Ah the fucking pain of it all

There’s an emptiness in me. Every few seconds I huff and I puff, so gutted at things now. Can’t believe my gran is really gone, barely anything remains from my perfect childhood. Its taken the wind right out of me. Everything seems more pointless, asif we are just filing time. I saw 2 types of people today…the first was in a relationship, the other wasn’t. The one in the relationship tried to make me feel positive, the single one just put a sympathetic arm round my shoulder. What is this life if you don’t have someone to share it with? Anything I achieve, who am I going to truly celebrate with…the wall? My grandad is alone now, he said he spent the best part of today staring at an empty chair. I just can’t see the point of this life if you are alone, if you don’t have a partner to share with. That’s why they are you’re partner, you’re there for each other, a shoulder to cry on and someone to open a bottle of wine with. My cousin has tried to fill the void with a DVD collection, the latest pc or a new album, the trouble is, none of these material things give a damn about you. Friends are great, they temporarily relieve that loneliness, but when you go home at night, there not going to bed with you (in most cases anyway)
So I stand by my….being single sucks, and it hurts and it makes me sad.

Dads acting like an arsehole

At the worst possible time.
My Gran died last night, devastating to us all. I’ll write in a future blog about her impact upon me. But now I am impassioned to write about dads attitude now. As soon as we got back from the hospital last night he flicked on predator, but the way he did it was so unemotional. He has been short with my mum ever since, one word answers, disagreeing with everything she says, not looking at her when he talks.
What is his fucking problem? I am so disappointed by my dads attitude, I thought he would be the last person to react like this. He’s mad I think, that he has had to take time off work. But what is the deal with that? who gives a fuck about work at this time.
Part of me questions wether dad cared for gran at all. And after the way gran treated him i.e like her own son, I’m surprised and hurt by dad reaction.
But then I look at his whole family, they are all cold individuals, thinking only of number 1. Last night when I cried at my grans side, I was relieved to know I wasn’t like them. I really felt the pain. Unlike dad apparently.
I’m disappointed at his character, my mum expected more support at least. He doesn’t have to be sobbing or moping about, but we want him to be sensitive and understanding. At the moment he is neither.

Max power

I bought the simspons season 4 dvd. A lot of hardcore fans will tell you that this is either the best season of the show or it is right up there with the best. I know every episode, yet it still seems fresh and cutting edge. At this time in the show, everyone involved was peaking, from writers to actors, and it shows in the quality of the episodes. The simspons to me will always be remembered as “light in the dark”. Every bad day at my second school, was followed by the relief of the simpsons provided at 6:00 every night.
I caught an episode of a new season, it wasn’t the same show. Moments still existed, but it just doesn’t have the same feel anymore.
Its weird watching something you loved so strong become stale. Unfortunately it happens all the time. Maybe the only way to avoid it is to finish after 12 episodes like the office or falty towers. 12 episodes of the simpsons would not be enough though .
It’s not just the simspons that has gone downhill, other things have gone too. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the buzz of buying a new Michael Jackson album. No more devastating Mike Tyson fights.
I’m like those old football pundits that wanted Gazza in the England team, just one more chance to prove they have got what it takes. Who can blame them though? People with special talent in entertainment are become fewer and fewer. Instead we are left with endless boy bands and the sight of Beckham posing for another advert.
What worries me about music is that, will a time come when everything has been done? And there is nothing left to unearth. Quite simply, we need a genius, or at least a spectacle. We need a new Michael Jackson, I’m not talking about Justin Timberlake. We need something inspiring, something that when you watch, you can’t believe how good it is.
Hopefully something will come along.

The end has arrived

My week off is now over. History as they say.
What I have I learned this week off? A friend called me yesterday, I didn’t return his call. We are not current anymore. The people at work I am current with, we all have the bond of work. The past will take you so far, but relationships have to be innovative, otherwise they are nothing more than nostalgia trips.
The heroes of yesteryears have been reduced to poignant reminders of an endearing time.
Its better to fade out than burn away.
Looking at a star in the sky melts my fears. Yes that lonely star in the night sky speaks to me, it tells me to calm down and relax, it tells me that tomorrow doesn’t matter because today still exists. But then, the star drifts away, covered by a cloud or the break of dawn. The star has lied to me and I am facing the day all over again.
Legally blonde is on, I hope she dies at the end.
She won’t of course, but I’m still hoping there is a directors cut out there that can provide that relief.
I don’t mean to dampen a heart warming comedy with my negativity….sorry.
I hope that programme is on. The one with the American sheriff showing us clips of car chases. That programme is awesome.

“when you run from the law, expect justice to catch you up”

“this criminal thought he had escaped the law, he was wrong and now the only thing he’ll be thinking about escaping from is prison”

“If you’re thinking about drinking and driving, don’t drive….drinking is ok though”

Don’t be fooled

Being single is just as bad as ever.
Let me tell you about my last “relationship”. We barely went out a month, and by the end we didn’t like each other very much. That was a long time ago now.
Being single is a reality I am so used to that it has become an issue. Its like a spot that starts out innocently, but gradually builds up over time until it becomes the only thing you see when you look in the mirror.
I wonder what being in love feels like? A friend told me its devastating if a relationship ends after having been in love. I told him he was lucky to have experienced it.
I decided not to go out tonight, I’ve seen all the pubs, clubs and other social spots time and time again. Mass amounts of sheep stumble about getting drunk and falling over. I feel removed from this by choice, at first I wanted to be part of the clan, but now it doesn’t matter.
As I said last night, friends are becoming less necessary. I need a girlfriend.
I love writing. I can be completely free in what I say.
I’m watching a programme on channel 5 teaching us how to pull opposite members of the sex. When were all these techniques developed? And how complicated will it be in a 100 years? We are constantly told how we should change our approach and then we will have success but I just can’t take it all in. Body language is huge apparently, see its all about signals. Actually finding out about the other person seems to be a lost art.
And what if everyone mastered these techniques, we would all be robots in night clubs….everything the same, no individuality.
But I’m rambling now, maybe just hypnotism is the answer? Listen to a few tapes, go to sleep and wake up a new man. A lean, mean, pulling machine!
Shush, their teaching you how to flirt in the office.
“that coy look across the office could be the start of something”
…loading 50%

I appreciate you’re concern

I had a 2 hour shift at work. It was to help out Shaun who had to go to a leaving party but work wouldn’t give him the time off.
I am a paranoid person. A part of me has a lurking suspicion that most of the people at work dislike me.
Music isn’t lifting me anymore no songs inspire me into a fit of positivity like they used to. What has happened to Mj’s music? It doesn’t hit me like it used to, it doesn’t raise my game anymore. I’m gonna put on a few Rocky songs, that should do the trick.
I wrote my first essay for college. Easy peasy, loved every minute.
Sally is leaving work in a year after she has finished Uni. She has now cut her days down to just 3. That means I have to put up with Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday without her. Something I will not fucking stand. Sally is the only person I feel enthusiastic for (except parents, but that’s different) friends have become merely acquaintances, people in my life who only exist to make me laugh/ play football with.
Not Sally though.
Would it upset the world if we could go out? Would night never become day again? Would the tides never wash out again? Would the moon explode? What cosmic force denies us this? Or maybe she just doesn’t look at me like that. Yup, I can definitely say that is what it is…she doesn’t think of me in that way. I was not fortunate enough to be granted this blessing. It’s like trying to be king without being royalty.
I want a nice dream tonight. Not a dream about money or sex, not a dream about flying or sheep. But a dream about this life, except me and Sally are a couple. I want this dream to last for hours. We could hang out on clouds, lay in the grass, drink until only we exist.
If I think hard enough, I can picture her face smiling. Why does this face stand out above all others? Its not the smile itself, but what the smile represents.
Bah, religion though. Even if all other barriers were suddenly made null/void, this would still scupper proceedings. Religion? What is religion? Just another nail in the coffin to me.
Star wars trilogy is out on DVD btw

...then who the else are you talking to?

I watched Kill Bill vol 1 last night, I enjoyed it.

My glorious week off

Its nice to step away from normal routine. This week off was needed, I feel a lot calmer than I did last time I blogged.
I’m looking forward to sleep. That warm feeling when you think you have to get up, but, ahhhh you don’t have to. Just turn over and drift away again.

Heat

I feel really pressured. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My physical appearance has severely worsened, and I can’t seem to get an appetite. My gran is on her last legs in hospital, and it breaks my heart. Something else golden from youth is crumbling away. I know I cannot be selfish in a situation like this but I just feel that way. The modern world can be wonderful, but also a shit-hole, too grey and evil.
Too much heart-breaking. Sometimes I feel that if I could say bye to everything at the flick of the switch, maybe I would.
I’m so weak sometimes, I need inspiration, something positive and light. Maybe I should smoke pot full-time? Escapism, that’s what its about.

“I've got to get away so I can clear my mind”

To all the girls that never liked me “Thankyou” and to all the girls that did like me, but I didn’t like them “Thankyou too”

Roll with it

I’m confused as to where I stand with Sally now. I don’t even think we are friends and her attitude the last couple of days has been very standoffish. Usually at work our e-mails and conversations are at the very least…interesting. When we all went out for Sam’s leaving doo the other night, I got a little bit tipsy…not drunk, just happy. Apparently I was the “life of the party” for a couple of hours at least, of what I can remember, it was just me talking a lot. So the next day everyone is banging on about it and Sally almost congratulates me on being a laugh when we went out. At this point I’m thinking “well that didn’t do me any harm at all”, but as the day progressed our conversation just simmered out, she didn’t ask me anything and made it impossible for e-mails or live talk to continue. And today things got worse, she didn’t even bother e-mailing me. I sent her a message and all I got back was “Hi”….convo dead. Maybe she’s having a rough couple of days?
Its amazing, on that night out I felt connected with her, but just 48 hours later I feel like I’m a million miles away. I maintained my point of view of just wanting to be friends, but we don’t even seem to be that. My fear is that I have become a figure of fun rather than a fun figure, maybe I’ve lost her respect and therefore interest. Maybe Alex tipsy is a better specimen than Alex sober.

Let me write this up for you.

Alex sober:
Intense, moody, self conscious, shy, quiet, dullish, reliable, respectful, sensitive

Alex tipsy:
Charming, funny, confident, loud, aggressive, not so reliable, uninhibited and FUN

Well there you have it, says it all really. No more need for analysis, maybe I should get tipsy morning, noon and night, maybe then I will have a report with people.
Ah well, you never can tell.

Uncle nobhead

As Peter Kay says, every family has an uncle nobhead. But the uncle nobhead in my family is disguised as a nice, charming and funny man. My mothers side of the family are all weird, I’ve never been able to make any of them laugh and while I don’t consider myself a funny person, they don’t even acknowledge little comments I throw in there. But one of my uncles is just a tit, he came to my house last week, he didn’t say hi, but instead “Where’s ya mam”. He then phoned me up later asking for my other uncles mobile number and then had the cheek to get irritated while I was looking. He’s such a nobhead.

Moving on. I haven’t blogged in a couple of days as I have just been really busy, hopefully things will be calming down as the week progress culminating in next week off *Sigh of relief*. I am so ready for my holiday, that feeling of not having to go to work in the middle of the afternoon. Heaven.
I started the English course last night, it was a very concentrated lesson, which is perfect. I’ll see how things develop over the next couple of months.

Busy Bee

Lots of things for me to do in the next couple of weeks. Pressure all around, but I need to do the right thing.

“There’s a choice we must make and a choice we must take”

I refuse to discuss my situation any further until things have settled down, its all coming to ahead this week. So time to unclog and write something else.

Leeds won 3 - 0, well played lads, you always had my support. Ahem.

Seriously sport is the thing I’m clinging to at the moment to take my mind off what’s happening in the in the next week.
Bah I’m sorry but I have to write about my situation. Sam is leaving next week, and I am a sucker for emotional goodbyes. I’ve been trying my damndest (is that even a word?) to make best with him, to have a laugh, to not fall out etc. When he leaves I want his final image of me to be positive, not just for him or me, but because our relationship deserves it. I’m scared of the consequences of his leaving, Sam was very much the glue that held our mini-group together. I’ve seen it happen before, someone leaves and the others just kind of drift apart, their common interest vanished. I’ve never been this worried about a person leaving my life.
The other part of me is secretly glad he is going, Sam had sold me down the river a couple of times, he started rumours about me and this other girl, rumours I did not appreciate. But hey, friends are really you’re enemies with secret identities.
Nah he wasn’t the enemy. The most popular person at work was actually good friends with me. I deserve a pat on the back. I’ve studied his rise in fame at work, and account his success with people to 3 attributes.
1. Confidence
2. Looks
3. Personality
It’s amazing how these 3 attributes support each other. Looks = Confidence (in his case at least, he‘s always bragging lol) Confidence = Personality ( he has the ability to be himself in front of anyone) and Personality = Looks ( yea I haven’t thought this through)
Ok so that last paragraph probably means bugger all, but he does have the X-factor with people, something we don't all have. I guess even if you’re not on the stage, it was nice to be invited to the play…

They call him Roger

10 reasons why Roger Federer is my favourite sportsman of the moment
1. He’s is the number 1 player in the world
2. His attitude is terrific, never arrogant and always gracious in both loss and victory
3. His hair style is unique for Tennis
4. His forearm is one of the strongest in the game
5. He has the best backhand in the world and he only uses one hand!
6. He is the most natural Tennis player of all time
7. The shirt he’s wearing at the US open is cool
8. He has battered the American tennis players especially Roddick
9. He plays playstation
10. He is a joy to watch

My favourite career would be a sports journalist, not the type who fill the back pages with donkey heads, but those who are out there at all the magnificent sporting arenas. Whether it be the Olympics, boxing, golf, Tennis, Cricket etc
My interest in all these different sports is amazing, I seem to be able to watch any of them and be completely taken up with them. At the moment, Roger Federer has captured my imagination, he is in the US Open semi-finals and it feels as though I am watching a legend in the making. The way he beat Agassi, against the terrible conditions, against the crowd and of course against a very strong opponent. He plays Tim Henman in the next round, who himself has done exceedingly well at this grand slam. I want Tim to win and although that betrays this entire entry, I have been waiting and watching for Tim to win a Grand Slam for the last 6 years. I like Henman as well, he has a great rapport with the other players and has always given 100%. He won’t win on Saturday as he is facing the man they call Roger, and if I were the officials I would already be etching “Roger Federer” into the trophy as there is no man on this earth that can stop him.
I want to give a shout out to Freddy Flintoff who has also had an amazing year and no doubt I will do a 10 reasons why list for him too. I considered doing a list for Leeds united football team, until I saw the headline “Leeds in talks to sign Bradford star”

You've got to pick a pocket or two

I had one of those days yesterday where I didn’t have anything to say. A few people tried to engage me in conversation, but there was nothing to reply with…I was just blank. Ah well, it happens every now and then. I’ve spent a lot of money this month and got fuck all to show for it, lol isn’t it always the same? I need a new phone, I need some new clothes but I just cannot be bothered. Wow I’m lazy. I also need to change my routine of sleep i.e get some, but its so peaceful at 1:00 AM in the morning. I’ve become incapable of going to bed before 12:00Pm.
I wanted to buy some clothes today out of a catalogue. The prices are sky high and nothing is in stock, but I hate going to town to buy clothes, I always feel uncomfortable. From the shitty music blasting out to the snotty teenage muppet behind the till who sniggers at me when I pick my clothes…whatever happened to help? I go to buy a PC and there is plenty of help, I go to buy a TV and there is plenty of help, but absolutely none when it comes to buying clothes. My mum offered to come with me but I turned her down, I’m already embarrassed enough without her picking out a nice woolly jumper for £4.00, and not only telling me but making the whole shop aware…I’m out with my mother. Yes I don’t like being seen with my parents out and about, shameful as it is, I just always feel awkward.
Mobile phones are a bitch too, everyone I talk to know all the latest offers and makes and I don’t have a clue what they are on about. Its like they don’t even have to read up about it but somehow their brains are naturally tuned into the latest offers.
I wish fashion and phones would fuck off. What’s wrong with wearing a comfortable jumper, even if it is grey? And what’s wrong with a mobile phone that is as big as a speaker….IT STILL DOES ITS JOB for fuck sake

Blue sky ahead

Every once in a while it is great to talk to someone who has the exact same views as yourself. Sean and I had a good bitch about a few of the things that have been going on at work, and it was a relief to find someone else who felt the same as I did. Caroline is our new supervisor, she’s friendly etc but ever since she got the promotion, her decline in character is reminiscent of Michael Corleone’s in the Godfather. You are supposed to keep gap time under 20% for you’re shift, 99% of the time this is achieved, but last week one day it was 20.8%. I’m greeted the next morning by an e-mail demanding an explanation and an apology. She didn’t get either, when I get the hour changes I asked for, then she can have an explanation. Sean needed paternity leave but she dithered about and he ended up working over-time….he was pissed.
Work isn’t that bad at all, it was tough after Christmas but it got a lot better after March. I found out I’m getting paid more an hour than the mates I met up with last week and work is just down the road so no bus fares have to be paid.

Can you feel it?

I never liked music until I was into my teens. No radio or MTV was ever playing. If you asked me what my favourite childhood song was I would just stare back at you completely blank. No, it wasn’t until my teens I discovered music. One group of my friends loved Nirvana and Oasis while the other loved Rap, especially Eminem. I really got into Eminem and Nirvana at this time, and these two are still my faves today.
You would also have to add Michael Jackson onto this list. I was 17 and on a daily mail CD give away, blame it on the boogie was included. I immediately began searching all forms of music from MJ. Unfortunately, 2 years later I have unearthed everything MJ, there is nothing I have not heard, a performance I have not seen. I keep in touch with download sites, to see if anything pops up, but rarely I see anything new and I have to settle for downloading Jackson five performances, which are OK but not on a par with his later performing. I miss the days of listening to Billy Jean for the first time, or hearing DSTYGE at a club. I don’t know if MJ is ever going to release new material with all the crap that is surrounding him.
I can’t say 100% that he is innocent, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt…but who knows in this world? I wish his behaviour was different. After 1993’s allegations, he should have stopped the sleepovers and therefore ruled out any potential criminal investigations, but instead he carried on and now look at it all. MJ does inspire me in other aspects though, and I feel I can relate to him on many other levels, but what a shame it is like it is. Music is what sucked me into the world of MJ, but slowly I seem to be drifting away, he’s not on my play lists as much, I don’t post on message boards about him anymore and the negative aura surrounding him at the moment just gets me angry. I am still passionate about his influence in my life, and just from reading this you can see how contradicted I am about the man. He is not respected the way he should be for his musical and performing ability. He has not only filled his potential but gone beyond that. No-one can touch MJ live yet I never hear any praise of his live performances except for “Motown 25” like that’s the only performance he’s given. He sold out Wembley more than any other artist, yet they choose to bang on about Madonna or U2. I search the BBC website about his performances at Wembley and there is not a damn thing on there. Cunts. Provide me with a bit of reviewed history please, don’t just tell me about thriller selling 50 mil.
That’s another thing too, can you imagine if Robbie Williams sold 50 mil copies of one album? (won’t ever happen) he’d be hailed as the greatest of them all and that album proclaimed the “best ever”.
MJ is under-rated on a professional level, people blur the lines between art and the man. Is van gough not as valid because he cut off his ear? Heh, I don’t think so. But fuck em, MJ has millions of fans that appreciate everything he has given, lets see Bono‘s, Madonna‘s and Robbie Williams fans wait outside them for court. No chance.
But of a rant there, I do apologise.

Colour-blind and way out of line

I can’t get no fucking oxygen today. Hot air all around me, driving me insane. I enroll at college tomorrow, I’m praying this course works out and that I can succeed on it. It was strange to sit down two months ago and be able to pick whatever I wanted to do without any outside interference, a couple of years ago I would have had Ben rattling on in my ear about what he thinks we should do. I was tempted to restart our friendship but now I’m glad I didn’t, he was too controlling and I didn’t feel like an independent

You could be miiiiiiiine - GnR

I worked a full time shift again today. Sam said I was the only one who could help him out, lol so I did. It was a great shift though. The working environment was so relaxed and a lot of laughs were to be had.
I found out something about Sally though, that I can’t shake off. She smokes, no big deal right? I don’t begrudge smokers and I don’t pass judgement on their habit at all. I just couldn’t help watching her and thinking that she looked un-happy. Like she didn’t care about the consequences, almost a self mutilation. Other people I know who smoke do it because they just want to, but Sally just seemed to be doing it for other reasons.
Gee, I’ve been sitting at my computer for the last 15 minutes but I just can’t formulate the words right now. I think we can give a lot to each other, I’ll try my best to be there for her in friendship.

P.S - I won the treble with Barcelona on champ man, unlucky Mr Beckham…and shit performance tonight as well

And now for something completely different...

No-one likes a whiner, a pisser, a moaner. I have managed to mould into this trait.
Something is wrong again, someone has done this to piss me off, work have told me I’m doing this or that, someone was rude to me, will I ever be happy….blah blah blah
Do you ever get tired of the confusion of life?
I’m bored of talking about the same topic, I’ll not write about what I see in the mirror today, just what I see out of the window.
My neighbour is selling more of his cars, his backyard is like a field. Whenever I’m in my room, if I look outside he is always there. Either chatting to a relative or cleaning up his garden. He never goes to work, he’s just there all day. My mum resents him for this, she has every right to I guess. She’s worked everyday of her life since she was 15, and this guy is out there dealing drugs and selling stolen vehicles. No-one on my street will rat him out though, everyone just sits there boiling beneath the surface. There is resentment towards this bloke, but also envy. He’s raking in the money and by the looks of it will be able to retire in about a month. He’s the type of person that wouldn’t think twice about taking a few bob from his own mother. People look at him and think “why should I try? I’m working 60 hours a week for jack shit!”. Some people believe in karma, heaven or whatever else that keeps them on the straight and narrow, but what if this is the only chance we get to make something? There are no guarantee of rewards for living a good life, and what rewards could they be? We are dead anyway!
Some people are just nice by nature and could never cross anyone, and a lot of people don’t even need to cross anyone to get what they want. Others though, have had choices to make. My Gran was offered the chance to move to Canada when she was in her 20’s, but she refused because she couldn’t leave her mother as she was ill. Her sister went instead and now lives on a 2 acre plot of land, and apparently it’s a damn sight better than Leeds or Bradford.
It’s too late for me to sell my soul to the devil, but if I ever had a kid, I’d teach them to be a lot stronger than me. They’d be watching Scarface from the age of 3. Seriously though, I would grind in to them to be a lot tougher than me, and tell them to be utterly ignorant of other peoples views. The mistake I think my parents made with me was to smother me too much, I was never grounded, I never had to do chores…instead they gave me early curfews and stopped me from venturing far outside. So I’ve always been closeted…naïve even.

"Death gotta be easy cos life is hard"

My gran had serious surgery today, 6 hours she was in the theatre. She’s hooked up on drips, needles and god knows what else. They had to remove a cancer from her body, she had no choice before it became terminal. I’m trying to worry about it, instead all I can think about is how Sally called me naïve, and thinks of me as a little brother. I’m like one of those suckers on TV that won’t stop chasing something that is dead. My priorities are way off here, I’ve known my Gran all my life, and have so many great memories of her, yet I’m a million miles away in thought. How did things get this far?…

I said to Sally “I’m doing alrite” and she responded saying “if you say so”
What is she doing that is so great, at least I’m going to college to study something I actually want to study.
I’m not the only one who feels this way about Sally, I’ve seen the way a couple of other guys talk to her, the way they stare at her. There gone too…and one of them is married. It’s like the film there’s something about Mary, please let me be Ben Stiller! Without the penis trapping though.

How the? What the?

No-one was in my area at work tonight, so I was by myself for 4 hours…or was I? I got a message from Sally, I sent one back and put in a little joke about her having to sleep in the boot of her car after falling in a river (yea that’s right), so anyways after a couple of minutes I get a message back saying “don’t tell Sam about the boot thing”…errr ok. And then Sam starts messaging me asking about it. How did he even know? They were actually sitting next to each other and he looked at her screen. So he’s asking me to be a mate and tell him, but I’m so conflicted I can’t do it. Sally wasn’t even nice about asking me not
to tell Sam…all I got was “You’re dead if you tell him” and “I won’t ever talk to you again”, I mean what happened to a good old cash pay off. Anyways I don’t know how it happened but she made a remark about Sam not being good looking, and Sam was paranoid and wanted me to send the note to him. So its all blown up at work (there’s quite a few notes that were exchanged, but I won’t go into detail).
So 1 of 4 things has happened, followed by what will happen.
1. It was all a misunderstanding and no-one will bring it up again.
2. They were just messing about and trying to screw around with me. After all, they were sat next to each other. I’ll go to work tomorrow and they will tell me it was joke.
3. The whole thing was very serious and we won’t really speak to each other for a while.
4. At the end Sally said “You better go home quick, cos this is all you’re fault” so they could blame it all on me, and those two band together.
Why do I get the feeling 4 will occur?

I don’t feel guilty in any way, shape or form. I didn’t do anything wrong at all, I didn’t talk behind someone’s back and I didn’t try and push the boundaries of friendships awry. But I can’t help but feel the relationships with these two people are damaged now. There was a point where I actually had to wrestle Sally away because she was trying to look through the e-mails Sam sent me. If it was up to me, I’d brush it under the carpet or at least not take it too seriously. I guess I can’t do anything now, except patiently wait.
Nah bollocks to that, its them two that have got themselves in a state, even if I do get blamed….I know I didn’t do anything and that’s good enough for me. I can sleep with that thank you very much.

Denied

It’s like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under.
A memory came to me mid afternoon yesterday. I was laying on my bed 10 minutes before I set off to work, trying to relax, when i caught a short glance of a patch of grass outside. It reminded me of a field i once went traipsing across some years ago. Me and two other kids, who i haven't seen for years, met up one Saturday afternoon. We just hung about all day, around a cricket pitch and his local area. I don't know why, but it is one of the most intense memories i have, i can actually feel how i felt then and re-create the moment in a second. Everything back then seemed like an adventure. One of the kids i was with that day was Dan. If there is one person i truly regret losing contact with, its him. I got on so well with him. I called him about 4 years ago, we talked on the phone about how life had changed since first school. He hated his second school, and so did i. I always felt as though if we had gone to the same second school, things would have been a lot happier....we would have probably started a band. I saw him on the bus a few months back, we didn't say anything to each other, neither of us was strong enough to break the deadlock.
The other kid that came with us that day was Scott. Now he came to my second school. You should have seen us in the first 2 years there. We only hung around with each other, and we used to turn up to school late because we hated going. It would be 10:30 in the morning and we would be walking to school, pretending we had missed the bus. They were dark days and its taking a long time to get over it. But you can't be a victim forever.
Never mind future hurdles we must face, some are still getting over the last ones they jumped. You do have to lay the past to bed, and i never feel good if i get nostalgic. Whatever has happened though, it is the past.