Graduate

It’s new years eve and I have no where to go. But strangely, I don’t feel depressed or angry. The new year brings with it a new optimism. My batteries are refreshed. Since my gran passed away, it did effect me. I not only missed her but It made me think about other aspects of my life. Would I always feel alone?
I’ve met a lot of good people this year, when I look in the context of my situation. I have more hurdles to overcome this year than ever before, but with a bit of courage, hopefully I will jump over them.
“The hero and coward both feel the same, but the coward runs away”

What the difference between me and you?

There’s a scary hierarchy in England. Lets start with the monarchy. The queen, or as Bill Bailey put it…the sponge. Part of our paycheques go to this woman….so she doesn’t have to work herself. That’s ok, because the same happens with SOME lazy beggers on job seekers allowance. But whenever the queen is in town, we are supposed to bend on one knee and all hail our great Queen! Even our national anthem proclaims “God save our gracious queen”….gracious???
Then exists politicians. Where do I begin? The terrible news from Indonesia, all the damage that earthquake has caused, yet our government willingly causes damage like this to Iraq…in the search of some weapons and to eradicate “terrorists”…last time I saw these “terrorists” actually turned out to be “civilians”…
How much relief are we giving to Indonesia by the way?….£15m. That’s quite generous…about 5% of what is spent on armaments, but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
The hierarchy in this country are fucking awful. Including the toffs who live in their country manor houses, provided for by money from the slave trade. I wonder how it feels to be relations of some of the most evil men in history???

Quick, get me my light sabre!

Schools out for summer
Schools out forever
But here comes work!
I’m back at work tomorrow. Some of the people there I just can’t face. Shab is leaving work for good next week. There was a time, when it was really busy at work, that it felt like it was just me and him holding the fort. That seemed to last for months. We discovered new ways of slacking and tried our damndest to take as few calls as possible. I will miss him, but not that much. More of an acquaintance than a friend. Seems all I have is acquaintances, rather than friends.
The more I think about going back, the more nervous I feel. There’s a bad memory everywhere at work, yet at the same time, there are some pretty good ones too. That’s like everywhere in life I guess ….the rough and the smooth.
Something needs to happen with people. I was able to take my interest with English and apply it a course that I really wanted to do. I went out there and got it. Difference with people is, they have free-will. I can’t force people to like me, I can’t force a girl to be attracted to me. Wouldn’t it be much easier if I were just a Jedi knight.
“Will you go out with?”
“No!”
*lifts right hand and sways it in front of the girl*
“You will go out with me”
“Ok”
Think im gonna watch star wars now.

Maybe I should bring him back?

There was a time, when I was online a couple years back. I used an alter-ego called “vice”. He was meant to be a brummie, he was the opposite of everything I am, the opposite of my pathetic existence. I may start writing a blog for him...inside here using blue. So anything written in blue is by vice….understood? I used to chat on msn as this guy, just for a laugh really. I could offend and be as dumb as I wanted.
Yes I think I’ll write as vice occasionally, if only to temporarily erase the mess that is my life…

Power Rangers
I bought my bro a power rangers doll, he’s 18. I thought fuck it, he’s lucky I’m buying him anything. Christmas was a laugh , I got rat arsed again and again, infact, I think I’m still pissed. Jimmy found out his bird was going with this other lad, so a bit of a rumble occurred. I got a few punches in, but I was out of it so I prolly ended up smacking Jimmy.
We beat Middlesbrough yesterday. I think some of their players were high on smog cos they couldn’t kick shit.
I go back to work tomorrow. Im quittin as soon as cos I hate the place. Some lasses there are pretty fit, but the work is shit. I saw Suzan last night, she was wearing a really tight white top and the whole time she was talking to me I was staring at her chest.
“Stop looking at my chest vice!?”
“Don’t wearing that fucking top then”
Silly slapper. Surprised she isn’t pregnant yet, she’s had so many men that cum’s found its way into her bloodstream. I might bang her from time to time but I know not to get attached. Problem with women is they expect too much. They want a Brad Pitt but don’t realise they’ve got no chance when they look like a prostitute with leprosy. A lot of the girls look like that down here. Worth a go if your ever in town though.
I’m off out tonight, I haven’t got any money but I’ll figure it out as I go along

The way i am

Ya know what the worst thing about being a total lonely loser is?
Being too cowardly to end it.
I have nothing worth hanging about for really. My cousin is pretty much the same. He’s 30 and was showing me his new !pod…that’s his Christmas. That is all. A piece of technology. Absolutely meaningless.
I’ve got a load of shitting English work to do…what’s the point doing it though? Just so I can get some kind of shallow reward for myself. I hate that. I got a new TV but it didn’t make me happy or fill any void in my life. It just reminded me that while the majority of the population are out there enjoying relationship with real people, I’ll be stuck in my room watching TV.
But that’s my lot I guess. That’s what I have to be thankful to god for. Thanks God. In the real world I’m not allowed to moan or be upset about my situation because 1. I don’t have any real friends who will listen and 2. How can someone living in England be upset with a situation when there are starving kids in Africa?
I deserve more from life. I may be quiet, shy, incapable of socialising and embarrassed at any attention in a group, but does that make it so I will have nothing or no-one for the rest of my life? I didn’t ask to be this way did I? But I’m getting punished for it. I feel angry, I feel like I’ve spent lots of money on something and I can’t return it. I’m getting ripped off in life, some kind of force or entity doesn’t want me to be happy…and shall I tell you the last time I actually felt happy? ….8 years ago.

What a shitty world, predictable in its screwing over of me.
YEY its new years eve on Friday…..guess where I’ll be? In front of my computer because no-one asks me anywhere because I’m the fucking bad guy.
But the world needs people like me so you can feel happy….happy that you aren’t me. So when you feel down and dejected just remember that at the very least….you are not Alex fucking Lee, the lamest person ever to grace planet earth.

I’m half expecting aliens to abduct me and take me back to my correct planet

Mike Tyson's favourite day

Christmas day was ok. Cards was fun. Feel like shit today though

My big fat life

We got to leave work a couple of hours early today. I didn’t even care. They could have told me to stay until 10:00 and I would have. What have I come home for?
Seems everyone is doing something fun tonight. I don’t know what to do really, I can only be as I am, but people just don’t respond to that.
The people who are actually liked at work are people with certain characteristics. Usually the confident types.
The new guy James, he’s going out with Sally now. Yup, they are a couple. Something I’ve wanted to happen for months and he strolls in and within 2 weeks has accomplished that feat. But ya know, he is confident and good looking and a bit of a bad boy. I’m absolutely nothing …a nothing.
I feel like screaming

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH……………………..
My life is so shit

I ripped santas head off and stuck it in my nieghbours mailbox

Do I like Christmas anymore?
Work is a lot easier…other than that, no I don’t like it. Its amazing how much it has changed for me compared to when I was a kid. I hate the songs, the ones they always play every year. I may just go to sleep for 3 weeks.

It is time for change

I’ve changed the name of my blog. I have no idea why, but hey its my blog. I’m sure the 2 readers a day won’t get too upset…

Who passed you the mic

Listening to a few Eminem songs off his very first album…infinite.
It strange how certain music takes you back to a certain place in your life. The simple beats off this album and the genuine vocals remind me of trailing to school on a very grey day.
Me, Simon and this other dood Rick. All three of us hated school, the first couple of years there we had no friends other than each other. I can’t tell you how horrible those days were, it was a mission to make it to the end of the week…leaving school seemed as though it was never going to come for us. One day all 3 of us were at the bus stop, we saw these other guys getting on the bus and decided we wouldn’t follow as we were fed up of the taunts and jibes hailed at us. Me and Simon were making a habit of walking to school, even when we caught the bus we would let it run past our school….each day we would let it go a bit further, as though maybe one day we wouldn’t have to go to school at all. On this particular day though we were walking to school. As we walked, one of the other school buses passed us by, we were lucky not to get hit by whatever missiles they were launching at us. We decided we would take to the back streets and make our way to school that way. Each of us knew that we would be extremely late to school and each of us didn’t give a fuck.
It reached 9:00, all the other pupils would be in registration by now. We started laughing and walking even slower. We would purposely walk down the wrong street and then at the end say “Oh wait no, this is the wrong street!” we would then have to turn all the way back around and start again. We eventually made it up to the park and I think for a while we considered just hanging around there all day…problem was it would be obvious with all 3 of us not turning up. The teachers would not just take us to one side and tell us off, nope….they would call our parents and let the whole world know. So we forged ahead, the sight of our school was in the distance. We could see the very top classroom. A sickening feeling hit all our stomachs.
We prolonged the inevitable by messing around with our shoe laces, basically doing whatever we could to delay. It was around 11:00 by the time we reached school. We entered the building and headed upstairs. The head of year met us at the top….nice coincidence. He put our names in his black book and gave us detention for a month. He never asked why we were always turning up late, he just dismissed us as “kids screwing about”, that wasn’t the case though….we just really hated school.
If I’m honest with myself, there are days were I am completely haunted by my second school. Its something that has been buried inside of me, my confidence in myself is just smashed to pieces. We all have things we must overcome, demons to exorcise, but I am struggling…still.
Being in this city does me no good though, I’m always wondering if I will bump into someone from those early days. I have to beat it one day, we are all on a clock, so how much time can you afford to waste? Its just hard though.

Take a picture of my rear so you won’t forget my ass

Take a picture of my rear so you won’t forget my ass
I’m not looking forward to anything. It was an odd feeling as I walked home from work, I had the usual sense of relief but then I thought about why I was relieved to get out of work and there was no answer other than “I wouldn’t have to take a call”
I’m failing to see what to get motivated about. I can sense maybe I should see somebody about this because I’ve never felt this way. Even when things have been completely shitty, there has always been some light in the distance…something to keep going for. I don’t even feel down however, that’s what’s odd.
All I know is I’m sitting here and there is noting to motivate me or get me excited. I could stare blankly at the wall for the next 3 hours. It seems all I do now is just rush off so I can listen to music.
A couple of years ago even though I didn’t do anything for a year, me and ben thought we would be big time script writers….sitting in L.A now drinking champagne. As daft and unrealistic as it was, that’s what kept us going through all the bullshit. We truly felt that we would be partners in crime and that we would be the next big things, I haven’t talked to him now for a year and a half…
I’d say the majority of this year has been pretty awful, the isolation I have felt has been overwhelming. The real exclamation point was my Grans death. I was slowly starting to find my feet after a crap summer and then Bam! But I can’t be that selfish about it, it was worse for my mum and grandad.
Writing offered a glimmer of promise, my teacher saying that she could see me as a journalist was very confidence boosting, also getting a poem published was pretty cool.
Ya know what would wash away the doubt and fears? A girlfriend, someone to be intimate with. Someone who I could share experiences with. To quote LL cool J’s I need love “Girl if your out there, make yourself seen” or something like that anyway.
Hmm well what do ya know…I am down after all.

Bathe me in the wine

Feel free to invite me to a new years eve party….please?…..Hello?….


Eventually they will flock to me.

Blow my buzz

What’s interesting is to see how similar the majority of people are. Especially days like these. All united. I’ve got 3 weeks holidays yet to take, thank god.
Some people have a moral backbone. They always manage to pull through and make the honest and good decision. With some people it is more obvious than others.
I look back through this blog and try to asses what vibe I pick up from this person. It’s hard to be impartial as I wrote it. Some entries are difficult to read, they remind of a terrible situation and suddenly, only briefly, I feel the same emotion as I did then. My crush on Sally has dragged on, her personality used to frustrate me sometimes but underneath that there was a deep attraction to it. Since her birthday however, she has tried to become more mature…which throws me right out of the picture. I am a immature person…sorry that’s just how I am. So the newfound maturity she has discovered has kind of destroyed any link our personalities had . Shame really, there’s still a candle inside me burning away for her, a hollow hope that maybe one day it would actually be different.
I’m always picturing the perfect events though. Going to see Michael Jackson at Wembley in his prime. I would fucking love that.
It has been a bad week.

Extrovert alert! Extrovert alert! Extrovert alert! *This is not a drill*

If those two aren’t there I’m dead. Dead and buried. A long night of humiliation and awkwardness, and then I’ll feel awful for the next month

And...

I want to tell you about why she is in my thoughts constantly. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever known. Yes we see those who we are attracted to pass us by in the streets, but this is on a higher level. I often imagine a scenario of us together. Something simple. Laying next to each other. She walks as though floating, as graceful as a swan. Her smile reminds me of summer after a long and cold winter. Her touch leaves me scarred with her spirit. How can one person extract such feelings?
Yet so many boundaries are present. I’m not sad about it. I feel contented just knowing her. To let you into a secret however, me and her would fit. We would be special together. Bonnie and Clyde.

...I want to thank you
for giving me the best day of my life
Oh just to be with you
is having the best day of my life

I’m a criminal: Aftermath

Its been an emotional battering this week. I’m feeling a bit calmer now….more rational perhaps?
I’m in need of a reboot, my confidence is absolutely shattered at the minute.

I’m a criminal: part 2

I’m not one of the popular people. I’m not one of the beautiful people. I’m not one of funniest people. I’m not one of the charming people.
I couldn’t be any of these if my life depended on it.
I’m not even cool, I couldn’t be cool if my life depended on it.
Ah but my life is depending on it.
My life is as empty as my head.
I hate the mirrors at work, they show every error and every mistake on my ugly face.
How does everyone else fit in? they all know what to say at the right time….
I’m a bit of a stranger in Moscow. I’m going to listen to Michael Jackson now….YAY (and I mean that genuinely)

I'm a criminal

Its been shit week so far.
Today I found out that people at work didn’t really want me to go with them on Saturday, but it was more of a situation they couldn’t get out of.
Today they organised bowling on Friday and it was awkward because I was sat with them when they were sorting it out, they didn’t ask me of course, they couldn’t look at me.
It’s like being back at my second school…they said things would get better as I got older and that this kind of stuff didn’t happen. …hmm
You hear people talking about having a lonely childhood, but for me its more of a lonely adulthood.
I’ve got such a bad feeling inside of me right now, I just can’t socialise and I have no connection with people.

The moon might be a good place to move to

The vultures are circling. Cunts at work, ready to make a mockery of me, ready to humiliate me. One dickheads fascination ruins someone else. Why oh why? The joke is about to get bigger. It really is horseshit and I cannot stand it? How much can one person live with?

Time, as in running out of

I’m feeling stressed….stressed I tells ya
I felt annoying today…like I was annoying other people.
Bah…what’s the matter with me, unfortunately shadows still remain

Some mothers do 'ave em

Would it hurt for my mum to be positive about the trivial things. Tonight I got invited out, I could have been running through the streets of Leeds pissed or high, but no I decided to stay in and watch Danny Williams and Ricky Hattons boxing matches…I’m a sucker for supporting the English in America. There going out next Saturday so I’ll go with them then, but tonight it is all about the boxing. Now the Williams fight doesn’t start till the middle of the morning, and I told my mum I’ll be either staying up or setting the alarm, she soon started moaning on and on. 11:30 is far too late for my mum on a Saturday night…she is a complete conservative.
Its everything I want to do though that includes something you don’t normally do, she’s completely dismissed me going to Orlando next year and it isn’t just a “mother looking out for her son”…this boarders on sabotage.
It really annoys me, last night she actually shouted at dad for wanting to open Christmas chocolates early …THEY ARE FUCKING CHOCHALATES FOR FUCK SAKE, we ended up not opening them because she ruined the moment. She is definitely a terrible influence when comes to seizing the day, she does jack shit differently…she can’t do this because its cold….she can’t do that because its wet…she can’t do the other because its late…..for fuck sake just loosen up. She said after my gran died that she “wouldn’t care about the little stuff anymore”…yea right.
One day I’ll be gone and the leash will be off

Uming ’n Aring

There comes a time when we feel unsure about how to approach a situation. Helen at work was telling me about how Louise had 5 men chasing her for the weekend, now I’m friendly with Louise, I know she goes to college and is 20 years old. So I’m talking to Helen and she says that if I wanted to go out with Louise, Louise actually would want to take me out. But Helen takes the piss a lot, and its not like she has a serious and a funny tone of voice to indicate to you if she is pulling your leg or not.
Hmmm….I’ve heard a lot about this Louise though, she’s been part of an affair and sounds like she’s had quite a few blokes. I’m not attracted to her either…I think
…and that’s the dilemma, I can’t figure out if I like her or not.
But if she did want to go out with me, that’s a lot more progressive than things with Sally
Yea...I just have no idea

There’s no excuses my friend

The welsh guy wasn’t at college yesterday so that sucked, got chance to talk to a couple of other people though. Some people in the class are becoming annoying and loud to the point of me sweating with anger. There is this one girl there who just won’t shutup and all her friends laugh along with her, I tell ya, if I could plant some C4 explosives on their chairs before they arrived…I would consider doing so.
Lets push things forward, work decorations are being placed, our area is particularly tacky…I’m kind of proud of it in a weird way. All the full timers are busting their balls to get it all sorted, then I stroll in and say “that looks shite”…

killin' me

I’m wondering where I’m going, who I’m going with, what I’d do if I ever got there. The opportunity to go to America next year is great….in some ways.
I was telling someone at work, enthusing “Yea It’ll be a great experience” blah blah blah….the person I was telling asked who I was going with and questioned if it was worth going alone. At first I dismissed this theory, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like it would be pretty empty.
Its like my grandad now who doesn’t have my nan to run around with. Suddenly something simple like winning money on the horses doesn’t mean anything anymore. He said last night that if he got ill he wouldn’t bother trying to cure it…what’s the point the asked, he’s alone.
I require the lonely life in a way and have got used to it, especially over the last year. But my motivation is dwindling, I feel asif I’m only trying to get a career because “I should”, its not like I’m trying to save for a flat or anything else remotely mature.
I know…I am too sensitive about certain things, but extremely blunt with other things. It’s just you realise that feeling alone is crap

What the hell??

“Cold as hell this morning, not looking forward to that 5 mile walk”
“Yes it is cold, we need to write some hit records or something “
“I told you, just get me a keyboard and were on our way”
“Yea man but I’m so skint, I can’t afford to take driving lessons so I wouldn’t be doing this 5 mile walk”
“Same old my friend”

Something in the wind

I don’t really know what to write, I’ve got things swilling round inside my noggin but I just can’t type anything.
Sometimes I don’t feel like saying anything at all, I just stare and observe without voiced comment.
Like tonight, I just sat back and watched. Its not very encouraging

Cheers

I’m feeling dismayed this evening (although the blog clock will probably tell you its 5:30 Am when I’m writing this). Work was awful, bloody awful. It got off to a bad start when my first customer was a Chinese woman who could not understand anything I said to her, after a 20 minute battle royal I wanted to say to her “Now fuck off you stupid bitch and get someone who can speak English you fucking lame arse fucker”, what I actually said, which clenched teeth, was “Now have a good day!”
Ugh, that first call set the tone for all the other customers, they were either/all of the following:
- Dumb
- Arrogant
- Deaf
- Angry for nothing
- Rat arsed
- Heavy medicated
- Extremely dumb

Somehow I have spent a months wage in a week. That just pisses me off right there.
The people at work were all on their periods apparently all be it a few exceptions. It was the first time I’d seen Sally in a couple of weeks, first thing she said was “ No-body missed you” she was joking I hope, but her words I felt were tainted with the truth.
Wouldn’t it be nice to go to where….
“Everybody knows your name….and there always glad you came”
Yes, indeed it would

My shit is her milk

Day 3 of the new training regime...muscles aching…throat soar…headaches...constantly horny….firm arse…stomach pains…massive appetite…
I’ve borrowed a football game, pro evolution 4. It’s a great game but the commentary gets on my tits.
Its half time and the commentator says “I wonder if this will be a game of 2 halves?”….humm, yes I wonder.
I stumbled across a confessions site (I’d typed in the search engine - Mike Tyson interview), anyways here’s a glance at one of the typical confessions it has there:
“I like to toss off over lightbulbs. The warmth on my bollocks gives me a great orgasm”
Lol
The site is: http://grouphug.us/page/15/n - it is a laugh, but sometimes you can feel the pain some of these people have