Avenue

Today has been the most solid of the week.
There is still a lot of emotion running through my mind, but with a more realistic expectation.

Ladder to life

I had a couple of weird dreams last night. They both involved me with two girls at work…Sally and Nina.
It was weird, it felt like my brain was trying to distract me from my current thinking.

S.O.S

Ya know I wish mum & dad understood my point of view a bit more.
Last night I talked about how an urge to leave the city had grown inside of me. All I got was:
“Change your job”
IT’S NOT ABOUT MY FUCKING JOB
Stop saying that for fuck sake. My mum would hate for me to leave, the problem is, that is only for her benefit….not for mine.
Does she think I’m always going to stay in this house with them?
I also suggested that we could get in touch with the rest of the family more often. This was greeted by “Ah well I don’t know about that”. I’m getting fed up of that attitude. My mum and dad came from massive families, so they don’t understand where I am coming from. I’m sick of it always being so quiet in this house and I’m sick of the rigid routines. Quite frankly, I’m sick of living here. Don’t get me wrong, I get on with ma and pa very well….but has the time come where I need another scenario to work with?
I’m also sick of my mums attitude towards Tina. She seems to have this massive resentment for her without any valid reason.
She just doesn’t understand what I need right no and she isn’t helping. She says that to move away you need a good job….does that mean no-one ever risks a move unless they have the security of a “good job”.
The likelihood of me getting away is practically non anyway. I don’t know anyone here to move away with. Even my massive desire and hope that Tina would invite me to stay at hers is nothing more than a fantasy, but at this point the most realistic way of me getting out.
“But why don’t you move somewhere on you own”
Because that is not what it is supposed to be about, I’m always alone here. I want to move where people exist all the time. I want to move where I can spend all Friday night talking to someone in the living room. I want to come down stairs on a Sunday morning and have someone to talk to other than mum and dad.
I felt similar to this after I went on a holiday to Scotland with family. My mum and dad wouldn’t go because apparently they hate the company of people. So I went alone. I was about 14 and it was a magnificent holiday, probably my favourite ever. It was good to be around people who wanted to be socially active.
One of the reasons I’m socially stunted is because of my mum and dads attitude. They never went out when I was young.
I’m praying every night that Tina and Tom get in contact with me and sort something out. ‘Cos I don’t know how much longer I can put up with current surroundings.
I walked up to the newsagents to get a paper for my mum and I looked around the deprived streets and houses and thought “I am missing out on so much”.
I’ve wanted and wished for so many things to happen in the last year. For Sally to be interested in me, for Sonya and I to be close and all these other things. But never have a I needed something like I have now. I am on my knees begging.

The long goodbye

Why is it snowing? Hmmm don’t get it.
Glad I had the rest of this week off. My mind has been alllllll over the place.
I need to ask anyone who actually reads this blog a question.
In the summer I may get the chance to meet up with Tina and Tom. They both live in Newcastle and after asking numerous people what they thought of the area, it seems to be right up my street (no class system etc)
Quite a number of factors would attract me into moving up there. My uncle lives there who I get on with and shares my interest in writing. Tina and Tom live there who are two people I really like. There also seems to be genuine community feel about the place.
If I meet up with Tina and Tom in the summer should I hint to them that I would like to stay at their place and finish college up there?
So what do you think?
There are a few ways the may react to this:
1. Laugh it off
2. Seem enthusiastic
3. Tell me no way!
4. Consider it?

Run

I see no changes. Wake up in the morning and I ask myself, "Is life worth living? Should I blast myself?"

Don’t worry this is not a suicide entry…I just love that song.
Tupac - Changes

I woke up in a foul mood today, I’m not quite sure why. Tina’s parents came over this afternoon to show us the wedding photos. Phil put them on a CD for me so I’ve been having a flick through.
There is not one of my mum or dad on, so my mum is quite upset about it.
Phil is going on holiday with Tina and Tony to Amsterdam in 3 weeks time. To say I’m envious is an understatement.
Bet I don’t see them until their wedding in November now.
Thank God Tina is family though….otherwise I really wouldn’t see her ever again. Tina represents a spirit that I like.
She reminds me of Helen at work. But just a few hours in Tina’s company and I want it to be a permanent fixture.
I’m off to college in a couple of hours. I really do not want to go.

That's just the way it is. Things'll never be the same. That's just the way it is. aww yeah...

Foggy

I remember reading Gazza’s book. When he got a yellow card against Germany it meant he would not be able to play in the final. While this was no doubt upsetting to Gazza, it wasn’t just this fact that got to him. The lifestyle he and his team-mates had enjoyed was coming to a crashing end. He would soon be back in England facing all the old problems.
I can really understand his emotion there. A few times in my life something has come along that I have really enjoyed. A change in lifestyle occurs briefly but I fall in love with it.
Like I did those 3 days. Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Part of me is free and the other part is trapped. At least it is not 6 years ago when I knew I wouldn’t be going anywhere soon but….
Ya know what I’m praying for? An invite from Tina to go somewhere…soon
I feel at a bit of a loss now.
I’ve kind of discovered the potential enjoyment of life. I know the people I get on well with, the people I want in my life.
If the weekend would have been crap…what kind of mood would I have been in now? It would have been pretty bad because there wasn’t much out there. All that existed was this city, my workplace, the same negative people.
I don’t want to end this entry negatively though. I tell you, my spirit and faith has been re-ignited completely, it just depends what’s going to happen next.

Changes

If you had of asked me before Christmas if I wanted to leave work, I would have laughed in your face. After all, at that time it was enjoyable.
But all I can say is, thank god for the last month and a half. It has opened my eyes to the need of change.
Ya know what I might even consider? After this English course is finished in June, I might do the second year in Newcastle.
Why Newcastle? Tina and Tom…it is as simple as that. They left me with such a good impression of them that if they would have me, I would roomie with them for a couple of years up there. It would be a fantastic change going up there.
Problem is I am not scheduled to see those two again until November for their wedding. Maybe there will be a summer get together.
So I will stick work out until college finishes. I will have fond memories of working there but it is not the same place as when I joined.

I’ll be missing you

Where do I start?
The weekend.
I think this weekend summed up my own paradoxes in a neat little package.
The drive down to the wedding was the best long distance drive I have ever experienced. I was asleep for 95% of it. I was feeling anxious about the whole thing, the typical social worries that conjure up inside of me built up again. I found myself asking “who am I going to talk to?” and “What the hell do I do with myself”. We stopped at a service station and met up with a couple of my uncles. We had something to eat and set off again. I flipped the radio on and plugged my headphones in. I couldn’t pick anything up at all and I was getting very angry that I would hear a couple of notes of a great song only for it to interrupted by “SHHSHHSHSHSHSHSHHSHSHSHSHSHHSH”, as the radio loses signal.
We were staying for 2 nights on a private estate (all paid for) with a swimming pool, tennis court and games room. The family arrived and everyone decided to have a couple of games of table tennis. I beat everyone….I am officially the greatest table tennis player ever! The mood at this point was one of uncertainty. My cousin who was getting married, was hooking up with someone of a wealthy background. He’s in the army as well, so there would definitely be a few drunk souls floating about. We went to a pub and everyone got settled in. My cousin Tina dropped by. Until last year I had not seen Tina for 10 years. She came up last August for her brothers engagement party and we got reacquainted. We got on and I saw her again in September for my grans funeral. Tina is on my top 5 people list. I don’t know how she judges our relationship, but I’m so glad I got to know her again. We spent Friday night drinking and having a laugh. Her fiancé is a top bloke as well. They said I could go along to his stag doo if I wanted, I said “Just tell me where and when”
My mum doesn’t think much of Tina, I’m not sure why, my mum is a good judger of people however. But I fail to see why there would be any dislike for Tina. The booze awoken my alter ego….happy, confident, smiley man! I am so timid and shy etc, but when the beers have been consumed I come alive. Thank god for beer, otherwise people like me would never have a good night out.
The next morning I got out of bed early. Me and dad played tennis for a couple of hours and then it hit me. I felt like shit. One minute I was running to hit the ball, then suddenly, I was breathless and about to pass out. I told my dad we would miss breakfast if we didn’t go inside that instant - truth is, I didn’t feel hungry at all and my stomach felt like it contained the items of a garbage bin. I sat down at the table and waited for my English breakfast. It was the full works and looked very nice…..I got through the beans and sausages before excusing myself. What really helped me was a cuppa tea, in that moment it was the best drink I ever had. My stomach was still raging and I suddenly got the urge to go to the toilet. I Must have been in the bathroom at least 15 minutes. I took a humongous dump and felt a lot better. Although I had visions of the scene in dumb and dumber where the toilet won’t flush. My god that would have been terrible…..but funny.
It was wedding time. I watched as the ceremony proceeded, with the church packed full, and wondered if I would ever command this kind of attention. I thought about that, and I thought about the loss of my Gran. The bride starred into the grooms eyes, it was an intense look, there was happiness but also obsession. Her eyes were gleaming with a sense of victory “I never have to worry about being alone…”
The reception was terrible. I was sat away from the family and was plotted with some soldier people. Myself, Tina, her fiancé and Phil were sat there, but they all knew them already. I felt left out. Me and Tina talked briefly but barely anything compared to the night before. I started to worry that maybe the drink hid the fact that we were not close. How can we be close, we have only seen each other 3 times? But again, as with some people at work, I just have a special feeling about them. The reception finally ended after horrible food. The speeches began which were all entertaining and funny, the best mans speech was very fitting.
The after party began and I was in low spirits, I trolled over to where all the family was sat and talked to dad for a few minutes. It was time to go to that dreaded place….the dance floor. I stood at the doorway, there was no way I was going to enjoy myself in my current state. I had a choice….do I sit down and “think” all night or do I grab some beer and have a good time.
When I read it like that, there should be no option right? But I just didn’t feel that good, feelings of isolation and loneliness crept there way back in. Ah fuck it, I ran to the free-bar and rank until I felt good again.
…and there I was, dancing to baggy trousers.
Me and Tina went crazy and fell over…I think my knee-cap is shattered.
It was great though…it was really great. The highest compliment I can pay to this whole weekend is that I wish every weekend was like this.
I didn’t get chance to say bye to Tina. I’m really gonna miss not having her around.

Getting wed

I’m getting married!!!! Me!!!! Can you believe it???????!!!!!!!
Well no, I’m not getting married but I’m going to one tomorrow

Graveyard shift

After college is finished I’ll have to have a good long think about quitting my job. This week has been horrendous, I cannot think of a worse week since starting there. Before, when something crappy happened, I either A) Blew it out of proportion or B) Got over it because the people or situation redeemed itself.
This week has been different though….evil you might say. There were signs before I went away to training that it may be like this. Take today for example, Dave was a prick again. The only people who were cool with me, were the people I trained with. The rest of them have turned into something I don’t know.
Somewhere along the line, in a short space of time things have changed….everyone’s perception and interaction regarding me has been one of no respect or human decency. Not even football saved me on Tuesday.
The worst time I had at work up ‘till this point was last January. That all smoothed over though, Sam was always there and he was always on my side.
There’s no heart anymore. New faces, all of them aresholes. The team unit has been destroyed. I actually have that feeling in the bottom of my stomach that I really don’t want to go to work tomorrow morning…I’ve never had this feeling about working there before.
I almost blew the slightest hint of any misdoing at work as almost a character test of the people that work there. I would always say something like “And Sally completely ignored me and I am worried that we will drift completely apart”
The next day I would have an e-mail waiting for me.
That’s it about Sally, I had such a crush on her and I wanted more all the time. I’ve seen her the last couple of days and she hasn’t e-mailed me once or said hello. I’d focus all my worries into just that, except for the fact that a lot of the people have changed their attitudes towards me.
I’m starting to think that a rumour has been spread about me.

Part of me wants to walk away, but a larger part of me says “Wait a minute…I refuse to end things like this!”
I don’t want to walk away with another “bad memory”. I want to eventually walk away feeling that I enjoyed it there.
If we rewind over the last few months, any shit I was feeling at the time…depression, angst or worry. On our team at 8:00 at night we would have a laugh…..always. That’s why I kept working until that time because it was always a laugh and was enjoyable.
I don’t know what the hell work is now, it certainly isn’t the place I know. I didn’t fit in at my second school and I didn’t fit in at college. I had friends though, maybe not true friends, but people I could really get on well with and would help getting through the day. Work had been different, I could actually go to sleep at night without shitting the next day…that was great…but now its gone.
Tomorrow is my last day before a 2 week holiday. C’mon, lets have a good day.

The A.L awards

Fave songs of the last year

1. You don’t know my name (Alicia Keys) - Special song
2. Crazy (Willie Nelson) - Title says it all
3. Heaven can wait (Michael Jackson) - or in my case “I can’t wait for heaven”
4. Forget about Dre (Dre Dre feat. Eminem) - How did I miss this?
5. Blow my buzz (D12) - a helping of fun
6. Breath (Prodigy) - Coool
7. Dumb (Nirvana) - Beautiful
8. You could be mine (Guns n’roses) - I just like it
9. Creep (Creep) - I’m a creeeeeeeeeep, I’m a weirdoooooo
Fave music video of the last year
1. Toxic (Britney Spears) - I would spend an eternity between her legs, errr, I mean it’s a good song
Fave book of the last year
1. Dude where’s my country (Michael Moore) - HMmmmmMMMMmmmmmmmmm
Fave “finds” of the last year
1. Bill Hicks (Bill Hicks) - Awesome
2. Sam Kinison - great early stuff

These I.D cards the government are trying introduce. Some criminal genius will figure out a massive scan with the biometrics crap. We are all gonna be robbed…you heard it here first

School-boy

I’ve always contained anarchist thoughts. Ideas of rebellion. None of which have ever surfaced. Like at college last night, there was a brooding, darker version of myself that had lots to say…but just nowhere to voice it. It doesn’t just have to be anarchist thoughts though, just whatever I’m thinking at that moment.
There’s this guy at college who always has to comment…no-one is even talking to him but he still throws something out there. He doesn’t always hit the mark, but there’s a part of me that thinks “nice one mate”. Most of the people I admire in the art world live outside of the box. Kurt Cobain, Bill Hicks, Michael Jackson. People who are confident and able to be themselves in whatever situation falls their way.
I’ve had to make a conscious effort to present myself . I remember when I got into my teens I just turned into this suck up, won’t say a bad word, would sell his own soul lame person. I am still all those things to a high degree, but I’m slowly trying to change that. I remember last week with Liam, I knew what was about to spew out of my mouth was nothing more than vile, disgusting bullshit. I had to stop and ask myself “Hey Alex…what’s your view again?”
Liam had a crap trainer helping him, he declared “If it had been a weaker willed person, they would have gone to pot with her”. When reading that, it would seem an arrogant thing to say, but in the context of what he was actually saying it made sense.
I would have gone to pot with her. My blatant fear of conflict or confrontation is pathetic. I may be turning 20 soon…but I am still a boy, no-where near being a man.

You've got a husband who loves you

Tomorrow is the test of Jill. Passed her on the steps today at work and she couldn’t have been more unenthusiastic to say hello than if she had shot me in the groin. We’re both booked out for a meeting tomorrow though. Me, her and this other woman (who will dislike me at a future date) I bet Jill changes it, I bet she applies to go to at a different time.
Got an extension with my college work, if she said no I would have torn her fucking head off. Its been a shitty few days with people.
This is all I can write

I need somebody

They keep sayin' shit

Even my trainer commented on it.
My trainer was helping me with the new skill set. Everyone I knew who passed….colleagues, mangers, other trainers. They all had sniping comments about me being either dumb, riff-raff or lazy.
They were meant to be light hearted ribs but even my trainer had to say “How the hell did you get this reputation”
“I have no idea” I replied.

One step forward and two steps back
Nobody gets too far like that
One step forward and two steps back
This kind of dance can never last
One step forward and two step back
Nobody gets too far like that
One step forward and two steps back
This kind of dance can never last

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I’m not having sex there by the way, just typing up my disgruntlement with people.

Rock against drugs

This college work is playing on my mind, we have to hand in our final coursework on Tuesday. The teacher got questioned on why the deadline was so early….there was no valid explanation just a lot of “ums” and “ers” and other technical bollocks.
Am I happy with what I have done? To a certain extent.
I was actually satisfied with the texts when I first completed them so not much editing occurred.

1966

I’ll write about my day in a minute but first I must give a match report on a game of ISS I had tonight.
Louis Vs Alex
Classic Netherlands (Louis) Vs Classic England (me)
Louis had beaten me 3 times tonight. I was running out of teams who could match up to his team full of stars such as Cruyff and Guilit. I then stumbled across Classic England…
Linekar, Moore, Banks, Hoddle and Keegan.
The match kicked off and Holland began well. Banks made several gravity defying saves in an explosive opening. Louis was confident and soon went ahead 1-0. They were all over us, we couldn’t get out of our own half. As the match progressed however, we started to slowly build momentum. Hoddle was excellent in midfield and Gazza was making runs through the centre. We managed to equalise before half time. Waddle beat the Holland full back and crossed for Linekar who volleyed the ball home…1-1. I was flying at this point and created numerous chances. The second half kicked off and we charged forward, Robson slammed the ball home from 25 yards out..1-2. The majority of the half was a tight battle, lots of sliding tackles and shoulder barges. It looked like we would hang on to the lead until disaster in the 85 minute. Van Basten dribbled round 3 of our defenders and slotted the ball home…2-2. Louis could smell victory.
Extra time proceeded and Holland scored again…3-2. I was deflated at this point and for the rest of the 1st half of extra time we took a beating. I made a change and brought Bobby Charlton on. His presence made an immediate impact as Keegan went close after a fine through ball form Charlton. Time was running out. The 30 minutes of extra time were up and we had the ball. Waddle charged down the wing and forced his way inside, he lost the ball but managed to regain possession. He took a wild shot and the keeper thumped it away for a corner. Last chance saloon. Hoddle whipped the corner in and Holland’s keeper palmed the ball away…it was time for a bit of Gazza magic. The ball dropped to him on the edge of the box, a defender steamed out at him, Gazza turned him, the keeper charged out and usually on ISS the keepers make 100% successful tackles or takes for the ball…not this time, he held off the keeper, Louis was frantic, Gazza hit a shot and it deflected of a defender, a couple of minutes of ping pong began. My face was red with stress, Louis was button bashing till his fingers fell off…and then up stepped captain marvel…Robson. He scuffed a shot which some how pee rolled into the back of the net…3-3
Penalties. England lost 5-4 in the shootout. Typical England. Unbelievably exciting.
Today was weird. Another weird day with the women in my life. Everytime I feel I get close to any of them, there attitude seems to change and those who I’ve drifted apart from, we are suddenly close again. It frustrates me to no end because I can’t build up any relationships with these people. At least with blokes you get consistency, be it positive or negative.
I’m going to write in more depth tomorrow about this.

Float down stream

Mark has moved teams. F’sake. Our team is slowly being dismantled. I don’t understand the managers course of action, I’m not necessarily talking about the Mark topic here, but they have implemented rules about not eating food at the desks and countless other petty restrictions. The company was voted one of the best to work for in a national poll, but they seem intent on destroying this.
College was hard last night, my memory was blank when it came time to remembering anything we had done over the last few months.
I am a Leeds fan, therefore I have a naturally dislike of Man Utd. But I don’t hate them….why?…the media.
Man U won last nights clash of the wankers 4-2. I pick up the biased London papers today and all I read is everything but a match report. They talk about incidents in the tunnel, incidents with Rooney, incidents with Keane, incidents with the managers, incidents with the referee, incidents…incidents…incidents…I’ve got an incident for you….THE FUCKING MATCH
You see the northern team….Man Utd, beat the pride and joy of London…Arsenal, and the biased London press hate this fact, so they have to try and divert our attention away from this. So I do get satisfaction form seeing Man Utd beat all these narrow minded journalists favourite son.
I’m not sure why they take so much pride in Arsenal, after all they are a French team.
Haha, that really winds those gooners up.
What is sad though is the fact the media have stirred up this dislike inside of me…I have seen Arsenal play breathtaking football and quite simply had my gob wide open in appreciation. I wanted them to win everything at the start of the season…as justification for the type of football they try to play, but the medias biased and unfair favouritism has soured all the goodwill I had for them.
On the subject of media bollocks….Michael Jackson
The jury process has started…what the fuck they have been doing for the last year I don’t know. A lot of headlines I have seen is “Jackson could face 28 years in jail” ….hmmm, why don’t you try this one for a change “Jackson could be proved innocent”
One of my colleagues said “He’s definitely guilty”, oh yea? And how do you know this? “Well he’s weird and no-one at his age should sleep with little kids” ….ugh, not that boring argument again.

Training Journal

Day 1
…in the big brother house
Jus kiddin. So the first day of training was decent. The people on the course are non-threatening which
is nice, that may change but who knows. Think cautiously optimistic.
I’ve been fretting over the fact that maybe when I go back on my team, me and Sonya won’t
connect. I can’t tell you how worried I feel about that right now. It would hurt me if we don’t.

Day 2
I don’t know why this world keeps turning, round and round, but I wish it would stop and let me off right now. 2nd day of training was fine, the actually work etc was as interesting as it could possibly be, given that it’s call centre work.
However, all hopes dashed…all fears realised. I lost two people today just simply because they didn’t respond to my notes.
Jill and I got on really well, it was building up to a Helen like friendship…then it changed. Now she can barely talk to me and not responding to my e-mail said more than words ever could…I wasn’t even worth the reply.
The same with Sonya…the girl I was relying on, but that was bullshite. She has now burned me 3 times and it won’t happen again…that is now over…thanks Sonya, like a fucking dagger in my back.
As I left work I saw Dave with the extroverts, I was about to go visit my team but realised that it wasn’t worth it….no doubt Dave would have said something derogatory…the arrogant fucking twat.
I’ve discovered Bill Hicks. The angry American comic who understood the culture of America. I suggest you download his stuff…it is funny and true.
I’m left with an empty feeling, I have no-one to look forward to seeing anymore. Except Helen…a true saint. She stands out among all the arseholes with a halo circling above.
One day, when studies are over. I’ll go far away for a while. I can picture myself in some south American country, breathtaking scenery and near third world poverty. I’ll have no transport or bed at night but it doesn’t matter. I hitch rides on the back of trucks carrying fruit and vegetables. I’ve lost a stone but I’m ALIVE!
I long for companionship. I’ve presented myself to people but I have been shunned. But I’m bored with that argument, reason why I pick myself up is because I’m sick of it. I’m annoyed and tired of the predictable way in which people shun me. Who am I supposed to have? Why am I off limits?
I just don’t understand the point of loneliness, that feeling in the pit of your stomach that screams out “You are alone…maybe forever????” I wish I was numb to all the pain of loneliness, then I would be OK.
I fail to see the point of waking my arse up in the morning, trudging down to work…only to ultimately end up in front of this PC again 10 hours later.
…. And why should I get excited about the weekend.
“Ooooo the weekend is coming”
Big fucking deal, it’s great if you’ve got someone to spend it with…but for me all I look forward to is the lay in.
I start questioning everything at this stage. Not myself though, I’ll give myself a break as I’ve shit on myself far too much…time to get an ego for once.
But I start questioning. God for example, would it be so hard to have created some people for me, and thus me for them. No it’s more entertaining to watch me in a puddle of solitude. God was bored with people falling in love and living happily ever after, he wants some gossip. Maybe earth is just a reality show for Gods entertainment.
“Ok what I’m gonna do next is, you’ll laugh when you hear this…start a war on Iraq! It’s so mismatched! Oh I’m gonna enjoy watching that thing unfold”
So what does God say when he sees my life?
“Well we can’t all be popular with friends, girlfriends and a great life. You offer balance so that those who are fortunate can be grateful for all I have bestowed upon them”
Its probably not God’s fault, if there even is such thing.
All I wanted was to be close with Sonya, some kind of encouragement. I didn’t ask for love in a romance fashion, I just wanted there to be a loving friendship. I read an interesting blog last night, it lambasted friendships and romances. The writer couldn’t trust people to let in them into her/his life.
I can’t be bothered to write anymore…I feel like shit, but at least training is OK. I guess that’s all my life is worth. Not to be too melodramatic or anything

Day 3
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH.
Dumb ass, I failed the test. The easiest fucking test ever. What the fuck is that? ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Only me and this old lady got below the required result. THANKS A LOT BRAIN!.
I wont see Sonya, Jill or Mark for a couple of weeks now…and I FUCKED IT ALL UP WITH THEM!
How is that possible, what the hell. I wasn’t doubting myself until I FAILED THE EASIETS TEST EVER!!!!! THANKS A LOT ASS HOLES!!!!!!!
Could today have gone any worse with people? Yea it could have actually….IF I’D HAVE FUCKING KILLED THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!
My reason for capitals is because I have been listening to Sam Kinison.
I hate my life at this point. I have no-one.
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It’s a couple of hours later. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I’m going on an irrational rant.
I hope all the happy people with real nice life’s and real nice social lives and real nice girlfriends appreciate what they have, and if you feel like sharing the secret of how you got someone to like you then let me know! I’m staring at a fucking blank wall on a Friday night, oh if only everyone was in a ditch like me…at least things would be fair. I want to thank all the arse-hole commercial people who hype everyone up so no-one can be real anymore. I want to thank all the arse-holes who felt like giving the lesser beings a good verbal tongue lashing now and then, problem is, it won’t make your penis bigger! I want to thank all the arse-holes who are born with fantastic looks, they have ridiculously less stressful lives! I want to thank all the arse-hole rich people who aren’t stuck in one place for eternity!

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Nearly time for bed. I don’t mind be an underachiever as long as I’m happy. But I’m not.

Weekend break
I freaked out. New week tomorrow. Relax.
I barely knew Sonya and I already put so much into what I thought needed to happen. When I think back to my interaction with her now it was…crazy.
The neediness and desperateness pierced through my being and all spewed out at my mouth.
Have I fucked up any potential relationship with her? I’m not sure. Have I fucked things up with Mark? He probably won’t want to help me with my new training that’s for damn sure. Roles reversed maybe I wouldn’t ?
3 crazy days of insecurity have really screwed a lot up. What made me act that way?
When I found out that I wouldn’t see these people for a couple of weeks, I hit the panic button basically.
I’ve had chance to reflect rationally and dusted myself down, so now I just need to push on with the rest of my training.

Day 4
Training was good today, except when I got embarrassed…you could literally see everyone’s respect for me shoot down. But fuck it.
I sent a note to Sonya and Mark. I sat there at dinnertime contemplating whether I should or not.
Would they scoff at my attempts to mend the bridges?
Did they even notice the way I had been acting?
Was it all in my head?
And the scary one…would they want to talk to me. Mark doesn’t check his e-mails so he won’t of seen the one I sent him. Sonya responded enthusiastically. I cut the crap out. There will be times when I feel like I did at weekend…I know there will, but the main things is that I keep going. That’s a quality I like in people, a dogged determination to put things right, a determination to change.
I could hand my notice in tomorrow and run away back on the dole and then wind up losing contact with everyone. I won’t let myself though, I’ve been on the other side….the coward running away. I quit college because I was cowardly, I cannot be too harsh on myself because I was only 17 but if I had stuck it out and not been so insecure with people…maybe it would have worked out. I do feel handicapped to most people, my quietness in real life is difficult to overcome.
I guess a great thing about life is that you can have a second chance with people, even if it is not the same people…there is always someone else out there, beyond current relationships.
Day 5
Training was good. I got to know Liam better, I had a lot of misconceptions about him before hand but up to now he has turned out to be a decent bloke. We will wait and see though. We did another test today so I hope I did better.
Day 6
Hmmmm.
Day 7
The end of training is near. Only tomorrow and then 2 days next week and it is done. Training has been great to be perfectly honest. I’ve been busier than I ever have and I’m scared to go back to my old routine. I don’t know what to do as regards changing that.
The six of us have been thrust together and we’ve all had to adjust to each other. But we have. My hope, more than anything , is that when we go back to our teams…me and Liam ,keep in touch. He is on my team so I see him most days, but before this training we just exchanged polite hello’s. This week we have bonded far more than ever before.
As for the actually learning itself? I’m doing OK, not too good, but I should be OK
Day 8
Don’t think for one second that I don’t know.
The weekends are getting harder and harder, during the week I’m fine, but it comes to the weekend and the loneliness creeps in. The minute I finished work I felt it. I see the way people respond to me, especially girls…they react to me and come to the conclusion that I am: quiet, weird and occasionally funny.
I’m not a serious threat…I’m never a serious threat, I’m just an innocent bystander watching everyone else getting it on.
Why is there no-one for me?
Another good day in training…if only I could actually understand what was being taught! I was better on the technical side of things rather than the theory.
Monday and Tuesday and then training is completed.


Weekend Break
I talked to Liam and Val yesterday about the possibilities of sport. If only we had realised at a younger age that if we practised hard enough we would have mastered a sport and may have been able to take it up professionally. A lot of the full time workers, like Liam, who are still young enough (he’s 27) still hold out for a dream job. There is always this burning desire to make life easier. Liam is working all day everyday in a job that won’t go anywhere and he is trying to make things happen elsewhere such as singing. I admire Liam so much and I hope he makes it in whatever avenue he chooses.
Weekend Break
- Insert motivation here -
Day 9
Worst day of training so far. The morning went fast but the day involved too much spiel about company policy. These company people, they were so involved and enthusiastic.
I failed another test….bah
I have a holiday in 2 weeks and im going to look at other options regarding outside interests.
I feel like I’m walking in the snow alone….mile after mile, my destination is a paradise, but while there is still snow all around, I’m way off. I do everything alone ya know. Travelling is the worst part. I was sat on the bus the other day, starring out of the window….I felt somehow stranded. I’ve been planning how I’ll cope alone…when I’m older. I’ve figured out a way in which I can go on living when I’m older and alone. I’ll get a dull office job and live in a flat as no career ambitions will be met because I simply have no motivation. I don’t want a big house, lots of money and a nice car if its all for me…what’s the point in that? I know me, and I will get no pleasure out of that at all.
I’ve been listening to the beatles a lot….some fantastic music, they never really tapped into me before. Now I can relate however.
Day 10
So how would I rate training…..8/10 - it was a good experience and hopefully I have forged one or two relationships with people.