Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty

“Where exactly are you going Alex?”

“Across the Atlantic my friend”

“You’ll have to be more specific”

“Orlando, Florida”

Work was….mixed

I started my fitness regime, I went to bed a lot earlier, got up like a spring chicken and did a good 45 min workout. It felt really good or more to the point…really healthy, something which I had lost with the really late nights and no exercise. It also makes you feel empowered, stronger and just more alert with things.
The decent people said hello at work, the others…didn’t. Steve is a twat, he really is, but he is very, very funny. If he didn’t have the humour, he would be a completely horrible person.
Amy was very flirty with the male population tonight, she is stunning and very attractive. She kept lifting her hair up and you could sense all the blokes in the room turning their heads simultaneously to gander. A movie line from Cool Hand Luke came to me “She knows exactly what she’s doing”

Sunday

I’m nervous about going back to work. I know the place, the people etc but still I’m feeling anxious about going back.
I’m getting that old feeling of when the 6 weeks holidays were over at school. When the glorious summers ended and it was back to school to start stressing over exams. Was there a greater feeling than breaking up from school for the summer? The sheer joy of 6 weeks without.
So yes I’m nervous about work tomorrow….ugh, some of the people there put me off going back.

Volume 3

My lack of writing ideas at the moment is unbelievable. I cannot think of anything original. When I actually write something and read back through it, it seems like the worst thing ever written.
I can belt out an article and a poem no problem, but I want to be able to write a story. The first problem though is getting an idea that I will stick to, an idea that I am passionate about.
I’m just severely lacking in motivation at the moment. I start my training regime on Monday, exercise bike and weights. I have been totally off my weights for ages now, but I want to build up my physical conditioning again. I’m also changing my sleeping pattern, just so I can actually wake up in the morning and do some exercise. Staying up late is great but only until I actually look at what I’m doing. Sitting in front of the computer doing jack shit.
That’s the way my life is at the minute, well , probably for a lot more than a minute.

Crazy which is spelt A-L-E-X_L-E-E

I’ll be in my 20’s next year. I’m intent on not wasting anytime for that entire decade, it’s the decade where teen angst has disappeared and you really are free. Too many people I know are wasting this lush decade by not experiencing anything. By experience, for me it means to travel. Simple as…to see the world. I’ve been trapped in this little town for a long time, but there are so many wonderful things to see out there.
A problem I must get over is the fact that I wouldn’t want to go alone. I would love to go with a g/f but if that doesn’t work out I cannot be restricted.
“I’m crazy, crazy for feeling so lonely”
“I’m crazy, crazy for feeling so blue”
“Worry, why do I let myself worry”
“Wondering, what in the world did I do”
“I’m crazy”

Purple haze all inside my brain

What on earth is happening to our nice little cul-de-sac?
Fires, revenge, vendettas, burglaries, brawls, shootings (!!!) and it wouldn’t be complete without drug dealings. What next though? A terrorist attack???
Its amazing how much racism still exists, well not really amazing. My parents went to look at a house at the weekend and some white neighbours came out, they started bleating on about how they “don’t want paki’s moving in” they carried on ranting on and on about why there are too many Asians and why black people are evil, and then they finished with the classic line…
“but I’m not a racist”
Why do people carry so much bitterness inside of themselves. It’s like an old man up at the top of our road used to say, “Hitler had it right”…..errr what????? you ignorant old twat
Purple haze all inside my brain

Automatic systematic

I keep buying songs of !tunes. Its becoming an addiction, everyday I scout around through the various genres of songs to see if there is anything that might be worth splashing 79p on…there always is of course. I’ve spent £36 all together, that is at least £10 too much.
I got a couple of great Alicia Keys songs.
Rambo 2 is on now, its an OK film. First blood is better. Sly Stallone is a farmer though…he milks his cows for all their worth. Rocky and Rambo.
I have really nothing to say but I’m trying to get into the habit of writing an entry everyday.
College was fun, the welsh guy is a laugh. He was ranting about George Bush and “fucking idiot” was mentioned in the conversation numerous times. Are the American people propagandised to such an extent that you could compare it to the nazi propaganda that circled before Hitler was elected? Extreme national pride seems to be the makeup of both campaigns.
I like America though, I’d love to go to quite a few of the city’s over there. It has this aura of excitement and “big time” stapled into its appeal.
It is also the birthplace of my 3 favourite artists; Michael Jackson, Eminem (although his new album is testing my patience) , and Kurt Cobain

Bounced out the door

Damn writing a story is hard. I’ve got a few ideas but getting them down and actually trying to construct a cohesive story is quite difficult. I’ll be getting back a graded short story I wrote last week, that will show me how good I actually am at stories and hopefully point out some thing’s I can do to improve.
I’m trying to write a children’s short story ‘cos I figure:
Short story = children’s cult following = full book = movie rights = fame and fortune
There was a reporter job going in the local paper and although I couldn’t apply, it gave me a great feeling because it proves jobs will be available for my preferred career.
I’m listening to a great LL cool J song….“Father”, at the beginning he says something like “We all feel pain, we all go through things…but its time to overcome all that” I felt inspired by that line.

If i aint got you

Parents anniversary dinner tonight. It was actually a good laugh. My grandad came along for the ride and while the presence of my gran was sorely missed, we still had a good time without becoming emotional or sad.
I have next week off work…fantastic, I have a dozen things to write and send off, I plan to get a lot of odd jobs done this week. Stupid little things that build up, things like organising my college folder. It seems petty but its been bugging me for ages.
Things ended with Sally pretty badly yesterday. I wont see her for a couple of weeks, and its been left on a sore point. She made a gay innuendo about myself so I reacted in a jokingly fashion by reeling off some nicely directed swearwords. All in jest, or so I thought, but it turns out she was offended, although I don’t know to be fair. We had a pretty brash conversation before I left last night and I felt a lingering sense of guilt and regret all night. I could relax though as I would see her at work this morning. Turns out however, she wasn’t working today . Ah nuts. Its been on my mind most of the day and I just hope it doesn’t fog this week.
I just don’t get it with her though, she has had opportunities to totally blow me off but she will still say something or take action that keeps me questioning “will we get it together….”
Ah nuts.

Jabba

I have finally mastered beans on toast. Something we all can do probably, but for me, this is a major breakthrough. Cooking used to be a big obstacle, preventing me from feeling free to roam the world without fear of starvation, but now I can make; cornflakes, beans on toast, spaghetti, cheese on toast, and anything else to do with toast. May I also add that I make the best toast ever, even my mum had to gasp in amazement.
Today’s blog however isn’t about toast (surprisingly), no it’s about being happy or unhappy. I can’t say I feel happy nor unhappy. I wish certain things in my life would pick up, but at the same time I’m satisfied and grateful for things I do have. I love those moments in life where you feel like an unstoppable force. Like last night for instant, I was on fire, but today the insecurities came flooding back. My dad said to me that he didn’t lose most of his insecurities until he got into his 20’s, I feel that at the end of the day that is all I need, to just feel secure with my self, or to use that term “comfortable in my own skin”.
What scares me the most is the lack of people I have in my life. I don’t seem to be able to get any deep connections with people before them or me blob.

Not like that at all

It was a good day. I woke up and the sun shined. I did a good workout. I had a great lunch. I listened to some of my favourite music. Work was great. Got on with everyone. Came home and had a great tea. Watched my favourite programme - The Simspons. Now I’m sat her writing this feeling….shitty.

It's a broke day but everything is ok (It's ok)
I'm up all night but everything is alright (It's alright)
It's a rough week and I don't get enough sleep (I can't sleep)
It's a long year pretending I belong here (Belong here)
It's a broke day but everything is ok (It's ok)
I'm up all night but everything is alright (It's alright)
It's a rough week, and I don't get enough sleep (I can't sleep)
It's a long year pretending I belong here (Belong here)

One day I plan to be a family man happily married
I wanna grow to be so old that I have to be carried
Till I'm glad to be buried
And leave this crazy world
And have at least a half a million for my baby girl
It may be early to be planning this stuff
Cause I'm still struggling hard to be the man, and it's tough
Cause man it's been rough, but still I manage enough
I've been taken advantage of, damaged and scuffed
My hands have been cuffed
But I don't panic and huff, frantic and puff
Or plan to give up, the minute shit hits the fan it erupts
I'm anteing up double or nothing, I've been trouble enough
And I'm sick of struggling and suffering, see
My destiny's to rest at ease, till I'm impressed and pleased
With my progress, I won't settle for less than cheese
I'm on a quest to seize all, my own label to call
Way before my baby is able to crawl
I'm too stable to fall, the pressure motivates
To know I hold the weight of boulders on my shoulder blades
I seen the golden gates to heaven on Earth
Where they don't pull a weapon on you when you stepping on turf, Q

I'm going for broke, gambling and playing for keeps
Everyday in the streets, scrambling and paying for cheep
Praying for sleep
Dreaming with a watering mouth
Wishing for a better life for my daughter and spouse
In this slaughtering house, caught up in bouts
With the root of all evil
I've seen it turn beautiful people crude and deceitful
And make them do shit illegal
For these Grant's and Jackson's
These transactions explain a man's actions
But in the mist of this insanity, I found my Christianity
Through God and there's a wish he granted me
He showed me how to cope with the stress
And hope for the best, instead of mope and depressed
Always groping a mess, of flying over the nest
To selling dope with the rest
I quit smoking cess to open my chest
Life is stressful inside this cesspool
Trying to wrestle, I almost bust a blood vessel
My little brother's trying to learn his mathematics
He's asthmatic, running home from school away from crack addicts
Kids attract static, children with automatics
Taking target practice on teens for Starter Jackets
I'm using smarter tactics to overcome this slum
I won't become as dumb as some and succumb to scum
It's cumbersome, I'm trying to do well on this Earth
But it's been Hell on this Earth since I fell on this Earth

It's a broke day but everything is ok (It's ok)
I'm up all night, but everything is alright (It's alright)
It's a rough week, and I don't get enough sleep (I can't sleep)
It's a long year pretending I belong here (Belong here)
It's a broke day but everything is ok (It's ok)
I'm up all night, but everything is alright (It's alright)
It's a rough week, and I don't get enough sleep (I can't sleep)
It's a long year pretending I belong here (Belong here)
Uh, it's ok, yeah it's alright, even though I can't sleep
Uh yeah, it's ok, it's alright, I can't sleep

This is insainia

I’ve really had a great flurry of ideas for some short stories recently. I don’t quite know how to explain the sudden increase in ideas, but rather than ponder, I’ve been trying to execute. Writing is such a wonderful expression, especially for someone like myself who doesn’t find it that easy to reveal himself in person. I wish I had taken more care with this blog and wrote out some better posts, but I just tried to make it as emotionally real as possible….hiding nothing.
As for an update of my life…work was pretty crappy today, the middle of the week is always a battle. A woman at work has become very clingy, she is 26 years old and everyday she e-mails me about her “crush”. I know who her crush is and she has no chance, mainly because this guy is a scumbag. Today though she asked me to keep sending her mails to make her laugh, I immaturely choose to ignore her e-mails, maybe she is feeling really down now??? I feel guilty because if it had been a girl I was attracted to I would have e-mailed her until my computer blew up. I hide my shallowness very well in real life, that’s why these girls I’m not interested in always get the wrong idea.
I don’t know, what is a lad to do?

and you....you would be queen

I saw one of the best films I’ve seen in recent memory on Sunday. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. It was a rare film that even after 3 days have passed since you saw it, it is still on your mind, or at least the topic of the film is on my mind. Jim Carrey plays Joel, a man who has gone past the pretence of feigning happiness, in one scene he says something like “I just have nothing to say” therefore he doesn’t say anything, he won’t pretend to be happy for anyone. He meets Clementine, Kate Winslets character, who seems to unlock his soul. The two of them just “fit”. Clem is one of those movie or TV girls that you just wish would appear in your real life. But I digress, this movie made me think about the possibilities of meeting someone who just connect with, soul mate if you will. I can’t honestly say I’ve come across anyone in my life who has been fortunate enough to find that special person. It worries me that this is a pleasure many of us may never have.
Relationships are never perfect though and maybe I’ve just been blinded by movie love, but wouldn’t we all like some of that movie love?

You spin me right round baby

I ended up in the middle of a spat today, only one of the competitors was there….Sally, the other….Helen, was at home, my guess? In bed. Sally was asking me what Helen had said about her earlier in the week. Anyways that was banged on about for a couple of hours before Sally got ill.
I was determined to end work well this week, for a few of the last Saturdays there has always been something to feel bad about over the weekend, either I’ve had a tiff with someone or vice-versa. Not this week I thought, I had said a decent goodbye to everyone except Sally. I packed up my stuff and approached her, she looked unwell and I asked her how she felt and she gave me a dizzy response. So I went outside ready to go home…. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed my brain, I turned back round and approached Sally who was with Paula now, and asked if they wanted some Macdonald discounts, Sally took one but was still acting dizzy, so I set off again. This time I was half way up the road and I felt completely dissatisfied with the way it had ended. So I again turned back round and stormed into work like I had forgotten something . Sally was now sat outside with Rob, this time I got to talk to her and we went for a walk round the building. I could now go home satisfied, but ultimately disappointed. My unrequited affection for Sally never to be felt in reverse…maybe in another life it will be different.
She’s leaving next year…and I am absolutely dreading the moment, its hard enough now that she is only in 3 days a week, but permanently absent???
I’ve setup my interview for an essay, just need to get some questions prepared….WOOT!

Her name is Sally
She just thinks were pally
She doesn’t know how I feel
But I need her love to help me heal
She’s a super cool lady
I’d never treat her shady
All these other jokers laugh
But she tears my heart in half
Maybe tomorrow will deliver her to me
If not I’m going on a killing spree
Love not returned wont last forever
However I will endeavour to whenever

Some amateur poetry for you

Strange but true

Today I got called strange. That adds to the list of “out there” names I’ve been labelled this week.
Freak. Weird. Odd. And now strange.
I don’t think I’m any of the above. I’m not sure what my in my attitude portrays this, explains a few things though. The only girls at work who actually seem interested in me are freaks, weird, odd….etc
Yup that’s what I think about them! I would never want to have any relationship with them outside work, but woah! hit playback, that means people will view me in that same light. Humm the cruel twist of fate turns yet again.
So what is it about “different” people that make the cool population uneasy. I guess first of all…they are not cool. God, cool people piss me off, haha. There’s this one guy at work who is like Samuel L Jackson. Its annoying, I would say I dislike him, but I don’t…he’s simply too cool and seems incapable of being embarrassed or saying anything stupid….unlike guess who? Me!
This week has been a strange week with people anyway. Last week I had that amazing feeling of being at one with everybody, this week though, I feel like an extra terrestrial.
Maybe I should embrace my oddness? I don’t think I can change my attitude, and I used to be a lot worse….people at work have only seen the tip of the iceberg.
Bugger, I can draw no conclusions.