Might not see those eyes

Things have been changing since the start of the new year. I’m the same old person but I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something is different now. I’ve learnt a lot about the type of people I want in my life. I remember talking to Jill ages ago about this kind of thing.
Last night it got really odd with Nina, we hadn’t really bonded all day but then all of a sudden we were chatting in a nightclub about hotel rooms, if she didn’t have a boyfriend etc etc. I feel like she was just trying to set me up and she was just having fun, but I was genuine in everything I said. No doubt I will get the piss taken out of my at work for that. I don’t like the situation at all…the lies…the doubt, all that shit. I’ve read on Dave’s blog about his experience with Zoop. The fact they got on so well. Me and Nina don’t have that at all yet there seems to be some kind of “thing” there, that’s all I can describe it as. 90% of me says that she is just trying to embarrass me but the other 10% thinks there might be something else there.
Me and Helen always talk about how if the situation was different we’d be together. We get on like a house on fire, there is no awkwardness at all. If it was like that with Nina I would not have been waking up in my bed this morning. There is just too much missing. In one sense I feel bad but in another I can the see the potential.

So take, these broken wings
I need your hands to come and heal me once again
(Until the end of time)
So I can fly away, until the end of time
Until the end of time
Until the end of time

Fuck

I’m pretty drunk as I write this. It was a boring long ass day. Nina lied to me towards the end saying she would go with me if she was single. But then she said “joking” oh thanks. Bah so I feel like I’ve been fucked over. I hate you world. LOL

See you soon

I caught a snippet of the song Albatross. Immediately it took me back to my garns funeral. Not so much the actual service but afterwards. I was stood in this huge field with hundreds of tombstones. It was a grey day, predictably. It was completely surreal. Was I actually experiencing this? It was sad and there was a lot of heavy feeling, but as this song played I was reminded of a million different feelings. One of the worst aspects of my Grans death was the fact that she couldn’t see us all in the future. I always imagined taking a girlfriend up to her house, or going up there for my tea and just talking. I wanted her so badly to pull through her operation and recovery. But she was suffering, her leg had to be amputated and she had pneumonia. She couldn’t even speak. We all had to accept that she couldn’t stay any longer.
I’d been worried all day long about tomorrow until I heard that song.

A game

I am going to write this entry in two parts….the excited and the paranoid. First the Paranoid (get the bad out of the way)

Paranoid
So the extroverts have invited a few of us for a drink again on Monday. There has been a certain theme in the air throughout work this week that leads me to suspect that I am only getting invited to be a puppet. Invited for their amusement, someone to experiment with. There is no closeness with these people, no bonds….they want to humiliate me. These people suck. They do not have a decent bone in their body. Why is it impossible for people to just be….OK. Why is that such a foreign concept? Nina is going again, yup she wants another go at making me look like a fool. Cunt.

Excited
So after the success of last week we are getting together again on Monday. It’s good to be able to say I’m actually going out again. Ya know I have so much faith in my character right now. There was a beautiful picture on Sonya’s computer today. It just said that you are never alone when you know God. I guess the atheists can’t appreciate that but what I liked about it was that there was no specific God mentioned, not owning to one religion…it was just a general God. So hopefully relationships will move even further on Monday. She may have a boyfriend but damn it surely there is something between me and Nina, I hope there is and I will get to know her better on Monday. Although I would never try to chat her up sober if she has a boyfriend….I don’t wanna be that guy. Heh, well maybe.

So there you have it…..
England won 4-0 today. Sven’s record in qualifiers is unequalled….if only we could do something about those pesky tournaments.

Not a salesman

Well I did it. I got rid of any emotion that was hovering because of Nina.
But I ask myself the question…what is left?
Well, the urge of wanting to leave this place sooner than later. Once my studies are over. Where to though? Umm, I have no idea. The only inkling I have at the moment is Newcastle and there’s only a limited connection for going there.
There was a moment yesterday where I genuinely thought me and Nina would hit it off. But it was curtailed by reality and I worked on getting those thoughts out of my head…..why Alex? Well lets grow up and say hello to the real world. She already has a boyfriend and I know that when I see her on Saturday, we won’t even say hi to each other, or I’ll say hello and she’ll respond out of politeness. And no doubt if I had continued my thoughts of hope and promise from yesterday, I would have been crushed on Saturday.
Crushed? But why are you taking this to such an extreme level? I’m not sure, it just seems to be in my character. I have faith in my personality and spirit that I warrant good things. I didn’t used to think that, I used to think I was a bad person. But now I have lost faith in the world out there, or more specifically, the people out there.
However there are quite a few top, top people hanging about. Of that I have no doubt. It just seems that a certain majority…or minority, seem intent on destroying the happiness of other people.
There are just too many unanswered questions.
What is love?
Where is my place in this world?
What is our reality?
What is my importance?
I can answer vaguely on about 3 of those.
The reason why I act so irrational and irresponsibly when it comes to love or attraction or whatever you want to call it is because in those rare moments where, if only one party, experiences a connection with that other person …it is quite simply the most wonderful thing in the world.
I’ve cracked the male sex. I’ve had extremely deep relationships with quite a few males throughout my life (I‘m not talking sexual here btw). But with women, there has only been brief instances.
In conclusion. I want the world to know that Alex Lee, despite previous entries, can see the potential of life.
It’s just a ride I guess.

But I’ve just got to get that out of my head

After yesterdays heartfelt rant about Nina it was only fitting that she would be sat on my team today. Today she was friendly etc and it really confused me. She told me about how her boyfriend had received a certain gift from one of her roommates some time ago.
“I don’t really know why I’m still with him”
I can’t seem to shake her from my mind at the minute. I couldn’t begin to explain why, all I know is that I’ve just got to get that out of my head.
I know what will happen if don’t rid of these thoughts. It will end up like the Sally situation. Months of nonsensical and irrational pining.
Pining? What the hell.
I found out that Sandra had sex with Martin in the bathroom. She’s married with two kids. Ouch.
What is cheating though?
The 40 year old man loves his wife, has children with her and buys her nice things. But he wants to fuck his hot secretary? Is it such a big deal? He still loves his wife but he just wants some excellent action that’s all.
Doesn’t quite work that way though does it. Personally, if my g/f said she wanted to have sex with someone else, I’d say “cya later” I wouldn’t even be angry…I’d just leave her before I get physiologically murdered

Rehab

What a weird day. I woke up and was immediately hit by a wave of negativity. I just couldn’t stop the harassing thoughts that were fuelling my brain.
I also felt angry at Nina. Looking back at her actions on Sunday night and yesterday, there was a distinct amount of malice. She didn’t want to spread the news that it was a good night out, she wanted people to think I was a complete moron, which I know for sure wasn’t true.
So at work a few random people kept coming up to me and talking about it.
“Ah right, so who told you about it”
“Nina”
I don’t regret trying to hit on Nina while I was pissed….
1. Because it’s nice to live life like you couldn’t give a shit sometimes….it makes you feel rejuvenated
2. Our total conversation time was about an hour
3. Even when I’m drunk I’m completely placid. (That’s placid, not flaccid) I was just mucking about
I don’t feel any drunken shame or anything like that because I know it was all nothing. The only reason she is doing this is to humiliate me and it’s not because she was insulted or embarrassed, it’s because she is a bitch. I could of told you that before Sunday after the way she had been treating me.
I never understood why she had taken such a disliken to me after 1 weird evening shift. We were fine until then.
But it was a strange day. I kept thinking about past decisions.

Best form of defence

Damn there’s always someone filming. Every time…Alex is drunk, lets get out the video recorders. I hate admitting I was drunk, like if I admit it, it’s some kind of mark against my manhood.
I decided to go to this guys party from work. I didn’t really know the people who were going, but I thought fuck it. I got smashed and tried to chat up Nina.
Doesn’t she have a 7ft tall boyfriend? Who is a bouncer? Who won the worlds strongest man 3 times in a row?
Gulp. I hope she wasn’t offended. She happened to be working her first Monday ever today. What a coincidence?…so perfectly timed.
It was a hoot though….a fucking hoot. Nina and I got to know each other at Christmas and then something happened (what - I’m not quite sure) and she would barely even say hi to me. I remember yesterday morning before I went saying to myself “Don’t hit on Nina if you get drunk”
But I did. I can’t remember what I said to her. Apparently I offered money and the promise to “never cheat on her”
HEH…..nice one Alex. Like I said though…it was a fucking hoot.

You have no new messages

I was walking home from work, it had been a crap shift. Barely spoke to anyone, anyone barely spoke to me.
As I was leaving work we had to go through a revolving door to leave. This pretty lady in front of me went round and I went round, as I got round the other side she turned back and said “hey watch it!”, apparently I had pushed the door too hard. “Oh did I catch you? Sorry”
She walked off in disgust. As I walked up the street I seethed with anger, on reflection I wanted to not only catch her but make an imprint of her face in the glass.
I started thinking about the conversations me and Ben used to have down the field. He was the only person I could really talk to. He was the only person in this world who knew what I was going through because he was experiencing the same thing. I miss that, I could be as candid as I wanted with him. It’s times like these that I regret the way things ended with him. If only he hadn’t of been so possessive and controlling we’d still be best buddies. His last words to me in person were “Well fuck off then”
Buddies….hmmm, don’t really have any anymore. Buddies.
I remember in first school where two kids actually had a fight to see who would sit next to me.
This is truly not the world I once knew & it is certainly not the world I was promised. But what promises were these? We had Catholics ramming down our throats that if we “pray to God and follow the 10 commandments blah blah blah” that we would live a good life. We had teachers stating that if we tried our best with studies we would have a good life. But you grow up and learn that most of that is utter bollocks.
I can’t function at the moment. A couple of tears actually rolled down my cheek last night out of sadness.

Escape

Last night I laid awake mid-prayer. I always pray every night. I ask for whatever it is up there to look after people in my life etc, the usual standard prayer. I felt disgruntled though.
“Listen if this is all there is, if it is just 50 more years of disappointment and loneliness, just don’t bother waking me up in the morning”

Sober realisation

Yea I should have known…I see that now. Mum had to tell that straight to me.
Why I got on so well with Tina? The family member I thought destined to rescue me? We were both pissed. That’s all. No closeness. No bond. Just pissed. That’s all. That’s all it ever is.
I remember us not speaking 2 words when we were sober the next day. I watched Tina and her brother laugh and joke and talk…not pissed.
At work, Liam and Sonya…laugh, laugh, laugh….chat, chat, chat.
I’m just strolling through life watching everyone else “connect”. I tried to be chatty, tried to be witty….tried, tried & tried. I am destined to wander the planet alone like Bruce Banner. I watched as Liam and Sonya went off for their break together. I decided to go outside and look at a field for 10 minutes. It’s a joke really. I can’t even blame myself anymore. I’m not sure what to think or what to do. I feel stranded and alone.

Same backsides again

It could be a make or break day next Sunday. Since Christmas we have been inundated with extroverts joining work. 3 in particular I have had no dialog with. I wouldn’t go as far to say there is tension between us but there is definitely some form of gap there. I like to believe in the openness of anyone can get along with anyone. However in real life this is not always possible. If I had to write down attributes of a personality that I don’t mix with, these 3 extroverts would match the attributes perfectly. Next week is a birthday piss up for one of them. He actually invited me which was…umm…surprising. So next Sunday is a big piss up. If all goes well, hopefully the walls of discontent will be smashed to the ground. If it all goes down the shitter, then I am left in a tricky situation. These 3 extroverts will be on my team every night until I quit or they do. So fingers crossed it goes well next week.
The feelings of moving away have died down a bit. I knew they would. I’m sad about it because my attention is being forced elsewhere. Deadlines for college etc just filling up my head. I’m unsure of the next step to take. There is a general structure i.e Working and college again next year. But that doesn’t feel enough….how can it?
I was praying Tina would invite me to stay with her but I haven’t heard from her since.
I’m 20 next month and things aren’t that enjoyable.

Standards and practises

It’s real nice that work is staying open extra late to take comic relief calls tomorrow night. They want me to stay a few extra hours past my shift to help out. OK I don’t mind. I might do an extra hour or two.

And here’s a wacky idea, why not close the billing lines a couple of hours and make a start early.

Ah but wait that interferes with policy, statistics, facts and figures & objectives. Typical. It will be interesting to see if any of the hierarchy will be on the phones. I doubt they will even stay to watch.

Try to see it my way

Mmmmm the warmth of my bed on a cold morning when the rest of the world is getting up. I laid there with my eyes shut ready to drift off. It was 11:00, I really had no reason to get up. What was waiting for me….work? Is that all?
Cheer up Alex, each day breeds new possibilities.
It’s the end of the day.

Take mine

I feel like I’m in bubble wrap with my parents. They don’t understand the need for my independence & they don’t understand my need for experimentation.
It really annoyed me.
They came home from looking at houses. The houses they looked at were on the outskirts of this shit hole. They came bouncing in the door gleaming with pride at their “find”.
“We could move there”
We…?
Hmmm I don’t think so. I get on very well with my parents and there is a relaxed atmosphere at home for which I am very grateful, but I often feel the burden of being an only child. It’s like all their focus is on me. I get the feeling if I ever actually leave home they will crumble into depression.
They just don’t get it. I’ve talked to them so much over the last 3 weeks about wanting to get away. I’ve talked about living with other people. Come on mum & dad, take a hint.
The silence of this house kills me. Room after room of emptiness. No spirit or vibrancy. Dead.
That’s fine if you’re my parents age…hell, that’s ideal. But at my age???? 19???
What would be great is if I could meet somebody. Heal up all those open wounds of loneliness. I look outside my window and I just don’t know this place, even though I’ve lived here all my life.
Where is that special someone who is going to open up my soul and rescue me? I have no urge to explore on my own. Maybe I’m afraid?
Afraid of what?…..afraid that somewhere else won’t work out either.
That weekend of fun is drifting further and further away. The hope of Tina inviting me to Newcastle peters out with every passing day.
What is life? What really is life? As I write this, life seems like many things. Boring, deceptive, funny, cold, joyous.
I don’t feel as though I have a seat in life. Weeks roll by and I temporarily feel great but underneath is a
Cesspit of loneliness and bitterness. I try to look beyond the bitterness and ignore it as it is completely self destructive and a waste of time. The loneliness is quite different. Excuse this cliché, and by golly there has been a lot of them in this entry, but loneliness really is like a shadow. It is only apparent in certain conditions, but when it is there….you can’t get rid of it.
There is this sign at the top of my road that I can see from my window. Everytime I glance this sign, whether it be accidental or on purpose, a feeling explodes in my stomach. I remember after that weekend I came home in an ok mood. I was far more stable than I was for the rest of that week. But that first night, I closed my curtains and that sign was brightly lit. It was almost as though it was talking to me. I think it said something like “After all that, here you are, staring at me”.
It was always inevitable that after the weekend was done I would be home. It was just such a good weekend that I forgot.
I can hear our crazy neighbour downstairs borrowing something again. Just by your own dude.
I’m going to end up resenting my mum and dad, maybe I already do?

Nails in my bed

The benefit of a good woman.
I’ve heard a lot this week from my two uncles. They are in two similar positions. Two kids, married 10 years, nice car and a nice house.
One of my uncles recently took a new job. He earns a very generous amount each year and the kids are treated to Disney Land every couple of years (Florida Disney land!). Wasn’t always like that though. He was out of work and in debt at one point and the marriage was on the rocks. His wife stood by him against all odds. My other uncle’s life is made hell by his wife.

Today was the hardest working day ever. Call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call after call….wait…but that’s your job! Yes I know but all those calls were extremely difficult , each like a murder investigation.
It will take a week for my brain to unravel. Unfortunately I’m back there tomorrow at 9:00.
…And what do I have to come home to…

That way

It is an odd time.
The future seems scary. Not necessarily bright. Not bright enough.
I took a break from blogging as the last few entries were becoming repetitive. Especially for me writing them.
I was feeling pretty messed up at the start of this week. Work was the last place I wanted to be. I told myself I must try to be positive and optimistic in my approach. My interaction with people there has been a lot healthier.
There is a surrealness to my life at the moment. I honestly can’t say what will occur in the next few months.

In this world there's much confusion
And I've taste the city life and it's not for me
Now I do dream of distant places
Where? I don't know now, but it's destiny...