Suspicious minds

We got the results of our English mock exam today. I got a C+, which I was pretty disappointed with…until I saw what I did wrong! Well it was a combination of numerous factors. I didn’t understand a couple of the insane texts (a transcript of two colleagues talking about redecorating - officially the worst text ever) and I also referenced the texts together too often
At least I know how to improve. Ted got an A-…..fooking genius, he thought he wasn’t going to do well but it goes to show you.
I start my training tomorrow which means my first full time hours for a while. I’m looking forward to learning a new part of my job and I guess it extends the expiry date a bit. I’ll drift off a few times while they are training me of course. The tutors will be flapping their gums and I’ll be in a galaxy far, far away…

The shitty part is having to go to Pudsey all next week, there’s a real negative vibe around that way that and cements my view that “I don’t’ want a boring office job”

P.S - Last post for 2 weeks

Higher and higher

I start training for another part of my job on Wednesday, so I won’t see my team for a couple of months. Things have been left in an interesting place with Sonya. How often do you meet a person who makes you think about them when they are not even around? It’s not even about attraction, she’s pretty but its more about the connection that intrigues me. I told her at the end of my shift that I won’t see her for a while and she looked genuinely disappointed. Not since Helen have I met a female that I can truly relax with.
The best way I can describe it is that usually with women I am 2-D, but with Sonya I am 3-D. That’s what was never there with Sally. But alas Sonya has a boyfriend, but I’m left hoping and praying that me and Sonya can become good friends. The great thing about it is now I look forward to joining back my team in a couple of months. I would have anyway, but no where near to this degree.
I have tomorrow off but I would have been sitting with her tomorrow if I hadn’t booked the day off!….stupid.
I’ve got shit loads of college work to do though.

Limbo

Today was a normal Sunday. I ended up talking to my parents and I basically just let them know I’m not happy with things. They kinda knew anyway, but they lent a sympathetic ear. God only knows what I would do if I didn’t have them as my parents….I would have starved to death a long time ago.
I don’t feel self hate anymore though as I have mentioned numerous times since new years. I just can’t understand things, I feel like I was a train for so long, that one day had a crash and now is a thousand pieces scattered.

Always lived, very quiet life
I ain't never did no wrong
Now I know that life without you
Has been too lonely too long

Still Lee

Me and Aaron were puzzled as to why there were no girls in our entire area growing up. It was odd really and maybe it effected our outcomes in different ways. Aaron treats women like a rapper in a music video. Whereas I am pretty much the opposite, although I always knew not to act like a doormat, I made sure I kept “distance”.
My relationships with girls are inconsistent. That is the best way to describe it…inconsistent. I’m upset with a couple of girls at work now. Sonya had gotten in early and I just sat down on my normal seat, but then she got up and said “I have to do some work” and she moved away.
I have to do some work???? Where are we again?
So she moved away. She came over a couple of times and I could see in the way she interacted that she felt guilty about the way she just left. We both knew that she didn’t need to do that, but I made no fuss of it, I was just normal Alex. It was the best way to go in the end because at least I can’t be accused of stirring up trouble.
And then there is Nicola, who won’t even say anything to me? Just a few days ago all she kept showing me were her Uni photos of her mates and boyfriend. And I thought we were getting along fine but apparently not.
My self hating has vanished. These last few days have been like a trial…to see if I would fall back into old ways of staying up depressed because I believe I am a “no good loser”. The good thing is when you are real with people and only do what you can in any given situation, the outcome, if negative, does not hurt. Obviously only being yourself is no good if your Hitler, but I’m not there yet. Gulp.
I wish Michael Jackson would return. What I mean by that is, when I first got into Michael, it was a big adventure of discovery, but now I know everything…all the songs, the dances….everything. I barely listen to him anymore, every now and then I will but its not the same. All this shit around him does not help. So many people have been trying to tarnish his name for so long, they have succeeded I’m afraid. They have killed the magic. In all fairness what do MJ fans have to look forward to??? The only thing that keeps us a fan is looking back.
I still think he’s fantastic though, I nearly deleted the last paragraph on reflection but I’ll keep it in as a sign of frustration.
Helen rang me while I was at work. Helen is one of my favourite people. There is never an awkward conversation, there are no boundaries and we never fail to make each other laugh. A lot of people at work don’t like her, a supervisor made a truly horrendous comment about her behind her back….what a piece of shit he is.
If Helen wasn’t married with 3 kids, I think we’d run off together lol. People I know like to think they have an “open mind”, but they don’t at all…she is one of the few people who does and I really do appreciate the fact that she found a way into my life or vice versa.

These streets you’ve learned to love

The day has the same feeling as yesterday. I woke up feeling worried and anxious. I felt a bit on edge about the Dave thing, I didn’t know whether I felt bad because it has worked out like it has or because I let it effect me. Mark managed to give me a lift to work today, I bithced about Dave a bit, I felt like he was the one person who would understand. I didn’t tell him about the personal stuff, just the professional criticism Dave threw at me. Thankfully Mark supported my view and ended with “Dave is just not a nice guy”
The two new extroverts have changed the dynamics at work now. Before there would be 5 or 6 of us and we would actually talk about things...and it didn’t have to involve drink or drugs. That’s all these two can talk about, and it seems that everyone has to conform. Me and Mark were definitely the two quietest people tonight. I lifted myself and tried to act involved but this only led to another embarrassing group moment…face blood red.
After the red face occurrence Nicola looked disgusted at me and she left the shift without saying a word. Nicola is a friendly girl, she is attractive etc but she has a boyfriend. I thought we clicked a couple weeks back when we both agreed that we were “loners”, but tonight was a different story.
It was the same with Sonya. On Tuesday it was the first time I managed to sit next to her, and I thought we got on fine. I went home with a feeling that “I like this girl”. But today she would barely talk at all, I’d like to write it off as a mysterious mood swing, but she was very chatty with Liam. Liam has all the ladies at his feet though. So I was a bit miffed with all this….but I can sleep easy knowing that I was just simply me, and I can’t be anything else. I’ve tried, oh god I’ve tried, but it the end its doesn’t work. There are some people out there that appreciate my manner, and I know I appreciate my manner…secretly, deep down, I like me. I know that when I meet a person I try and engage in positive interaction and I will never ever discriminate for any reason.
Normally today’s events would have cast a shadow upon me, but I just don’t feel that way anymore…I’ve gone full circle. I’ve blamed myself till I’m laying in bed at night wondering if suicide is the answer.
I know why I don’t have friends, tonight was the perfect example. I can only be invited and I can only give out invitation, If people refuse that is their prerogative.
It is hard to look in the mirror at 19 and realise you don’t have a girlfriend or any mates. Infact, its fucking hard, but I can’t quit…I’m just too damn stubborn for that shit.
Much love to you all, I cannot tell you what a tonic this blog is. And if you read it with love or hate, I would always like for you to know that I poured real emotion out.
Goodnight.

The query

Did I get bullied when I was young. I can think of a few instances where the piss was taken out of me, but that happens to everyone, or so they say.
Because of my quiet nature I have always been an easy target when it comes to verbal abuse. There is a distinct line between having a laugh with someone and going beyond that into humiliation.
Something had been niggling me, there was a build up in examples but I just shrugged them off, but now its become clear that Dave (from work) is targeting me. I remember a time when Dave and I would briefly chat, he always had an edge to him, and would mock a little bit, but nothing that concerned me. Everytime he’s in at work now though, he digs in at me. At first I would say something back, but this only kept the banter going. He’s a fucking tosser basically. I intended to explain the full extent of what he’s been like, but it’s not worth it. I don’t really know how to approach the situation. I’m fedup with his shit. The worst part about it is that other people are catching on. His buddy Steve, has already started acting like a prick to me, and now I fear the 2 new extroverts will catch on.
I really hate him . I’ve complained about work so much in this blog…to be honest it was all melodramatic, it is a great place to work really…the actually work is pretty crappy but the people make up for it. Thing is now though, he is changing that…
What a wanker

Lets hear it for the boy

I was so gutted that Leeds went out of the FA cup yesterday, that I had to take some kind of action. I genuinely believed that yesterday we would beat Birmingham and progress through to next round…but no, as always with Leeds in recent times, we get shitted on.
So how would I see Leeds win the FA cup?
My mind began racing, my head filled with images of Billy Bremner and co lifting the famous trophy in 1972. I found out Russell Crowe supports Leeds….if anything, I have to do this for Russell.
Championship manager. I hadn’t played it for months (since I was sacked by notts forest…I got them in the premiership aswell!) but this was the answer. Now Leeds on the game had massive debts, but they were still a premiership team (the game is about 1 ½ years old) so I would be making a little stop in editor first. I cleared all outstanding loans and gave them a healthy transfer budget of £150,000,000...so that’s about a quarter of what Chelski have been paying out since last season.
Anyways, I loaded up the game and began the hunt for top players to bring to the club. After much deliberation, I signed about 7 new players and some coaching staff. All together I spent £90 million. Yum.
The new season has just started and I’ve drawn and won out of the 2 games so far. I’ll be patiently waiting for that FA cup draw, and if by chance, we draw Birmingham….I will most definitely expect a win this time round.

What happens when i try to catch a bus

Standing around at the bus stop. It’s an early start and I’m still yawning. When will this bus get here!? Typically it is a cold day. Everyone is surrounded by greyness. I’m jealous of the people in cars, they all look so…happy. Warmth would make me happy right about now. Where is this bus?
Ah, at last. I see the tip of the bus present itself at the top of the road, it stops along the way. If only I had bothered to walk that bit more, I would have been on that bus this instant. I never realised how long this road was before, is the bus actually moving forwards? I can almost make out the drivers smug face, he has a moustache and obviously enjoys his job, I don’t care at this point however, I’ll personally thank him for turning up if he can just hurry along. Eventually the bus nears, I glance up at the number and unfortunately I can’t catch this bus.
Number X9 (limited stops)
Limited stops!?!? I never understood that one. Maybe they were just invented on this day so I would be fucked over. The driver looks at me as he passes, he tries not to give too much eye contact as this would show compassion. Instead he just drives ahead.

I am really cold.

Waiting and waiting and waiting. I’ve lost all sense of time, have I been standing here for 15 minutes? Half an hour? An hour? Do I still even exist?
I reach into my pocket and pull out the bus timetable. Lies….all of it.
I’m left standing there, without a clue, without a hope, without a fucking bus.

Far!

What I really want to create is a children’s classic. Gain movie rights and become a millionaire. But a more impending reality….work. I go back tomorrow. Unfortunately it will start to become busier and busier, until we get to April and I have calls coming out of ears…literally. There’s a part of my shift that I love, I haven’t experienced it for a while. Around 7:30 on a quiet evening, there’s only a handful of workers in and the calls are slowing down. At 8:00 I will be going home, so I’m pretty pleased about that. There is a mellow atmosphere, a calmness not often associated with work. I look around the contact centre and in that moment….I feel tranquillity.
There’s a field opposite my work. This field has always been in my life. Strange uh? Its just a field afterall. But no, it is so much more. When I was young, me and Aaron would go over to get golf balls, we would plan strategies while the golfers were still playing. One summer, we went over everyday and collected about 100 balls all together, we even had the audacity to try and sell them back to the golfers. I look back at those days with absolute fondness. Me, Aaron and Jimmy would walk with Jimmy’s dad at night on the field , Jimmy’s dad would be telling us stories and we would keep asking questions so he would talk on, our real motive was to see how far we would walk that night. Even in darkness, that field has been shining. When I was 17 and doing nothing, me and Ben would walk over there every night, dreaming of things to come. That field became essential to our survival, it was a place where we could lose touch with reality, we’d often gaze up at the stars and become completely mesmerised. Last June I took a walk over the fields by myself, everywhere I looked there was nostalgia. If me and all my family moved away from this city, I would visit in 30 years, just to go to that field.
I know that this kind of thing appeals to no-one who is reading, but its just the kind of mood I’m in tonight.
The experiences I’ve had, have always involved a limited number of people and a wide open space. I love all those memories though, even simple things like walking to school because we hated it, we knew of the looming danger, but we were able to have some kind of freedom beforehand. That’s what it boils down to in the end, freedom. That’s what that field represented and still represents. Its easy to be stuck in routine and feel like your under someone’s thumb, but if you can get away and have a mini-adventure….why not?
I just need to make it on a bigger scale now…

There are those odd people that stand out in the crowd. Those people at the back of the party tapping their hand on the wall next to them. I’ve known a few of them to say the least, I always seem to find these people. I’m the same though. My childhood friends from my street all grew up what you would call “normal”, with normal life experiences…especially in their teens. I’ve always gone about things differently however, nothing is ever straight forward. It used to freak me out when people I knew were going off to uni…it was like “Welcome to the best adventure of your life (except Alex Lee)”
I’ve never fancied Uni….I don’t know why, I just haven’t. I don’t really like England to be honest, nowhere appeals to me. There is such a negative vibe about England (partly the weathers fault!) but our whole culture seems to be based around disappointment. The media are so damn critical and scathing of everything, whether it be sport , politics or popular culture. I would love to move to America, there’s a certain bright and appealing aspect about America. All of my favourite music acts come from there. America seems like a big adventure, just like Uni is supposed to be over here, only I would actually like to go to America. I know there is so much shit with the USA, with Bush etc. But there is something exciting about it too.
I’d miss football too much though, if I left England. When you are actually out there in the real world, in little Britain, there is so much potential with some people. This country lost its way along time ago, but maybe England will turn itself around. If I ever become a journalist, I’m going to always try to “keep it real” positive or negative. I can imagine being told to write something awful about Michael Jackson…no way man, I have integrity. I’ll always stick to that, even if it means I end up failing. I don’t want to be a fraudulent writer…


I know it doesn't make any sense, but I'm tired and stuff....nighty night

You just fade away

Watching Eternal sunshine again tonight made me realise I haven’t been obsessing about Sally at all. For a while now. Whenever I pictured myself in a relationship it was always with Sally, but now the face isn’t so clear…infact its no-one. There’s a girl there but she is an unknown. Things died with Sally along time ago, I wouldn’t even consider her a friend. We don’t e-mail each other anymore, things just…disappeared. Part of me is disappointed, but in my usual contradictory style…I’m kind of relieved. Maybe I’ll be more open to other options? Scrap maybe….I will be more open to other options. The wonderful thing about life is the way people enter it, even if they leave….at least they stayed for a while. The last 3 times I started college I thought I would not make friends, but I did. There’s always someone that you are able to get on with.
In eternal sunshine the main characters erase their memories of one another. I could never do that.

Hello there. Odd day isn't it?

This entry is pretty scary for me to write. A corny line I’m going to use ‘there comes a time when…
It’s hard to admit fault on your own behalf when you have blamed something else for so long. Since I left my second school I have blamed that for all my shortcomings as a person. Its easy for me to stay in my room and shy away from everything “its not my fault I’m in this situation, its everyone else’s fault!”
I was sat on the toilet (charming thought) and I realised I had no-one to call if I wanted to blow off steam. A wave of depression drenched me. I flushed the toilet and hobbled back to my room. The usual suspects sprang to mind. The whining and the moaning.
“it’s a hard knock life”
I got some junk food, went back to my room and switched on my PS2...ready to waste away this evening. But then I switched on my PC and went to my must read page of the day (Daves web-blog). It hadn’t been updated so I moved onto the next website…BBC’s homepage. And there it was, staring at me…almost condemning me.
It simply read: 2005
Is it 2005 already, I pondered. I’m afraid it is. Time to start taking chances, I’m not talking about climbing mount Everest, I’m talking about taking chances with people. Run the risk of embarrassment. I feel as though my soul can’t take another second of hiding.
I immediately did some exercise and started cracking on with college work. I hadn’t been that pro-active in months…
The difference between this self promise and others is that I have had in the back of my mind “I don’t need to do it today….time is on my side”, now though….time is not on my side…and that’s the crushing difference. That’s what is scary to admit, I always felt I would get things right at a later, unannounced date. But now I have reached a date where my body wants a change, I feel uncomfortable thinking about running away again.
So there it is….Alex Lee: Changing

A real rain will reign

My writing has died a death it seems. This blog is all I have been writing for at least the last month…probably more if I’m honest.
Where have all the ideas gone???