I've been framed

Me and Nina were drunk. Really drunk.
“We should get married.”
“I agree. We’ll get hitched next week yea?”
“Yea.”
The next morning I wake up. Nina is already dressed and ready to go to work.
“So we on for next week still.”
My mind panics and I remember what we said the night before. I couldn’t even say anything I was just too stunned.
She walked over the door, smiled and said “Only joking.” She then proceeded to laugh as she exited.
I laughed too.
It has been a whirlwind with Nina. A lot of feelings are flying about.
There’s something bigger building here. Sometimes we just catch each other staring into each others eyes. Our lips poised. We both want to say something but we can’t. Eventually the feeling will be overwhelming but for the minute we can just about contain.

Granted

I only ever had one relationship before Nina.
Her name was Nicole.
It was around the time of my second spell at college. We were both complete outsiders there and we used to spend all day just hanging about.
She was the type of person who got herself into difficult situations very easily. She fell out with at least half of the other people on our course. No-body ever took the time to get to know her.
We naturally gravitated towards each other but it took time for me to crack her open.
I usually don’t allow myself to think about her. There were times when I wanted to do entries in here about her but I wouldn’t let myself..
The course was coming to an end for both of us and problems were arising. My parents didn’t like her, my friends didn’t like her…it seemed like I was the only person who did.
It was such an odd relationship. We used to go to the park in the mornings and spend our time just walking about. She hated Ben aswell.
Both of us used to wear what many would consider shit clothes. I would always wear a tatty old cap and she would be wearing a variety of different flannel type shirt things.
We seemed to operate outside of society. Both of us refused to get a job or study at all.
We eventually called it off. I wanted to get on with things and she couldn’t understand it. She had a lot of problems. Towards the end she would tell me about how she’d been drinking all night in her room. She had no friends and lived with her dad who worked all the time.
I don’t know the exact point it ended but I worried about her. She was in a dark place and there was nothing about her that suggested she would change.
Today though I was contacted by her. I was eating my Sunday lunch and she called my house. I told her I would call her later on my mobile which I did.
Turns out she’s leaving the country on Friday and she wanted to let me know. We hadn’t spoke in ages but apparently I was “never too far away in her thoughts”. She’s going to live with a new boyfriend in Spain. I was very relieved that things were going well for her.
After the catch up part of our conversation we really talked. It came back to me just how much this girl and I had connected through our social inadequateness. She was happy for me too. We laughed about all the good times we had together…and there were plenty of good times, simple things like just taking a walk together.
Me and her were on the same side of the coin. Two dysfunctional people who found it difficult to just get by.
But life gave us the great gift of each other.
We promised to stay in touch this time by e-mail, phone etc.
I feel that now me and Nicole have talked again I can finally let my memory of that time exist again. Until now I had buried it and treated it asif it never happened.

Great

If there is one period of time I could just save and keep it would be right now.
Everything is great.
My social life is full-time. My job has significantly improved. I’m excelling at college. I’ve got a girlfriend that’s renewed my faith.
I don’t want anymore. I just feel asif this is all I need. It’s like being on a constant buzz.
Living at home is to be honest…great.
I don’t get any hassle at all.
And if I’m staying at home for the night…meals are always cooked, washing is always done and my room is spotless.
Of course I have to pay a monthly fee but it’s great.
Sure, I have ambition of leaving my home and moving somewhere else…but I will only do that when I am ready, when I have the money i.e when I’m in a sufficient career.
Ya see…my parents aren’t the enemy. They aren’t a couple of ogres trying to ruin my fun. They both know that I’m an adult and so I need my own space.
I can just stay at Nina’s a few nights aswell which really mixes things up.
The balance seems perfect right now.
I know there will be bad things to face. I can accept that. But now I know I can have the good times too.
Football was the best ever this week.
I scored the winning goal from the other side of the pitch just as the clock ran out. The timing was quite unbelievable.
So that is how things are at the moment. Great.

Dancing with girls

Had another brill night out.
This one was special though. The music was so spot on….it just had a great vibe to it.
The people were really cool aswell.
Possibly the best night out ever?
Me thinks so.
It was perfection I just can’t describe it.
There was one particular song that came on which just perfectly encapsulated the entire night.
To be honest all I want to write about is things with Nina. She is my happiness….that’s the only way to describe the situation.
Just thinking about me actually been with this girl is enthralling.
She’s spontaneous, fun, sexy, outgoing, warm-hearted and everything else wonderful.
She’s given me so much. I feel alive!
Sometimes I wonder how I even attracted her.
I remember one thing which used to be a common factor at my old workplace (where she still works) was that after every night out I was the talking point.
There was a certain craziness to when I got out there. I think she liked that.
I used to call it “hitting the self destruct button” - where you just go out and think “I don’t give a fuck.”
I was always nervous before I went out but as soon as I was there it was 100%.
But anyways.
I’ve discovered so much about Nina, another side completely to what I once thought.
So the point I’m trying to make is….I really, really like her.

Easy night

How did the work night go???
We met up at a pub on the outskirts of town and there was this bloke on a microphone who was bothering us so we decided to go into town.
A few hours later and I was having a ball.
I kept requesting songs and then staging my own little dances while singing the words.
“Maybe you just too demanding…maybe your just like my mother!”
I love classic songs…I love them!
A bit of Karaoke…woop!
We moved onto another club and guess who was in there…Nina.
Hmmm I thought she was staying in? Or did she say she was going out? Where am I again?
Yes I was tipsy.
Nina had a bottle in her hand and was talking to this lad. I went straight to the toilet (I was peeing for about 5 minutes…I hate that)
And I started to worry because when Nina drinks she gets…well…horny.
I went downstairs again and searched for her on the dance floor..
And there she was…snogging this other bloke.
My heart sank and I sobered up. I rushed over and grabbed her on the shoulder.
“I can’t believe you!!!”
Problem was….it wasn’t Nina!
Oh shit!
This bloke was huge and he looked really pissed off with me! I quickly sedated him by offering to get them both drinks. He was Ok then.
We decided to move on again after that little incident and we ended up doing a few shots and one of the girls was sick on a wall…yuck.
Nina texted me and said she was in a near by club and she wanted me to see her. I slurred some form of utterance out and hung up.
I eventually did make it over to the club Nina was at and luckily she had gotten a bit drunk herself.
I’d lost my work colleagues by now.
Now me and Nina are still quite a new couple and we have certain urges. There’s also the 6 month build up of sexual tension that we are still catching up on aswell. Her friend Helen was there too and brought with her a couple of e tablets.
Nina and Helen shared half of one together and tried to persuade me to have a full one.
No way!
I will not resort to this.
After a couple of drinks though I ended up doing half of one myself.
Can you see where I am going with this story?
I didn’t feel too weird after taking it but a bit later it kicked in for all 3 of us. Now my memory is a bit unclear about the following events because I’d been drinking heavily all evening but Helen was all over Nina and we all ended up snogging each other numerous times.
It was crazy and I was feeling ill. We went back to Helens flat and I was sitting in a chair in the room feeling very dizzy and intoxicated.
Nina and Helen were stood in front of me and Helen asked…
“Would you like to see me and Nina go down on each other.”
They started giggling and I felt like I was going through a battle with myself at that moment.
I said rather shakily…
“Have you two done stuff like this before?”
A resounding no came from both their mouths.
“Cool.” I whispered.
My head was now aching.
“I gotta lay down girls…I feel sick.”
Helen then tried to kiss Nina but she pulled away and came over to me. We went upstairs to the bedroom and I crashed out. The last thing I remember was Nina saying “I’m locking the door ‘cos Helen’s fucked.” She then climbed into bed with me and fell asleep.
Breakfast was exceptionally awkward this morning. Me and Nina just got the hell out of their as quick as possible.
On the way back home Nina said “You might of missed out on your chance to have a threesome?”
I had the chance to say something to gain a few browney points and I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity
“I don’t care your all I need love.”

Getting spammed

It’s the first work night out tomorrow.
I’m not keen on going but I suppose I should at least go this once.
The trouble is some of the people are arseholes.
There is this one lad who is a graduate. He’s a fucking tosser.
I’ve had a problem all week with “males”. The lasses have been really easy to get on with but I haven’t been able to talk to one of the blokes.
I’d like to again paint a rosey picture of my previous workplace but I know that for the last 3 months there the “males” were hating on me.
I feel as though I don’t relate to anyone of my gender at the minute. There is no-one I could sit down with and have a laugh and a chat.
Since Mark left for down south again…there hasn’t really been anyone else I know that easy-going. They all seem too wound up to even say hello.
As the years have rolled I’ve just moved farther away from my own gender. I’m able to get along with females a lot easier.
I don’t know what that says about me :s
There was this one lad I used to know at school and he was quite possibly the easiest going guy I’ve ever met.
I could walk up to him at anytime and he’d always talk.
Basically…I want people to be nicer.
But I guess I can only do my part.

OoooOOOooOOooooo

Work was a nightmare again.
I got sent out with 3 other people. We had to go in the back of a van and drive way out of the city to go to some warehouse.
Why did we have to go?
No one has a fucking clue. All we did when we got there was stand around.
In the end we got lost.
It got to 3pm and we hadn’t a bite to eat. We demanded at least half an hour to go get something.
We set off and none of us knew the area at all. We walked and walked and walked until we caught sight of some shops beyond a field. We marched on though this field realising we were getting no-where, by this time we had past the half an hour deadline.
It started raining just to add insult and none of us had jackets because they were back in our office. We eventually made it to the shops and got something to eat, unfortunately we seemed to not have a clue how to get back. I don’t know how it happened but we were all completely lost.
After wondering around for ages we finally got back to the warehouse at about….ummm…5:00pm.
What was hilarious was that they hadn’t even finished what they were doing. We didn’t set off back home until 7:00pm in the end.
We got promised that things would be changing and we would get some consistency in our work days, so I’ll stick it out and see what happens.

United progress

The new job is getting scarier and scarier.
I ended up in a room full of strangers. We were in there for 3 hours with nothing to do. No-one talked to anyone else.
It was so deadly silent.
Basically the company is on it’s last legs & they are doing everything and anything to try and keep it afloat.
So I go in everyday and I’m constantly being shifted about.
I really miss my old job L
I was sat at dinnertime and it hit me and I got this strange feeling of being grown up.
By that I mean the safety net of schooling and studying does not seem to exist anymore. It was OK at school and when I started college because… “A career is guaranteed.”
But I don’t believe that to be true anymore. I always thought it would be easy to find a suitable job but after scouting about…there really is nothing except admin work.
I see myself now entering a 10 year battle to get a career. I’m sure I’ll wonder down many paths and hopefully at the end I’ll have something concrete.

In bloom

I got my arse kicked at football.
Literally. Kicked and hustled all over the pitch. At the end I just slumped into a heap. Nina came over and helped me up.
She’d also brought me a jam tart :D
I was up on my feet immediately.
Nina’s confidence is an amazing thing to watch.
I was never really attracted to shy girls….I didn’t want the female version of myself.
But I watch and listen as she interacts with someone new and see someone not afraid to say whatever she feels. I wish I was like that. But then I on the same side I can see the vulnerability and the pessimism she has with new people.
Whereas I’m not like that. I want to give my trust to people but I can see Nina edging her bets about who she lets in.
It sounds weird but I kind of like that. I like the vulnerability she has and I feel like I’m impressing her when I just do something nice.
God she’s been hurt so many times. I’ve heard stories about best friends and ex-boyfriends and her rommie Martin told me “…for whatever reason, she just has a target on her head and people take advantage.”
We all have certain things about us the people pick up on.
This guy I’m working with now, he’s constantly getting little digs at me and quite frankly he doesn’t show me any respect.
My natural technique to dealing with this has always been to just ignore them or spend as little time with them as possible.
I don’t do confrontation.
I’m like Kurt Cobain in that way.

Who do you think you are?

I’d been mulling over my egotistical ultimatum and I started to suspect an “over-reaction”.
I hadn’t given Nina much chance to say anything so before going out I called her. She was quite upset over the phone.
It was the anniversary of her mums death and her flat mates had bailed on her to go out. I immediately cancelled my plans for the night and went over to hers.
We talked and talked for ages and by the end I felt like a bit of a fool.
I kept finding out bits of information that made me feel sooooooo guilty for how I’d just run off. I’d let my mind run so far with this thing.
That Dennis bloke was someone she’d known for years, he’d known her mum.
“We just got wrapped up in talking about the past.”
I felt a bit sick. I was acting like Ben.
I had become Ben.
Needy and wanting to stick my nose into everything.
I think if anyone had shifted character it was me.
The bottom line is….I had a freak out. It’s over with now and luckily I still have a girlfriend.
The only good thing about my freak out was this.
I cared enough about her to freak out. It would hurt too much for her to just stop liking me and that freaked me out.
I only ever had one relationship before Nina. We had no emotional connection at all.
Whereas me and Nina just seem to fit. We’d been through a lot before we even got together but it was totally worth it because now we have all this good stuff.
So for Gods sake don’t blow it by doing something stupid Alex.

Lately

I’ve been playing football manager all day.
Can’t win a fucking match.
That shit is infuriating.
Nina came over today. Acting asif all was OK. She actually had the cheek to be sarcastic with me.
Ugh.
I was talking to this new girl at work a couple days back. Rachel she’s called.
I’m tempted to ask her out.
I just don’t feel any kind of bond with Nina right at this minute. So early into our relationship and I’m already looking to the horizon.
We talked about a few things. Nina said she was “concerned” about my lack of friends and “disturbed” by my lack of a career.
As soon as she said those things….I just wasn’t interested anymore.
I don’t feel like we are a team. I feel like I’m England and she’s Argentina. A quote comes to mind:
“This is supposed to be love, not war.”
She said that she doesn’t want to spend time over at my house. She says I have to learn how to drive fast so I can be over at her place. She says that I’m being lazy looking into a holiday next year.
It was not supposed to be like this after a couple of weeks. That night seems to have ruined everything.
I don’t know who this girl is, but I want my Nina back.
The girl who could laugh and act silly or goofy. The girl who would want me to cuddle her all night. The girl who supported me. The girl who believed in us.
I think because we’d nearly been together for a few months it feels like our relationship has been a lot longer than it actually has been.
Maybe this Dennis guy is introduced to all her boyfriends and he determines if they are suitable or not. Why he would have so much power I don’t know.
In the end I simply told Nina that I am who I am and she needs to make a few decisions over this weekend. I told her that I’m off into town with some of MY buddies tomorrow and she is free to join us.
If she doesn’t come out tomorrow…the relationship is over.
And I’m asking Rachel out.

Bang Bang

Me and Nina have had our first fall-out.
I’m not sure if it is later or sooner than I thought it would be.
We all decided to go to Manchester. Nina and her roommates…and me.
One of her roommates - Martin - is a top lad. Anyways, everything is going great, me and Nina are ver touchy feeley etc, as you would expect a new couple to be.
The problem started about half way through the night.
Nina told her friends we were meeting “Dennis.”
Martin rolled his eyes.
“Hey Martin, who is this Dennis bloke?” I asked.
“Some big shot up here.” He replied.
Ok fair enough. Anyways we catch up to this bloke Dennis and right from the start this guy was a dick. He didn’t look me in the eye once and did not introduce himself. I made a point of going over to him. I said hello, my name is Alex, you’re a friend of Nina’s right?
He just nods and heads straight over to the bar.
I went back over to Martin. He knew the score.
“He’s such a twat.” Martin declared.
“I guess so.”
We moved onto a couple of other bars and I realised that it must have been about 30 minutes since I last spoke to Nina. That’s fair enough, she’s catching up with an old friend etc…that is fine. But I would be clock watching from then on.
We moved from bar to bar and she didn’t walk with me anywhere. I pointed it out to Martin.
“Ya know, I haven’t spoke to Nina in about an hour and a half now?”
Martin nodded, as he was hands in hands with his chick. It got past 12:30 now and this shit was getting ridiculous. I love interacting with different people on a night out, it’s the whole point, but I also want to spend sometime with my girlfriend.
When we arrived at the next club I decided I would invite Nina to have a dance. I saw her and Dennis sat down talking…like they had been for the last 2 hours. I went over to her asked if she wanted a dance.
Dennis then sniggered, Nina shook her head and continued talking to him. I wasn’t going to make a big deal of it, I just walked away fuming.
“I’m ready to leave when you are guys.” I declared to Martin and his bird. The night had descended into just following wherever Nina and Dennis wanted to go.
Martin’s girlfriend was disappointed in Nina, she thought she would have at least talk to her once that night.
The three of us decided to head back to the train station. Eventually a train came, and when we got on Nina decided to give me a ring. I was really pissed at this point. I had a few beers in me so I wasn’t going to hold back. She rang up, completely oblivious to what had happened.
I asked why she just spent the entire night talking to Dennis and she said…well one of us has got to have some friends.
“Fuck off!!!!” I shouted, and hung up the phone.
That was a low blow she took.
She knew that would hurt me. She knows the friends I’ve lost in the last 4 years.
What the hell was Nina doing? Why was she acting like this?
She hasn’t even bothered to contact me today. She might have even spent the night with that fucker Dennis.

You say yes

I met up with Sally today. It was the first time I had seen her since I started my new job. By the way, the new job seems OK. Your left to your own devices more, which suits me perfectly.
Me and Sally hung out for a bit. It was cool.
I don’t think I’ll see too much of her nowadays because were both occupied at different times. It’s a weird coincidence of schedule but I work when she has a day off and she works when I have a day off.
Ah well.
But today we were able to meet up.
She’s a very interesting character and always has something to say. We get on really well because neither of us expect anymore from what we have got. When I had a crush on her, I could barely speak to her.
But now we can talk about just anything.
When I started working, nearly 3 years ago, Sally was exactly the kind of friend I wanted to meet.
I’ll will make an effort to stay in contact.
If it hadn’t been for my relationship with Nina I would have felt really bad about getting the sack.
Because of all the people I would have missed. I miss them now, but at least I have someone to go home to…so it doesn’t effect me in the same way.

Sensible

Got hammered at a family wedding again.
Was dancing to the bee gee’s on a table and I nearly set on fire(!)
But anyways…
I was excited about seeing Tina again. This was her big day and she was 6 months pregnant aswell. We didn’t really talk though. There didn’t seem to be the same connection between us anymore.
I though that she was one of those people I could be around and suddenly I was inspired. My brain would always chuck up funny little comments.
Some people do that for me. I just come alive in their presence. She has lots of male friends and I can see their reason for being friends with her.
She just makes you feel that bit happier.
I tell you what I’ve noticed since going into this relationship with Nina. I seem to be getting more attention from the opposite sex.
I was in the backseat of the car on the way up and we were on the motorway. A car is driving parallel to us and there is this lass in the back. She was playing with her hair and kept smiling at me. Hmmm, this kind of thing didn’t happen when I was single.
Then there was the gorgeous bridesmaid.
I had quite a few drinks and I was cracking lame jokes and performing my moonwalks and robot dancing…and she was lapping it up!
A few months ago in a club, a couple of lasses gave me a dirty look and walked away from when I did that.
But this bridesmaid was getting very close to me. At first she just started to put her hand on my shoulder and then she was actually turning my head so I would look into her eyes.
I just smiled and went and got myself another drink.
Was I tempted to cheat? Absolutely not, but when I got home and saw Nina…let’s just say we didn’t leave the bedroom for the entire afternoon.
And by that I mean we had sex for 5 minutes and then I fell asleep for 5 hours! No, erm, just kidding.

Knock knock

I’m playing football again after a long, long absence. My touch will need a few weeks to return to what it was.
We played a full 11 a-side.
After 70 minutes every single player was dead. None of us could move.
Unfortunately for us, the girlfriends and wives turned up. (Yey, I’ve finally got a girlfriend to turn up now…yey)
We all looked at each other with complete doom. It was hilarious because you just saw a sudden lift in everyone…they did not want to look bad in front of the other half. Players were suddenly charging down the wings but it was so clear everyone was shattered. Tony was almost having a heart attack. At one point he said to me “I’m gonna need to be on a fucking drip after this!”
The worst moment was near the end where I was the last defender and a player had just ran past me, I was so tired so I just threw my whole body at him.
It was the worst tackle I think any of us had ever seen.
I got sent off.
I didn’t complain…I was outta there!
I was covered in mud and I saw Nina beaming on the touchline, she was going to rub it in that I’d been sent off…
I walked over to her, got a load of mud on my finger and flung it at her. She gave off a high pitched scream and swung her hand bag at me.
So what’s this first week with Nina been like?
The dramatic change in lifestyle has been quite a shock. Already things have changed.
For the better. I’ve not been at home as much which has been great, mainly from the viewpoint that I feel asif I’ve actually got a life now.
We off to a bonfire party tomorrow…should be fun. Sparklers and all.
Something disturbing has been building up this week however. My old neighbourhood friend, Derek, has been texting me. He moved down south but he got my number recently.
He started texting me and at first the messages were just polite hello’s, but they now seem to have been replaced by aggression and confrontation.
I was a dick to him for years. I’m worried it’s going to come back round to get me. I’ve let him know that I’m different now and if he comes up we should get a drink together. I just hope he accepts this.
I’ve had thoughts pop in my head about whether me and Nina will last after she finishes Uni but what’s the point in wasting time thinking about that?