cards for me, Liam and Yvonne. The cards contained a personalised message and were extremely heart warming. Unfortunately there was no doubt about it, this was a goodbye card.
I regret so much about my time with Sonya. I hate how I tried so hard and I hate how frustrated I got with her. Even right up until the moment she left I was still awkward…I could never just relax.
And it is all linked to one of my earliest hopes regarding her.
“I’m left hoping and praying that me and Sonya can become good friends.”
In the end that’s all I wanted. I wanted a friend for life. I don’t say that about a lot of the people I know but I can say it about her. Too often in life we have to put up with people we don’t really connect with or people we don’t really feel that good with.
One thing has been bugging the hell out of me. The seating arrangement we had. For some reason they decided to plonk some new woman in my place to sit opposite Sonya and besides Liam. So for the last month or so I had a lot less contact than normal with Sonya because I had to sit at the other end of our area.
I’m not saying that if I had been sat opposite Sonya that her leaving card would have been a “see you later card” instead of a “goodbye card” but it just irritates, and ultimately, hurts me that we couldn’t sit next to each other for her last month.
Me, Yvonne, Sonya and Liam were all working a mundane job. But when it was the four of us…it seemed like the best job in the world.
I am really going to miss Sonya.

Can we show our faces now?

Talking with Nina today I realised what we were about.
There is far too much bite between us. Some may call it passion but I need a break. I can’t have my defences on all the time.
We are sarcastic to each other, we make fun of each other and we flirt….we are never nice to each other. I’d like to be able to say hi to her and just have a friendly chat without having to be ‘on’.
When I think back now I can’t think of a single time when we have just been friendly to each other. She tells me about the animosity she has in her life and I can’t but think that she has to be ‘on’ 24/7. She goes home and she fights with her flatmates, she goes out and fights with her b/f and then she comes to work and has to deal with the hassle and stress that brings.
Football was much better last night. I could actually control the ball which was a huge relief. We were 2-0 behind and somehow managed to scrape a 2-2 draw right at the death.

Whose laughing baby

I’d finished my shift on Saturday. The look on my face said it all. Sonya asked me what was up and I started to speak before she got distracted. When she’d finished she turned back round to me and said “Sorry Alex what were you saying?” By then however I had packed up and was ready to go.
“Nevermind Sonya, bye”
I left and felt horrible. Life seemed uneventful and dull. I had been invited to a barbecue and I was going to cancel . My mum convinced me otherwise and I left with a bottle of bud. I had a good time at the barbeque and then Liam invited me down to a club for Saturday night. I went and got drunk which led to a hilarious few hours.
I was up the next morning and went to watch this guy preach. What he said hit home with me so much.
My weekend had transformed my state of mind.
Today - it was a normal Monday and i was looking forward to the Contender final. All of a sudden the story breaks about the jury reaching a verdict in the MJ trial.
This is it.
An hour later it is announced that he is INNOCENT ON ALL CHARGES.

“Cause there’s a time when your right
And you know you must fight…”

This is it

...

1999 or something?

I never did that kind of thing. It was probably a Wednesday and all the other kids were en route back to class. It was my opportunity and I was left with two options. Go to class or walk out those front gates and skip the rest of the day. I cannot remember why but I just couldn’t face going back to class so I ended up walking out. I sped down the road and jumped on the first bus that passed me by. It was odd feeling and I remember feeling as though I was behind enemy lines. I was young so when I saw police cars pass the buss I would duck down asif I was a fugitive. What did I hope to succeed by running away? Afterall I would be back the next day. I hated that fact.
That afternoon though, I was independent. No friends had skipped school with me and no authority figure knew about it nor did they found out about it. I was proud of myself afterwards. It was a small but significant rebellion.
I couldn’t face that afternoon at school and could I tell anyone….no. Could I explain to teachers…..no ‘cos they didn’t give a shit.
Nope, it was up to me to determine that afternoon.
I don’t know why I wanted to share that with you all but I just remembered that little story this morning.
There was awkward moment earlier this afternoon when I was talking Yvonne and this cunt face Martin came over. I was walking out and I had to pass him by. I literally had to squeeze past him and he wouldn’t move an inch. What a wanker, I even said excuse me but he didn’t react.
Him and the other extroverts are going to ruin Sonya’s leaving bash next week. They just had to invite themselves for fear they miss out on something.
SET OF FUCKING WANKERS.

Piano roll

The past 20 years don’t count for a lot now. I remember fretting over my GCSE exams, although I never got to bothered by them, they don’t make or break a life. That’s what you find out as you get a bit older. A lot of the hype that surrounds certain aspects of your life is not really justified. Especially when it comes to a career. Yea it’s great if you knew what you wanted to do with the rest of your life at age 12 and you followed it through but that’s not most people.
I recently had a talk with this guy at a party and he gave me his number to call him to apply for a job as a salesman where he works.
I don’t think I’ll be calling him. I’m sure the money is good but so what? I must confess that I might not go back to college to continue my English course. There’s a part of me that wants to do social work or something along those lines. I wouldn’t say it’s a calling or anything as monumental as that but there is definitely a pull.
At its best this period of time gives me complete freedom but on the other hand it could be considered lonely. When i was in school or at college full time there were plenty of people all around me who were all on the same boat as me. Now I don’t know these people and I’m stood on the boat alone not quite sure of the destination. There’s a mix of insecurity and excitement.
I’ve had that same reaction from everyone when I mention booking an impromptu holiday…that look of “Don’t ask me”
I can understand that. Either they already have plans or are simply not fond of me. There could be millions of reasons and that’s why I have to do it alone at the least. If someone comes along…great, if not…I can’t wait anymore.

No sympathy night

You can only sit back so long before you have to take some kind of action. Be it crazy, be it negative, be it enhancing….whatever it is, eventually you have to do something.
Is going to Las Vegas a cure? Will it solve all of my life problems? Absolutely not…but I was desperate for something to look forward to. What stopped me from doing this before would be the fact that I was going solo.
Even that doesn’t scare me anymore. I just want to go. Away from this city. I don’t just want a drunken night away or a crappy holiday down south. I want to really escape for a short while…away from this environment….away from my parents, my job, college etc. When I come home hopefully I will have had a good time and feel refreshed and rejuvenated and also remember that life does exist outside of this city.
In 13 days time I am booking. Why am I waiting? I want to give this place that amount of time to conjure something up to entice me to stay…or…invent someone to go with me.
So the next 13 days I will leave up to fate…and then I strike.
13 days is the most I give it because I am sick of waiting around for something to happen. Before I wasn’t sick of waiting, I genuinely thought life would pop something up for me, or rather, someone.
But fucking no, that wouldn’t happen for me. So instead I have to create something myself….cos I aint spending all summer in this place by myself.
My mum has her arrogant hat on. She thinks I’m just going to stay here all summer. What an ego to assume that. Sorry mum but I’m not 16 anymore.

Wowzer

So I’m feeling like shit. There’s nothing to look forward to and then it hits me. I’m giving fate/life or whatever 2 weeks to throw something at me or otherwise I’m booking to go on holiday…BY MYSELF!
Where to though? London? Blackpool? Isle of man????
Errr nah. Where have I always wanted to go?
…and then it hit me as a tune barked out from the radio (don’t ask me what radio station)
Bright light city gonna set my soulGonna set my soul on fireGot a whole lot of money that’s ready to burn,So get those stakes up higherThere’s a thousand pretty women waitin’ out thereAnd they’re all livin’ devil may careAnd I’m just the devil with love to spareViva Las Vegas, viva Las Vegas!
That’s right. Call it stupid, call it wishful thinking….but why the hell not? I have to make something to look forward to myself.
Nighty night.

Handshake with the devil

The days are fine.
My situation could be considered acceptable but ultimately I don’t feel as though this is a real life. How are we half way through the year? I have a responsibility to my being to get the most out of life and I hate that little phrase “get the most out of life”, it is riddled with pressure and consequence of not doing so. These last few days and weeks have been terrible. Since I finished my exams I expected a shift in my life.
I don’t know if I can face going back to college in September. Walking down those grey halls staring at art students horrendous montages. I’m sick of people at college with the massive ego’s. They think they are fucking marvellous when in reality they are nothing.
So I’m not sure about going back but what else would I do? I may give up on any writing ambition as I have no ideas, no drive and no passion. I wasn’t going to send numerous articles off to my local paper but I sat in front of my computer trying to initiate a piece and there was nothing. Nothing. Ya know when I’ve been the happiest in the last 2 months? When I’ve sat with Sonya and Liam at work and we just laugh all afternoon. I’ve enjoyed that more than going out.
Sonya leaves in 15 days time with unlimited possibilities. She has her faith and her boyfriend and is ready for whatever may be tossed her way.
I just feel dead. When I was at the house party on Saturday and I was watching all these drunk sods I realized just how dull and crap life really is.