Revenge of the Jaded

"Come on, my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If i, if I’d only waited
I’d not be stuck here in this hole
Come here my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I’ve got to get out of this hole
But time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It’s no cause for concern
Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath
And time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down
And all around, no
It’s no cause for concern
Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I’m on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won’t change a thing
I’m sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose"

Where do I begin? What do I say?
I’ve been listening to Coldplay and Oasis first and second albums. The weather has been getting colder.

Loner

What a pile of wank this summer has turned into. No-where to go because I don’t have anyone to go with.
Friendly acquaintances that’s all they are. They don’t ring me, they don’t text me….I’m nothing to them. I give off the vibe that I’m in my own zone and no-one can penetrate it. It’s partly true.
Loner by nature…whether I want to be or not.
Isn’t it wonderful when I try to reach out. I tried to be warm and invite people out but they didn’t listen and they never took the idea up. Whenever I was invited out it was because it was a group situation. I was never out of it in these social situations. I always had someone to talk to…but it was so empty because I knew I’d never see these newbies again…and I didn’t.
I remember when I got to know Liam better. We talked about this kind of thing and he just didn’t understand this “loner” thing. People who don’t feel it…don’t understand. They always try to preach about ways of integrating yourself into the world but they just have no idea about the thought patterns.
And how could he understand? I’m sure he has pain in his life, but loneliness isn’t one of them. He has a friend for every minute of the day. He has every girl swarming around him like bee’s on honey. I see the way people look at him. Utter respect, utter admiration, utter love.
I’ve recently searched for answers in religion but to no avail.
“Give yourself to jesus!”
Hey Jesus wanna go out for a game of pool? Wanna go see a film? Wanna catch a footie match?
Oh wait….YOUR NOT A PHYSICAL FORM.
And I don’t want to wait ‘till I’m dead.
People just have no opinion of me. They don’t consider me for more than the few seconds they’re engaged in polite conversation. It’s not hate, it’s not love….it’s nothing.
That’s what I am though. No connections and no life.
How could Nina ever choose me over her boyfriend? When we went out for her b-day her boyfriend knew all the bartenders in the bars we visited and was able to get free drinks.
I didn’t know one person.
She turned out to be a person I don’t like which makes me feel better about all that but it still sucks because it could have been someone I still like.
I saw lots of kids mucking about today and I remembered that I haven’t felt right for years. When did life break me? I’m one of those cases, those types of person who never repair. It breaks my heart because I’ve seen the potential of life.
But I’m a loner. Some days I live with it fine, then others, like today, I can’t bear it. And I don’t think I’ll ever climb back.

A new hope

I feel guilty/silly/sappy when I write blog entries that are all about how I’m feeling. But fuck it…it’s a blog afterall.
Those lovely moments when you’ve been getting to know someone and suddenly you get to the point where you feel comfortable saying almost anything to them, or at least you don’t reserve comment.
It has been a tense couple of weeks with Nina. We’re not really speaking and she’s really coming across as a bitch and a bit of a shitty person. Me and Chris were walking out and we were right behind her as she walked through the door. The doors at work require you to swipe your pass at the side to open, so normally where you’ve gone to the effort of opening the door and people are walking behind you, you would hold the door open so they don’t have to go to through the effort of the swiping. This is not something sensational…you do it for people you don’t even know in every walk of life. So she opens the door, turns around, looks at us, turns back around and carries on walking. So Chris had to get out his card to swipe (heh let him do it).
I can’t begin to explain why she is acting this way. I thought for at least 3 months that us two were going to get together because we were getting on well etc and things were bad with her B/F. As time passed and things improved with her boyfriend I had to grudgingly accept this. When I met him I thought he was a top bloke and that’s why I wanted him to come out with us all 2 weeks ago. That’s why I offered to pay for him.
In moments of mental weakness I wished that we had got together but every time I saw the two of them getting on I knew it wasn’t going to happen.
I don’t want to give the idea that I’m thinking about all this bollocks all the time…I’m not. When it comes to me thinking about writing an entry…I just try to write from the heart and right what I really feel about situations in my life. After I’ve clicked published…I get on with the rest of my life.
Nina finishes work next week and has the whole of August booked off. I’m starting to think that this maybe a good thing. Out of sight…out of mind.
I’ve been getting on really well with Nina’s best mate, Melissa. She has a wacky sense of humour and we just laugh all the time.
She’s leaving soon though. Damnit…cos we’ve reached that really cool part in getting to know someone.

Importance of being idle

If I needed to say the perfect thing at the needed time I wouldn’t trust myself.
I have this tendency to say something weird at crucial conversational key points. It doesn’t always happen. When I feel no pressure I’m fine…but as soon as there is anything external put on it…I say something totally not cool dude.
But anyways.
I’ve been thinking career wise for the last few days. Ideas have been tossed back and forth and I’ve talked with mum a lot. I just can’t give it 100% at the moment. My mind is always elsewhere.
Fears exist that need to be put to sleep. I can’t do it by myself though. Someone needs to come along to solve this shit.
It wouldn’t make my life complete but it would take away the pain, loneliness and fear. I don’t want to end up like those others in my family but it just feels as though all the signs point towards that lifestyle.
It takes me down odd mental passageways when I start to think of solutions and answers.
What a mess things feel sometime.
I remember my old boss always complaining about her lazy son who spent all day in bed. He didn’t work, study or go out.
His mum made out like these 3 things would transform him. Well 2 years ago I was the same and now I do all 3 of those things but there are still hurdles.
But what the fuck am I going on about? All I need to do is meet someone so my brain can shut the fuck up and I can finally believe that I’m not going to do everything on this earth alone.

Mass confusion

Sometimes I hark on about the morals of those jocks who sleep around with lots of girls and never call them again.
I protest that this kind of behaviour serves our society no good at all. I anticipate the afterlife which awaits them….ready to condemn and punish these jocks.
In reality I’m jealous as hell. Sometimes I am anyway.
People with superior looks and attitude than myself. Parading in a paradise of non-committal, pulsating, rabid sexual feasting while I’m at home playing grand theft auto.
Uh?
To hell they shall be banished…but man what a ride.
Does a hell even await them? And besides, they don’t deserve to go to hell just for having numerous sexual adventures. Sex has it‘s own risks and rewards…babies, abortion, STD’s…they are all warning signs. Some they will win and some they will lose…but man what a ride.
I am in no position to judge or condemn. Like I maintain, I only promote the morals due to me having absolutely zilch going on.
If I had the looks and personality I’d be out most nights trying to get laid. I’d have numbers on my phone of girls who I can visit just to get some relief.
I would probably turn into a sexual demon. Never missing an opportunity.
Nah nah nah. I wouldn’t be like that….but I would have my fun.
I’ve known people like me, even in my own family, people who have no sex appeal. People who are as bland as cardboard. People who replace living souls with technology in the hope of filling a void. People who are dogged by loneliness. People who are liked…but not loved. People whose presence at a party is irrelevant. People whose hair is always shit.
People like me. I have this tendency to over smile. Where my lips are so curved that it forces my eyes shut. I once took a picture of this smile and I looked like a little 10 year old boy who had just been bought an ice cream. No wonder there is no sex appeal.
I remember when I was younger I thought I might be A-sexual. I never really looked at girls in a sexual way. I used to watch baywatch for the plot lines.
Then she came along.
One time during baywatch. Blonde hair, gorgeous face, figure like Jessica rabbit. Pamela Anderson. She was the only woman I would want to kiss and have sex with.
As the years rolled by my standards slipped.
And now look at me. Even the girls on Trisha I’d consider going with. And these types are the worst types.
Since last year I’ve felt, deep in my soul, that I wanted a bird. I took a walk last night down the old field. It was rubbish by myself. The last time I had gone down there was with Ben. Things are not generally worth doing by yourself.
Ben was a person I was so close with that. Like Aaron before him. I don’t talk to either now and I don’t really regret it. It was a necessary advancement. Ben shouldn’t have been such a dickhead basically.
I’m just jealous of all the couples and jealous of all the players. There are 3 single people in the family who have never be known to have a partner. I always feared I would join their ranks. And after the way I see girls look at me I know I’m safely heading in that direction.
Don’t expect me to have ambition or goals. ‘Cos I don’t want to celebrate alone. I realise that now. I realise that stuff like having a house and a family are important to me and a life without all of that is a pile of wank. Or a life that I will have to adapt to.
You’d think I was asking to win the lottery.
Since the bombings last week I’ve noticed a shift in attitude from some of the Muslims towards me at work. They have distanced themselves and become rather cold. I’m hurt by their attitude….especially Taj. I’ve known him since I started their and it hurts that he’s acting that way.
We’ll see how it goes though.

Just for show

I should have gone with them last night but I let the my insecurities get the better of me. I knew I’d made the wrong choice this morning.
What is disappointing is the fact that I hadn’t avoided going anywhere like this since the turn of the year. Last year (as you may have read) I didn’t go out at all. That had all changed this year but last night I gave a cameo of my old self. I regret it but I have to move on. It is now my responsibility to get something else organised.
I heard a very interesting preaching this morning. It talked about letting go of doubt and fears.
Last night I had doubts and fears. The worst part was that I knew all the people I was going with and I had just enjoyed their company a few days earlier. I’m disappointed in my actions but it serves as a reminder to how I was last year and most importantly how I don’t want to be again.
I’ve been looking upon this September as something to fear. Not knowing what courses to attend for the most part and having no idea where to go. While it is easy to panic, I must remember that I’ve never been more free in my life than I am now. No controlling friends, no school and no parental hassle. I have complained about my parents numerous times in this blog but when I look at the full picture they never get in the way. My mum always looks at the security side of a situation but always understands if I do something different. I don’t get hassled about working more hours, I don’t get hassled about college and I don’t get hassled about what time I turn up in the mornings. Since I turned 18 they have been less authority figures and have become more like two friends…which is awesome.
I’m prone to looking back at my life. Filled with nostalgia about summer days , filled with angst about school days. But as I heard the preacher say “But whatever it was, how ever long ago it was…..it’s over, it’s gone.”
Sometimes you need to hear those words in a different forum.
So I stayed in last night and watched the Amir Khan fight. I was impressed by both his in-ring abilities and how he presented himself outside the ring. At the end he paraded a Union Jack flag with London sprawled across the middle. This kid is a Muslim in the north of England ….he could do wonders for race relations. I’ve heard a lot of stupid and, quite frankly, racist comments regarding the Muslim faith since the bombings. I advise these people to read the Qur'an fully before lumping all Muslims in the same bracket as the lunatics who commit these acts.
Leeds United are on tour in Norway at moment. They’ve signed a couple of crap players and I’m not hopeful for the upcoming season. I can’t believe this is the same club that singed Rio Ferdinand, Robbie Fowler and Olly Dacourt just a few short years ago.
Football is a bastard. It is unforgiving, temperamental, disloyal, depressing, shady and should come with a health warning. But I think I love it. No, I know I love it. What’s wrong with me?

No matter what they say

I am sick of being ugly.
Quite a lame thing to say I think you’ll agree but I just can’t stand my irritating face today. Those eyes stare back at me without a clue. The hair makes all the effort not to co-operate. The spots continue to multiply. Sometimes I think my body is conspiring against me. We should be helping each other out but instead my body, and in particular , my face just wants to bail out and put the worst show on possible.
I saw, perhaps, the most beautiful girl ever today and I wouldn’t have a chance. And sure I felt disappointed at this fact but I wasn’t too bothered because this girl looked asif she’d walked straight out of a magazine.
But then I started to scope girls I know, girls I knew and girls and I’d just seen.
And the results were not very encouraging. None of them would even look twice at me.
I kept seeing my reflection and thinking “This can’t be what I look like.”
Haha. It’s quite humorous when I think about it. You know, quite humorous in a break your heart kind of way.
I found this picture of me when I was 18 and I though “Hmmmm.”
YOU UGLY SHIT….NO WONDER YOU DO NOT HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
And then I burnt the picture.
I’ll get over it though, when I’m dead probably.

I shot her

I sometimes envy those people who live life black and white. I heard Nick talking today and his world revolved around getting work out of the way and getting smashed at the weekend.
“That’s all I care about.”
And I believed him too. He has almost succeeded in his shallow pursuit of Melissa. If she was smart she would avoid getting together with this guy because all he wants to do is sleep with her once and dump her.
Because as he has expressed in other conversations.
“That’s all I care about.”
Maybe Melissa deserves that, maybe she is looking for that kind of relationship. You see Melissa and Nina always hang around together and somehow Nick has worked his way into this partnership to make it a trio.
I’d broken new ground with Melissa the previous couple of days but it has left us, ultimately, further apart then before. Like today she didn’t bother saying hello or how are you, it was just a brash insult. Ok light banter is a lot of fun.
But Nina, Nick and now Melissa all have this attitude towards me. Today I actually felt a hatred towards Nina…a genuine dislike, and I couldn’t wait to get away from her. She was walking down the steps with her best mate Nick and then she shouted some kind of insult or something my way and I was just outta there in a heartbeat, I didn’t even want to stick around.
It was such a contrast of relationship when compared to the people I was with the night before. Me, Sam and Sally had decided to go to a bar for a few drinks and a smoke. It was such a good atmosphere.
I’d forgotten these two people existed. I’d had a shit day yesterday and it was just what I needed. The first two people I knew when I started there and these were the two I was still closest with.
The wheels have fallen off with everyone else at the moment. I don’t know what’s caused this shift. Ever since Liam came back after his holiday he has had barely two words to speak to me and Yvonne has picked up the same attitude as the trio of twats.
You can’t allow yourself to be consumed by other peoples opinions of you, or attitudes towards you, but when people have been fine for a long time and then suddenly it changes…it’s even harder to accept.

A lesson in possession

That’s what I like. Our manager and deputy are easy going and always say hello and have a friendly chat. I appreciate that.
Not only are these two in a position, in a business sense, of authority, but it is not in their job requirement to do anything like that. People will put it down to man management etc and while that is true, I get the feeling with those two this the real them.
But how do you know that Alex?
Well, I knew one of them when I first joined and she was just as sorted then.
Other people are dickheads however. I always find this in any walk of my life.
The people who won’t acknowledge you’re presence in whatever circumstance. There are too many people I know who just look straight through me and if I don’t throw in the first “hello.” We’d never talk again.
I mean what the fuck is that? I wouldn’t mind if we’d had some kind of fallout…but no, nothing like that. I’m not saying everyone has to be falsely polite. But it’s just about respect.
And I don’t have the kind of presence that demands respect. Unfortunately. People could be more considerate though.
It pisses me off because I go into these downward spirals of thinking. I really doubt myself as a capable human being. I doubt myself as a human being who can face life.
And I don’t wanna doubt myself but sometimes, man, it just feels like the world could care less about what I am.
I see how others fawn all over each other and feel like shit.
I feel a bit sad and down that things could be so much better with people if they would just show a little acknowledgement.
Is it that hard to let onto someone?
Moving on.
Melissa had this to say about Nina’s boyfriend “You shouldn’t have offered to pay for him because he just leeches of Nina….” blah blah blah. True, he does. But why shouldn’t he? She’s always going to be with him? It seems there are no limits to what this guy can do. Not only has he actually cheated on her, but he doesn’t listen to her and he takes all of her money.
He does all that and he still has her. I’m not rich or anywhere near but I have a nice little amount that I’ve built up. This means that I don’t have to scam off people. So my wallet had notes falling out of it…yet I have no-one.
That’s fine because money shouldn’t be the only factor in equating to a successful relationship. But if roles had been reversed, would either of those paid for me to go out that night? I’d like to say yes…but in reality there is not a hope in hell.
And I’ve seen how stingy people can be with money, to the point of greed.
Uggggghhhhhhhh. People eh? What can you do with them?
It’s just bitten me today. I just need to listen to some awesome music now and drift away, hopefully I will awaken and all be at peace again.

Pipping his horn

I love that line from Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind: “Why do I fall in love with every girl that I see who shows me the least bit of attention?”
I groan and chuckle in embarrassment when I realise what I’m doing.
I remember one week in particular when Denise had joined work. I started talking to her and immediately started to ponder the thought of us together…
Scenarios of 6 months down the line were conjured up in my head and I couldn’t gain control of my thoughts. The next day we didn’t talk and I went home feeling rejected!? The following day I’d been sat next to Sally and I thought that maybe this was someone who I could be with. Then the same happened with her the next day…and then after that it happened with Sonya and Nina, and this was all in the space of one week. I’d been to hell and back just talking to these girls!
What I take pleasure in shooting down is my ego when it starts to inflate itself. I start to believe these women would really want me because…why wouldn’t they?
Then when the situation self destructs I suddenly realise “What the hell was I thinking!?”
I bring this up as today I was sat with Melissa and we were getting along pretty well, and eventually, as she was talking, I stared at her and the infamous words of that Dr Dre and Snoop dog song came to my head.
“I just wanna fuck you”
But it was more than that, I started to consider what it would be like if Melissa was my girlfriend. And then, right on schedule, my ego kicked in and I thought this girl really did like me!
Of course after a few hours passed I realised, there was no chemistry, just friendliness.
To tell you the truth I’m great at being pals with girls but I just cannot convert that into anything remotely intimate.
Since I joined work it has been a discovery of woman.
Short ones
Tall ones
Fat ones
Thin ones
Young ones
Old ones
Gorgeous ones
Not so gorgeous ones
I’ve loved it all really and I like how it has changed me. But what does a guy have to do to get a blowjob?
Ok that was crass, but seriously, I would just love to have a girlfriend right now.

Reminiscing about the club, I must be losing my mind

It’s scary when you see a trait of one of your parents, in yourself, that you don’t particularly like. My dad has a tendency to go into a weird, quiet zone where he barely talks at all. It usually occurs when he’s feeling under pressure or angry. It is a repulsive trait because it kills any good atmosphere. I slipped into this zone yesterday before I went out with Nina.
So how was last night?
I enjoyed it. I love bar/club hopping.
Nina’s b/f couldn’t afford to come out at first. I’d caught a train ride with him a few hours before and y’know we always get on well, so I offered to pay him out for the night.
He called me a few hours later when I was on the way home sating he was on his way out but I said “Dude, I’ going home now. Should have called me 2 hours ago.”
And what can I say about Nina hu? She was drunk as shit.

From the rocks to rock solid

I was wrong to think I could handle it and even though it makes me sick to my stomach to admit it I just can’t deny it any longer.
Tonight I’ll be setting off with Nina and her boyfriend to go into town and the thought of seeing those two together just gets to me.
It will be the third time in short succession that we’ve met up and while I get on with him…and I just don’t feel comfortable when they are together in my presence.
It was OK before when there relationship was on the rocks because I tried to show that I was a Ok with it.
But now their relationship is solid as a rock out of nowhere. My guess is that she was tempted to break up with him but after nearly doing so she realised how much she cared for this guy and how much she would be throwing away.
She had just told me what a great time she’d had last night with him and it was not as though she was bragging, she was just genuinely enthusiastic. I went to the downstairs toilet at work and stared at the mirror just thinking “What the hell am I doing?”
It’s felt like a shit day though…it certainly contains the symptoms of a shit day. The first call I had was an absolute nightmare and it was downhill from there.
I couldn’t wait to get home and have a sleep and listen to some music.

Aches and pains

We turned up for football last night and only 6 of us were there. We could of played 3 v 3 but a couple of the lads didn’t want to bother. Great.
I decided to go to the pub with 2 of them and shoot a couple games of pool. It was no substitute, I was brimming with energy and I had no where to waste it.
So that was last night. Great.
Yey the London 2012 bid was won! Hopefully the attention on sport in this country will pick up at grass roots level.
2012, long time away isn’t it?
I’ll be 27!
Getting older opens so many doors for a person ,as it should do, but it also presents its fair share of new stresses.
You can practically go anywhere you want without having to answer to anyone. The thing I’ve found the most complicated aspect of growing up to be is relationships with people. It was great when we were little and all you had to say was “Wanna be my friend?” They wouldn’t always say yes, but there was a good chance. Now there are all different types of clicks and niches. Certain people can’t be seen to hang around with certain other people etc.
Bet, our new supervisor, knows Nina quite well and she said today that she got the impression, after talking with Nina, that if it weren’t for her boyfriend…we would already be together.
“Why what did she say?” I enquired.
“I’ve already said too much...haha” She replied.
I already knew we could have been. Should have been. Would have been. But ultimately…are not.
I look back and wonder If I’d have only done certain things differently, but I know that deep down I always had the best intentions in whatever course of action I took. And for that, I rid myself of guilt. I look at the situation and wonder how other influences steered us in separate directions. The fact that she had her exams at the critical time and took a few weeks off work. That kind of thing ruins momentum. The fact that when she came back recently she said she might be breaking up with her boyfriend and while that did not sound too definite, on another day maybe she would have taken that final jump?
I worry about these certain occurrences, because they sound a lot like the occurrences that I thought prevented me from getting to know Sonya better. I mean is it always going to be this way? Any chance of deep personal relationships with a female are to be thwarted by timely occurrences?
Yes it does worry me when I think about it.
A few months ago I had started reading this thread: http://www.moviecodec.com/topics/2420p84.html
I was feeling very lonely and felt slightly better when knowing there were hundreds of people who mirrored my feelings. It is quite scary to see that it has built up to 84 pages. 84 pages of people who are feeling so bad that they actually submitted to an anonymous website in some hope of expression of these dark feelings.
What is hard for these people, and myself at times, is that essentially we are good people and have been blessed to live in a society that provides for our needs so therefore we feel guilt on top of everything else.
Ah well that’s life.

"That's life, that's what all the people say.
You're riding high in April,
Shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune,
When I'm back on top, back on top in June.
I said that's life, and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks,
Stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down,
'Cause this fine ol' world it keeps spinning around
I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate,
A poet, a pawn and a king.
I've been up and down and over and out
And I know one thing:
Each time I find myself, flat on my face,
I pick myself up and get back in the race.
That's life
I tell ya, I can't deny it,
I thought of quitting baby,
But my heart just ain't gonna buy it.
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try,
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd flyThat's life
That's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cutting out
But my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothing shakin' come this here july
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball and die
My, My"

Zonal marking

Oooops
I always scoffed at that term “friend zone”
I never believed it to be true as I thought differing circumstances would create different emotions in someone but now I feel as though I may have been burned into this friend zone without even realising.
For example, Sally.
I had a big crush on her for about a year without any reciprocation of those affections. So I was always in the friend zone. Then there is Yvonne who I never felt anything for other than friendship….hence, she was in the friend zone.
So those tow are cut and dry.
Then we have Nina. I have now dropped in her friend zone…how do I know? Well, she talks about her boyfriend, before she never even mentioned him. And it’s just a general feeling I have.
Now that arrogant cock, Nick, told me 4 months ago in the middle of a nightclub at 2am that he had a plan for getting together with Melissa.
And this past week I have noticed her showing more than just affection for him.
So his plan worked!
Well done Nick, screw her once, screw her twice…cheat on her and get another girl.
Modern culture ladies and gentlemen

I bet you're wondering how i knew

I would hope James appreciates what he has. I’m sure he does….who wouldn’t?
I was sat quite far away from the two of them and initially I didn’t see either of them. I suspected they might be here but I wasn’t sure. About half an hour later I recognise them. James is sat next to his long term girlfriend…Sonya.
I couldn’t help but watch them for a few seconds.
She came over later and we hugged and small talked for 5 minutes.
I can’t begin to explain how much I will miss this person. I may see her for 5 minutes every now and then but it does not compare to working with her.

Happy days will drown the pain

I reckon Louis is similar to me. We were watching Live 8 tonight and whereas I envied the people in the crowd, Louis thought a lot of the songs sucked.
We have a lot of similarities in personality. He also likes his own space and his own routine. He still lives at home despite going to university.
The difference between us however is that he loves that lifestyle and it suits him down to the ground. I’m not quite as enamoured with it.
Saying that, I expect one of these days I will ring him up but he will be too busy with his new girlfriend. That’s how these things go.
As Paul McCartney performed the long and winding road couples in the audience were swaying and I felt an intense envy throughout my soul. I keep having visions every now and then of a busy place, a town or city, and on the deserted outskirts of this place, a dusty road leads away to the horizon and on this dusty road is a sign. This sign is either a bus stop or some kind of alert post and leaning against this post is a figure by himself in this vast wasteland.
I really feel as though I am that figure. I keep looking back towards the city with jealousy and self pity. I keep wondering why there isn’t any bus travelling my way that can take me to this city. And I keep wondering how the hell I ended up here.
It’s just an image though.
The part of me wanting to do social work training from September is the part of me that does not want lounge about in self pity, but instead wants to have a more positive outlet.
I get so over-faced because I just feel like no-one will ever care about me outside my family and it scares me to death. I don’t need to know tons and tons of people but I would just really like to be able to see someone on a night who I didn’t have to say a word to and I could just get an affectionate hug off. I’d like to wake up in the morning and give someone a kiss to remind myself why I’m getting up.
But mostly I just want someone to live life with. Someone I can be passionate with, someone I can have memories have….someone who will care about me.
Gee I dunno, where is this ride going next?

At work

I wish I was going to one of the concerts this weekend.
Sad face.