I predict a riot

So I’m unemployed.
Yuck.
I hate it. I can’t be bothered going down to the job centre just yet so I got Jill’s boyfriend who works at an agency to hook me up with some interviews. I have to go see him on Tuesday to show him my qualifications etc.
The one bright shining light was that message from Nina. Even if we aren’t going to be together at least she would be back in my life…and it wouldn’t be my fault for her quitting Uni.
She came back yesterday and we met up at around lunchtime. I told her about how I lost my job and how Melissa had screwed me over.
Nina was furious.
She immediately called Melissa and asked her to meet up with us, she didn’t mention the fact I would be there.
Melissa swung by about 45 minutes later and she was extremely alarmed when she found out I was there.
But there was one big shock I wasn’t expecting.
Melissa did not even bring it up about her car being scratched. Her and Nina soon got into an argument and Nina told me that Melissa had been having feelings for me for a couple months aswell!
What the???
Melissa was unable to tell anyone because she really didn’t want to like me but couldn’t help it.
Apparently.
I was so shocked…I had no idea.
And then silence occurred.
We all sat down exhausted. Nina asked what we were to do now.
And I just couldn’t help saying it….
“Threesome?”
It seemed to break the tension. But things were about to get slightly violent. All of a sudden Melissa’s boyfriend pulls up in his car shouting his head off. He was ranting like a lunatic. It had been the first time I had ever seen the bloke but he was a nutter!
It got worse for me though. He started pointing at me saying:
“Is this him!?”
I said “is this him who????”
Melissa had cheated on him about a month ago and he thought I was the one who had gone with her!
Next thing I know he grabs me by the throat and starts trying to choke the life out of me, I manage to break free but by this time I have seen red. My fist clenched I swung my right arm and hit him in the chest, he seemed to be winded for a few moments while I just stood there. I didn’t want to fight him. But he regained his breath and smashed me twice in the face. He then shoved Melissa, got back in his car and drove off.
I’m in constant shock just about the events that have occurred. Utter….complete….shock.
Melissa broke down into tears, screamed at me and Nina and ran off.
I wasn’t bleeding but I knew there would be a bruise at least. Nina asked if I was ok and I said kinda.
I sat down in a mood then.
“I have something to tell you.” she said.
“What’s that?”
“Nip’s coming to see me.”
Nip was Nina’s dutch male friend. He was coming over next week to see her. Those two had snogged when Nina went to Holland.
“Ah cool.” I said.
I then decided to just lay it all on the line right there and then. I had seen a scrubs episode where Dr Cox makes a long rant about how he’s right for Jordan…albeit in different ways to normal.
Nina could never reveal or admit to her feelings for me before because I didn’t fit into her “normal” bracket. If you knew me in real life I am quite goofy, a bit weird but generally a good person who has other redeeming qualities.
“Look Nina, I’m never going to be what you think you need. I’m not going to be able impress your friends with my wit and charm. I’m not going to be able to endear myself to your family in 2 seconds. I’m not going to dazzle anyone with my fashion sense. I’m not going to be able to be that trophy boyfriend. But your looking at me, Alex, who likes you more than any of these other fakers. I’m not going to take your money and I’m not going to hit you (like previous boyfriends), I’m going to be there for you whenever you need. For christ sakes we had only been together one night and I didn’t know if you were just going to dump me the day after…can you really blame me? After what happened when we kissed? Do you know how hard it was hanging out with you and your boyfriend? I just think that you need to give us a shot. You’ve never been with anyone like me.”
It was true aswell, yes I was rambling (and there was more) but all her previous boyfriends were really like trophy boyfriends. They all had a certain hairstyle and were perceived as “cool” but none of them cared about Nina like me.
“I know what I did was stupid. I know that I could have been more forthright from the beginning, but I also know how special you are to me. Why is it that I can’t remember a single detail of my college course but I can remember everything you’ve ever told me? There’s something deeper between us than just an attraction. So what do you say?”
I said lots and lots but that was the jist.
She came and sat next to me.
“OK.”
And we kissed.
Was that it? Had I won? Could I breathe again?
Yey. After all that shit over the last few days I finally had the outcome I wanted.
Alex Lee has a girlfriend again. She had to go back to Sheffield today to get some things but we’re off out for something to eat later.
Last night was magic. I was at her flat and we were just sat on the couch together watching TV. I loved it.
So simple, yet so completely satisfying.
Am I worried about finding a new job? Nah
Worried about college? Nah
Felling good about life? Absolutely
The only small worry I have now is that our lifestyles may be incompatible. But we will see.

You and me both

Ok…errrr…ok
That was my response to Melissa telling me Nina had gone to Sheffield. How could she get this organised so quickly?
I spent most of the day after I found out lamenting the fact that I’d blown it.
But how could she get a move to Sheffield so quickly? It niggled me.
I rang Melissa in the evening. She tried to cut me off but she could sense the need to know in my voice.
“Sheffield? What the hell?”
“She’d been planning it for a while.”
“Why?”
“She was pretty messed up about things after she left her last boyfriend.”
I asked Melissa if she knew about what had happened with me and Nina.
“Yea I knew.”
“What do you think?”
“What does it matter?”
And then Melissa hung up on me.
I had to find out how Nina truly felt. Was she really mad at me? Or was she just sick of her life?
If she was really mad at me…then I had to go to Sheffield.
I had a day off from work but I went in anyway. I went straight over to Melissa and said I had some things I needed to talk about. I’ll transcribe the following conversation we had:
Key: M=Melissa A=Me
A: I need to know some things please.
M: I don’t know that much about it.
A: Just tell me how she felt. Honestly. Did she have any feelings for me at all?
M: OK. She got to know you when she was having problems with her boyfriend and she thought there might be something there but then it never happened. After that she didn’t really know how she felt. I’m not saying anymore.
A: What would you do in my position?
M: Move on.
I couldn’t believe I was in the middle of a situation like this. It was like being part of some disaster romance movie. Melissa was clearly angry at me, it was understandable, in her eyes I had pushed her close friend over the edge to move away.
Move on eh?
It reached the afternoon and I had to make a decision. Should I go to Sheffield?
I didn’t know where to find her there though. I sent a text message to her with the glimmer of hope she might answer me. It said:
“Hey. Im cumin up to c u. What address r u at?”
I then got a call from Melissa. She was fuming. She sounded a bit pissed aswell. She said Nina was dropping out of her Uni course because of what had happened.
“That’s ridiculous. I’m not going to be the reason she quit Uni. Tell me where she’ll be in Sheffield.”
Then Melissa told me to “just fuck off.” and that “she was going to get me sacked.”
Sorry if none of this makes sense but I just feel so jumpy and constantly nervous at the minute.
I decided to go to Sheffield regardless.
I’d stay there night and noon until I found her.
Luckily my uncle and his son were playing football there and they gave me a lift. I didn’t disclose the details of why I was tripping to Sheffield but they knew something was cooking. Nina text me back saying:
“Don’t bother.”
I called her up and left a message:
“Look I am coming up and I don’t have a clue where to go but I’m staying until you meet up with me. I know things between us might be too far apart but I don’t want to be the reason you quit Uni.”
About 10 minutes later I got sent a text saying she would meet me in the town centre.
And so we met up.
Just a few nights before it had all been so different.
Key: N=Nina
A: Hey
N: Hiya
A: Melissa says that your quitting Uni.
N: I haven’t decided yet.
A: Well I just came to tell you…don’t. At least not because of me.
N: Don’t flatter yourself.
A: Ok. But why would you wanna quit?
N: Its been so stressful and things…a lot of things…haven’t been working out.
A: Right.
N: Yea.
A You might aswell finish your degree now, just a few months now.
N: Yea I know.
A Was coming up here to Sheffield anything at all to do with me?
N: Why would you ask that?
A: I wanna know.
N: It was partly to do with it. You turned out to be totally different to what I liked about you.
A: How?
N: You are so nice and I really thought you cared about me but you just totally ruined it in one night.
A: Yea I know.
N: Well.
A: I’d still like to be friends.
N: I’m staying up here Alex. Don’t call me again…please.
A: I can’t believe your doing this.
N: See you.
She then turned around and walked off. Leaving me in the middle of Sheffield.
I thought about chasing after her but I felt like I’d been cut off at that precise moment. I sat down on a bench, I couldn’t move.
I stayed there for a couple of hours and then came home.
I walked in and my mum said work needed to contact me urgently. I phoned in and they said I had to attend a disciplinary hearing the next day.
So I went in and 30 minutes later I was sacked.
Me and Adam (the guy who I hated)
Both sacked.
We had sent mocking e-mails to each other which contained foul language. Someone had brought it to managements notice and we paid the ultimate price.
Me and Adam walked out. I told him it was Melissa who had grassed us up. He was pissed, as was I.
We walked over the fields….found some rocks and started to scratch Melissas car up.
Is this what it had come to? Wrecking someone’s car with someone I disliked?
I threw the stone down and left immediately. I came home and lied down on my bed.
I burst into tears. I just couldn’t help it.
I was at my lowest when I got sent another text by Nina. It simply read.
“I miss you. I’m coming back.”

How to ruin it all in a day

What a few days it was.
I was briefly chatting to Nina at work and she said she wasn’t busy that night. For whatever reason….after every time I’d been set back, I started gently flirting with her.
I started talking about taking her out that night and I said I would take her somewhere “romantic and mysterious.”
She was immediately sucked in.
“How cool!” she said.
As the day progressed she kept asking me if I was going to take her out. Then I started to panic a bit.
“Is she really serious?”
I suddenly believed she had feelings for me and then I pronounced to her that I would pick her up at 8.
“Ok then Alex, I’ll just need to call my roomie and tell I’m going out with my friend.”
Grrrrr. Friend hu?
How could I have been so stupid?
In my anger I decided I would stand Nina up. I told her to dress up nice…she complied.
So it was 8:00. Nina would be in town while I was in my room laughing.
It got to 8:30 and my mobile kept getting calls…none of which were answered.
She then text me: Where r u?
I huffed and puffed and realised I was acting like a fool. I called her and said I would be there ASAP.
It took fucking ages to get into town and I was sure she would have left by now, but I just managed to catch a glimpse of her outside the town hall.
She looked stunning.
She was about to leap into a taxi cab but I ran over and grabbed her hand.
“Where have you been?”
“Sorry.”
“So what now?”
I smiled.
“Come with me.”
I don’t know what happened but the night took over. Everything just flowed easily. We went to a restaurant and then moved onto a nightclub.
I was on top of my game that night. We got on so well. It got to around 2:00 Am and we both headed off to go home. A taxi pulled up beside me.
“Well that’s for me I guess.”
“Yea…”
“I’ll see you at work on Tuesday OK Nina.”
“Ok.”
We just stared at each other. I couldn’t bring myself to get into the taxi. So I did something completely against my nature. I opened the door as I was about to get in…but then I turned to Nina and quickly shut the door.
“What’s up?” she quizzed.
I glanced at the ground and then moved over to her and held her hand.
We smiled at each other and then we kissed.
What can I say? It was amazing. It literally felt like there were fireworks going off behind us.
“It’s a shame it has to end now.” She said.
“Doesn’t have to.”
I pointed to a hotel in the background. We smiled, kissed again and headed to the hotel.
We spent the night together, did the dirty and spent the next day together.

That night I had been invited out to a work doo. Nina couldn’t make it but I told her I would go over to hers after it had all finished.
So I was in a club again, 24 hours after me & Nina had finally got together. I was buzzing and co-workers were commenting on just how happy I looked.
I kept looking at my watch thinking of Nina when all of a sudden this gorgeous blonde girl waved me over. I was a little shocked but I went across.
She was a stunner.
She introduced herself and apparently she was a friend of one of my co-workers. We got chatting and had a little dance. More drinks were consumed and a couple of hours later we were sat down snogging each other in the corner. She then whispered in my ear to go back to her flat.
So we did it at her flat. Again I must say….she was gorgeous.
Now let me get this straight…I hadn’t been laid in ages and now I had gotten laid 2 nights on a row?
What the hell was going on?
I woke up the morning after and felt completely distraught.
Why did I do this? I’d turned into one of those guys I hated.
Nina had called me a few times so I gave her a ring and suggested we meet up.
Man I felt so bad. When I saw her she looked so happy as she ran over to me.
But she knew, she knew straight away.
“What’s up.” She asked.
I told her everything and she cried and said she thought I was different. I tried to defend myself and say we had only been together 2 days but she wouldn’t hear it. She just left me.
I went into work today and Melissa told me that she’d rang in to quit work and that Nina was moving to her sisters immediately.
Where do her sisters live?
Sheffield.
And that was it. I had her…and I lost her…in 1 day.

I’m so angry at myself and so disappointed in my actions that I’ve decided to stop making entries in the blog. I cannot stand the things I’ve written about her in here. I loved her to tell you the truth…and I’ve written some horrible things about her.
I do not deserve anything else to be allowed to be printed on here.
All I can say is…I’m sorry Nina.

It never ends

Fingers crossed. Me and a pal from college are applying to go to America next year for 6 weeks.
I really want it to come off and I just need that bit of luck to make it happen.
Its been hard since I’ve started college again. I don’t go out at weekends anymore as people are already busy or there is no-one to ask, so it has been quite testing.
But sometimes you have to go through these moments to better yourself.
I’ve cut out a lot of the neediness in my approach with people and I seem to be having far greater interactions.
I look back over the very recent posts and I was just too soft.
I worried because people weren’t falling over themselves to be involved with me.
I can only feel that way for so long before you just have to be self dependent. Hell, 2 years ago I was a rock…I was doing EVERYTHING on my own.
It’s amazing how different you feel if you don’t care about people’s opinions of you. It takes effort sometimes but it is worth it.
We’ve finally got a project set at college that my group is happy with and I’m really looking forward to cracking on with it.
Erm, I must mention the new Pro evolution game. Not impressed so far, however, I have done one or two things not seen in a football game before.

Space and time

I’ve recently had two extremely vivid dreams. One of those dreams was only for a few seconds but it sparked a memory of a day dream I used to have.
Escape from work.
That’s what this scenario was.
It’s Wednesday, half way through the week, I’m at work and looking for adventure.
I’m working in a 2 tier building and the premises are huge. I go to the toilets and for some reason I cannot go back to the office. Something horrible will happen if I do. Either that or going back for the rest of the day is too long.
It’s about 10:00 AM and I’m in a cubicle. I’m sat on the toilet but I don’t really need to go. I’m staring at one of the tiles on the floor and I notice it’s loose. I start to kick away at the tile and after a few goes, the tile pops up. I take a further look and there is a hole which goes down about 200 feet. I remove a couple more tiles and suddenly I have a hole big enough to climb down. As you can tell, my subconscious has no realistic architectural sense at all. So I bob my head underneath and discover a ladder. I climb down it and realise I’m in a sewer.
“Uh-oh”
Apparently they are flushing the sewers, suddenly a huge tidal wave of shit races around the corner and is coming straight for me. I manage to escape when I find another ladder further down. This takes me onto a different part of the premises and it is here where I have to fight past a group of forklift trucks. I then meet the main boss and have a battle to the death.
I haven’t had any adventures for ages. Its kind of something you have to give up as you get older because nothing is off limits.
The challenge to me in my second school was how far me and my friend could push it. We would walk everywhere before we got to school.
That’s one of the parts I really enjoyed. It was our own rebellion.
There’s nothing really interesting going on in my life at the moment, I haven’t been for a night out in weeks.
So my mind keeps wandering off. Part of me accepts that nothing dramatic is going to change until after this course is finished. Going abroad would be an adventure but due to commitments I can’t get away now until at least May next year.

Choose lady

Everyday we walked down the same road. We avoided catching the bus waiting outside school because it just simply wasn’t worth catching.
This road sloped to the very bottom and everyday a beautiful girl used to walk up and past us. She must have lived in one of the posh houses that rested on the side of the road. We would all be chatting very loudly and acting all laddish until she seemingly floated around the corner. We would all just shutup - and as she past us - silence would beckon. We all tired to make it look like we were not staring at her. We were though.
But she was stunning. You simply couldn’t look anywhere else. She always kept her eyes on the ground and blushed a little.
So a routine was set and for months this would happen everyday.
None of use would talk to her. On the surface none of us felt like we were worthy to be with such a beauty, but underneath, our ego’s pumped away with hope.
Word started to spread with our other friends about the “stunner at home-time” I actually asked my friend who she would find the most attractive out of the guys who walked down the road.
“Definitely you Alex.”
My ego beamed with pride. I wasn’t the most obvious with the crush however. Ben had got it bad. He used to like making up characteristics for her and used to say:
“She’ll just like rock music, but love hip-hop!”
And…
“She’ll like to go out with me to MacDonald’s.”
MacDonald’s!?
In Ben’s defence - we were young and naive.
Things remained the same until we got off school early one day and Ben had an idea, and if he had an idea, he wouldn’t stop bugging you until you agreed to join him.
We had seen her get off the bus from the same side as we got on, so Ben thought that if we took a little walk down the main road, we might get to see which school she goes to. The others wouldn’t come with us, so it was just me and Ben.
So we setoff. We walked and walked and walked and walked…stopped for drinks and then walked some more.
“I’m not seeing a school here Ben?”
“Don’t worry she can’t be far away…”
We walked farther. We walked so far that even Ben finally gave up.
“I don’t understand…where’s the school!?”
We decided to go to the nearest station and wait for the next bus. By this time we had caught up to our normal home-time. The bus arrived and we hopped on. About 3 minutes into our journey we see someone waiting at a distant bust stop.
“Is that…no…can’t be….it is!”
She was waiting at the next stop. Where the hell her school was I’ll never know. Now the bus we were on was packed out. It was a single decker and quite unbelievably, me and Ben were sat at either side of the aisle with spare seats next to us.
Basically, there was no where else for her to sit when she got on the bus. Ben and I looked at each other, we knew what we had just entered…competition time!
The stakes had now been risen. It wasn’t just about us fancying this girl, now it was a personal battle between me and Ben.
Who would she decide to sit next to?
We stared intently at each other. We didn’t blink and we didn’t flinch.
Anyways the bust drove straight past her! No, only kidding…what a cop out that would have been!
She got on and you could literally see the poor girls face drop when she realised her predicament. I tried not to look at her. Ben looked out side while I rummaged through my bag. She grudgingly moved down the aisle and I could see her head move from side to side as she decided who to sit next to. She was only a couple of feet away now. A decision must be made.
The bus must have ran over a hole in the ground as it jerked for a couple of moments and I dropped my wallet on the floor which I had to duck down for to pick it up. I knew that when I sat back up, she would have decided.
I sat back up and felt no presence. To my ego’s horror, she had chosen to sit next to Ben.
She was on the bus for about 20 minutes and then got off at her stop. We stayed on until the bus got into town. Ben came over and sat next to me and gloated like a pig in mud heaven.
After he ribbed me he began to talk sincerely about her.
“She smelled amazing.”
“Yea?”
“Yup, I think I caught her glaring at my hip-hop CD aswell.”
We laughed and ribbed each other all the way home.
I loved that about Ben. He could be so silly, so funny, so warm. I miss that so much.
I wonder what happened to that girl though. We never found out her name but sometime later through our connections at school, Ben got her phone number and rang her.
He was too scared though and when her dad answered the phone he hung up. How do I know? I was at the side listening to him.

I remember

Sometime in February I was leaving training. The bus had passed me by as I exited the building.
“Bollocks.”
This was going to be a hassle getting home.
I decided to walk, at which point, darkness descended. I couldn’t see more than 30 feet in front of myself (the street lights have to be one of the worst in the country) and it caused me to lose my sense of direction.
I walked past the sports centre and felt sure I was on the right track.
“Ah yea, that’s it.”
I saw the subway in the distance. As I approached, its vast and hollow existence invited me in for a walk.
I felt uneasy going into the subway at night. I don’t normally but this was an exceptionally large subway, the type where you cannot see around the corners and the lights are dimming.
I proceeded to enter the subway and the predictable symptoms of a subway were all present. An excess of litter, graffiti…and of course, a urine smell.
I walked down the first corridor and heard bike wheels reverberate around the top.
“It has begun.”
I could hear voices, they weren’t old but they sounded rough. I thought I better speed up, but as I sped up, the bike wheels sounded louder and more menacing. The voices too, whoever these people were, they had now entered the subway.
I got round one corner and thought I could jog to the open space area in the middle, afterall, since I was around the corner they wouldn’t be able to see me jog, so I would be OK and wouldn’t look like a prat.
So I jogged.
Well, it was more of a run actually. I finally got to the open area but a terrible realisation struck me.
“Where the hell do I go?”
I couldn’t see anything which would indicate the correct direction to go. No signs, nothing. I could only stand there and look up to see if I might be able to catch a glimpse of a street sign. By this time the bikers had arrived in the area aswell. 3 of them. They looked about 15.
They were screeching like wild animals who had just caught their next victim. They circled me with their bikes. One of them shouted obscenities at me.
But they were only 15...so they could go fuck themselves as far as I was concerned. I just grinned and decided to walk past them. I had made my decision as to which exit I was going to choose. I saw the north star and decided to go through the exit pointing in that direction.. I was sure my house was north of this location.
“In here, now, he’s here.”
One of the boys shouted this out. Big deal.
I grinned to myself again.
“How lame are 15 years olds?”
I marched forth towards the exit when all of a sudden a gang of 5, pierced through the darkness and presented themselves.
“Holy shit.”
They must have all been well over 6 feet tall. Their eyes were lifeless. They were ready.
I quickly made a dash to a different exit but one of the kids on bikes ran across me and we both clattered to the ground. The gang then formed a circle around me.
“Fucking have him.”
Said one of the kids.
Anyways, the rest of that story was posted back in this blog somewhere. I can’t be bothered writing out the rest of it. Far too tired!
This week saw the return of Yvonne, she was lost but has now returned….thank God!

Sign O' the Times

Back at work.
It was OK. It was work.
Nina has blown off the trip to America next year.
She’s smitten with the Dutch bloke she met on holiday and all she is thinking about is going back there every 3 months. So no time for America.
Completely understandable. A shame though because with that trip in the back of my mind at least it was something to look forward to.
I’d like a second chance with a few of my old friends.
I saw Jim the other week. We’d been through it all at upper school. I texted him on my phone (I salvaged his number from somewhere). He said hi and when I asked if a few of us old pals could meet up for a drink…there was no reply. That was about a week ago now.
Most of them have taken that stance with me. I feel like these should people should be my mates. I feel like these should be the people I go drinking with at the weekend, the people I go watch footy with.
But they don’t want to know me. They have their own lives now. They have new friends. There isn’t a second chance unfortunately.
It hurts though, it really fucking hurts me. I’ve got a few of them as contacts on my msn. I never see them online and when I try to say hello they just ignore me.
All this was OK because there was always the promise of new friends. I’m starting to think that I won’t have my own group of friends to go out with anymore.
When the word “smitten” was used to describe how Nina feels about her new Dutch boyfriend, a wave of disappointment flowed through me. I felt like someone had just stabbed me. When I hear about all these other people going out together and going on holidays together I do feel slightly jealous.
It made me chuckle to hear Melissa describe herself as a loner today. She just quickly threw it in with no consideration for what the word meant. I pressed her about it at first because I pondered…”What if she is a loner.”
It turns out she was just pissed off about a caller.
No they have no idea. I used to think I was a bit of loner. I used to think that because I was quiet.
Now I know what it’s like to truly be a loner. I’m talking about having no-one to call and no-one to see.
That is my definition of a loner. Although I guess it can be a feeling you just have inside of yourself. I just wish I had a second chance.
I’ve worked all day. Talked and talked and talked, yet all I want to do is talk with some mates or a bird.
On the bright side. I’ve gone as down as I can about all of these things. I will get that down again I’m sure but at least I know I can perk myself up. College seems to be picking up nicely.
And like the Shawshank redemption taught us. There is always hope.
Surely things won’t be like this forever? I just have to stick to my guns and have the best intentions with people.
I’ve suddenly gotten into princes music aswell…

Tastes like blood

How do you know your in a batlle?
When your licking your wounds of course.
This week off has made certain things so clear. The fact that I need to do extremely well in college as appose to ‘just turning up’.
The fact that where I have been working the last two years, the place where I thought things were secure…are actually not secure at all.
The fact that the easy days are over.
I am an emotional wimp no more.
I will not care about the people who don’t care about me…simple.

You just can't win

*Officially looking for a new job*
For the first time I don’t want to go back to work on Monday. That means it is time to look for a new job.
The bastards have forced me to this.

This is war

In times of difficulty one has to be pragmatic.
So work in the space of two months has become the opposite of what it once was. But I simply don’t have enough drive to change jobs, I really can’t stand that hassle. So I’ll stick with it…for now.
Ya see one of my silly little ambitions was to leave work on good terms with people. To leave work with people left their wishing I wasn’t going to leave. This is definitely not the case now. How funny? Just a couple months back I would have been able to say that people would actually turn up for my leaving doo.
So I’m going to put up with all the shit. I can do that while I’m at college because the two fit each other perfectly in terms of scheduling.
I took for granted being able to go to work with an easy mind. Now it feels as though I’m going beyond enemy lines.
Well, they can hurl their taunts at me but it doesn’t matter because I’m working on things. And I will be out of there…you just have to be patient Alex.
College was a barrel of laughs. I laughed so hard at one point that I actually felt embarrassed and started making weird noises.
I haven’t laughed like that in ages…its been far too long.

Screaming inside

Lifeless
I don’t think another word in the English language sums up more how feel right now.
I was travelling down to town to go to college and I was praying that from somewhere I would get the confidence.
The confidence to speak my mind.
I remember in class a couple weeks ago there was big debate on Michael Jackson. The teacher asked if anyone really liked him. I didn’t confess my fondness of him.
I felt bad afterwards, like I had let him down almost.
I’d really let myself down. Let my spirit down. Something just held me back.
I wish I was sure of myself. I wish I knew who I really was.
It seems to change everyday.
One day I feel extroverted, the next I feel quiet, the next I feel like an entertainer, the next I feel like a recluse.
WHO AM I?
Maybe that’s why I have no confidence to speak my own opinions in front of people?
When will this weight be lifted?

Reach out

I haven’t been out of the house for nearly 3 days now. All I’ve done is take the dog for a walk and come back inside and straight on my PC.
I can’t express just how much the music means to me right now.
It’s amazing how another persons few, and simple words, can completely wreak havoc. I feel completely haunted at the moment.
I’ve got 3 days before I have to re-enter the real world.
I just don’t want to face the Adam’s of the world.
I’ve got to find a way to turn this around.
To quote Mr. Darcy…
“I shall conquer this…I shall!”

The underclass

I was feeling a bit rough yesterday. Worrying about lack of friends. But that’s all it was. It wasn’t a deep hurt it was just making me feel a bit down.
All I had to do was make it through today’s shift and I was out of work for a whole week.
Unfortunately Adam had other plans.
I was humiliated, made fun of and embarrassed at work today.
Every insult made me even more quiet.
Oh God it was terrible. I haven’t been ripped on like that since second school. I feel good about that workplace, so good that I actually recommended it to someone at college. But I don’t think I’ll be doing anything like that again.
I hated the way he involved everyone. I could almost see their respect for me fly out of the window.
The things he said were absolutely cutting. They were laced with the truth maybe.
I was always kind of scared that someone like him would join work.
It’s like a successful football team signs a new player who completely disrupts the rest of them.
Except they all seem to love him.
The things he said I just haven’t been able to get out my head. They keep coming back to me. At one point he launched into a tirade about my spots. Talking about how I’ll never meet a girl. I went off for a break and he just said with absolute conviction…. “God you are so ugly.”
I don’t understand why people are so motivated to cut others down?
He told Melissa how I had said I wanted to do something sexually explicit to her. I hadn’t said it but he told her. Of course she took the easy option and believed him. She knew he was lying but it was much easier to join in on the fun.
I felt like just throwing myself into traffic when I left work. I really feel as though I’ve been shattered.
I couldn’t say anything back. There was no confidence what so ever. He brought other people into it which just added to the humiliation. I couldn’t defend myself. So not only did I feel completely battered but I felt like a wimp too. If you knew me though you would know that I am the least confrontational guy ever. I simply do not want any trouble. If I have an argument with someone I end up worrying about it all night.
I’m basically no good with words under pressure like that. It’s pathetic in this day and age but I’m just as quiet as a mouse.
I guess conflict is unavoidable.
Ah man the things he said really hurt and everyone laughed and I just sat there and took it. My body froze and my mind was on empty.