You won’t be needing this

Ahh foo.
So I’m 20 now. Eek!
None of you got me birthday presents!
The team at work were real nice yesterday but what the fuck is going on with Nina? Her mate Mary was real sweet today and had told Mark we all got really well. At the end of the shift me and Mark were talking (he lied to me about liking the film we saw last week!) and Nina and Mary came down the steps…and I just saw that look on her face…*I want to embarrass you!*
The first thing she says is “did you enjoy the movie last week” insinuating that it is no way to spend a Saturday night and I said I thought it was ok and she blurts out “Well Mark said it was boring”
Err Ok….so a moment of awkwardness followed. Mark felt uncomfortable and so did I. I didn’t care if he didn’t like the film really so why say it in such a way? I felt really embarrassed and, yea, I didn’t handle it too well. I got embarrassed and waited for them to leave. Me and Mark picked up our conversation when Mary and Nina left.
It was one of those situations where after the event is happening you can’t help but think of things you should have said. Bugger.
And now I won’t see her again until next Thursday at the earliest. What disturbs me is that I’m not asking for her to jump all over me but just be friendly at least.
She has an evil glint in her eye.
But anyways…..NOT TO DWELLL

Gods little comedy

Yvonne has become a good mate lately. She’s easy to get on with and has a quirky sense of humour. You can throw up any topic to her and chat about it. You don’t get that with a lot of people.
Nina wasn’t in work today. I don’t wanna say I built my whole morning up to the prospect of seeing her but was definitely interested to see how she would be today.
As it turns out though she wasn’t there.
Her hours are always changing. So today has been pap. I haven’t done any college work this week, I just haven’t felt motivated to do it.

Keep the conviction

There are a lot of ways to look at life. Past experiences have bred mistrust into my analysis.
But It’s pointless at the end of the day. Today was very hard at work and I came home feeling like shit. Once I relaxed and unwound my mood started to pick up and then it hit me just how fortunate I am to be able to go home and really get away from ‘out there’…and it’s nothing to do with being a recluse or anything like that, it’s just nice to be able to put on music that I like, watch TV and just generally relax.
It’s easy to fear the world outside and it is also easy to forget just what we do have going for us. I admit that I would like my personal situation to improve but compared to where I was few months ago…there is a vast difference.
I went into work today with a frown on my face, preparing myself for a crap day…and that’s just what I got.
For my 20th year on earth I want to try a more upbeat approach. There are times when I will be way down but as long as I keep dragging myself up then that’s all that matters.
I look at how things came together with Nina. For the period where we were getting closer I was going though a period of time when I was making very positive interactions with people. Although blogs of that time may suggest otherwise…when I got out there…I was on.
The last couple of weeks however have weighed me down and I’m not being true anymore. I’m either faking niceties or just completely blanking people. Neither is good.
The bottom line is: If I do go everywhere with a frown then I really will have nobody, but if I am enthusiastic about people...maybe someday I will.
Now which do I choose?
There isn’t an option really is there?

For the flag

Funny Wednesday shift is off tomorrow. I’ve got to sit somewhere else for whatever reason. Today has been stressful.
We’ve been told at work to go for a more American attitude when dealing with customers.
“Have a nice day sir”
…and all of that. It’s all bollocks really…the Americanisation of the world is quite depressing.
The amount of surveillance staff are under in our workplace now is very alarming. Apparently they have ways of hearing us even when our mikes are turned off. Are they that suspicious?
Yesterday I noticed this chap watching me the whole time as I walked to work. At first I wondered if it was Ben…I couldn’t see the face properly. Every now and then I have to rationalise how things ended with Ben. Maybe out of guilt, maybe out of justification - I’m not sure. It’s been 2 years since we spoke and in that 2 years so much has changed. It was a surreal little bubble that me and Ben lived in for a period of time. Quitting college at 16 and not doing anything until I was 18. Those 2 years were lost but it was necessary. We both needed a break from society and that may sound stupid to say but that’s just how it was. Neither of us wanted to study or work, we just wanted to write a Tv show or something. It was a part of my life that was extremely negative but as I said before…necessary. Then I had a buddy to share everything with, worries, fears…everything. I think it was too much though. I remember one time, it must have been the summer of 2002, the stars were out and we spent Saturday night down a field lamenting life. By the end we came to the conclusion that however we were feeling we could just look up and it all became so simple. Well that lasted about 1 day before we reverted back. I miss being able to share that much with someone…I’d be lying if I said I didn’t, but I am a true independent now.
I wish Nina worked a couple more days a week. It sucks that she’s only in towards the end of the week. I need to get another night out with her organised. I wish she’d just start some dialogue with me first though. I looked back at the e-mails she’d sent me from the 5 previous weeks before last Sunday and there was just all the ingredients for two people to really start liking each other. At first she was timid to get into any kind of detailed conversation but then gradually as the days passed the e-mails begin to light up with enthusiasm and humour.
Truth be told. That Sunday where we kissed was exactly what I wanted…of course it would be….a girl who you really like actually starts sticking her tongue down your throat…whose gonna turn their back on that? But if you’d have told me that it was gonna cause this distance maybe I would have been more hesitant. Dave left a comment about me giving her space and while agree with that, I just can’t help this feeling that me and Nina just won’t happen…
My “career” is on stand by. All I know to do is keep with the courses and that’s it. My mind is always miles away from thinking about future prospects. There’s far too much personal shit to get sorted first.
Anyone who reads this will know the day I am satisfied in my personal life…’cos it will be the day I stop blogging.

Green

Phew. That’s the weekend covered. I got a couple of invites for the weekend so that eliminates any angst for what to do at the weekend. Thank God.
The election is nearing and I’ve decided who I am voting for. They won’t get in but I just feel they represent me best…or closest anyway.
My college teacher is sick this week so there are no lessons. Yey, I get to watch both champions league games now.

Foreign land

I caught a film last night with Mark. It was actually pretty funny.
Mark moved up here last year and lives in a flat somewhere by himself. As the evening was about to begin, darkness was slowly creeping up and the skyline of the city was rather beautiful. It was amber and the fields that stretch for miles back seemed almost intoxicating.
The place was packed, not just the cinema but the pizza bars, the nightclub…everywhere was packed full of people looking for a good time. I saw people on dates, groups of friends and people on their own. Yet there seemed to be something that made me and Mark stand out. Asif we were foreigners checking out the local hot spots. It was very much just get in, watch a film and get out kind of situation.
Earlier in the day I had been concerned about my Saturday night…I really didn’t want to be indoors. Initially at work I had sat down on a seat a few places away from Nina…not intentionally…but it was just convenient. Then these nob heads started to fill out the area so I decided to move and sit next to Mark.
Before that however I went to get a glass of water and I said Hi to Nina, I could of completely ignored her like I was feeling or I could have been completely falling all over her, which is how I was feeling too. But I just rationalised in my head and came to the conclusion that whatever it was we had was completely dead…so why act like a prick?
So I said Hi and moved away promptly. By the way she didn’t respond.
And that was it. I talked to Mark for most of the morning and suggested we catch a film…lets save both our embarrassing Saturday nights.
I’m fearful of the future to be honest. I have college and a job but that’s all professional. I’m fearful of waking up this summer and there been nobody there. I’m fearful of turning 20 next week with no-one but parents to celebrate it with. At least being 20 marks a numerical end to my teen years….closure.
Who knows what is in store for me within the next decade?
It’s just a damn shame things didn’t work out with Nina. I’m real gutted about it and its hard reverting back to having no-one on the horizon again.

Rough edge

It’s amazing how this week has worked out. It started with such promise and it was like a breath of fresh air.
Then one conversation changes the whole outlook.
Was I foolish to think that me and Nina would actually get together? Perhaps I was foolish. But a person in my situation is gullible.
I feel like someone’s attached a £5.00 note on the end of a string and every time I reach out it’s pulled away from me.
Tomorrow is Saturday night and my stomach has an intense sickly feeling every time I think about it. With no-one to call or nowhere to go, I anticipate an evening of pap.
It will be my birthday in exactly 7 days.
I’ll be starting a new decade and it was close to being a new life, at least for a little while.

Illusion

Yesterday I may have given the impression of a man saved from the depths of his mental hell. Today is a new day however.
It was a backwards day. So far it had been a dodgy week with people. Today though, people were talking with me who had previously through the week ignored me.
It came at a price though. It was a bad sign that Nina didn’t e-mail when she got in at work.
OK OK, so I just e-mail her right?
Right.
As the day progressed it became obvious she thought Sundays actions were a mistake. At one point she even claimed she was “looking after me”….yea if that’s what you want to call it!
Then those dreaded words appeared across my screen “You didn’t tell anyone did you!?”
Yea I did. I told your fucking boyfriend who got his dick sucked by your supposed best mate. I thought he’d shown such good character towards you that I would reward him with honesty. Well, I didn’t tell him ‘cos I don’t even know the dude.
I don’t feel down…I don’t feel negative and I don’t feel sad. I feel justified and maybe I should have known better.
On a lighter note. Mark was pictured holding a real FA cup at his local ASDA….awww I want my picture with the FA cup. I told Mark to keep the picture under close scrutiny as I may attempt a cut and paste job if not supervised. Although it would look obviously fake….not because of a shoddy editing job, but for the fact I would be in my leeds top…now when is anyone associated with Leeds ever gonna get their hands on an FA cup???
Mark is such a good guy. One of those people you can look at and say “this guy has never and will never be a nob head”.
Note: If Nina were to show me affection tomorrow then I will retract 90% of this entry.
Fingers crossed.

Poverty heart

I finally found a tactic that works on football manager 2005. I’ve owned the game about a month and so far have failed miserably in my attempts of success.
But now I have a tactic which is serving me well.
I just thought you should know that.
Moving on.
It feels like crunch time is approaching. I’m not asking Nina out unless she dumps her boyfriend. I’m not getting involved in any potential triangle situation. I’m not sure what to do now. Was the other night just a semi-drunken play act or something with substance?
At least I’m focusing on other things these days. The reason I didn’t do a full time course again is because I just wouldn’t put enough effort into it to succeed. Ever since me and Ben stopped talking I’ve felt like I was battling through life alone….It felt like I was just trying to survive the daily confusion that I was presented with. I developed an unrealistic crush on Sally just simply to give my life some kind of colour…some kind of dream. It’s hard to wake up each morning with little motivation for the day ahead but that’s what I was doing. I point to last summer in particular when each boiling day would pass without significance. In an odd way I was content with life then. My grans death really blew away the ground beneath me and suddenly I was not content any more. Months and months passed of sheer mental anguish….there were times when I thought suicide might be a life plan worth looking at. It wasn’t because I was lazy, untalented, dull or any other personality trait, it was just simply that I felt alone.
I remember one particular day when catching the bus home from college. There was me and about 2 other people sitting down. It was dark and wet outside and I just remember this feeling of sheer dread drowning me. At that point life seemed hollow. The worst part about all of this was the lack of control I had….I couldn’t force anyone to be with me could I?
Where this thing with Nina came from I have no idea. I got the feeling she didn’t want to speak to me for a couple of months after Christmas but now it’s so different…
When we kissed those feelings of alienation, angst, fury, regret and self pity all floated away. It was like someone was whispering in my ear saying “See, everything is OK”
And that is all I crave deep down. I realise that maybe I am too analytical and sappy but that’s just the way I was made. In the moments we kissed, that was all life was about…and all life was meant to be about. Fuck money, fuck material goods, fuck a career, fuck worry, fuck work, fuck school…you get my point here?

I told you from the start just how this would end,
But I get what I want

So what happens now?

Never Tomorrow

It is quite unbelievable the amount of cheating that has gone on. I found out that Jim cheated on his girlfriend who he is living with and has a kid to. It aint nothing new. Seems everyone is cheating these days.
That’s why I would be hesitant to enter a proper relationship. I don’t think I could handle the stress.
I’m just having one of those days where I question the moral fibre of our society. I see it all around, people pulling the rug from under one another. It seems the only way to avoid the mess is to simply not partake.
Which is pretty much what I have done for the last 3 years.
I would like to make a grand gesture for Nina. Something that shows my interest in her is raging. And believe me…it is raging. I’ve been thinking about her for 75% of today which only leaves 25% for work and college. Not good.
She told me she wouldn’t have sex with me for 6 months.
“hey I can change deodorant if that’s the problem here????”
Nah, she makes all her boyfriends wait that long. That’s fine….its been a long time anyway.
Wait a minute. I’m not even her boyfriend. Oh shit yea.

Flowing

They say the best moment for a band is just before they make it big.
Me and Nina kissed for the first time last night. We were talking to each other all night.
She said at one point she would leave her boyfriend for me if I proved I liked her when I was completely sober. I had drunk a fair bit yesterday but I was in very good shape. Very alert. I told her then how I really felt about her.
So now it is a weird situation. Last time we went out she was in my ear for part of the night telling me certain things but I didn’t know if I could believe it or not. But surely a kiss is proof?
There are so many complications that could arise if we were a couple so maybe now is the best moment between me and Nina….just before we would ever be together.
Or maybe it was just a drunk action????
Noidea.com
It is turning out to be an interesting year

Target tart

Haha
Back to this hu?
I had a brief social life. What was it? 3, 4 weeks?
Suppose I have to accept the fact that I do not work socially. I was always secretly happy when people asked me to go out to a bar etc even when I said no all the time. At least they always asked me. It was comforting and I felt asif I could slip into Mr Social as soon my anxiousness subsided.
Then I started going out. Now people have stopped asking me out.
Saturday night is approaching. It’s like I’ve just moved to a new city and I don’t know anyone…how can a place you’ve lived in for 20 years feel like a mystery town?
I never know what is going to happen round here. I’m staring at a blank wall and my aunty is staring back.
“Your aunty?”
Yes. She’s 50.…alone, surrounded by animals as a way to reduce the loneliness. She lives in a small flat and she can’t afford to put her heating on. She doesn’t have friends, she doesn’t have boyfriends….SHE IS ALONE.
Tonight she will be watching a film she has rented out. I will be doing the same thing. She’ll have some snacks prepared. I will also have some snacks prepared.
Aint life wonderful?
Feel like I’ve been handed a life sentence.
Anyways, that’s enough of the negative. Marks moving into a new house, I should have offered to help but it didn’t cross my mind at the time.

Plan of consequence

It’s 2035. Not much has changed. The world is still at war with itself. Space is as unexplored as before. A charity single is released every year…we are on band aid 30 by now, I think…mmm I forget there has been so many. There have many been medical improvements but as we continued to make progress….more and more lethal bugs and viruses developed as a result.
So yea….not much has changed in 30 years. I had good fortune selling my parents house…it went for a nice amount. Ever since they passed on I’ve been trying to get rid of it. Tenants never worked out.
I should redecorate the flat but there really isn’t any point. It will only mess up my routine. My routine is now final and is as follows:
Monday - Work
Tuesday - Work
Wednesday - Day off. Go for a walk. Internet. TV.
Thursday - Work
Friday - Work
Saturday - Day off. Watch football. Rent a film.
Sunday - See Wednesday
I ran into an old buddy the other day. He lives in a big house in Sheffield. 4 kids and a wife. Takes holidays in Spain every year. I have my routine though.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Present day:
What happens if I end up alone?

Need it all

Much better day today. Thank goodness , I could not have had another day like yesterday.
Nina had to be all cute and attractive…damnit.
She’s far too good for my rottenness.
I’m watching the Newcastle match and I find myself really supporting them. Maybe I should defect from Leeds?

Finale

What the hell has happened this week?
As soon as I started blogging again everything turned to shit…
I think I know what I have to do…

Down the ladder

I’m fed up with peoples attitude towards me.

People have no respect. This twat at work actually wrote on an A4 piece of paper “Keep off Alex” in regards to me sitting in his chair on his day off. Everyone sits anywhere at work and no-one usually minds.

Oh but wait, fate sees an opportunity for someone else to disrespect me again. You might be reading this and thinking “It’s just a note…get over it” and while I’d like to buy into that theory, there is just this niggling inclination that this guy would rather talk to a piece of dog shit than speak two words to me.

No respect.

At college, people just talk over me. When I go out and socialise, I’m usually the scapegoat for other people’s enjoyment…THAT IS WHY I HATE GOING OUT…the joke is always on me.

No respect.

“It’s like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder how I keep from going under”

I sat there at work and considered this lack of respect.

Maybe it’s my fault, maybe I’m too like this…or too like that.

Fuck that…I AM A STAND UP GUY. That’s right…self belief in my character. It’s just everyone else’s character I have doubts about. I saw Dale on the way home…I’ve known him for 15 years and he ignored me! Haha! He ignored me….15 years…ignored me…15 years.

But Alex did you say hi?

YES!

No wonder I attempted a recluse lifestyle ‘cos 90% of people are selfish, materialistic, shallow, ignorant and disrespectful

“Don’t push me ‘cos I’m close to the edge”

Look at Jason…he’s 3 years older than me and he has a kid. He has no money…can’t feed ‘em, can’t raise ‘em…but fuck it, lets shower this loser with gifts of respect and adulation.

Sad things is I don’t consider him a loser really, I only say that as an angry reaction.

I’m going to buy a fucking shotgun and kill everyone bar a few people.

Professional stress

Slog of a day. I woke up late which is always a terrible way to start the day. My mum called me with a panicked tone.
“Shit”
I rushed into the shower, getting out with shampoo still frothing in my hair.
Then there was work. Then there was college.
And it all sucked.
I should have stayed in bed. Do you ever have those days where you just feel out of it? Like you don’t fit in anywhere?
This wanker at college wouldn’t shut up. All the way through he was just talking, talking, talking. He always had to comment on anything that was being said.
His annoying face would snigger with anticipation as he awaited his next opportunity to interrupt.

Poppin’ tyres

People, people, people.
Confused and slightly distressed. That’s how I view people. One day they’re friendly and sorted. The next day they are quite simply…not.
I appreciate the attention from Nina. The dynamics of our relationship have changed somewhat over the course of 3 weeks. We nearly hooked up that one night but my conscience got the better of me. God what a wuss. If I had stepped it up more she would have gone for it but then I’d be a hypocrite.
“I’d never go with a girl who had a boyfriend”
And there it was. Staring me point blank in my face. Do I go with this girl who I’m attracted to and forget about what happens after, let her deal with it. Or do I stand by my word. I picked the second because, I guess, there never was a choice.
A lot of the people I know would have picked the first option and a small minority would have chosen the second. The people who would have picked the second are generally people I really respect. That’s not down to purely what their decision would be in that situation. But simply because I get on well with them and we have similar characters.
So anyways, I missed out. And now I’m in that acquaintances category. She invited me to go shopping with Mary, another girl at work.
Yup…just an acquaintance….no more.
I think she pity’s me. Is there anything worse than being pitied?
What a pity eh?
I shouldn’t let other people’s views and opinions affect me. Just sometimes they dominate my consciousness.
“It’s a crazy world we live in…and I’m proud to be a part of it”

Engine noise

Yea I told lies for a while. I had to save face.
My 3 closest buddies all hated each other. Obviously something had to give. Why couldn’t we have been like 4 amigos? That was harsh. I only keep in contact with one of them now. When I look at this, I realise just what a bugger that is. It made things difficult no doubt. So I lied. I lied to people at college and I lied to people at work.
“What you doing this weekend?”
“I’m going out with buddies”
But in truth, there were no buddies. Instead of all 3 of us going out, I had to negotiate the situation with all 3 of them. So why is Louis the only one left I’ve kept in contact with? Because he is my perfect buddy in a way….we can just hang out, have a laugh and have a drink. With Aaron it was similar for years until we just grew apart. With Ben it was too deep, we went though hell together and in the end it tore us apart.
It’s easy on the internet to admit…I have few friends, it’s easy because anyone reading this doesn’t know me personally. At work though, I see people checking messages and taking calls on their mobile phones. They all seem highly popular. Whereas I don’t have too many friends anymore. I could admit this to them and become belittled for the rest of my student and working life but I’d rather just keep my head above water for now.
Nina kind of knows though. She always asks what I’m up to. She’s at Uni so she has a cracking social life. She’s on to me though…lol
I’m going out with her and the extroverts next week…..again.
In a few days, I’ll be 20 (I expect presents from you all!) and thus marks the end of my teenage years. Have I enjoyed my teen years? The answer is no. 5 years of hell somewhere in between really crushed me……
BUT that was then, although sometimes I feel bad about what I went though. I also remember that the experience taught me sooooo much. It taught me about other people.
Me and Aaron were pretty horrible to these kids who used to hang round our area. We were bully’s. At that time I was coasting through life, but then came second school and I tasted my own shit. Suddenly I was on the receiving end. It made me realise that it’s important to treat everyone, when I first meet them, the same. Forget what everyone else says….just act how I feel.
I must shut-up now & I apologise for this entry making no sense.
I want to talk about diet for a moment. I’m considering eating 6 small meals throughout the day to increase my weight.
I said just a moment.

While I’m killing

This particular entry has been long overdue. During the family wedding a couple of months back I noticed a particular attitude of the people who were in the army. It was a massive military affair with swords, medals and gunshots…the full works. My cousin Ray who was the one getting wed flies helicopters and has been to Iraq etc. I had been given the delightful obligation of taking pictures of our side of the family (maybe they didn’t want me in any of them?) and outside the church I asked Ray for a quick photo.
“Go on then, just 1, quickly”
He posed with his eyes slightly above the horizon, chin-up and arms by his side. It was reminiscent of those Beckham billboards we see where Beckham is trying to portray the image of a God. And here was my cousin Ray…the medals had clearly gone to his head. The whole army attitude throughout the weekend was that of superiority. The best man would not say one word to me all weekend, he probably doesn’t respect the fact that I work part-time and currently studying at college. People from all over came, not one word against the army could be muttered. This was truly Tony Blairs England. Herds of sheep blindly following a totalitarian idea. The mothers smiled proudly as the British flags flapped in the gentle breeze. They were married at a country house. You know the type, where descendents off those who instigated and thus became so wealthy off the slave trade live. Generations of snobbery and ignorance. Generations of dictatorship and wealth. Now I was here, partying with these warmongers.
If you join the army that is completely your choice, but remember that you are aiding the worst of mankind, and if there is such a thing as hell then your place is already booked. I hate the fucking military.
I guess certain circumstances require an army…world war 2 anyone?
But is this world war 2 anymore? I read in the news that we are at threat from nuclear strikes from Iraq…not one nuclear strike happens and then we are told there weren’t any WMD’s. Go figure, at least the army got to kill a few Iraqi kids. Sleep tight you macho dickheads.
Moving on. I saw the different side of Liam today. My suspicions were confirmed. He was talking about an incident yesterday in which a manger was pipping at him in his car. Liam came in today ranting that he would kill this manager.
Huh?
Liam has a very good character but I know that he has an anger inside of him which would allow him to summon fire at will.
I dreamt I was a preacher last night. Me and Sam Kinison were arguing with some catholic guys. Strange.

Indoors

I’ve felt a different kind of low this week. I’ve been hurt you see….wounded. I went out and out and out and I thought I’d met a girl that might actually be interested in me. No matter how much I downplayed it, no matter how much water I threw on the fire I still felt it. Then you get told…
“I was only joking”
Yea I kinda knew. I shouldn’t have been so blind. It’s just the fact that I have to face work again next week and no doubt everyone will know. Why didn’t I take heed of my post a couple Monday’s back? If only I would have read and followed through, then I wouldn’t be feeling like this. I felt bad before because I’d never really tried to mix with the extroverts from work, I’d never tried to get to know Nina outside work. So I couldn’t complain if there was no friendship between us. But now I have and it’s even worse. I got asked along to be their figure of fun. She asked me to go, so she could pump her ego up and get a laugh at the same time.
I’m going to have a nap because I’m bored.