Are we too blind to see?

Drink is a funny old thing. When I've got drunk before i never noticed the benefits, yesterday i did however. I thought "what the hell am i going to talk to Aaron about" but after a couple of pints, i slipped into conversation. I can see why a lot of people like it...everyone wants to feel confident and relaxed right? what i need is to go out with some people at work, get a bit smashed and hit on Sally. I've accepted the fact that i just cannot relax around her sober....god, I'm like a dog with a bone-r(cheap, i know), i just can't stop fussing about her. We were e-mailing each other at work, and she didn't send me an e-mail for 20 minutes, and i felt the rage, confusion and paranio build inside of me. And i couldn't do anything about it, the harder i try the worse it gets....bah i don't know what to do. When Sam leaves, I'll be less nervous about approaching her, i don't know why but i will.

"Vive le fcuk"
I saw a lad who was 15 wearing one of these t -shirts, he had a big smile on his face and was showing it off...the twat. To quote John Gregory "If i'd have had a gun, I'd of shot him"
Sometimes i can be brutal. When Emile Heskey ran 40 yards to foul Zidane, and consequently give a goal away. If i had been in the stadium i would have run on the pitch and stabbed him in his fat head.

"And while I can think, while I can talk, While I can stand, while I can walk, While I can dream, please let my dream come true, right now, let it come true right now....Oh yeah"

I want God to read this blog, and use divine intervention to force Sally to love me, lol....aww please God, be a mate.

Thanks again computer

I just lost another part of a blog….a page full!!!! Fucking Microsoft word
I just rambled on about how I cherish relationships and old bonds with people. Fucking word.
Anyways, I’m only worried about 1 thing today. Dave, from work. The guy was a total prick on Saturday and he’s working today and tomorrow. He’s like that guy from the first Rocky film. No, not Apollo Creed. Rocky is working as a loan shark, collecting debts and after he chases that guy at the docks he gets in a car with his boss. Now the bosses mate is a total dick head, who is always sniping at Rocky…this is what Dave is like. And as Rocky’s boss says “Some guys, they hate for no reason”.
Guys who hate for no reason are turds, the lowest form of low and y’know what…I hate them too.
So that’s all I want to say, I’m sorry I couldn’t get the rest of the blog up. Fucking word. Never mind, I’ll write it up some other time.

On the verge

I’ve played some pool and had a few pints this aft, I’m in that silly faze…but I just want you to know…I stuck with my plan! I could have said no to Aaron but I said yes!

Someone at college said to me about 6 months ago “I used to be like you, running away”. It’s true, but before I go off into a big rant about how incapable I am, I need to stop, reassess and take positive action.

So here goes:

I have a social anxiety and a fear of losing independence.
I struggle to talk in front of groups of people, therefore I’m reluctant to put myself in the spot-light.
I had Ben round my neck for so long that now I shun any potential new friends because I don’t want to be trapped again.
So the positive action I need to take is the direct opposite of my first instinct. If someone invites me out, if someone asks a favour of me, basically if people want to be in my life…I let this happen. So if any of these come up I’m just going to say yes, without any thought.

It’s OK to blog thoughts down and to run around in circles pretending you have beaten you’re fears, when in reality you have done nothing of the sort, the next step is action….I enroll at college next week and Sam is having a big leaving party. I intend to throw myself into these events with 100% gusto. Talking and thinking will get you so far, but action is the only thing that can change a situation.

If you are reading this and think I’m a complete retard, try to remember that a lot of people have the same fears and anxiety’s as I do, and I haven’t been doing anything to change that. But before I didn’t want to change, now I really do.
I don’t want sympathy for it, and I don’t deserve it, we all have our own battles to fight. I may be incapable in that aspect of my life, but in others I have been well taken care of. I saw a quote recently that sums it up for me.
“You miss 100% of the shots you never take”
Kind of like Leeds then, but you get the idea…

This train don’t stop there anymore

I got through my nightmare shift, it was long and I hated nearly every minute. Dave made it especially uncomfortable, I was the butt of all his jokes, for 4 hours. The twat.
I never used to feel like this…lonely. Not even 6 months ago, its something that has built up in me. I remember being OK by myself, I’m an only child anyway so I’m used to it. But more and more these days I’m just sick of having no-one. I’m fed up of waking up alone, I’m fed up of having no-one to talk to early in the morning, I’m fed up of taking breaks at work alone and I‘m fed up of life alone. This week I said I felt better about things, which is true…I do, but I can’t effect other people’s actions, I can’t make a girl attracted to me. After work was finished everyone was jumping in their cars with everyone else and driving off to their fantastic social lives no doubt, I just walked off with guess who, yup that’s right...no-one!
http://www.cs.umd.edu/~akhella/images/lonely.jpg
On a brighter note, the Olympics was fantastic, the games have really impressed me.

Marathon

Tomorrow I do a full time shift at work, 8 hours long. I’m shitting myself. I don’t know how I got duped into doing it. Yoko begged me, and since I agreed and can’t back out of it, she hasn’t said one word to me. I’m never doing it again for anyone.

“Don’t do anyone a favour until they do you one first”

The past, the past, oh my god it's the past!

I haven’t thought about Sally this week. She hasn’t been in at work so maybe that has something to do with it. But to tell you the truth I think I reached the end of my obsession. It got to a point where I was being completely unrealistic about her. I mentioned before that the image I made of her was different from the real deal, I just needed something to cling on to.
Dane has started hanging around our area again. We used to be friends but I always felt he was plotting my downfall. I didn’t say anything to him and he didn’t say anything to me, I was relieved…I don’t want him back in my life, I don’t want that pressure. It’s like the situation with Ben, why try and connect to the past all the time? Why try to re-create what has already gone? I’m not interested in doing that, there are too many bad memories and the bottom line is, the future is so much brighter. The nastiness from my second school is slowly drifting away from me, I’m finally exorcising all that yukiness. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of barriers to knock over, but I feel as though I’m starting to revolt at last.
Some of the people at work are really awesome. Last night was great, had a laugh all the way through. I understand Michael Jackson when he says he gets on with people either side of his age group, I am definitely like that. All my friends at work are in their 20’s, 30’s or even 40’s. Not everyone at work is great, but there are many a gem of people down there. Some of them have such a balanced look at life, whether its maturity that has granted this I’m not sure but they seem to be able to accept any type of person. There are others of course, like Sam and Sally who like a strict type of character I.E dull. You can’t say wacky things to them or they think you’re “not cool”, and quite frankly I NEED to say wacky things.
I’m currently watching bad lads…aren’t they sensitive?
I consider myself a lonely person, Sally said I was a loner last week. She’s right I am, but I’m dealing with it….hopefully it won’t be forever.

“Is you’re heart filled with pain? Shall I come back again? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight…”

I should be sleeping like a log, not typing a blog!

I’ve felt a little stronger this week, my faith in people partly renewed. It’s funny, you go on any message board and pour out a message about how life stinks, and there is always someone out there in this world that will put the effort in to reply with a thoughtful and supportive message. They don’t know you and they don’t’ receive any gain from it, yet they still put the effort in. Maybe they do gain something from it?
Sam leaves on the 19th Sep, I’m mixed on his leaving. Sometimes he seems like a great friend and other times he seems the opposite. I resent him slightly, a lot of his character traits I don’t like, yet i wish I had them when I see the results he has. Other people have left work and not a word has been muttered, when he leaves…something will be lost at , a big part of it will be gone. Its like Man UTD with Roy Keane, and then Man UTD without Roy Keane. He will stick in my memory for a long time, the good and the bad. Sally adores him, I don’t blame her…he really has got it all. The looks, personality, intelligence, physique etc he’s shook up the call centre so much, no-one saw him coming….he’s a force of nature, when he comes into work everyone looks over in anticipation. I remember being in a training room exactly a year ago, and us two doing anything but actually learning, it was a great time though…I was so nervous I wouldn’t pass the exam but he said “Don’t worry you will”…and I did
It feels like work will collapse when he goes, footy will stop being arranged and everyone will grow apart. So less than a month before her goes, I don’t know if I will ever see him again after the 19th but his effect on work will not be forgotten.
Leeds beat Huddersfield, so I’ll rub that in to Steve tomorrow, I can’t wait to see that smug face crumble before me. Mwuhahaha. Ahem.
The Beatles. I’m listening to them, they are good, no doubt about it….I love good music, from Elvis to Nirvana to Coldplay to Eminem to Michael Jackson. I’d like to think I have a wide range of music taste…except for house music. Sorry but ugh.

All my brothers walk hand in hand tell me why...

Grrrr, I just lost half a blog I’d been typing up, I can’t be bothered to re-type it so I’ll think of something new.
I want to write something a bit lighter than what I have been doing. Whenever I think I can shed the negativity in my life, and throw away the old me….a part of me is hesitant. I don’t want to be Mr Happy, who is so ignorant of the bad in life that he just annoys everyone, I want to be realistic but more happy in myself. The best poetry I write is usually when I’m feeling my worst, such as the poem that will be published, it’s a dark poem….its born out of sadness and frailty. I’ve written poems when I’m feeling happier and they just don’t have the same effect, they seem bland and trivial and when I look at them, I shudder because they are nothing. The poetry I read is also of darker subjects, death, depression, loneliness etc. When I read a poem about the summer or about a pet rabbit, there is no connection…sure I can admire the technical skill but not the emotion.
I’m scared of resigning this part of me, he’s been with me since I became a teenager…self-consciousness, depressed, angst, low self esteem, laziness, self pity, loneliness, shyness. You could say all of these attributes I have shown over the years, and last year I was set with them, not even wanting to change. But like I said in an earlier blog, a burning desire is growing, a willingness to throw out the old. I’m just held back for now, but slowly the shell is hatching and I’ll be ready to emerge and take the world head-on….
“Trust yourself. Think for yourself. Act for yourself. Speak for yourself. Be yourself. Imitation is suicide”
Trust yourself, I like that….after all, you are in control of your own actions and as a lot of people have told me “its all about looking after number 1”. I am a selfish person, I haven’t visited my Grandma since she got diagnosed with cancer, my uncle is down stairs but I can’t be bothered to say hi, I’m just not interested in doing so. When I feel good about things, I suddenly become more receptive to other people, they start to exist again. A lot of the time however, I just think “I can’t be arsed, you’ve got problems, I’ve got problems…big deal” and its not like other people are rushing to my aid anyway, no-one visits me…old friends don’t stay in touch, there’s only Ben who has ever reached out.

But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game play Cause when we die we know were all going the same way - Eminem, Rock Bottom

First minute, first round

25th May 1965, Mohammed Ali has just knocked down Sonny Liston. The shot captures Ali standing over his victim, letting him know exactly who just knocked him down. Ali’s face is confidence and controlled aggression personified, Sonny lays on his back, simply defeated. The crowd are aware of the magnificence they have seen, quite simply…the greatest.
What makes somebody great? How does someone become legendary? There is a style, an innovation of how these people went about their lives. They didn’t stroll through life, they didn’t duck opportunities, no situation fazed them and no man scared them.
I want to attain this. I’m not for one second saying I could become legendary or great, but I want their utter belief in their own souls. I had a chat with my parents tonight, I got a few things off my chest about how I was feeling, I always unload upon them every few months or so. Its been a dodgy 3 years, I’ve been up and down, mostly down, and all within the confines or my room, work and college.

“Keep fighting, for tomorrow may be a better day”

Knocked out

In a way I’ll be glad when Sam has left work. He’s too loved, he’s too popular. He’s always the centre of attention, not a joke falls flat, not an embarrassing moment occurs. He talks to Mary, an older woman…they get on and she can’t wait to see him next. He talks to Len, a 20 year old popular guy himself, and he can’t wait to talk to Sam again. I asked someone about this and its because Sam is charming, warm and very funny. Whereas I, am as charming as a rusty nail, as warm as an ice cube and as funny as Hitler. Why sugar-coat it? I know what everyone thinks of me…
I observed Sam this morning, all the girls that went over to him had a big smile on there faces…they actually wanted to be in his presence. There seems to be one rule for some and another rule for others. Mark who recently joined, joked to me about dumb and dumber (that awesome Jim Carrey film), then this girl Kate asked what he was laughing at, and he said “dumb and dumber, have you seen it?” I fully expected Kate to give Mark a negative reaction, but instead she was intrigued and asked him what it was like. Why am I shocked she choose this response? Rewind 1 month, I was on about Ace ventura and she asked what I was banging on about, so I told her….and do you know what reaction I got? She looked as if id just whipped my dick out and slapped it in front of her.
So what is the deal? I just don’t understand, my intentions with people are pure…I try to be a friendly person but people seem to dislike that. I am a woman repellent and it aggravates me when I see them flocking to Sam, he has them all wrapped around his little finger, when he leaves they will be mourning his loss, when I leave half of them won’t say bye.
That’s something else I’ve noticed as well, when someone leaves to go home at night I say bye to them, when I leave, no-one bothers saying anything. I’m struggling to see the advantages of being a decent person here, why should I bother caring anymore?
Sally says to me last night “I’m doing an all nighter” so I was on MSN a bit longer than normal, but It got to 12:30 and she started giving it “You should get some sleep ya know”…she couldn’t wait to get rid of me, so I asked her what she was doing…she was talking to Phil, another guy from work who was starting just as early as me the next day, she didn’t tell him to get some sleep though.
I’ve got 3 posters in front of me. Kurt Cobain, Ali and Tony Montana….these 3 icons all represent a part of me that wants to break out. I want to be as open as Kurt was with his ideas and thoughts, I want to be as strong and as competitive as Ali and sometimes I want to be a bit of a bastard like Tony Montana. As I right this I feel this part of me inside, waiting to explode. But I catch a glimpse of my reflection and realise I am none of these men, I’m just Alex….a nothing

Oh me

I talked to Ben on MSN last night. The first time in a year, I think I know why he got in contact with me again. His girlfriend cheated on him and he’s quit his college course, I think he wanted to visit last year with us two walking down the field cursing life. Even so, it was nice talking to him…we immediately clicked, and its probably the deepest conversation I’ve had with anyone for months. I still feel as though he’s the only person who understands how I feel about certain things. It seemed he wanted to kick start the friendship again but I’m not ready for that, I’m too weary of him.
Sally came on MSN last night as well. I tried to be upbeat and bubbly, but we just didn’t really connect. She only responded to me with one word answers, and after 10 minutes the conversation had fizzled out. I guess we are just too different and it hurts to think that we won’t have a deeper relationship, but that’s everyone I meet nowadays…nothing but a few laughs, nothing real. And there’s Ben, waiting to be a mate, and I’m shunning him.
I can’t tell you how screwed up I feel, ya know what me and Ben really wanted? We just wanted girlfriends and to be on our way in a career. We never wanted to hurt anyone, we never wanted to make anyone unhappy….we were one of the few people in our 2nd School who didn’t take the piss out of others. We want to live in a rosy world basically, it’s unrealistic but that’s what we will always be searching for.

Bye bye bye

Ben called me tonight. My mum answered and I told her to say I was at work. I haven’t talked to him in over a year since I cut him out. My stomach is all over the place now, I wish he hadn’t of called….should I call him back? For all his faults, he was one of the few people who understood exactly how I felt. We battled through the hardest times of our lives together, we were always outsiders…but outsiders together. How many true friends do you get in a lifetime? There are people I know, but he was one of the few people I really knew.
I need Sally to come on MSN tonight, I need us to connect, we don’t have to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but I want to be close with her, I want to share things with her. If I leave work or she does, I wants us to care enough about each other to really stay in touch, I want to know her the rest of my life. I’m begging God to build a bridge between us. She doesn’t realise how much I rely on her, if she’s at work I’m already more excited about going. I light up every time I see there’s a message waiting for me from her, and if she didn’t exist I’d feel like there was no-one to look forward to.

Bronze balls

I’m waiting for my new credit card, the guy said 3-5 days, it should have arrived today….where is it? Maybe some dude has found it and is using it to fund his drug habit? I’ll ring the bank tomorrow and get a rush on it, but their so unhelpful that they will just try to fob me off with “A computer error”. More and more people in public services are becoming less helpful, even when I dislike a customer I still try to sound like I want to help them, but every time I ring through to someone they sound as if they will die if they indulge in conversation.
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for? Ah, that classic Lionel Ritchie song. It seems a lot of us ask this question, we depend on someone depending on us sometime during our life. It’s nice to be wanted, it feels good to be asked to the party, I’ve always considered myself void of this. A great Rambo quote sums it up “You’re asked to the party but it doesn’t matter if you show up”, I swear I don’t know if other people feel like this but I really do feel as though I’m supposed to go through life by myself. Who knows what the future holds though?…but that’s starting to sound a bit cliché isn’t it.

I need a break from work, I cannot stand this routine anymore, it feels like Japanese torture…you don’t feel the pain straight away but it builds up slowly.

Argh, I’ve got to stop thinking negatively…what can I write positive? GB got a bronze medal, that makes 3 medals right? Wow, they need to slow down, they might actually get a gold medal. Everyone loves to bitch at how bad the UK is at sports when something bad happens, I guess were all just tired of not winning, I know I am.

Get up off of that thing

Talking to Sean yesterday made me think about all the possible messes you can get into in life. Sean ended up in jail for a few weeks due to a kidnapping about 2 years ago. When he first told me I thought “No way, this guy is one of the safest people I know” but as he told me the story I could see how these things can turn out. Sean had a friend whose sister had run off with this other guy, so Sean’s friend wanted to get her back, he organised with Sean and a couple of other friends to pay this guy a visit. They went up to his house and this other guy went crazy, he somehow managed up in their car and the guys dad found out and called the police saying they’d kidnapped his son. Sean and his friends had a word with this guy and were going to let him until his dad turns up with a knife and starts threatening Sean. The police arrive on the scene and arrest Sean and his mates. It was also Sean’s car, he was the only one who could drive and that was the reason Sean’s friend asked him to help him out. Sean was looking at 5 years in jail until he paid the father of the boy £3,000 to drop charges.
The problem Sean now faces is he has a criminal record and is out of pocket. All because someone wanted him to drive a car. There’s no way of me finding out if this is true or not, Sean may have played a bigger role, but trust me….he does not seem that kind of guy.
I’ve never been through anything like that in my life and I wouldn’t want to but it puts into perspective my version of a difficult life. You cannot be a pussy in this world, you need to be thick skinned and be prepared to fight some battles. A lot of people my age have no idea what its going to be like when we are 30, when we are completely independent and living on our own…I certainly have no idea, I just hope to be ready for the transition.

The boss

The start of another week is upon us again and the usual stresses are present. At the beginning of the week it seems everything is clear, relaxed and positive but as the week progresses it usually gets bogged down in some kind of anxiety. People generally upset my week, I don’t intend to make myself unhappy by Saturday but it always seems to drift that way. Maybe that’s a tad over-dramatic, I’m just a bit negative about work lately because I can’t get away from it, I don’t want to quit I just want a holiday.
I’m looking forward to starting the English course, I’m nervous about it, but relived that I have found something I actually want to do. Whether it leads anywhere remains to be seen but I’m almost sure this is what I want to do. I take a look around and there are so many people my age and older unenthusiastic about the career choices they have made, they just seem to be putting up with it.
What balance makes a person truly happy? A good relationship and career? Money? A big house and car? I myself can be happy in a moment playing championship manager or listening to my favourite music, but other times I could explode with disappointment about my situation. I’m still figuring people out, and just when I think I’ve cracked it something happens to blow all my conclusions out of the water.
I’m doing pretty crappy on championship manager as well, I managed Barcelona and won 3 European cups and 4 league titles, but I resigned because it wasn’t a challenge anymore. I then managed Newcastle which went really well, but I got poached by Inter Milan…after a disastrous 2 years there I left and joined West Ham, I got them promoted but got sacked a year later…I was on the managerial merry-go-round and started to make self-deprecating appearances on they thinks all over, before I got the Sheff Wed job…and now I cannot win a single fucking game
Champ man game hint of the day: Don’t resign from a team that just won everything!

Please release me....let me go!!!!!

Sam had a problem with Sally today. For some reason she wouldn’t sit next to him, Sam’s an adult he can accept that, but the way she rejected him annoyed him. I didn’t hear it fully but it was something like “No way am I sitting next to you, I wanna get on with my work”. So me and Sam spent parts of the morning bitching on about Sally, and when she confronted Sam later he just laughed at her and started talking to me, Sally knew we were laughing at her…I think.
I saw an episode of cheers yesterday where Frasier started to poke fun at Diane because she wouldn’t go on holiday with him. Was I doing the same thing? Maybe, but I just wanted to bring her down…she, as Sam said, thinks the world revolves around her. She needs to be opened up, at the moment she has her credit card and driving lessons to satisfy her needs. She’s at Uni, but doesn’t want to work afterwards, she wants to live off her husband. I look at her and I see a product, a hairstyle, the latest fashion item….but where is Sally? I feel as though there is beautiful person beneath all these false layers and somehow I want to bring this out…but does that side of her even exist?
Why would she open up to me? I’m not any kind of example, I’m a recluse so I shouldn’t expect change. I can see it going two ways for Sally, she meets that special person and lives a happy life or she doesn’t and ends up a bitter woman because she’ll look back and realise all the money, the cars and the clothes don’t mean that much when all is said and done.
As for myself, I have to realise that pettiness on my behalf isn’t going to change a damn thing… I have to be more constructive, at the end of the day I still care for her…why be a dick?

Say hello to fate

There was a moment at work tonight. A moment in which I saw my cousin, uncle and aunty all at once. These 3 of my blood relations are over 30, never been in a relationship and are living alone. They were never destined to find anyone and are resigned to the fact that their lives are just their own. They do or they will have sat up for hours questioning the justice of a world that has not allowed them to meet someone, they have not been giving that privilege. My biggest fear is that I will join their ranks, I’m not seeing any evidence to prove to the contrary. Time concerns me, people say “just have fun”…well that’s what they told my cousin, they told him it would just happen. But we live in a world where it doesn’t just have to happen and he has ended up with nobody. I wonder why fate shines upon some people, why is it that one person can find someone and another person will never find anyone?
In jobs, money etc, not everyone can have the same thing….that’s fine, I can accept that because at least it is in you’re hands. But surely everyone deserves to meet that special someone, my cousin deserves to, as do my uncle and aunty, surely they have the right to have met someone.
Yesterday as I left work for the second time Sally thanked me for the McDonald’s, in a glancing second as she faced me, everything slowed down and I’ve just been replaying this to myself over and over. Her tone of voice and the expression on her face seemed genuinely caring, in that passing moment I felt togetherness with her. But I go to work tonight and its all bullshit….
I said we could never get together, I said we wouldn’t get together and I said we will never get together, but I still wanted to believe that under different circumstances she would be interested, I needed to know that. But again tonight she proved her disinterest. Bugger I thought as I trailed home, rain drizzling and mud all over my boots, I looked back and saw her leaving with a couple of friends, if I died tomorrow….she wouldn’t think twice

Here we are now, entertain us

What memories will occupy my head in another 20 years? I can remember so many highs and lows from yester-years, memories I wouldn’t give up for anything. I remember what I saw and felt about staring school. I cried when my mum left me, and for some reason the teachers had to take pictures of everyone. I saw mine a few years later and I looked really upset. I remember being scared, scared of the other kids, deep down I was worried they would reject me, but as time progressed and things changed, that school became an institution in my life.

I’m frightened of looking back in another 20 years and not having the same magnitude of memories. The years seem to pass as if merely weeks, with only a few noticeable pit stops i.e Birthdays and Christmas. I’m very conscious of time and I don’t feel that bad about it when it comes to things such as a career, money or possessions, these you build up over a life time. Time in relationships is more concerning, we seem to be getting colder as a society. I know so many people in broken relationships and people who have chosen to live alone for the rest of their lives. What has brought people to this? I see a boyfriend and girlfriend barely talk to each other, there is no warmth between them, yet they still masquerade in a relationship. I would never want that…maybe a life of solitude awaits? I’m finding it harder to see inspiration in relationships when I look around and everyone seems unhappy, it seems the best part of a relationship is just before they get together, when everything is new and the anticipation of being with this person exceeds that of the reality.

I don’t think I’ve seen enough of the world myself to pass judgment. I’m sure there are lots of happy relationships out there, and maybe deep down I’m just disappointed because of my own situation.

“You haven’t lived until you’ve loved”

Well I’m waiting! There seems to be the type of men who just want sex and a type of men that don’t mind all the other side e.g talking, maybe I’ve got to try and become less demanding…maybe I should just get drunk and try and get laid, with no other thought in my head. Ah I dunno, just wait and see…

Amazes me the will of instinct

The song “If you’re not the one” by Daniel Bedingfield contains a few lines which really sum up how I feel about Sally.
“I hope you are the one I share my life with”
“If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?”
“And I wish that you could be the one I die withAnd I praying you’re the one I build my home with”
“Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath awayAnd I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or rightAnd though I can’t be with you tonightAnd know my heart is by your side”
After that long rant yesterday about the ifs and buts of my friendship with Sally, today fate would again throw another card into the pile (what???)
I leave work at 12:30, and as I’m packing up Sally walks over and starts chatting. She says she is having lunch at 1:00 and we can have it together. Hmmmm, ok but what about Yoko? You always have it with Yoko? Apparently that didn’t matter today. Since I was finishing work I said I would run up to MacDonald’s and grab us both something, and pay for it, and bring it back down to work. So I set off and grab the meals and as I’m holding 2 cokes in one hand and fries and burgers in the other I can’t help but think “You mug”. So I go back down to work and wait ages for her to come outside and start eating. She tells me not to rush so she can have someone to eat with, and she even offers to pay her share. So we talk and eat for about 20 minutes, all the while I’m trying to make a good impression of myself and all the time I’m aware I just feel something about this girl. When I meet people, sure I’m interested to know about them, but with Sally I just want to know more and more, and I can remember little things she has told me 6 months before, things she can’t even remember. Another girl at work, Liz…we could go out at the click of my fingers, if I asked her she would say yes. I’m not being arrogant, its just I could guarantee she would go for it. I wouldn’t ask her though, I’m not attracted to her at all…maybe this is how Sally feels about me?
I received a letter which called me a V.I.P…hehe, if they only knew me! It’s that poetry thing, they want me to submit a few lines of biography for the book they are publishing. That’s something to look forward to.
My mum is reading a book about Angels. Apparently we all have angels and they are ready to help us, we only need to ask. I know what I’m asking for…
Yes that’s right….a 42inch plasma screen with cine sound! Get in.

It is now a duty

My crush on Sally seems to have become something other than what it started out as. Hmmm.
At first she was just a girl I was attracted to, and I as I found out later due to religion etc nothing could ever happen between us. But my crush will not go away, I keep thinking about if we were to go out on a date, what it would be like to kiss her and all the things we could do together. In my head I have built up an idealistic Sally, the perfect gal. The reality is that she is anything but perfect. I don’t get on as well with her as I do Helen and a lot of the time we seem like two completely different people. If you told me to jot down characteristics in someone’s personality that I desire, there wouldn’t be any of hers there. She can be sarcastic, moody, aggressive, loud and ignorant i.e not desirable.
It seems as though this crush has become part of a routine, something to keep my brain occupied with. When I go to work, I’m not worrying about what possible situations may arise, I’m thinking “I wonder if I’ll get to know Sally better” and when I get into to work I always take a look around to she if she is already there. It’s a very fake crush, asif something to pass the summer with. I’ll be at work everyday through the summer so I need something to think about…right? Its just short of a month before I enroll at college, I’m not going away on holiday so there is nothing that interesting going to be happening, so I have to create something….a crush.
I’m thinking about leaving work, its been good for me but sometimes you need to change the canvas on which to paint. I’m thinking about getting a modern apprentiship. I want a qualification in something basic, something I can fall back on. The beauty of going on a night time course is that my days are still free to do whatever I want. I’d like to know that in a few years in the English didn’t work out, I have other options. Work is changing now anyway, people are leaving and new starters are arriving, there were herds of them yesterday and it becomes quite intimidating.
We lost at footy last night…..6-0 and Leeds lost. Boo-hoo

The sun is gone, but i have a light

I enroll at college next month. I’m going to do an English A-level night course. I’d do it during the day, but I simply cannot stand the regime of being at college all day. The last full time day course I went on, there were too many 16 year olds who had just picked that course randomly, they never worked and just disturbed everyone else. Dinner-time lasted an hour and a half, which was completely unnecessary. I ended up just walking round town bored out of my skull. It didn’t feel like an atmosphere of getting some work done, it was more like a hang out and while that may be OK for some, I’m 19 now and I’ve messed about for too long…
Work is interesting, this summer period has been a strange one for us all. We all go to work everyday and a lot of us seem to be feeling bored and frustrated, I look around and everyone seems unsatisfied, or at least they give off that vibe. It doesn’t help that none of us can get any holidays booked, I would like to get a few days off just to break the routine if anything. Its been an odd year working at the call centre, but a very justified year. I’m thankful they gave me the opportunity to work there as I was running out of options this time last year, I’ll cast you’re mind back to last year for a moment…

January 2003. A new year has started. It’s been 7 months since I left college, and during that time I haven’t got a job or nuffin. Me and my mate Ben go down the field everyday complaining at how hard life has been towards us. I turned down 2 full time job offers, much to my parents annoyance. A couple of months pass and decide to end it with Ben, he keeps calling me but I just simply don’t reply. I go to a couple of interviews but a dangerous pattern emerges…I’m not get the jobs offered. Then the big job calls, Barclays bank set up an interview for me, but I get rejected again…now there is nothing, I can’t even get job interviews anymore. Things look pretty bleak until I see an add for a call centre job. I ring them up and the rest is history.

I miss Ben. He was my best friend for about 6 years, no-one understood how I felt in this world except him, because he was going through it too. We both had a difficult time at 2nd school, and we both felt crippled by our experiences there. By the end though, our relationship soured because we were both going no-where and I called it off. His last words to me in person were “Go on, fuck off then”
I passed him in my dads car a month back, he was holding hands with this girl. The first thought through my head was “How the hell did HE get a girlfriend”, but whatever, I just loo back poignantly at our times together.

Who wants to be a millionaire...

It’s been a strange week for my mum. She turned 53 on Thursday, the same day she found out her mother had cancer. I would have wrote about this before but I simply didn’t know what to say. One of the neighbours daughters got married yesterday, and I saw my mum looking out of her bedroom window as the luxury white wedding car pulled up outside my neighbours house. The daughter was wearing a beautiful dress and all their family looked in celebration. Then the mother of the bride came out, tears in her I eyes, she saw my mum at the bedroom window and waved up, my mum hesitantly waved back. My mum brought up the topic about the neighbours daughter getting married every 5 minutes yesterday. My mum is not a complainer and does try to look positively at situations, but yesterday she was heart-broken, it wasn’t her saying goodbye to her daughter on her wedding day. My mum does not have a daughter and this probably compounded to her misery and she will have been reminded that about 25-30 years ago she lost a daughter to cot death.
Tough few days then.

Who knew?

I had a good talk with my dad last night. Got a few things clear in my mind. Since my coarse finished a couple months ago, I seem to have lost touch of my senses. It’s coincided with starting this blog, and after if you have read on of my past entries you can probably see I’ve been going through a yo-yo of emotions. Me and dad hadn’t had a good chat for a while, he’s been extremely busy. He was working from 5 in the morning, coming home at night and then re-furbishing the bathroom until bedtime. But we talked until about 11:45 last night and I got some things straight in my head. My dad said he knew what I was going through and that he himself was quite insecure with things and that he was fighting a constant battle not to run away from life. He just said to me “you always have to fight it”.
I got some college brochures this morning, and they have some excellent evening classes for A-level English. I’ll also visit the career’s department and try to get a modern apprenticeship going.
That’s all I have to say today, I’ll write something more in-depth tomorrow, right now I just want to listen to some great music.

Respect my authority!

Dan, who is one of the technicians at work ripped on me at work last night, I felt hurt at first, he’s been having a go at me over the last few weeks and it had gotten to the point where I was a bit concerned about his attitude.
“You don’t like me do you?” I asked
“Just banter mate” He replied
Then he walked over closer.
“Put it this way, I don’t banter with people I don’t like. Don’t worry about it mate”
Phew. I relaxed and realised that I had been over-sensitive, he wasn’t personally attacking me, he was just joking around. I can accept that, that is fine.
However, Paula i.e she-bitch is just unbelievable. I mentioned her a few posts back, we got along and then we didn’t etc. What my fundamental problem is with her is that she has no respect for some people. She genuinely believes she’s better than most of us at work, she talks down to people, makes people feel like idiots and tries to embarrass anyone who says anything different. I’d go into why she got me so mad this morning but I just cannot be bothered recreating the moment to blog it. What is it with some people? What made them like they are? Why the sarcasm? Why the shallowness? Is she unhappy or what? every time I offer the olive branch she snaps it. I have now reached my limit with her and I refuse to tolerate anymore of her personality. I will simply blank her, until either she quits work or I do.
Apart from that work was fine, Steve gave me his usual “Scum” remark, he won’t be saying that when Leeds batter his Huddersfield Town, they still rely on Andy Booth….ha
I know I can’t brag about Leeds or anything, but only premiership teams fans have the right to lord it over us, so all you lower division fans better watch out, ‘cos if you play Leeds…its gonna be hell.

8 - 0

Week after week. Match after match. We lost. Until one fateful Tuesday night a couple weeks back, I was on the winning team. Since then football has changed, Brian who was the star of the opposition had bragging rights for 2 months, but something strange happened…I could suddenly play football again. For too long I put in pitiful performances and had let Sam down tremendously, I could not control the ball and I couldn’t score a goal and then it all came back to me and we started to win games, thus culminating in our 8 - 0 win last night. We had the perfect blend of skill and effort and we ran through Brian’s team as if they didn’t even exist.

I can’t remember how many times football has saved me. In my second school I would have a been a total geek had it not been for football, even the most popular could muster the words “yea, you’re pretty good”

Justice has been served

Each time the wind blows

My Team manager Adam has quit. He has personal problems and is suffering with depression. It’s a shame because he was a decent bloke, and he bailed me out a couple of weeks ago when a lot of others may have sacked me. I’m not sure who will replace him, I just hope whoever does get the job, they can follow in Adam’s footsteps.
Thank God for Helen. She is one of those people in life you can say anything to and they will just laugh. We sit next to each other at work when we have the chance and it makes my shift so much easier. It’s nice to talk to someone and not have to fill in the conversation with small talk. We just talk openly with each other, we don’t judge and we just have a good laugh. If she wasn’t 25, with two kids and a husband, I would defiantly try and take our relationship further…and I would be brave enough because we are so open!
I just wish I had that relationship with Sally, or someone else who is eligible, because it is a rare thing to meet someone like that. With Sally, we get on but there isn’t that connection when we talk, there is no sense of free-flowing open-mindedness.
Maybe I’m looking to get too much out of a relationship, maybe my vision of a partner doesn’t exist, but I can’t help feeling this way when I talk to Helen and see how free we are with each other compared to the tongue biting conversations with Sally. I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone holding 50% of me back.
Lol, so why am I attracted to Sally?
Answers on a postcard.
Maybe I’m just intrigued by her, maybe I just fancy the way she looks, but whatever it is Sally, I just can’t stop loving you

Thumbing for a ride

Career uh? It seems everyone around me has got a career, or at least in the process. Some of my friends are at university….2 years away from a degree. They all seem to have found what they really want to do in life and they are only 19-20. I’m still deciding what to choose, but nothing stands out. I enjoy writing, whether it be articles, reviews or stories and it’s the closest thing I have to a skill. I know I’m not technically that good but at least the interest is there. A career in journalism is something I would consider going for but there seems to be limited opportunities. I went to a careers councillor last year and asked for information on journalism and any other kind of writing career, we had a look on their systems and there were no opportunities, so I told them to send me out some info when they have it. A year later and I’ve not heard a thing. I just get told the same things over and over “Why don’t you try plumbing ” or “An office job”, if that’s all my life is going to amount to they may as well pull the plug now and that’s no offence to people in those careers, its just not for me.
But then again, what do I want to do? I’ve talked it over with my mum so many times that I’m at a loss. I feel a constant pressure regarding a career, I just don’t know how other people find one thing and it all works out. Or maybe that’s just a front, maybe they are dissatisfied as well.

4 months…

Until Christmas. How can that be? This year has only just started. It’s a brand new month and the height of summer, I’ve had holidays at work rejected 3 times so I won’t be getting any break until about September/October. I’m not upset about it because if I had 2 weeks off now it would be pretty boring anyway, I’d prefer to meet people at work everyday, have a couple of laughs etc. I have real sense of optimism for the future, I feel as though the older I get, the more complete person I become…I know what I do want in life, and I know what I don’t want, its just about laying the foundations down now and striving for my goals.
Some people from my work are going out tonight, I was invited but I declined. This girl at my work, Paula, is a real bitch. She’s good friends with Sally and Yoko, but I just cannot stand her and refuse to spend the evening in her presence. We used to get on before Christmas, then we didn’t get on for a few months, then recently we got on a little bit, but now its to the point where we don’t even say hi to each other, when she sees me she has a look in her eye that says “Not you”. She is just one of those people you meet in life who are just repellent. When she saw me sitting in her area yesterday, she started mumbling things to herself, Sally said “be nice”, she was disappointed Sam wasn’t sitting next to her as they get on like a house on fire, when Sam turns on his materialistic, negative and sniping personality. She reminds me of my childhood best friend Anton, he was always a bit nasty but we still got on….I was a brat towards these kids that used to live in my area. Me and Anton used to run the place, and I was a bit of a bully, something I regret when I look back. But as me and Anton got into our teens we drifted miles apart, if I were to see him now I wouldn’t know what to say to him and if it wasn’t for our past friendship we would dislike each other as much as I do Paula. I’ve had to curb a lot of my annoying tendencies down the years, up to the age of 11 everything went my way and maybe sometimes I took advantage of that, but I was only a kid. I distinctly remember when I was in the playground with one of my friends at the time, Dave, and we got into a fight and the whole playground was chanting for me to win, I wondered how Dave felt, until a few years into my nightmarish second school I got into a fight with another friend Collin and everyone was cheering for him. Its funny how the world turns.
An example that we can all look at is Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson. I’m a fan of them both and in the 80’s they ruled the roost, there were no bigger names in their respective fields and during this period everything they did was successful. But that changed upon entering the 90’s and things slowly went downhill for both men. Jackson still had massive record sales and Tyson still had knockouts, but both got caught up with the law and now in the 00’s it’s hard to say where both these men will end up.
Either way there still legends….