Puddled

I’d write something but my life is so void of anything interesting I think I’ll reserve an entry until things “brighten”.

Remember the time

I was hanging round with Sally in town for a few hours this afternoon. It was OK, just a typical town visit.
As we’re walking up the street I see my old school mate James walking down with this other person, Fred, from my old school and this other lad.
James blanked me when I called out to him. Fred turned around and said hello but James just blanked me.
I can’t understand this attitude. I talked to Sally about it afterwards and she told me about how she’d lost contact with all her old friends.
I mean is that it then? All those times we went through in second school….forgotten? Considered obsolete and unimportant. Perhaps they are.
I decided to get pro-active and I dug up his old number. We hadn’t spoken in 3 years but damnit I didn’t want the last memory of James to be him walking away without acknowledging my existence. I got his mum on the phone and asked her to give me a mobile number. I then texted James and got a reply….twice. I then sent him a third message as I thought we had a kind of dialogue going here…but he has not responded and it has been 30 minutes.

The ground beneath

I’ve read numerous wep pages devoted to people feeling sad, depressed or lonely and the thing that disturbs me perhaps the most is that generally these people have a love of life that has unfortunately been trampled all over.
The story that upsets me the most is the person who gets picked on for no reason. The fuckers doing that have no idea they are crushing a spirit.
As I sit here now I have no idea how to integrate myself into society and now idea of how to feel connected.
What has happened recently has cast me aside even further. At one point I thought I was made and that things were going to pick up because I wouldn’t be alone anymore.
And now look.
I thought Nina was going to save me, I really did. I thought I’d wake up every morning intoxicated & motivated by her companionship. Instead, she’s with her boyfriend…who I met on a drunken night out AND who I got on very well with. Which makes it worse because now I feel guilty that we kissed and my heart knows that those two are going to stay together. I always wondered if it was just a drunken action by her and now I know it was.
So I see my heroine fly away with someone else and I’m left flapping and floundering on the ground.

Long song tommorow

So my exams are over. Everyone had finished and walked out at different times so I didn’t really get to say bye to any of them. I hadn’t really gotten to know anyone at college this year…due to the limited attendance of people and the fact that there’s no time to talk to anyone.
Thank fuck it’s over….at least for 3 months.
Maybe I won’t go back to college in September? I’m on the lookout for something else. It’s not that I don’t want to study English but I just hate college. Certain places have certain atmospheres and I can’t stand the atmosphere at college. I also hate my town centre.
Playing football tonight for the first time in months….I will be shit.

Where do you go from the bottom?

Today was a group meeting and for the second time running I took an absolute beating. People were jibing and all of that. I took it well and got some laughs. At first I was crumbling under the spotlight but ya know I just took it in good humour…what else could I do? All my embarrassing drunk exploits were revealed and they had a recording of me sounding like a donkey…and they played it at the team meeting!
Orite I get it…I’m a clown and it doesn’t look like I’ll ever be respected.
I wasn’t bothered by any of it (that much) because Jill took a beating as well and you have to say she’s one of the most well liked people there. Hint…hint.
The only thing that bothered me was Yvonne. Immediately after that meeting I knew something had changed. She was all of a sudden not talkative and now knew my “dark side”….what am I Darth Vader!!! What the fuck is that!
Drink is evil man.
I always wished I was seen as a fun figure rather than a figure of fun. I think I’m seen as both by these people.
Barely any of them know what I’m like underneath…the depression and rage. Maybe they are too stronger words but there’s a sadness that I carry around with me. A constant worry clings on to me.
I think the part of me that was inspired by MJ was the part of me that feels completely different to anyone else. I just feel like the real me will be rejected by everyone…every time I just relax and try to have a good time there is always someone ready to pounce and take the piss.

I'll go back

I’m just a boy really. Living in this dead city by myself. If only I could meet someone. That’s what I feel needs to happen.
I’m scared too…I’m scared of lots of things. Outside my front door it is a big wide world and I don’t know any of it. Everywhere is intimidating and people just don’t seem to care.
2 people at work are leaving and that scares the shit out of me. I worry about who will replace them. I worry that I’ll be left alone with the extroverts.
My my…where is life leading me?
A few weeks ago I would have told you that I was about to jump into a glorious summer of opportunity but now there’s nothing and I’m sad as hell about it.
When I was training this week I had to walk down a long corridor and it really stunk. I saw guys walking around with beards and glasses with uninspired wrote all across their faces. That building is hell. Herds are seen every day clocking in and clocking off. Sitting in the same damn dining area and eating the same damn meals.

Dreaming dreams (guess what song)

My two days of training are complete. I had no sleep last night and I have been utterly knackered all day. I think people around me confuse my quietness for dumbness. Tony, at college, has that look in his eye when we are talking about the work ahead and I can see a mocking smile radiate from his smug face. He always ribs me about having lower marks than his. It is fucking infuriating.
Sonya has handed in her resignation at work. Me and Sonya should be great friends. She is the type of girl who I would love to have in my life permanently. It’s not an attraction to her physically but I just like her personality and spirit. She’s such good friends with Liam and I just can’t compete….I know it’s not about competition but if she has a choice to sit next to me or Liam…she always picks Liam. That’s fine but after she leaves it means she probably won’t stay in touch with me.
And Mark leaves within the next couple of weeks.
Yup, once again, the tides are changing.

Eventually we all fall down

Its just a period of time. Why does it hold such significance?
The summer. Meh, it was so easy in years before….you broke up from school and knew you didn’t have to go back for 6 weeks….heaven. Now it’s a case of finished college…now what?
I don’t want to look back at the end of September with a blank mind. I don’t just want it to be continuous work.
Nothing is planned though. I can’t seem to muster enthusiasm to even consider what to do.
I really struggle these days to write anything for an entry. I can’t even write poetry anymore…..my creativity is dead.

Planet shift

I feel like the universe has shifted in the last couple of days.
It began last Monday. There was a change in attitude towards me and as the week progressed I started to feel isolated.
I went to a theme park today and it was the first time I’d been without my former best friend Ben.
It was one of those days where I missed our friendship. I was walking around with Liz and Sue and they were making all the decisions as to which rides to go on and I felt like a total third wheel. The rides were awesome but the company wasn’t.
I just felt out of it….
The coach ride there was even worse. Everyone’s chatting away and I’m sat staring out of the window because the person sat next to me was forced to sit next to me and all I kept thinking was “I would not have this problem if Ben was here”.
But every time I reminisce about our friendship I remember what a control freak he was at the same time.
Although it only really became a problem towards the end.
I feel like I’m somewhere new now and I don’t know if I prefer it or not when I compare it to a year ago where I had a certain level of comfort but not necessarily anything fulfilling.
I realise now that I wasn’t lonely last year. Last year I would mutter complaints of possible loneliness when in fact I enjoyed the routine I had. I didn’t want to go out. I couldn’t imagine anything interfering with what I had. Even if it wasn’t perfect at least I didn’t feel like this.
Is it as simple as loneliness? That feeling of having no connection with anyone?
I dunno. I was looking around half pissed in a club at 1:30 on Friday night and I’d lost the people I was hanging about with. I just sat down with a bud in my hand contemplating what life had to offer. I saw friends, family, partners…all hanging out, and I was just sat there…thinking.
I didn’t feel sad completely…it reminded me of the feeling of when Leeds lose….like hopes of a victory have been dashed….and in that moment I had to accept that I could feel lonely for a very long time…maybe forever.
Haha I’m doin ok…think that’s the problem though.

Take everything

A poor week ends with an ok night out.
I have been torn to shreds by people this week. My fashion sense has taken an absolute battering.
It upsets me that the potential of life is in danger of never been reached. As I have said over and over again….a career, the type of car you have, the house you live in can all be determined by YOU. That means that any ambition you have regarding material items can be reached.
But what about ambition with people? We don’t really have any control in this situation. I’m far from a control freak but a bit of stability would help.
I feel my connection with people has hit a dead end…like what I have now with people is all it will ever be.
If this post has come across negative then I apologise because it was not intended that way. I feel certain liberation now that I’m older that life is free and I can do pretty much what I want with it.
Blah.

Playing with one hand and a gun in the other

Lord give me strength. Sonya and Jill. What has been there problem with me this week? They have been very nasty to me and I don’t like it.
Fuckers.
I’d like to tap into Bill Hicks theory of “It’s just a ride”
"Hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..."
Just a ride uh? Up and down and round and round.

From the files of the police squad

Enthusiasm. Willingness. Interest.

Necessity breeds invention

I went with Louis to a club last night and I wasn’t particularly in the mood to do so…but I went. It was such a dingy place with smoke in the air, beer on the floor and music muffled by deteriorating speaker systems. I sat down in a chair that looked asif it had been around since world war 1and the table where I laid my beer glass would wobble as, quite expectedly, one leg was shorter than the other.
Great. Did I have a good time? Hmmm, it was neither bad nor good. I left at about 3AM thinking to myself “I wish I was out with my mates from work”.
Wait a minute….did I just think that? I started thinking about the last time I went out with people from work and remembered how much fun it was. I’ve known Louis since I was 4 but it didn’t matter.
It’s Sunday night and I don’t have that Sunday feeling. And then I realised that I hadn’t felt like that since I was 11.
I really enjoy where I work. There I said it. I may never say it again.
Sure the actual work is not very encouraging but the workers there are second to none.

Searching for an answer

I see a lot of people on auto pilot. They carry a blankness of expression that suggests there just strolling though life. Other people seem to dance to a different beat. Life is not to be squandered but they are damned if they know what to do about it.
People wait for something to drop into their lap…some kind of miracle that will enhance their existence.
So now the deadline of today has passed. It feels like one chapter has been closed and another is approaching.
It ends in a dark and empty fashion. I don’t feel upset or down but just hopeful next time it will be something real.

3 lions

I can’t begin to explain how much has changed this year. I’ve changed.
I’m more confident than I was earlier in the year and its been a turbulent few months. I feel on the verge of something wonderful…I’m not clear as to what it is yet, but I feel as though something is just round the corner.
The situations that we get put in can often seem at first asif life is out to get us but as time progresses we can see the real motive. When I started training in February me and Liam did not really talk. He didn’t laugh at anything I said and there was just no bond there. But after two weeks of being fulltime together in an environment where you could mix, we now get on pretty well.
Of course with life you never know when your about to walk into a trap door.
Last week was an awful week because I let something I couldn’t control get to me. It’s amazing how strong you can build a situation in your head to be.
The only thing I can compare it to is when Leeds reached the coca cola cup final in 1996. For about a month I was absolutely buzzing, it was all I thought about. Then came the big day and Leeds got beat 3-0. I was truly devastated and I cried.
I had put so much hope of happiness into that match that I just couldn’t handle it when Leeds lost. I didn’t even feel as hurt as that when Leeds got relegated.
Moving away from my point, football is exceptionally harsh for a fan. There are infinitely more downs than ups because there are only a limited number of trophy’s to be won.
And supporting England….well that deserves an entry all of it’s own.

Waiting for a pass

I read an interesting blog about motivation to write. Just 1-2 years ago up until last feb I would write scripts, poems, short stories….but now I don’t do any of that. I was always interested in situations of characters. There always had to be some kind of wacky or intriguing situation for me to write a story about. When I consider writing a story or script these days the situation is less explosive and is entirely character driven.
I attempted to write a love story a year or so ago but realised that when it came to dialogue I just couldn’t think of the words. After all I’ve never been in love so how could I relate?
My lack of writing activity and my lax attitude towards college is a direct result of years of personal neglect.
For years I never went out and had very little contact with people.
Now all I think about is my relationships with other people. Nothing else seems to matter. After this weekend however, I need to catch up with my English work as the exams are in 3 weeks. I need to revise fairly hard and give myself the chance of a good grade.
Why am I waiting ‘till after this weekend? Well there’s a certain reason. A situation I need clarification on….by Saturday I should have all the answers….and on Sunday I’ll crack on.
I have big hopes for this summer, I believe I will have an amazing experience and I’ll be 100% motivated for college again next year. All I need is for a couple of things to drop into place and I’ll be laughing.
I’m worried about exams now. Worrying I haven’t done enough work.

Blanket of ash

I tell you what didn’t help last week….spots
Hundreds of them started to pop up on my chin, neck & forehead…like they’d just transferred in from some acne ridden punk. The ones on my neck are foul. I’m sure they can be seen from outer space. There are far too many hurtful stages of the life of spots. First you notice this little red bump, then it grows and grows until you have to take action. Then it grows a delightful little yellow head, which by the way is utterly irritating, why yellow? Why not a peach colour???? Why make this harder!!!!!!
So after you pop and the pus pours you start to believe that maybe you have seen the worst of it. Until the day after when it seems to have mutated and invited some of it’s friends to join the party.
There’s always people with advice however.
“Pop it!”
“Don’t touch it!”
“Drink more water!”
“Wash 5 times a day!”
“Get more fresh air!”
“Eat fruit and vege!”
“Cheer up!”
“More exercise!”
Etc etc etc
I fear the real reason I have horrid spots is because of my appalling diet from ages 12-16. 4 crucial years in a bodies development and all I did was eat sweets all the time. Yuck.
My diet for the last 4 years has been much improved though.
I always find it interesting to read on sites such as http://www.askmen.com/ about dating help. It states that a male must be a challenge for a female for the two to work as a couple - or if the man just wants some action for a night.
“The ultimate challenge”
A funny bit that Bill Hicks did in his routine was that he hadn’t been laid in 3 years yet Ted Bundy butchered women and had 11 marriage proposals when he was in jail.
“He must have been big on that sense of humour thing you ladies love so much!”
It was kind of odd to be told for years and years that you had to be nice to in order to attract a member of the opposite sex only to be then told you need to be, well, a bit of a bastard. Like the old saying goes “treat ‘em mean and keep ‘em keen”. You wonder where this physiology ends however. If a boyfriend cheats on his girlfriend…is this seen as the ultimate challenge? How many times have we been forced to listen to the story of the woman who takes back someone who beat her or someone who slept with her sister or some other tacky tale. There are certain situations where I feel genuine sorrow for a woman in a difficult situation but other times when I can’t help but think they deserve it.
I love light banter. Most of the women I know…our relationship is based entirely upon light banter. A gentle mocking is quite endearing I believe and it helps everyone get off their high horse. But there’s a couple of these dickheads at work who really insult the women…yet they seem enamoured by these pricks.
A house party is approaching soon and if I haven’t fallen into a coma for 3 days…it will not have been a good time!

Tell the boss thanks

So the choice I’m left with is do I go right after it or do hesitate and sit back.
Confront or conform?
Confront and face the possible embarrassment or difficulty. Take a chance.
Conform to a life of wondering whether I should have pushed for it more.
My mood has picked up the last couple of days, I thinks its coincided with the exercise I’ve started to do again. It really gets the day pumping.
1 or 2 things need to happen this week. One of them is definitely getting drunk. I need a bit of a lucky break this week to just motion certain things so I can put my mind at ease.
I listened to Jesus music for 2 hours yesterday. Everyone song was the same. Over the top melody, over sentimental singing and over exaggerated dance choreography.
I felt completely awkward when everyone around me was singing these lyrics that were printed on a screen…I just couldn’t bring myself to sing a single word.
It was also annoying as hell that all the dudes there were better looking than me.
The one thing all these people have though, is a level of comfort regarding their lives. They never seem to get lonely or worried because they really believe Jesus is with them and if he is there only friend, at least they have one.
I can certainly see the benefits of such belief…who doesn’t want to feel comforted and loved at all times right?
I think that I need physical proof however. I have a certain amount of faith but It’s not like I can have a conversation with Jesus.
Good luck to those people though. I guess they’ve already found what they were looking for.

From the sun

Bill Hicks


Sam Kinison


Best beard ever


My ex - she keeps begging me to go back to her


My dads mobile phone

Speed of thought

This is going to be the final entry regarding the situation with Nina. I feel it is important to try and move past what’s happened with her.
2 main reasons are the fact that at work my performance levels have dropped and I have my main exams in a month.
It is simply not healthy to have one person infiltrate your mind to the extent she has.
It has been an interesting, if nothing else, past 6 weeks. Everytime I think I’m in control of the situation….it turns on its head. Like at first I thought she really disliked me since Christmas but then we had a real good time on a night out. Then I thought she’d played me for a fool by drinking stupid amounts of shots. Then she acts real sweet and I think we can be friends. Then we go out again and for 90% of the day it is boring as hell. Then for the remaining 10% of the day it gets very interesting and we both reveal our attraction. Then she’s extremely pally back at work. Then we kiss and kiss and kiss on a night out. Then she distances herself. Now there’s no real contact at all. We officially stopped sending e-mails today. It was the first time when we both working we didn’t note each other.
I’m left with a mix of emotions. Relief that for the first time in a long, long while I actually had at least something with a girl. Disappointed that it looks over. After that Sunday I though we were gonna be together…I really did.
I admit that yesterday gutted me like a fish. The coldness of her intent has really shaken me into writing this. I feel in blogging it…I’m ridding myself of it. I can’t wait for my English exams to be out of the way. Just 1 more month then I’m free for the a few months.
I’m going out in an hour to watch jesus music for 2 hours.
I thought there was going to be a drinking session today but apparently not.