There...somewhere

Well hello there.
This blog used to be updated nearly daily. Now it’s luck to have a new post every 6 months.
A lot of things have changed and some things…not at all.
I’ve ended up getting back in touch with a lo of old friends. It has proved mostly successful but a part of me believes most of the relationships won’t ever be restored to what they once were.
Take Ben for example. We are back in contact after 3 years. At first we started going out once a week and it was great. Here was someone I could talk about anything with. Now, however, we haven’t been out for 3 weeks and it looks like neither of us are going to bother bridging the developing gap.
I dunno.
The most confusing part of life I’ve found so far is other people. Some people you can bet your house on to pull though for ya and others will continue to disappoint you until the end of time.
I was at an open day on Wednesday for uni. I was there by myself and everything about it looked great but I have this fear inside of me that says I won’t fit in. Surely I’m too weird to fit in? I’m a person who last Sunday after been given a free tv link…sat and watched Red Dwarf for ages. Surely someone who does that can’t fit in with the sophisticates of university?
I’m hoping to attend a journalism course and as a little task for the day we had to interview someone in the room who we didn’t know. I had no problem with this and found myself approaching a young girl who was sat with hr mother. I asked if I could interview her and she agreed.
We started talking and it was going great…I thought I was being quite charming. I was making her laugh and I tried to get a repore with her.
But then it tuned. We started to run out of things to say and I started saying things that probably weireded her out. After the task she excused herself and went back to her mother.
After we left the open day and as I waited for the bus, she drove by in her car with her mum. She didn’t wave to me or anything…maybe she didn’t see me…who knows?
But I started to think about a romantic version of how our encounter could have been. If I was the right person. I thought about how we would have got a drink after, she would have introduced me to her mum. Then I would have gone off and thought nothing of it. Then in September when the uni course starts I’m rummaging through my bag in the class when someone taps me on the shoulder. It’s her. After class we get something to eat and it’s the start of a great friendship.
Things like that don’t happen to me though. I usually say the wrong thing or just simply not say anything at all.
The fragility of those first meetings, so important to the future.
I’m certain of one thing though, I have not met “my” people. My group of friends. I refuse to feel alone forever and because of that I believe I will be granted true friends somewhere along the line, because of my openness and my willingness to accept the right people into my life, I will be saved from a lonely existence forever.
I’ m hoping university provides me with these people. Meet some other weirdo’s.

Me and my mouth

I’ve been gone for a while. I attempted to rekindle my relationship with Nina. I’d been drinking heavily one night feeling quite lonely and came across a picture of her sweet face. I though fuck it lets do this shit. I travelled down with an address she’d given me on an e-mail a couple months before. Would she still be there? How could even show up on her doorstep? How could I do that?
I stayed in a hotel the first couple of days, I just couldn’t bring myself to face her. I had to though. So I did. I found out where she lived and banged on the door.
A man answered. A man answered. Her man. Her new man. Her old man stood there with shivering realisation. I went inside and had a chat. I said I was just an old friend.
She was stunned to see me but it was obvious that I was making her uncomfortable. I gave her my mobile number and when I left I got a text to meet her at a café the next day.
We met up at about 10:00AM the next morning. We both talked and talked about all the goings on since we had last seen her. I told her I really missed her and asked if their was any chance we could be together.
She declined. I couldn’t blame her and I wasn’t angry. I was more upset at being so desperate that I went through all this.
We left it at that but I told her to stay in touch. She promised she would.
After the café I felt rather glum. I meandered off to the seaside. It was crap weather but in a way I was glad. I stood against the railings edge with the beach sprawled out in front, the wind blew through my hair causing it to flap.
What now? I couldn’t go back home. I just couldn’t. Work rang me on my mobile but I switched it off. I threw my mobile onto the beach, panicked, then went and collected it. What a strange feeling it was. I just sat on the beach for hours and then strolled up and down the waters edge a few times. When it got dark I went to a pub and got slightly drunk, I then made my way back to the train station and just laid on one of the benches all night. I didn’t even bother getting a train. I woke up the next afternoon. A oddly long sleep I thought. Yes it was, I’d been drugged and robbed.
Everything gone. Mobile, wallet, keys….everything.
I wasn’t even upset.

I did a woopsie

I don’t even feel like a real person.
Pride always comes before a fall. I got my A-level results and was very happy with outcome. My mate didn’t do too well and I got into a conversation with my mum. I went on and on about “how I was achieving what I wanted to achieve” and “I was making life my own”
Ha….you tosser.
No less than 4 hours later, Liam (problem resolved by the way) informs me an old mate is on myspace. Twas surprising as this guy usually thinks computers is just for nerds.
Well I was gob smacked at what I saw.
Loads of friends chatting to him. Him talking about all the marvellous stuff going on in his life. His fit girlfriend.
And I was sat here with an examination results paper.
I’m glad I did well but my life really is empty.
People just don’t like me. Fact.
OK that’s a bit strong. I don’t know….I just don’t feel like I fit in at all.

Happy days

It is results day next week. Cue dramatic music.
I’m not particularly ambitious but I want to have a career which gives me some freedom and interest. I’ll be very happy with that.
Next year I want to go to Uni. Today I’ve had this great feeling of what Uni will be like. I felt excited about the possibilities of where I would be living and the type of lifestyle I would be leading. Hopefully I’ve got a good enough grade that will allow me to pursue this lifestyle.
My mate from college wants to do the same course as me and whenever we talk about the possibilities of going to uni there is always some pessimism about if we are actually going to get there. The next year will be tough in a lot of ways. It will be tough but it will also be exciting as the countdown begins. The mate situation is limited but will do I suppose. I always manage to get a night out with someone each week, even if it is another trip into the city.
It’s quite difficult to meet single women aswell. At work it is nigh impossible to form a relationship with a gal without intense scrutiny from everyone else. The online dating thing isn’t going too well. I get messages from girls who I am not attracted to and then I send messages to girls I am attracted to but I don’t get a reply because they probably aren’t attracted to me. It is a depressing cycle. Quite comical though because one night I was becoming so frustrated at not getting e-mails back from girls I liked, I sent this really pathetic message in which I just said “please have sex with me” and I sent it to probably the most sexually alluring girl on there.
The situation with Liam has not been resolved yet. No replies still.

Might aswell face up

Back to work and happy to be in the swing of things really.
The friend situation reached its climax with me berating my parents for an hour.
After a couple of days though I kinda got it in my head that I just have to move on.
I’m worried about my friendship with Liam though. He never not replies to my texts, emails etc but I’ve not got a reply in nearly 4 weeks.
He’s on msn now and I haven’t had a reply back there either, although his status is set to away.
I’ve not wronged Liam.
Recently.
Him and Ben hated each other. Both would talk about each other to me and instead of me telling them to respect each of my friendships I would sometimes end up coerced into ripping on both of them.
It was a few years ago….but I’m worried he’s found out.
If he has then he’s probably right to cut connections with me. I’m prepared to move one. I won’t wrong a friend like that again.

It isn't that hard

I wish people would stop, when trying to address me, starting their sentences without a pleasantry.
I’m sick to death of text messages and msn chats which start with “Oi twat have you recovered from Saturday yet!”
I will simply not reply to people who don’t at least in some form, whether it be traditional or slang, start a conversation with hello.
Cunts.

This is the bad time

I’ve been feeling a lot of pressure these last few days.
A pressure which makes you feel empty inside. Things have happened which just keep making me feel smaller and smaller. I’ve tried to contact people over the holidays, people I thought were friends but not one of them had replied back. An old mate said I could come down to Kent and when I text him back for details he didn’t get back to me. What is going on? Why are these people being so rude? I’m not really bothered but it does highlight the fact that I don’t really have anyone to count on anymore…which makes me feel sad.
I woke up yesterday with a feeling of emptiness. I was out Saturday night and it was OK. I couldn’t pull again. I didn’t much try either ‘cos after all the rejections you kind of give up rating your nights out based on if you pulled. I prefer now to just go out for funny’s.
I’m going through a period of not feeling intelligent enough, not feeling talented enough and not feeling good looking enough.
I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I am doing.
Why do I bother going to work? For the money. Most of which I am not spending. ’cos it’s not enough to do something amazing. Why I am bothering with college? I believe there’s a chance I might get a career I really want. But really I don’t know if I even want it.
There is nothing to drive me. Everything just feels so empty. The only things that I’m having any pleasure doing at the moment is listening to music. I wasn’t even going to jot these thoughts down but then my mum screamed at me because I was ignoring her. I wasn’t ignoring her, I had music on and couldn’t hear her. I yelled back because it was totally unacceptable how she acted.
Little niggles like that are annoying and keep popping up. I need some inspiration man. I need some colour to filter through into my life. In the form of what I don’t know but I will just keep on going because I honestly don’t know what to do.
Anywho.
I’m going to get another guitar. It will be the third time I have tried to learn it.
Is it possible to be such a fan of guitar yet have absolutely no ability to play it at all?