Winding round the cracks

The sky is yellow as I type this.
I think of this blog with fondness. A lot of the deep feelings I’ve had, the stuff you can’t say to people, I’ve been able to put on here.
I think I’ve learned two main points.
1 is that the past is just that…the past
…and 2, is, that life is a continual growing process.
We are never 100% sure of our surroundings. You never know what can change.
As a kid and into my teens one of the things I hated the most was when I hadn’t seen a friend for a while and then all of a sudden when I met up with them again they seemed like a different person.
Everything in this last 4 years has not just been a rebuilding process but also a step into the unknown.
My second school was like a bomb dropping on a city. Confidence vanished, security disappeared, happiness…AWOL.
I’ve gone through so much emotionally in these last few years and finally, last year, I was ready.
I think of myself now as that underweight 16 year old kid in college and I didn’t have a clue. I really had no idea about anything. I definitely don’t have all the answers now but I feel as though progress has been made.
A couple months back I would never of dreamed of quitting work. I genuinely liked the atmosphere down there, but recently, it hasn’t been the same.
Peoples attitudes have plummeted and I don’t need it. I kept blaming myself and thought they hated me. But I ever never been rude or disrespectful to these people, so why should I care?
A great piece of advice I learnt a couple months back was “Don’t concern yourself with the people who don’t care about you, concern yourself with the people who do.”
I need to become more of a rock. I’m sure life experiences will guide me.

You might not love me anymore

Well I’ve finally applied for my provisional license. I think been able to drive would be nice. At the weekends I would be able to nick my dads car and drive off somewhere until I get my own car.
Practical thinking is necessary here. I haven’t been motivated to get out because I don’t like the city and it’s a lot of hassle on public transport. So the solution is learn to drive. Rather than wishing I lived somewhere else.
I think a more practical and positive approach is needed from myself. I’ve barely coped with a long and dull summer but now that’s over and I have to forget about it.
Ok things didn’t work out in some aspects but in others they did.
I didn’t get a holiday and I didn’t get a girlfriend. Two things which I expected, have not happened. Bad results, which I expected, I didn’t get.
I should have listened to that phrase “Expect the unexpected!”

Jealous guy

Life spins you in directions you never expected to go.
Ask me the day after I completed my exams in May if I still thought I could forge a career out and I would have said “After that test!?…no way!”
I wasn’t even prepared for the exam…mentally. I got myself worried about it and I couldn’t stop thinking of Nina.
Yet I passed my own expectations.
That exam, however, was taken at a time my soul was filled with hope. Filled with expectation. In a way it spurred me on.
I thought because me and Nina were going to end up together that the gap between myself and society had been bridged.
Instinct got me through the exams. I’d felt stronger at college in those last two months.
I’d done all my coursework throughout the year. The year when there was no-one. My coursework thus ended up being my lowest score., yet I thought I’d prepared best for it.
With my exams finished I could concentrate on the summer. The summer of change.
But it didn’t work out like that.
The events that changed it between myself and Nina were not to be helped and neither of us could avoid it.
It seems selfish to say and I don’t like saying it this way (I also want to reiterate that this entire entry may come across a tad melodramatic, which is not intended) but when Nina’s cousin died she grasped onto everything and everyone in her life. I didn’t see her for 3-4 weeks, during which time she had healed the many fragments in her relationship with her boyfriend. I’m not saying she only wants to be with him because he makes her feel secure but I think it’s a big part of it.
I wanted to tell her that I’d never felt stronger feelings for anyone else. I wanted to tell her that I would always be there for her. I wanted to tell her that no-one else would be right for her except me.
But it’s not as easy as that is it?
When we weren’t even together I could still have these little scenarios run through my head where we were a couple. She was in my dreams too. I remember one particular dream, we are in a building and she’s guiding me through all these rooms while holding my hand. I get a funny feeling in my stomach when I think about it even now. It was so real. We were together. Now I don’t even have those scenarios and she’s not in my dreams. It was killed off during this summer.
It led to 3 weeks of depression. I felt I had no personal life and no profession. Luckily I’ve had a couple boosts in the profession side of things.
The personal life is still just as confusing as ever.
College starts again very soon and I’m gutted I haven’t met anyone.

*Ignore*

It seems I will have to enrol at college a lot sooner than I first expected.
College uh?
It was interesting talking to Liam the other day, he had the mentality that this job is “a means to an end.” Which is true.
But he says he couldn’t do it without the everything else in his life. If he has a shit day at work at least he has Amy to go see.
I just hate the fact of finishing college on an evening and just coming home to watch TV.
I’d just like to know there was someone there, someone worth going through this shit for.
I don’t want to end up like numerous family members.
The ones with no family, no partner and no kids.
I don’t want that. Next year I want to see a bit of the world but I want someone to reference it with.
This year is amazing in so many ways. For years I’d been trapped.
Ben was a problem for so long but I finally got my independence. I lost a friend but it was more important to gain freedom. He had become an enemy disguised as a friend.
And it has all led up to this year. The year where I actually started going out. The year where I experienced the death of someone I knew. The year I actually made progress (however small) in a career.
Things are still on too smaller scale for me. This town is suffocating.
Ahead lies many a decision. Small ones like…should I change hairdressers? And big ones like….should I move out?
There’s so much to face and so much to embrace.
I’m floundering.
I have so many questions. Where are the friends? Where are the people I can call just to go out with on a whim? Where are they?
The summer is ending and the canvas is blank again. I am truly stepping into the unknown. I could deal with it better if I just had someone else along for the ride.
If only I could call _______ and go for a pint when I’m feeling stressed.
If only I could call _______ and go round her house.
Now, as it always has been, is the time for rhino skin and broad shoulders.
Yawn. Tired of my brain.

You're the outclass

I’ve had one of those days where I feel like the odd one out.
I’m feeling anxious about going back to college. The thought that this time next month I’ll be back scares the hell out of me.
It’s the wrong feeling.
I feel good about the course…but it’s everything else.
I seem unable to let go. Unable to live like the free spirit I should. My distance with people cripples me.
It bothers me to the point where I become fearful of new situations to the point that I dread them.
It’s such a drain I tell you.
The last two nights I’ve had quite horrendous dreams involving people I know. Dreams that play out my fears, dreams that put a picture to my insecurities.
Silly and niggly things can get to me when I feel like this.
Like Yvonne talking to everyone else except me. She could barely muster a hello.
Meh, what am I twittering on about though really?
I guess I’m still searching for people.

Misc.

This weeks reason why I wish Nina was my girlfriend.
The 38 lunatic who has a crush on me is getting a bit too obvious. I don’t like her at all and I don’t want to have to hurt her but she must stop this fawning.

I’ve always got my hand!

I’d gotten pleasing results and last night I was going to celebrate.
It was all coming together for me.
On Saturday because I start so early in the morning, by the time the night comes round, I look dreadful.
But not so yesterday.
By 20:00 my spots had cleared and my skin was gleaming. Even the patch of hair at the back of my head that was constantly sticking out all week, finally gave me a break and laid flat.
Surely this had to be my night?
I headed into to town and the fresh air sent a shockwave to my brain and reminded me of one very scary fact.
“I am crap at pulling birds.”
Eeek!
I got to the club and was immediately intimidated. Usually when I go out I assume I’m never going to pull and therefore just relax and have a good time. Tonight was different.
But the competition was strong. Tanned gods strolled in with latest style in fashion.
The two fellas from work I had met up with are experts with the ladies. One of them is supposed to be in a long term relationship which has produced a kid but as he exclaimed:
“Have you seen that film road trip Alex?”
“Oh yea.”
“Well if it’s in a different zip code, or post code, in our case, it doesn’t count!”
“Ah right!”
There were 8 lasses and 3 fellas…a good ratio I think you’d agree! And those two had already integrated themselves with the lasses while I was still conducting mundane, polite conversations.
I had a few drinks and then we all got on a train to head to the next town. This ended up being the downfall of the evening.
On the train I got sat next to Beth. A nice girl and we got chatting and had a few laughs. After the train stopped the two fellas said to me “You could be in there mate.”
“Really?”
Unfortunately the girls had us walking around the streets passing numerous clubs and bars until we ended up in this shitty little venue with no oxygen. We left there and the wild goose chase continued before me and the fellas decided to come back to our town. The lasses said they were coming back too but they never did.
So I ended up having one more drink before going home.
Just another birdless night then haha!
In the first club we ran into Aidan.
Aidan is a new chap at work who I’ve had quite an interesting introduction to.
We have this banter going where we call each other gay and say we slept with each others mothers.
He’s the type of person who you have to know when to play it serious and when not to. You cannot let him take advantage of you.
Since he joined I’ve noticed a very big shift in attitude from Yvonne. This sweet, funny and charming girl has been replaced by a moody, egotistical and quite nasty being.
I found out yesterday , from Sally (the gossip queen), that the two have been seeing each other.
Yvonne showed me the card Sonya left for her which pleaded with her not to change her character for anyone, but it seems, she may have already done so.
A shame really. It’s amazing how a relationship can change people. Take Sally for example. Although her relationship with Terry ended, Terry is a very calm bloke and you could see this rub off on sally. She seems much more laid back nowadays.

Above all though, the thought that is with me now is…
“I wish I would have pulled last night!”

Devil enjoy my soul

I got my results back today. All B’s.
I was very pleased as I was concerned before I opened the envelope that it was going to read D’s and below.
So I was on a bit of a buzz going into work.
The last, ummm, 2-3 months have seen me turn into public enemy number one within my team. It’s all in a jokey/cheeky manner which I revel in.
I’d been thinking about dropping the axe for a while.
Just go for it…100% ignorance.
It all started today when I had to sit in the supervisor’s chair ‘cos everywhere else was full up. I soon pronounced myself as the new supervisor to the team.
How could I take this further I thought?
Well I sent an e-mail to everyone on the team slating their performance and stating that I “would change the way things worked around here”. I criticized our current manager and supervisor , I made personal attacks on everyone and claimed to have gotten a pay rise because I’m too damn talented.
I sent the e-mail off, unsure of the response. The worst thing people could have said was “that was a lame thing to do.”
I went to the toilet immediately after sending it.
When I came back…I saw it. It was all over their faces.
“Alex!!! You twat!!!! Haha!!!”
They all took it in good humour but this was it…the axe had been dropped. There is no way back for me now. It lead to 6 hours of Alex vs. The rest of the team.
Liam and James were the biggest threats. They got nasty and threw in some low blows but it was OK.
I was the real life David Brent…the real life Rigsby.
All bonds broken, I could never be considered a colleague again…I had become team enemy number one and I fucking love it.
I will regret it though. I will have crap to face everyday but it fires me up. I can’t wait ‘till the next team meeting…it will be fireworks.
“It’s better to burn out than fade away!”
They all had to admit that the e-mail was a classic. One for the archives. It has distanced us and I will never have a normal conversation with any of them again but I don’t give a fuck!
At work I am no more myself…I am a character and he is an ego-maniac.
He is called Alex Lee: King of all.
I tell you…it’s some crazy shit.

Whatever

They are due every now and then. The last time I had this was 2 years ago. A point in life where a new page is turned.
As I await my exam results which will possibly spin me off in a variety of ways, I sit here now realising that it is all set to change again.
The last 3 weeks have been extremely difficult. It has been an ugly and negative period. A time when I’ve felt utterly alone and afraid. Nina and Melissa go away tomorrow and I should have been going too but a road block presented itself in the form of an e-mail stating that I couldn’t get the time off work.
On the way to work this morning I thought about all the times in my life when something has occurred (or not occurred) which has caused my life to go down a different direction.
Decisions, motives, ambition…part of our life’s blueprint.
The older you get, the more responsibility lies upon your shoulders.
I’d say for the first 16 years of my life, the major decisions were generally made for me but here are some that I did get to choose.
When I was about 14 my old mate Simon used to stick to me like glue. It got to a point where I had a choice….ditch him and become independent, or live with it. He was very quiet and we got to the point where there was no conversation but he would just follow me about. I couldn’t stand it anymore but part of me felt guilty.
Rated: Good decision
I started taking guitar lessons but gave up 6 months later.
Rated: Terrible decision
My friends started to drink at about 15. They invited me and Ben over to drink with them but we chickened out. You have to understand that our confidence at this point was non-existent.
Rated: Undecided
After my GCSE’s I didn’t know what to do so I just went along with whatever Ben pointed out.
Rated: Bad decision
There were plenty more of these kinds of decisions at that time but not all of them I can remember or want to go into. I now move onto the decisions made between 16-18.
When Ben quit college after only 3 months and I decided I wasn’t going to give up and that I would continue.
Rated: Good decision. This was the first time in 5 years that I hadn’t relied on Ben to be there all the time.
I quit that course eventually but on my own terms. I had simply no interest in pursuing a career of that type.
Rated: Good decision.
Me and Ben were unemployed and not at college so we decided to try and write for a living.
Rated: Good for a while…turned sour later. We let it go on for too long (for nearly 2 years of this lifestyle)
I got fed up of Ben trying to control me so I blocked him out of my life. He had turned very nasty towards me the last time I had seen him.
Rated: Good decision.
I was 17 and I had been offered what some people would call very good, full time jobs. But I turned them down.
Rated: Good decision - I would never have seen daylight if I had taken one of those jobs.
So while it looks asif I made the correct decision for myself in many parts of this period, there were lots of errors I made. Being lazy was the worst one.
So from 18 - to the present day it has been crazy. The loneliest time of my life, the scariest time of my life, but ultimately, and this is what keeps dragging me up when I’m on the floor, the part of my life with the most potential.
I can do whatever I want. I am free.
I just need to sort my personal life out. The brain don’t work if the heart ‘aint fixed. But at least I’m free.

I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to say whatever I
Whatever I like
If it's wrong or right it's alright
Always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fuss
Get a grip on yourse
lfIt don't cost much
Free to be whatever you
Whatever you sayIf it comes my way it's alright
You're free to be wherever you
Wherever you please
You can shoot the breeze if you want
It always seems to me
You only see what people want you to see
How long's it gonna be
Before we get on the bus
And cause no fussGet a grip on yourself
It don't cost muchI'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Here in my mind
You know you might find
Something that you
You thought you once knew
But now it´s all goneAnd you know it's no fun
Yeah I know it's no fun
Oh I know it's no funI'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
I'm free to be whatever I
Whatever I choose
And I'll sing the blues if I want
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright
Whatever you do
Whatever you say
Yeah I know it's alright

Sorry Sam

It’s strange what ways life directs you sometimes.
This last time last year I was fairly content. I never went out and my relationships with people were not very good. It’s not that people disliked me, it’s just they didn’t think anything of me.
I was writing quite a bit though. I was pretty satisfied. I only started doing this blog when I started to feel it wasn’t enough.
Today I got some feedback on my writing, the first for 14 months. It was nice, I suddenly remembered that I could actually still write.
The day kicked on and I found out Sam had left work again.
I asked Sally why he hadn’t said anything.
“He didn’t want work to find out he’s not coming back.”
So why didn’t he tell me?
“He thinks you’d changed since he came back.”
I questioned her further about this but she didn’t want to go into full depth.
People were funny to me all day.
And I just thought that I really am supposed to be a loner. We can’t fake what we aren’t forever.
I am a loner and I have to deal with it. No big deal….that’s just the way it is.

I don't know what you heard about me

Today I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to wake up and everything be sorted out.
Things just get on top of me and I go under.
Last night was the worst I felt out of these last 3 bad weeks. I went for a long walk and there was no easy answer this time. No thought in my head that just pops in there and kicks me up the arse. When I got home I cursed everything. It went on like this for a couple of hours before I realised…no-one was listening.
And that’s the reality.
I’m only thinking as far ahead as my exam results because after that I don’t know what exists. Feeling bad is fine, we all feel bad sometimes. But when you start to rely on outside forces to help you, that is worrying.
“Why won’t God just make it right for me!?”
Because it doesn’t work that way. I’d been doing alright for a while. This blog may not have always given off that impression but generally I was pretty happy these last few months. But suddenly I didn’t feel like that anymore. Nothing was enough and I was damned if I was going to do anything about it.
I started panicking about my career. “Where am I going?” “I’m not trying hard enough.” “Wasting my life.”
I’ve had to finally calm myself down about this. Wait for my results and then start to make a decision. No doubt I will panic again after I get them but at least I can find out where I really want to go.
Then there is my personal life. Something I’ve felt at odds with for a number of years. Whilst there have been dramatic improvements this year…it is still not enough.
I’m letting the world know that by hook or by crook I will sort things out, through the rough times and the good, not because of unique ability but because there is simply no other way. If I stop wanting and trying…I may aswell throw myself in front of a train. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN - however hard life may feel sometimes.
Leeds lost last night. I felt gutted because I want us to challenge this year and I’m sick of losing to Cardiff.
I also would like Eugene to win BB. I hate Craig the fucking shithead cunt-face. And Macosi (I won’t spell her name correctly because she is a bitch) is one of the most revolting things I have ever seen in my life. Along with Craig.

So skinny you can see actual bone

The only thing that has been consistent these last 3 weeks has been working out. 4 nights a week. It had been on/off for the last 2 years.
I feel like shit today.

He's just a shot away

I woke up feeling nervous with anticipation. I didn’t know how the day was going to pan out.
It was looking good though. England had beaten Australia in the most dramatic match…ever, and Leeds had started off the season with a win.
Yes it was looking quite good. The nerves were growing…why? I didn’t know what was going to happen with Nina. Deep down I wanted something to happen.
A resolution of some sort. The last couple of days we’d somehow captured the same vibe as a few months previous.
So after my dinner at around 3, I rang Nina as I told her I would yesterday. I could tell right from the off it had changed again. She wasn’t interested in talking and actually said “Oh I thought we weren’t bothering?”
Eh? Had I missed something here?
“I haven’t even got ready and I don’t know if Christie is turning up.”
Christie. Yesterday you didn’t care if she was coming or not. So I said “Ring me if you wanna go down then.”
I said in a light and positive manner.
My little cousins came round then and proceeded to tear up my room…it was a lot of fun and cheered me up. Then she texted me and said “I’m still in ****** - shall we not bother?”
Ok then Nina.
She didn’t even bother calling me. There was something so impersonal about sending a text. I wasn’t even worth the call.
My nerves are gone now. Replaced by disappointment and fear for the future of me.
It’s sad that nothing is going to happen there because her boyfriend clearly doesn’t care for her. That’s not the opinion of just me…but everyone who has seen them together.
It’s not that he’s a bad guy at all. It’s just that there is no affection between them.He

Hoping everything's not lost

So tonight didn’t happen.
I’m meeting up with Nina & a couple others tomorrow for a drink etc.
She had that tone in her voice and that suggestion in her words.
Something I haven’t heard for a while.
Things are so complicated with her ya know. If she’d have been single we would have been together for months.
Then we slipped into friendship and that’s where I still think we are. I almost curse meeting her because I’ve sabotaged possible opportunities with others because I couldn’t get my mind off her. Like I put in last nights blog…there is something that connected us far deeper than usual.
Maybe I was reading too deep into it but with some people you meet…you know they are keepers.
Tomorrow is probably the last chance for us to get together. She finishes work for the summer and I have to crack on. Tomorrow could be a pivotal day. I could be writing a blog stating that all we ever will be are friends…or I could write an entry which commemorates us starting out together.
Whatever though.
Leeds kick off tomorrow. I’m cautiously optimistic about the season.

Begging and pleading

Louis could meet Nina tomorrow.
Two friends form different parts of my world collide.
Every time this has happened before…disaster.
Louis is such a light friend. Someone to play computer games with, someone to get drunk with…someone to talk football with.
We don’t have deep conversations. I don’t even know if he’s ever had a girlfriend. I’ve only started going out with him since the turn of the year, before that our time spent together was just in each others bedrooms (nothing gay mind you).
Nina is someone who has invited me to go out a few times with her and her friends. It’s been complicated with her but underneath all the pap…we are friends.
If it goes wrong tomorrow…I’m likely to never leave my bedroom again. I can’t face another rift between mates.
That’s another reason I don’t hardly have any friends. I can’t mix and match them. I’m a different person to them all.
Louis doesn’t know about the things that I’ve done in the last year. He doesn’t know about the feelings I’d had.
But it was cool. He was just a light friend.
Tonight he was round at my house and I started talking about friendships. I was about to talk about my lack of relations but I knew he didn’t want to hear it. He started huffing and speaking very little. He got agitated and would barely respond.
That’s when I knew…all we would ever be…were light friends.
I then stopped in my tracks.
With Nina it has been both a light-hearted friendship and an incredibly deep relationship at the same time. I remember in the club at 12:00 and we’d had a bit to drink but suddenly the conversation turned sombre. She talked about how she had lost her parents and I told her that I’d felt isolated for so long. Then we kissed. It was like we both had huge voids and somehow, together, we would fill them.
It’s quite sad when I think about how we never ended up together. She’s just a mate now though.
These two people are very important to me and it’s fine when life pokes fun at me by throwing up the only person who would go out with me as being someone who is 38 and has kids….but don’t fuck with these. I’m begging whatever cosmic force that determines life…please don’t screw me with these two.
Don’t make them talk nastily about me. Don’t make them fall-out. Don’t ruin anything.
Because if it gets fucked at all with these two tomorrow…I won’t be able to face life anymore, and that’s not an empty threat…that’s not a mood swing or comment made irrationally. I wouldn’t be able to bear it.
All I ask is that the night goes well. Can everyone please be cool with each other.
Is that OK?

The Emptiness strikes back

As promised yesterday.
Who was the girl with the crush on me?
I knew it would be someone who would cause embarrassment and I was right.
Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Nicole.
She’s 37!
She’s got two kids!
…and she’s still married!
So everyone revelled in this of course and I was made to look a like an insignificant shit.
I had to laugh really as I walked home. 24 hours previous I had expected life to throw this at me and here I was, 24 hours later….proved 100% fucking right.
Predictable life. No sorry that’s wrong. Predictable people more like.
Last year I would have gone in a fucking mood. I would have sit there at work and sulked. But that’s when I thought I was doing something wrong.
But now I know different. I know I’m being screwed by people. I’m going to live in a fucking hole when I grow older. Away from ego’s, away from the extroverts, away from the image conscious, away from everyone.
That’s how I really feel at this moment.
When I needed life to produce me a soul mate…It instead produced me a joke. It let the rumbles of hope shudder inside of me and then landed it’s big, cartoonish, comedic knock-out.
Here to make other people laugh at him.
Feel confused and lost and I don’t know what to do. Fuck it tho eh? Life will continue.

Shallow Hal

I would never be able to go out with/have one night stand with someone I was not attracted to. I know people who will go with anything….that aint me.
Why am I saying this?
Well ya see, life wants to insult me further.
Nina and I have started talking again and she seemed to have cut her snappy attitude out. Which was good news because she was a good friend when she wasn’t acting like a shit.
Then yesterday night on the way to football Sam said that there was a big conversation involving himself, Nina, a team manager and a couple of other random people. They were talking about Liam and Amy being a couple and Sam (who doesn’t know Nina that well) blurted out “Forget them two…what about Alex and Nina!”.
The team manager and the randoms laughed while Nina was reportedly uncomfortable. She has since made every effort to prove there is nothing between us but she took a step further tonight when she texted me saying “I’ve been talking to someone at work who really, really fancies you. But I promised not to tell.”
What are we 8 years old? Just fucking tell me.
Although…do I really want to know? ‘cos no doubt it will be someone I’m not attracted to and it will be awkward and embarrassing.
This situation is rare for me. Someone who is actually attracted to me. I’ve been wishing to meet someone for so long that I know it will be the ultimate insult when this person is to be revealed.
I’m being cynical. Deep down I know it’s well founded.
I’ll write a blog tomorrow explaining who it is when I find out.
It will be a very depressive entry because life will have insulted me. Trying to humiliate me and break me.
..why can’t it be someone…I like? Is that such a foreign concept?
I bet its Vanessa….ugh.

You have to ask yourself one question...

It’s been a confusing last 7 days.
It was about this time last week when I hit the brick wall. That time when you look at your life and think “Ok, what now?”
I had a good weekend which helped. Got smashed and various hilarious moments took place.
You need that.
I hadn’t been out for 3 weeks before this Saturday.
In my mind I was screaming…..
“AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
….etc