Time and time again

It was a special eve to new years eve.
Me and Nina were at a party and we’d been having a really good time since that dutch bloke went back to ducth :P
Time was cracking on and we were kissing and stuff and then as soon as it hit new years Eve we both said “I love you!”
It was really great.
I can’t talk about this kind of stuff in real life for fear of been called a girl…but since this is an online blog I can be free to be as girly as I want.
It is amazing having someone tell you they love you. Especially when you love them too.
And I mean truly love them. There is none of that “Deep down I don’t really like her.” or “Her annoying habits make me want to slash her neck.”
I just really love her.
I’ve loved her for ages though.
But to actually have someone tell you they love you is quite sensational.
It’s not a family love where it is a given…this is a love you’ve had to work for, a love that was not guaranteed. To see that look in her eye was simply breathtaking. I can’t get the image out of my head.
Then we fucked.

Like my style

Duuuuuh I went into work when I didn’t need to.
That was annoying.
Where I work now there are a number of friendly faces. There are people I really like.
But there is one dickhead who I cant stand anymore.
Recently its been building up.
He’s always having a go at me.
He would always do something which would redeem himself but not today.
I walked in and he was stood there. I thought “for fuck sake why does he have to actually be working today!”
He then proceeded to hurl abuse at me about coming in on a day off.
Now I know banter. I know how hilarious it is to take the piss sometimes….but this was beyond.
He’d crossed the line.
But because I have an inability to confront people i.e im a wuss I just watched him spew this torrent of abuse. I was stunned and couldn’t operate. I just walked out and went back home.
Not since school has someone given me such a hard time.
But c’mon, there was a lot of people that had a hard time. After school though, I never got hassled…ever.
This guy has it in for me. He doesn’t respect me at all.
And now the time has come for retaliation.
Either I will snap if he starts again and do something crazy like attack him or I will ignore him completely…cut him out so to speak. It really makes you wonder why people like him are even in the world.

Woop de Woop

I seem to reach a brick wall every now and then where I get really depressed but then after a really bad day I suddenly feel OK again.
And its because decisions are made for myself that need to be made.
What has been happening recently is this guy from Holland came over and he and Nina have a complicated relationship. Work has also been quite testing and college, well, that has been a joke these last few weeks.
I always fret about a career from time to time. I don’t feel as though I’m doing enough to get one.
This guy from Holland has created tons of problems since he came over. He wants to occupy Nina’s time…all the time and she feel responsible for him while he is over.
He’s been accused of forcing himself upon one of Nina’s roommates and he got into a fight with a neighbour when he kicked their car.
So I haven’t felt like I’ve had a girlfriend for a bit again and I slipped into some old habits.
Habits like staying in my room all the time and watching films I haven’t seen for ages. Habits like playing computer games way too fucking much. Habits like going to bed really late and getting up really late.
All this coincided with a week off work so I was able to indulge in all these activities, or lack of.
Then came Christmas. Nina had said her goodbyes to Dutch bloke but I hadn’t seen her for about 4 days and we only texted each other once. I even went as far as to leave my phone on charge for a full day.
I didn’t feel like dealing with “out there”.
I had gone out Christmas eve with some contacts who I wouldn’t regard as friends but I thought I better push myself to get out of the house. I invited Nina to join me but she declined saying she had to rush over to her sisters to prepare for Christmas day.
I got a bit merry while I was out and was ready for a good night. We moved onto a nightclub and I ran into a mate from work and some girls she was out with. We had a few laughs but I got a real sinking feeling about at about 12:00, I suddenly felt sobered up.
I didn’t want to leave though. So I just sat down and ended up talking to random people foir a couple of hours.
It was quite surreal because this club seemed totally different to whenever I had been in before. I felt really depressed at this point and I couldn’t quite figure out why I felt that bad.
I jumped in a taxi and came home.
So Christmas day arrived and I was a grouch all day. My Grandad came over and I had to really try just to make conversation with the bloke.
I texted Louis at lunchtime to see what he was up to and if he wanted to get a drink boxing day.
Apparently he’s now seeing some girl in York. His attitude was ‘off’.
I said to hime “Do you wanna go out new years eve?”
But he said he was hookin’ up with this girl and that we were “getting older”
Nice.

I wasn’t aware of that before. Why did he say that!? I don’t understand what point he was trying to make. Now because he has a bird our friendship is reduced to some kind of child’s play?
Well whatever dude.
Then I got a text at 1 in the morning while I was listening to some downer songs.
“We need to talk xxx”
And that was from Louis…no just kiddin…it was from Nina.
So I obsessed about that all night.
And felt like shit.
I finally went to sleep but when I woke up I felt fantastic.
My mood was so high I went for a walk…a walk!
And I realised that the problems I had were not infact problems at all.
Nina had gone through a nightmare time with this guy from Holland and I was there being all whiny and depressing.
Luckily I’d bought a very expensive piece of jewellery for her a couple weeks back which I was holding onto until the new year.
I rang her at dinnertime and we went out for the day and I surprised her with the gift. I was very charming and made her laugh all day long. I asked her what it was she needed to speak about and she told me “Oh it’s just I left my !pod over at your house.”
Ah right, I’m not sure if she was being honest there but who cares.

Karl Pilkington

...

Chaos and such

Needed to blow off some steam at the weekend.
Needed to get drunk.
It had been a shit week….people acting like nob heads all the time.
On the morning in particular I had grief with just about everyone I came across.
So the drinking began.
And it continued…
For about 3 days.
I didn’t bother seeing the creeps over the weekend…I just hung out with people who actually like me.
Nina had a an excuse to get mad at me. She called me to go over and I said I would but I was pissed out of my skull and didn’t bother.
I’M SICK OF THAT FUCKING DUTCH GUY. I’M SICK OF HIS BALD HEAD. I’M SICK OF HIS FUCKING ACCENT. I’M SICK OF THE WAY HE MANAGES TO ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THE GOOD GUY.
Ah fuck him.
I’m gonna be really arrogant here and say that he has no chance with Nina.
How do I know?
‘Cos I know something he doesn’t know I know (ahem)

Its not going to be easy

Last few days have been difficult with the dutch lad here.
It seems every day there is me, Nina & him.
He’s a decent lad but it gets a bit too much.
One really annoying incident that happened was the three of us walking into a room and a friend assumed those Nina was a couple with the dutch lad.
I was a bit miffed about that.
I feel a bit insecure about the relationship at the moment. I don’t feel like I give her enough and sometimes I think she should be with someone more “substantial”.
I was fine before he came over. A lot of girls comment on how good looking this guy is…and then, like today, when Nina changes her hairstyle and she looks extra gorgeous…I just feel crap…lol.
I think we were both strongly heading down the “I love you road” before this lad came over. I still feel like I’m speeding down that road but I don’t know if Nina is aswell.
One of the worst things that happened was when Nina drove the three of us around for a couple of hours. She let him, nay, encouraged him, to sit upfront with her while I was left in the back.
And all they did was talk. I never got asked anything and when I tried to throw myself in the conversation I got no response.
He’s staying over at her place and I’ve told her roomate if he can tell me if anything happens. He’s said he will and I hate even thinking that way but I can’t help it.
I wish he was gay.

Talking and talking

The situation that changes your character.
I felt like I had done it for the wrong reasons this morning. Well maybe not entirely.
It was a university house party last night and I ended up doing a few lines of coke. I was really nervous about this party beforehand.
Nina’s summer fling from Holland was visiting and after everything I’d heard…he was Mr Wonderful.
So the party started and things were slow. I was talking to a couple of people but it was really boring conversation. I saw the Dutch bloke and he was like the entertainer.
I also saw Nina looked like she was entranced. I got paranoid and thought “I am not making a big enough splash at this party.”
A couple of guys I was talking to had done a few lines before we had gone out and they offered me the chance of doing a line myself.
I accepted.
But I’m kind of confused in myself at the moment…is it wrong to do a line of coke just to make yourself feel easier in social situations? Should you just be yourself and that will be enough?
I was almost trying to compete with this Dutch bloke.
How did the drug itself feel? There were no immediate effects but after a few moments I suddenly felt “lifted”.
Being honest I am the good boy, a home-bird, the shy guy…not a rebellious bone in my body (even though at times I wish there was).
So I shocked myself really.