Might aswell jump

I have felt a certain degree of angst inside of me the last couple of days. I can’t pin-point my finger on the reason but all I know is that I don’t want to ramble on about it in here. So now I must pick a topic to discuss…..something un-emotional and fun.
Ladies and Gentlemen I give you….Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.
People may say I should have grown out of computer games at my age, but the simply answer is no I haven’t. OK I haven’t played my playstation 2 for yonks, but if there is one game that can persuade me to blow off the cobwebs on the little balck box, its GTA.
The game is due out this Friday and so far the reviews sound very impressive. GTA is one of those games that goes above and beyond the call of duty, not simply offering an hour or 2 of fun, but a whole different world for you to check out and explore. I’m going to give Liam, my old playstation buddy a ring at the weekend and see if he wants to re-create the magic of 2 years ago. He and I were always in my bedroom playing computer games from the age of 13 to 19. He was round my house every night. We are both casual gamers and have never been ones for strategy games, we always liked the same games. GTA on both the playstation 1 and 2, kept us going along for months at a time. When I look back I don’t know how we had the interest, but I’m glad we did. Things faded this last year or so, he went to university and broadened his horizon’s, while I started work and college again. Since then I haven’t really played on the play station, I just couldn’t get any enthusiasm for it…..afterall who was I going to share my gaming achievements with??? The experience suddenly became hollow.
This Friday though, I reckon the incentive will be back, if only for a short while. I feel I owe it Rockstar to get into it again. They do such a wonderful job on the GTA games, other developers should take note. It seems unbelievable how I can pay £40.00 for GTA and get everything, while still paying that amount for Formula 1 04 and get absolutely jack shit.
I also want to take this opportunity to say how much I love Goodfellas and make you aware that a new DVD of it is out.

Pearl

I had a plan this weekend, to just get through to Sunday afternoon and then watch the big match in complete comfort. It’s a shame wanting to rush through life but I can guarantee nothing in the next year will change - unless a horrible accident occurs - and I lose someone close. I’ve created certain goals in my mind…mostly to do with the English course, or at least trying to do the best I can with it. Personal relationships are odd at the minute, I seem to be getting on well with the male population. A couple of new starters were in this week and we have been having a laugh everyday, in particular about the supervisor who has terrible breath. It’s shallow I know, but honestly if you have one conversation with her you better start searching the floor for your eyebrows.
Things with Sally were dreadful at the start of this week. I noticed my behaviour had change towards her and quite frankly didn’t like it. I was starting to snipe and become annoying. The e-mails we sent each other were becoming none-existent and reading over ones I sent out, they are unbearable. I took control yesterday though and I asked myself why I was acting this way towards her. The truth is, without any sugar coating, I was just hurt she didn’t like me in that way. I have felt like this for a while, that’s why our relationship had soured somewhat, I was just hurt and feeling self pity and all of this was coming out in our conversations.
So I had to shift my attitude and after I admitted how I felt to myself…..rational thinking suddenly entered the frame. Its not her fault she isn’t attracted to me, that’s just the way its got to be…so stop being a petulant child. So yesterday and today we got on really well, and yea I still feel down that she doesn’t feel that way for me, but at the same time I’ve learnt to deal with it and not let it ruin what we do have.
A new girl started on our team. I haven’t talked to her yet but I’ll be thinking about how cool it would be if we hit it off. Then I’ll actually talk to her and all hopes will be dashed lol

3:16

Watching the ashes being scattered on the grave at the cemetery was sad but also fitting. Everyone who needed to be there was there. Its hard to explain how I feel now, a sadness and emptiness but with slight hope and cautious optimism.
Optimism? Yes, cautious optimism….a feeling of an impending change. I’ve accepted that for the next year I’ll be doing the English course, and if I make sure I try my best at that then at least it’s a foot in the right direction as far as a career is concerned. As far as getting rid of the problem of being single, I guess that’s really up to fate. I cannot influence a chance meeting with someone that flourishes into a relationship, that’s up to whatever created the universe. But I can say that I am prepared and ready for a relationship unlike in the past. I’d be ready for letting someone be a big part of my life.
….and that’s the bottom line because stone cold said so apparently!

Old habits die hard

Yup I’m on the run again. Liam called tonight, and I told mum to tell him I was still at work. I built a lot of strong bonds through my life, but I’ve just ignored them for the last 3 years. I’m scared of things I’m not in control of, I hate social situations, I feel as though a big target is on my head “Aim here!”. I don’t know what that is, confidence has always been void with me.
English language is going pretty well, no complaints.
Sally ignored me tonight…..nice

Time kid

One of the scariest thoughts about losing my gran is the fact that it is one less person in my corner. I’m not prepared to accept her death yet. I’ve been looking at old photos, talking to my mum, trying to get regular contact with my family going. Ya know what? I’m actually looking forward to them spreading the ashes on Sunday, because it gives us all a chance to be together, something I feel we need. We need to act like a family now, stick together and such. I feel really lonely, I looked around work today and realised I didn’t really know any of these people. But last week I lost someone I did know, someone who had unconditional love for me, you don’t get that off average Joe in the street. I can’t overstate how special she was. In this world of unknowns, it hurts so bad to lose someone you did know. The funeral has really put the full stop on my grans life, and I’m having difficulty dealing with it.

Don’t sell out

The funeral was today. I feel robbed and heart-broken. I enjoyed such a good relationship with my Gran, most of my friends didn’t even know their gran. Today sucks. I can’t believe I’m not going to see that face again.

hey hey

The managers on the night shift are some of the most lazy and incompetent people I’ve ever had the displeasure of gracing. Their not like the old team of last year who actually cared. There’s this one guy in particular who at the start of his shift, loads up his computer, taps a few times on his keyboard and then heads over to one of the lasses in a different area and invites them over. Advance 1 hour and this lass he has invited over is still sat in his company and they are all giggling away, doing jackshit. While the rest of us are popping veins trying to get through the calls. And how could I be doing any work if I’m noticing what he’s doing? Well, I’ve been trying to get his attention for the last 40 minutes to sort out a problem.
Then there is Steve, who at first I appreciated his humours style, but like Dave has become too personal for my liking. I simply went to ask him a question and he just gave me the middle finger. Uh-hu, ok then, sure, whatever. I sat there in disbelief at this so called supervisors lack of professionalism and blatant disrespect. Imagine if that happened in an important job?
“Excuse me doctor but this man needs a liver transplant now!”
Doctor gives nurse middle finger and walks away.
Nice one Steve, you twat. Its funny how the bonds I made with people in the first year are still holding up today. Each one of them still throw me a hello and a how are you. It was good when it was just the 7 of us.
Now though, the new starters are taking over, each one of them unfriendly. Its like in a sitcom, when a character leaves and they try to replace it with someone else, it never works. If things had been like this a year ago, I would of ended up with no friends at work.
I sat there and realised a lot of these people were unhappy with their career….especially the managers. Steve for example is 23-24 and all he is doing is sat at a terminal, monitoring call volumes. I then thought about the invitation I have to America in February and gave off a huge sigh of relief.

Someday Sunday

Guess what I did today? I took over a few towns in Italy.
I bought Rome: Total War…its an excellent game. Me and dad have been devising strategies all afternoon to try and build an empire. At first i wanted a well thought out formation, but I ended up just charging at the enemy. Fun.
I’ve felt a little better today. Things are still swirling around in my head, but they just seem to be a bit less intrusive today. What’s missing from me is that self belief to stand in front of people and lay it all out on the line. Here is me, with my faults and my positives. That self belief so I’m not concerned about what people think of me.

I’m feeling low baby

What to write. I want to write something, I wish I could sit here and write something good and uplifting for a change. I read on loners blog about how if she committed suicide would anyone even notice or care. When walking home from work I put this upon myself, only my parents would be effected. I know life is not a popularity contest but I’d like to know my personality is at least ok. But I guess it isn’t, people at work fall over themselves for each other, but when it comes to me its like I don’t exist. I remember leaving work for my week off, no-one batted an eyelid, no-one cared.
I’ve always been on my side though, but now I look at myself and I’m not sure anymore. My 10 year old cousin is in the football academy at leeds, we were at a family get together and he announced to everyone in the room that his new hair style was going to attract even more girls. Everyone laughed, and everyone knew he was right. He’s like Aaron my old mate from the neighbourhood, he’s always had it with the ladies. But he doesn’t just have that X-factor, he is also rated as one of the best at Leeds academy. My uncle rings up every week to give us an update on my cousins marvellous exploits. So am I jealous of my 10 year old cousin? I’d like to say no but I just cannot compare. When I won a trophy and medal for a poem I wrote, my uncles were not impressed by that, after all poetry is lame right? They want to see my cousin score a hat-trick and then have a few pints down the pub. Who can blame them though eh?

And Leeds drew again today, that’s 3 games without a goal. Fucking bollocks. I remember a time I actually used to get excited over Leeds playing , not anymore though. I can’t even switch on match of the day and see them now…I have to watch goals on Sunday, which only shows 2 minute highlights of the games.
And then there is music. Is Michael Jackson ever going to release a new album? And even then he can’t dance like he used to.
And then there is that cute girl at college who I will never get to know because she doesn’t want to get to know me. She prefers this annoying gay guy. And I’m not a homophobe, but he is just ridiculous and arrogant.
And then there is Sally.
And then there is my grans funereal.

My dog is cool though, dogs are ace. They’ll just sit next to you with no terms and conditions applied.

Adder

A stranger was downstairs just I had finished in the toilet. I went backup stairs and she followed asking “where is the B&Q section”. I tried to be pleasant and helpful, and told her where she needed to go. Then she just whizzed off without so much as a thank you. So I walked back to my workstation and slumped in front of my PC. She was so absent when I tried to create conversation. Maybe I was just the annoying guy, maybe too much like Ned Flanders?
Helen is a godsend. Every time we sit next to each other we have a laugh. There are so many people who are uptight. Cant say this because you offend that, cant talk to one person because they tell everyone else what you said.

Ugh.

And what about Sally, who I will never understand. I noticed last night that I have been a total suck up with her, empty compliments that mean nothing. Hollow praise when not necessary. Time to get a grip man and realise nothing will ever happen.

So what’s on the bright side of my life? I’m looking but its not clear. Every day that passes I seem to be falling further away.
I want to go to town with my gran tomorrow, then go up to her house and have a warm meal. I miss her.